First rule of thumb: keep y'makeup organized and very conveniently placed. Y'just never know who might come a-knocking, so y'need to be ready. Like, say the milkman starts approaching y'door, you'll wanna throw on some lipstick right quick. So, again, as a matter of practicality above all else, keep the shit handy just in case.

Now, during my career as an entertainer and also during my reign as a female, I've noticed that certain types of makeup come and go, but like all good things in life y'always come back to the basics. Where makeup is concerned, we're talking black eyeliner and red lipstick. The eyeliner, drawn in the crease of the eyelids, has proven to be this girl's best friend. Nothing else sets off her most valuable feature better than a good eyeliner pencil. Mine is by Maybelline, but y'can go ahead and get ripped off by Chanel and Elizabeth Arden if y'prefer. A good eyeliner allows y'to recreate y'self depending on y'mood. Like for evening, y'might wanna Color Yourself Barbra, 'round 1965, and do her ol' cat's-eye look--y'know, the one that requires a matching leopard coat against a full-length mirror at Bergdorf's to really pull it off? Yeah, baby, with the money Maybelline'll save you, that air fare to Africa and the subsequent fine for leopard poaching oughta seem like a real deal.

 Lips. I'm a faithful believer in red lipstick. It'll always be in, and it'll always be the most seductive color. Lip-liner is a good idea, too, specially in a color that's a li'l darker than y'lipstick. This'll make y'lips protrude without the need for costly collagen implants. Natural-looking colors are okay, but realize that I'm a girl who believes in vamping, honey. Vamp, vamp, vamp! Leave all the petite, pretty stuff, honey, for the other folks. In other words, go on and be a "ho."

 Another beauty trick of mine includes contouring. If y'have very few facial features of any strength, a li'l contouring'll go a long way, child. Being the very  white woman that I am, I'm apt to take a coral red, or medium earth tone and make a line underneath my cheekbones, then I smooth out the lines with a brush so that they don't look like the same scar G.I. Joe wears. The blush goes on toppa all that smoothing. Now blend it again, baby. This'll make y'cheekbones appear even higher. If y'gota big ol' wide nose, y'might wanna take a contour brush and--starting from the bridge and heading toward y'nostrils on each side--draw a sharp line that you'll smooth and blend exactly as we did with our cheeks above. This nose contouring'll help y'give the illusion of a perky LaToya nose job.

 I'll say here and now that there's nothing wrong with wearing false eyelashes. They can be very complimentary. A girl needs long lashes, specially us black girls, honey. While we usually make up for it with our titties and our butts, we're a li'l deficient in the hair and eye departments. So go ahead and Krazy Glue them lashes, 'cause without 'em you'll prob'ly look like a mole. Y'can buy just the top lashes or the bottom lashes, or both. And remember, too, if y'know how to put 'em on properly, y'less likely to get clocked. Use eyelash glue or hair-binding glue only. And know that there's even glue in every color to match y'own. You'll look that much more natural with the right color glue, so don't be gathering on the Elmer's, or y'deserve to have y'T told to the rest of the world.

 Now, growing up, I've always had problems with my skin. Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it. And cooking fried chicken all the time and exposing myself to spitting grease don't help any. So at least three times a week I give myself a facial where I'll take a facial steamer--which I advise y'to purchase, too--and I'll steam my face with some chamomile tea for ten minutes and then apply a clay or peel-off mask, which I let sit and harden for about twenty minutes more. Then I remove the mask, and off come the particles that can stick to y'pores and make y'look all bruised and wrong and ugly and nasty, child.

Now, if y'can't find a facial steamer at the local Wal-Mart, put a pot of water and chamomile tea on the stove and bring it to a boil, then put the pot on a towel, somewhere near where y'can sit comfortably. Take another towel and put it over y'head as y'lean your face into the steam rising from the pot of just-boiled water. This is known as pot steaming, honey. This is a facial recipe, baby. Ain't nothing y'serve for dinner. It is, however, something y'do before being taken to dinner.

 Use lotsa hairspray to keep the shit from flying round, but don't be using the ol'-fashioned kind that makes the man in y'life feel like he's back on the football team every time he touches you and bumps into y'helmet! And keep those eyebrows nice and plucked by investing in a pair of Eckerd's or Revco's tweezers--y'know, the ones that got the angled points so they can grip those coarse hairs that refuse to be uprooted. And if there are a couple other stray hairs elsewhere on y'face, y'might wanna keep those tweezers handy. Now, I mention this 'cause I've been told that some women going through menopause grow themselves a bit of a beard; then again, there are some of us girls who grow beards without menopause. So a good pair of tweezers should follow y'round like a new puppy. In fact, y'might wanna get several pairs: throw one in y'purse, keep one in the car, one in y'desk at work, on the night table next to y'bed, in the den where y'do y'needlepoint, at y'dry cleaner's, y'grocer's freezer....

FASHION

 Accesorizing is numero uno on the fashion front. In my line of business, shoes are a very crucial component to the art of illusion. Whether y'matching 'em up with a beaded gown or a li'l black dress, y'shoes is y'stock-in-trade, and folks is always gonna be checking out y'feet to see if you're a big ol' man. But back when I couldn't afford to buy shoes reasonably priced enough so as to match every outfit I had with her own pair, I'd often go to the Goodwill or the Salvation Army or a consignment shop and look for white satin bridesmaid shoes in the five-dollar range, the kind that y'can dye y'self-at home, child, and in a rainbow of colors.

If y'can dream it, you can create it--that's my color motto. If y'feel like splurging 'cause y'saved so much on the shoes, then have them professionally dyed. Chablis, ain't those shoes a li'l unsanitary? To which my response is, Hell, no, girl! No bridesmaid wears her shoes twice. The most she ever done did was stroll down the aisle on the arm of somebody she prob'ly didn't like and later left the reception early 'cause she didn't wanna have to give him none after a few drinks--or took 'em off to fuck him, anyway. Besides, if the dye doesn't disinfect the shoes, Lysol sure won't!

 Another fashion rule of thumb: y'don't have to wear clothes with a designer label to look good! Always buy according to fashion; but know that whatever's up in them magazines can be found in a thrift store or consignment shop. If y'must, look round Marshalls and Filene's Basement. There are ways of inexpensively finding the labels, and there are ways of inexpensively knocking off the labels. If y'smart, you'll opt for the latter. 'Course, personally speaking, I got my own dressmaker--Miss Dawn DuPree--so I really don't really give a shit 'bout labels--not yours or Calvin Klein's. Besides, y'mama's gotta hold on to her money, so I advise y'to do the same.

 Panty hose. Well, I'm a No-Nonsense girl. So I make sure to check the circulars on Sunday that advertise the two-for-one sales, then I buy as many pairs in the shades I like, or as many as I can fit in the trunk of my car. And I drive a big-ass, uptown girl's Buick Park Avenue, so that's a lotta trunk space! Stock up and you'll never need nail-polish remover, 'cept, of course, for y'nails.

These are just a few tips to get y'started on the road to becoming a crowned beauty. Remember, y'ain't never gonna look as good as me, so don't despair, 'cause you'll only be wasting y'time. Do what I do to enhance my God-given beauty, and y'got a fighting chance of at least getting a date next weekend.

See y'in Hollywood.