Yes. That's it. You're doing great! Keep moving towards the light!
A man goes up to heaven and meets St Peter, who is waiting for him at the Pearly Gates. Before the man is able to enter into heaven, St Peter stops him and says, "Just a minute. This place is not for just anyone you know. Can you think of any reason why you should be allowed to come in? Have you ever done anything good in your life?"
The man replies, "Well, I did once go to the assistance of a young woman who was in danger of being beaten up and raped by a gang of Hell's Angels.
St Peter says, "Well that sounds very impressive. Please, tell me about it?"
The man says, "Well I was travelling around Los Angeles, California and I came across this little Cafe in the middle of nowhere. It was on the road to Las Vegas. The place was in the middle of the Mojave desert, right on the border between California and Nevada. As I was drawing up to the place I could see that it was swarming with bikers. There must have been about 50 Harley-Davidson motorcycle's parked outside, their polished chrome and paintwork glinting in the sun. However, as I drew nearer I started to get a distinctly uncomfortable feeling. There were 50 or 60 Hells Angels outside the place and they had grabbed hold of a young woman, I think she was the cafe owner, and they were throwing her about, from one to another. Her clothes were torn and dirty from where she had fallen on the ground. She was crying and begging and pleading. She was in a dreadful state. It was obvious they were planning to rape her..."
Then St Peter said, "And what did you do about this dreadful situation?"
The man said, "Well I didn't know what to do. I was scared, very scared. There was no-one else around. There was no-one to help me out if I tried to intervene. To be quite honest with you I was very tempted to get into my car and drive away. I have never been so frightened!"
And St Peter said, "But you say, you tried to help her. What did you do?"
The man said, "Well I had started walking back to my car. The woman had started calling to me for help but,... I'm ugh... ashamed to acknowledge this but ...ugh I was kinda ignoring her screams and still walking to my car and ..."
Then St Peter said, "But something stopped you?"
The man said, "Yes. You see, when she saw that I wasn't planning to help her she started crying. It was more than I could stand! I was practically crying myself. I went up to the biggest of the Hell's Angels, the chap who seemed to be the leader and I said, 'Leave her alone, you vicious bully! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?' Well at that he started pushing me and shouting at me, he was spitting and yelling at me and then he picked up a baseball bat and started coming towards me with it. I started to back of again and I started to walk to my car. I was almost running this time...
And St Peter said, "But you didn't run?"
The man said, "No, you see, when she saw me walking away the young girl started crying again and she was really sobbing this time. I started to feel really angry. I looked at the motorcycles and I tried to identify which one belonged to the guy I had just confronted. There was one particular motorcycle which seemed to stand out from all the rest, although it would be hard for me to explain just what it was about it that made it seem in any way special. They had all been well looked after. They were all polished and gleaming, but there was just something special about this one particular bike. So I ran at it. I jumped high in the air and I kicked the petrol tank as hard as I possible could with my right foot, as I was coming down. The bike toppled over just as I hoped it would and, as luck would have it, the baseball bat was lying right next to it. I was really angry now so I started swinging away at the Headlights and at the Chrome. I started smashing into the petrol tank.
"The guy had been watching me and now he started coming towards me. I didn't know what else to do so I took the baseball bat in both hands, aimed at his head and swung it for all I was worth!"
St Peter said, "And when did all this happen?"
The man said, "About five minutes ago."
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A chap was offered a holiday in any selected one of a movie star's numerous body parts (OK bit of a giant suspension of disbelief here, but stay with me, its worth it!)
First off he was offered a week in Omar Sherif's moustache. He came back after just three days and said he couldn't stand it. He was forever breathing in cigar smoke, drowning in whiskey and his eyes were burning from the amount of chilli and spice Mr Sherif had in his food.
He was then offered a week in Paula Radcliff's cleavage. This time he was back after just a couple of days. He said he was practically seasick every morning as she went out bouncing up and down on her daily run. He was forever afraid of falling out onto the road and being run over by a car. He said it was a nightmare.
"OK then", said the travel agent, "How would you like to spend a week in Bridget Bardot's muff?"
"Yes." said the man. "That would be ideal! I've admired Bridget Bardot all my adult life. I think she is the most fabulous woman on earth! That's the holiday for me! I want to go and spend a week in Bridget Bardot's muff!" Then off he went to start this holiday of a lifetime.
Four days later he was back at the travel agent's once more. The travel agent simply couldn't understand it. He said, "But I thought that was what you wanted! What was wrong? Didn't you like it there?"
"Yes." said the man. "It was lovely. Her pubic hair was so soft. Her skin was silky smooth. Every day she would sunbathe on the beach, with her portable Hi-Fi beside her. I would stare out at the scenery. I would watch the sun playing on the sea. I would see beautiful young women sunbathing topless on the beach. I would listen to wonderful music playing on her portable stereo. And the friends she has! Every day there would be riveting, stimulating conversation to listen to. It was lovely. It was always nice and warm in the daytime, lying in Bridget's muff, soaking up the sun; occasionally swimming in the sea with her to cool down. It was marvellous. At night, she would go to bed and I would lie in her muff covered in clean, scented sheets of the finest silk or cotton. I was as happy as I could possibly be."
"Then why have you come back?" asked the travel agent.
"Well you see", said the man, "I don't know who it happened, but after four days I found myself back in Omar Sherif's moustache!"
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An Englishman and his wife were on holiday together in Thailand. They had planned their activities for every single day except one. That one day, they had decided, they might well find that they were worn out from all of their sight-seeing. They might therefore desire nothing more, than to spend the day on a beach somewhere, reading novels, swimming in the sea, sunbathing and, perhaps, even sleeping in the shade of the palm trees which, they had heard, lined one of the nicer beaches close to the hotel where they were staying.
However, when the said day arrived, this husband and wife found that, far from being worn out by their exertions, they felt more stimulated and alive than they had felt all year long. They felt that it would be a sin to waste the day just lying on the beach. Consequently, they booked themselves on a boat trip to examine some rivers and caves that some of their fellow tourists had been telling them about.
This couple joined the boat trip very early in the morning, and they found that their fellow tourists were a very interesting and cultured group of people. They found also that not all of the people on the boat were foreigners to Thailand. In particular the husband, who's name was Jonathan, got talking to a Thai gentleman whom he, Jonathan, realised was a very cultured individual and very well informed about Thailand. Jonathan got into a long conversation with this gentleman, who's name, it transpires, was Tan. The conversation ran as follows:
So tell me Tan, What is it you do exactly?
I'm a politician in the Thai government.
Oh, that sounds fascinating. It must be wonderful to have a job where you can make a real difference in the world?
It has it's moments, yes.
I'm sure it does. So tell me, what are you planning to do today?
I'm going to Bangkok.
At this point Jonathan starts to look deeply puzzled and withdraws into some private thoughts of his own. Tan leaves him to it. It is the first time he has taken this boat trip and he wants to enjoy the view. He knows that by 1:30 PM he will be boarding an aeroplane to Bangkok and he wants to be able to commune with nature for as long as possible. After a while it becomes apparent that Jonathan has been brooding long and hard on Tan's answer to his last question: "What are you planning to do today?" Apparently something about Tan's answer, affirming that he was going to Bangkok, has Jonathan deeply worried and perplexed. Eventually it becomes apparent that Jonathan has found suitable words with which to at least begin to express his disquite and puzzlement as he says, "But, won't that be rather unpopular with your female constituents?"