"It Has Been Sometime"
Stranded for years on a remote Pacific island, a man with a beard down to his knees is walking along the shoreline. Suddenly a beautiful young woman emerges from the surf.
"Been here long?" she asks. "Since 1980," he replies.
"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Twelve years."
She unzips a pocket in the sleeve of her wet suit, pulls out a pack of Marlboro, lights one and hands it to him. He inhales greedily. "How long since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
"Twelve years." She unzips the other sleeve and offers him a miniature bottle of Black Label whiskey. He removes the bottle cover and drinks the whiskey until there was not a single drop left.
"How long," she asks coyly, "since you played around?"
"Twelve years," he says wistfully while looking adoringly at her. She starts to unzip the front of her wet suit.
"Gosh," he says, "you got a set of golf clubs in there too?"
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $100,000."
"That's not a problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Since today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single dollar in your checking account."
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."
On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florists' son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. There are flowers, right?"
"That's right," the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," again said the teacher. The next gift was from little Johnny, the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," replied Johnny. The teacher repeated the process, touching again another drop of the leak to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Nope," replied Johnny for the second time. Once again the teacher tasted the leak and finally said, "I give up, what is it?"
Johnny replied, "It's a puppy!"
A sex therapist was invited to give a talk at a local Rotary Club meeting. He opened his talk by asking, "How many of you make love to your wives every night?" A few young men raised their hands.
"Twice a week?" More hands.
"Once a month?" Still more.
"Only once a year?" A man in the back row jumped up and eagerly shouted, "Me!"
"Why are you so happy and excited about it?" the speaker asked.
The man replied, "Because tonight's the night!"
By the time William pulled into a little town , every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have been complaining. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, William came down for breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Where you able to sleep well last night?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem then with the your roommate?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away when I entered the room," William explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me sleep."
A Mexican bandit has been crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks across the border in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas bounty hunter decided to track him down.
After making a thorough investigation, the bounty hunter traced the bandit to his favorite cantina in a small Mexican town, snuck up behind him, put his magnum revolver to the bandits head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
However, the bandit didn't understand a word of English, and the bounty hunter didn't speak Spanish either. Fortunately, a bilingual Mexican lawyer was in the cantina and translated what the bounty hunter said. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the tallest pine tree at the back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the bounty hunter. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, you turkey! You wouldn't dare shoot me and I am going to kill you before you get hold of all that money."
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the activities interfered with his rest ... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room and said, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
However, the orderly never came back. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
Three sailors, a Samoan, a Hawaiian, and an arrogant Portuguese were floating in a small life raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with their captain. They were the only survivors of the crew of a whaling ship which sank during a strong hurricane. Hungry sharks were beginning to circle around the raft and this made the four men very scared and worried.
After five days, the captain informed his men that there was only enough food for three people before they expect to reach land in about a week. "It is my decision that one of you will have to swim for it," he said, "however, to make it fair I am going to ask each of you a question. If your answer is right, you stay; if your answer is wrong, you have to go." Having no choice, the three sailors agreed.
Turning to the Samoan, the captain asked, "What was the name of the US Navy ship sank by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor where a war memorial now stands?" With a sigh of relief, the Samoan answered, "The U.S.S. Arizona!" Pointing at the Hawaiian, the captain then asked, "How many navy personnel were killed on that ship during the attack?" The nervous Hawaiian managed to quickly answer, "One thousand one hundred seventy-sever, sir!"
"Both of you are correct," said the captain. Turning now to the arrogant Portuguese sailor, he said, "Okay, now you name all of them."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have something very important to tell you. I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After supper, George's dad took him aside for a little chat. "Son, I have bad news for you," he confessed. "When I was young I used to fool around with women a lot, and Susan is actually your half sister. I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was terribly broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. And a year later he came home and very proud announced: "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
There was nothing left but for George to feel so much anger and grief. He decided to see his mother about his problems. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl's my half sister."
With tears in her eyes and with so much hesitation, his mother said, "George, don't pay any attention to what your dad says. As you see, I did some fooling around myself before, and he's not really your father."
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "Guess what! I was cleaning Father John's room this morning and I found a pack of rubber condoms." The second nun said, "Yes, I found them last week too. And you know what? He, he, he, ... I poked a hole in each one!" The third nun fainted.
