Sanguine

by Anne Rose

Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Seasons 6 & 7
Summary: S/B, It's the obligatory "Spike's Return", what's up with the soul, and btw I hated Seeing Red, story.
Archive: I would be honored if you want to archive it. Please let me know where so I can visit it.
Author's Note: Thanks to Caffey and Spiletta for asking me annoying questions so I could fix things. Thanks to Rabid/Raeann and Hubby for betaing. © November 19, 2002
Also posted at Fanfiction.net

More Author's Note: My beta readers asked me a bunch of questions, and rather than sending the plot exposition fairy to drop anvils on you, I'm writing long, boring author's notes. You can skip ahead if you promise not to whinge later.

1) First of all, I adore Joss, but nobody is right all the time. I'm in the "that wasn't attempted rape" camp. I think Joss made a huge error in using that term - but as a male writer/executive producer in our society he probably felt he needed to in order to avoid millions of angry letters and pickets. When Buffy was constantly beating up Spike, there was no labeling of it as battery or her as an abuser. That's a classic double-standard. IMHBCO

PSA - Unquestionably "no" should mean "no", and "Seeing Red" is an object lesson in why you should not keep saying no when you mean yes. (Listen to the dialog during the balcony scene in "Dead Things".)

2) I don't think everything in life has to be incredibly complicated. Sometimes you can just wake up and smell the coffee, the light bulb comes on. (Insert cliché of choice here if that didn't work for you.)

3) To whinge is to whine in England or Australia. It's not a bloody typo! I offer http://m-w.com as a reference if you still doubt me.

4) PSA stands for Public Service Announcement.

5) IMHBCO stands for In My Humble But Correct Opinion.

Disclaimer: Joss and Mutant Enemy, etc. own BtVS. No infringement intended. Any resemblance to people living, dead, or undead, or to real life events is all in your mind, is downright scary, and means you seriously need to get a life.
 

"Spike, you need to get out of this basement."

It wasn't the first time she'd said it, but tonight Buffy intended to make sure it happened.

He ran his hands through his hair and muttered something as he curled into a tighter ball.

"This is the Hellmouth, Spike. It's..." She shook her head as he babbled about evil. Reasoning with him was pointless.

"I'm a bad man... I hurt the girl..." He rocked back and forth, lost in his own private hell.

Buffy put her hands on her hips and sighed. She stepped back and watched him for a few minutes. The idea of hoisting him over her shoulder and carrying him out of there flitted through her mind. Too noisy, she decided, and too likely to draw attention.

"Spike, I want to help you."

He drew back again and ground his fists into his eyes. "I don't deserve any help... evil... don't look at me."

'That was a miserable failure,' she thought. She'd spent the whole summer preparing for this moment, first hating him, then hating herself, and finally just wanting a second chance to make things right. And now that Spike was finally back, he was insane. Buffy cursed her luck.

She needed a different strategy - needed him to want to cooperate. An idea occurred to her. Buffy moved closer to him and crouched down.

"Spike." She waited.

He didn't respond.

"Spike, I need your help."

Spike's head popped up. He looked at her, almost hopeful, and then drew his shoulders up and looked away. "Help the girl. Yes, I can do that."

"Good, Spike. Very good." She reached out her hand to him. "Come with me, and I'll show you how you can help."

Spike jerked his hands back when he saw hers come toward him. "No touching. No touching." He shook his head and put his hands behind his back.

"All right." Buffy stood and stepped back. "Follow me." She turned slowly and started to walk out. The rustling told her that he had stood up. She listened as his quiet footsteps followed her out.

They walked silently from the school to her house. He was so quiet, Buffy had to look behind her several times to make sure he was still following. When she noticed Spike lagging too far behind she said, "We need to hurry." That seemed to motivate him. He caught up and walked almost beside her. 'I guess that's progress,' she thought.

When they reached the house, Buffy went up and unlocked the door. Spike stood at the bottom of the steps. His shoulders were slumped and he didn't meet her eyes. He looked as if he expected something terrible to happen at any moment.

"Spike, you need to come inside." She held the door open.

He started when she said his name, but didn't move toward the house. Buffy sighed. He'd already been inside the house since his return. Why was he hesitating now? "Spike, are you going to help me, or are you going to stand outside till the sun comes up?"

Spike bobbed his head and shuffled forward. Buffy moved inside and stood back, away from the door as he walked in and slouched against the wall. He didn't look up. "What do you need me to do?"

Buffy watched Spike as he stared at his feet. This was so different from the cocky persona she had gotten to know over the years. Even at his lowest point, when he arrived in Sunnydale drunk and crying over Drusilla, he still had a certain air of confidence, or at least determination. It was hard to believe the man standing in front of her was the same person.

"There's some big evil about to rise in Sunnydale. I need you here to protect Dawn." She hoped he wouldn't question her too closely on how he was supposed to accomplish that, with Dawn in school and him stuck in the house during the day. If she could just keep him away from the Hellmouth, maybe he would start to get better.

He nodded, but didn't say anything. At least he wasn't babbling.

"I fixed a cot for you in the basement, and there's blood in the fridge. Come on." She walked into the kitchen, and got out a packet of blood and a cup, all the while watching out of the corner of her eye to see if he would follow her.

By the time the blood was warm, Spike was sitting on a stool in the kitchen. Buffy set the cup in front of him, but he didn't touch it.

"Spike, you need to keep your strength up. Dawn needs your help. I need your help."

He nodded and picked up the cup. He drained it in one long gulp, and then put it back down. Buffy wondered how long she could play that particular card and still have Spike respond. Hopefully it would keep working until he got better. She warmed a second cup, and he drank it down. He looked a little better, his skin seemed less gray and his eyes were not as dull. They didn't have the old sparkle, but he definitely looked less dead.

"Do you want to get settled in now?" She put the cup in the sink and then led him out of the kitchen, to the basement.

Buffy flicked the light on and walked down the stairs. "The cot is over here, and we made these shelves into a bookcase for you."

Spike moved from the stairs to the far side of the room and examined the books carefully. He gave Buffy a confused look.

"Yes, they're your books, Spike." She answered the question he seemed to ask. "Dawn and I got them from Clem. We figured you'd want them when you came back."

Spike nodded. He took one off the shelf, and leafed through it.

Buffy opened a box at the end of one shelf. "I know you've been writing, so we got you some things. There's paper, pens, pencils, and some notebooks. We weren't sure what you would want."

"Thanks," he said, barely above a whisper.

"Ok, Dawn will be home from Janice's in about half and hour. You can stay down here or go up and watch TV. I think you know where everything is. There's more blood in the fridge. If anyone uninvited drops by, weapons are in the chest in the hall."

He didn't say anything, he just nodded.

"I'll be at the Magic Box, there's a Scooby meeting, and after that I have to patrol. Make sure Dawn does her homework, doesn't get eaten by something nasty, and is in bed by the time I get home. Ok?"

Spike nodded again.

Buffy sighed and walked upstairs. 'Maybe the homework was laying it on too thick?' But Spike didn't seem to notice one way or the other. At least he had agreed to stay, it was progress.

Progress - she paused in her thoughts. Progress indicated a direction, a destination, but Buffy had no idea where this was going. Spike had a soul. She didn't know the details, but he had implied it was because of her - and because of that soul he was insane. Just one more injury she had inflicted on him. Somehow she had to make it right.

She knew she was stalling, waiting for the perfect moment to talk to him - a moment that might never come as long as he was insane. She had been in shock that night in the church. Spike's revelation about his soul had stunned her. She didn't stop him when he wrapped himself around the cross. Stunned, she watched the smoke rise from his body, and almost too late she had rushed forward and dragged him away from the cross.

It had taken several days for his burned flesh to heal. Clem had taken care of Spike after Buffy dragged and carried him back to his old crypt. When she returned to check on him, Clem told her Spike had gone back to the school. He would come out of the basement whenever she needed help, but the rest of the time he sat alone in the darkness, talking to the voices in his head.

That was when she got the idea for a way to get him out of the basement permanently and into someplace safe while he got well. Dawn and Buffy had discussed Spike a number of times over the past months. It had taken a while before Dawn could separate her own feelings about Spike from her loyalty to her sister. She was hurt in her own way by Spike's departure, and she had felt an obligation to hate him for Buffy's sake. Some of that still remained.

When Buffy told Dawn her plan, she had been unwilling at first. After Buffy sat her down for a very frank discussion about her relationship with Spike, she relented. Buffy spared Dawn the more lurid details, but had told her enough to make Dawn understand why Spike had to leave. Their relationship had changed from one of almost friendship to a horrible, abusive one. If they had been a normal couple, Buffy would no doubt be serving jail time for some of the beatings she'd given Spike. And Spike... well, he was no angel either. Their relationship had been killing them both.

Dawn was shocked to say the least. The picture Buffy painted of their relationship and her behavior towards Spike was not pretty. It was ugly and brutal, but she knew Dawn needed to understand what Buffy had finally come to understand. There were faults on both sides, more than enough to go around. And now that Spike had a soul, they needed to help him, just like they did every time one of their friends got into trouble.

Over the summer Buffy had come to realize a few other things as well, but she didn't think the rest of the group was ready for those revelations. She wasn't even certain Spike would be.

Buffy arrived at what used to be the Magic Box. It was just a meeting place and training room now. Repairs were going slowly. Buffy put her hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath before walking in. She knew there would be some resistance to her plan. She could count on Xander for a lot of resistance. Maybe she should wait and see if Spike would even stay at her house before telling them? If she couldn't keep him there, then there was no point in getting into a big argument with them.

She knew she was rationalizing it, and they would be mad later, but for now she wasn't up to another big fight with them. Giles would be back in another day. Maybe she could get his advice? She shook her head to clear those thoughts away and walked in to the shop.

The next afternoon Xander drove Buffy and Dawn to the airport to pick up Giles and Willow. Giles had accompanied Willow back to help Buffy save the world yet again. It wasn't the best of circumstances for Giles' return, but he was back and Buffy felt like a huge weight had been lifted. She didn't "need" Giles anymore. During the months he was away she had provided for herself and Dawn, made decisions, and managed to balance her "normal" life and her duties as the Slayer. But things were just more "right" when Giles was around.

Giles had been too tired the first night to question or really even notice Spike's presence in the house. Giles would be staying with Buffy and Dawn for a few weeks, or until he could find a new apartment. Buffy had offered her mom's old room, but Giles had elected to sleep on the couch, at least for the first night.

Giles woke when Buffy and Dawn came down for breakfast. He joined them in the kitchen for a bowl of cereal.

"I'm sorry we don't have something more for breakfast. I'll stop by the grocery store on the way home and get some eggs and things," Buffy said.

"The cereal is just fine. I'm sure my body doesn't know if it's meant to have breakfast or dinner right now." He smiled at Buffy as she pulled the milk out of the fridge. The flash of red from behind the milk jug caught his eye before Buffy closed the door. What was blood doing in the house?

He mulled it over for a few minutes as Buffy poured milk into their bowls. When she went to put the milk away, he got a better look. They were definitely blood packets. "Buffy, who are you expecting to visit?"

Buffy looked at him, and cocked her head, not understanding the question. "We were expecting you, Giles."

"Yes, but I don't drink blood." He pointed to the fridge.

"Oh. Ya," Buffy murmured.

Dawn's eyes got big and round as she looked back and forth from Buffy to Giles.

Buffy took a deep breath and then rushed out the words. "Spike is back. He went to Africa and he has a soul now, but it's driving him crazy, and he was living in the school's basement, but that's practically on top of the Hellmouth, so he's staying in our basement until he feels better." She paused for breath and looked nervously up at Giles.

Giles' eyes opened wide. He took a moment to carefully lay his spoon down in his bowl. "I see." After a moment he looked up at her. "I'm not sure I heard you right. Did you say he has his soul back?"

Buffy nodded.

"I see." Giles gave her a vacant stare that made her nervous. He finally blinked and looked at her. "I think we should discuss this further when you get home this evening."

Just then, the doorbell rang. "It's Xander," Dawn said breathlessly. "You can't say anything to him, he'll flip!" Dawn implored Giles.

"Not to worry." Giles reached over, patted her hand, and gave her a weak smile. "Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to say to him."

Dawn looked relieved. She grabbed her backpack and headed for the door. Xander waved to Giles and then they were gone.

The house was silent now, and Giles sat alone in the kitchen with his thoughts. As usual his charge had done something unexpected. Buffy seemed like a magnet for the unexpected, a second vampire with a soul was only the latest in a long line of impossibilities she had encountered.

He finished his cereal automatically, not noticing what he was doing until the spoon came up empty. He looked at it for a moment, confused about how it got that way. He moved automatically to the sink. Giles was washing out his bowl when Spike walked into the kitchen, and opened the fridge.

Spike didn't seem to notice Giles presence as he took a cup down, filled it with blood, and popped it into the microwave.

"Buffy tells me you've had an eventful summer," Giles began.

Spike continued to stare at the cup spinning slowly around.

"Spike." Giles spoke, sharply, trying to get the his attention. When he still didn't respond, Giles walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "Spike."

Spike jumped at the touch and flattened himself against the wall. "Not real. Not real. You're just trying to trick me again. Rupert flew back across the pond. He's in merry old England with the witch."

"I was in England, with Willow, but I flew home yesterday. I'm moving back to Sunnydale." He watched as Spike raised his head and seemed to look straight through him.

"She needed you. Needed you and you left, like all the rest. I told them it would happen." Spike looked away and Giles wasn't sure anymore if Spike was speaking to him or someone only he could see. "Poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments, she'll be cryin' on my shoulder, mark my words..."

He turned back to Giles. "And I was right. You left and she turned to me. But I'm a monster... She said it was killing her." Spike half staggered half fell against Giles sobbing. "It's your fault as much as mine. You should have stayed. Then I wouldn't have had to leave... promised I wouldn't, but had too... couldn't stay, not anymore..."

Giles managed to peel the distraught vampire off him and get him onto the stool. He set the blood in front of him and told him to drink it, but Spike didn't acknowledge him. Giles considered the situation for a few minutes, not sure how to handle an insane vampire complete with soul.

"Spike, why are you here?"

"I promised Buffy I would protect Dawn." The words came out clearly this time and his eyes focused for a moment.

"Buffy bought the blood for you. She wants you to eat and get well again." Giles hoped that logic wasn't too complicated for Spike in his present condition. His answer came when Spike picked up the cup and drained it.

"Why'd you come back, Watcher?"

Spike's question startled Giles. Not only because it was unexpected, but because it was coherent, unlike his earlier ramblings.

"There is something big rising. We came back to lend a hand."

Spike nodded. The answer seemed to satisfy him. He got up from the stool and ambled into the main room. Giles found him sitting on the sofa, remote control in hand, surfing channels on the TV. He seemed calm now. Giles walked past him to the dining room table and began laying out the books he'd brought.

Giles was startled out of his reading when the front door banged open and suddenly the house was filled with noise. He looked up from the books and papers scattered across the table and realized it was late afternoon.

Dawn tossed her pack on the coffee table, and she and Buffy headed to the kitchen. They walked past Spike, but didn't notice him curled up on the end of the sofa, absorbed in the TV.

Xander noticed Giles and called to him from the entry.

"Hey, G-Man. How's the research going?"

Giles closed his book and looked up. "I've eliminated a number of things... beings from consideration. But so far, no solid lead on what it might be." Giles stood and stretched. He removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "And how was your day?"

"The school is looking good. It's almost finished and ready to help us relive our favorite nightmares from Hellmouth High. Buffy already had some excitement. Someone sent a couple ghosts to attack her."

Giles walked around the table and toward the family room. "They say you can never go home again, but it's comforting to know nothing ever really changes in Sunnydale."

Xander laughed and shook his head.

"I need some tea. Would you care for some?" Giles passed Xander and headed toward the kitchen.

"Tea? Gee, thanks, but I think I'll have anything else. But you go ahead and enjoy your tea." Xander followed him, but as he entered the living room, he noticed the TV was on. He froze in his tracks. "What is he doing here?" Xander yelled into the kitchen.

Spike dropped the remote and curled in on himself as Xander stalked forward.

Buffy dashed out of the kitchen. Spike had been so quiet, sitting on the corner of the sofa, she hadn't realized he was there.

"You don't belong here, Spike. Find a blanket and haul your undead ass out of here!"

Spike offered no resistance as the verbal assault continued.

Xander was preparing to say more when Buffy caught his arm and whirled him around to face her. "Xander, this is my house. Mine. I decide who is welcome here."

Xander stared at her in disbelief. Spike took the opportunity to dash from the couch to the basement.

She let go of Xander's arm. "Spike is staying in the basement until he feels better. He's helping me watch out for Dawn in case the new big bad comes after her." She tacked on the last as an after thought.

Xander backed up and tried to gather his thoughts. "Ok, where to begin on the wrongness of this. How about starting with, 'That's not the basement' and heading straight on to - 'why?'"

"Come with me." Buffy grabbed his arm again and dragged him into the kitchen. Xander opened his mouth, but Buffy put her hand up to silence him. "Don't. Just don't, Xander. Take a moment and think, before you say something you'll regret."

Xander tried to control himself. "Ok, I'm thinking. It's not helping, but I'm thinking." He shook his head in mock confusion. "Why isn't it helping? Oh, that's right, it's because he's a vampire. There was a time when we used to kill them."

Buffy took a deep breath and tried not to think of strangling Xander. "You didn't turn your back on Willow when she tried to destroy every human being on the planet. This is no different."

Xander's eyes narrowed. His voice was cold and harsh. "Willow didn't try to rape me."

Buffy slammed her hand down on the counter, stunning them all. She invaded Xander's personal space, standing almost nose to nose with him. "Xander, I - never - want - you - to - say - that - again. You have no idea what went on between the two of us, and you have no right to judge."

Xander brought his hands up in frustration. "I saw the bruises, Buffy."

"Do you remember the bruises on him at my birthday party?"

Xander smiled, "Ya, looked like he crossed some demon and it used him as a punching bag."

"It wasn't a demon. And he didn't cross me. He was trying to protect me when the nerd trio made me think I'd killed Katrina. He tried to stop me from turning myself in, and that was how I thanked him." Buffy looked away when she saw the look of shock and horror on Xander's face.

Giles had been listening silently, filling the teapot at the sink. The water was now flowing over the top and into the sink, but he hadn't noticed. He finally set the pot down and turned off the water. Without saying a word, he took a seat next to Dawn at the counter. She was concerned, but didn't look surprised, unlike the two men.

Buffy began speaking again quietly. "What Spike did was wrong. I know that." She looked up and met Xander's eyes. "But it was nothing I hadn't done to him, and worse. Xander, I used him and when he couldn't take it anymore, he snapped. And then he felt so horrible that he left town." Buffy pleaded with him to understand. "He has a soul now, and it's killing him."

Xander had let her speak. He bit his tongue and listened quietly. When she got to the part about the soul, he shook his head. The anger in his face was replaced by concern. He laid a hand on her shoulder. "Buffy, there's a term for this, it's called the Stockholm syndrome. It's like when hostages begin to sympathize with their captors."

"Ok, then explain why we're all still friends? Willow tried to kill us. And how about Anya? How many people did she kill? What about me, when I tried to kill all of you? While you're at it, explain to me how people dying because you summoned a song and dance demon is different?"

Xander gaped at her. "That was an accident. What Spike did was intentional."

Buffy pushed away from him and glared. She took down a mug from the cupboard and started toward the fridge, but paused as Xander began ranting again.

Xander looked over at the others. "Giles, say something to her. Explain it."

Giles sighed and looked at the two of them. Xander looked confident he would agree with him. Buffy on the other hand was trying to look confident, but he saw how frightened she was that he would disapprove. He knew a little about Buffy and Spike's relationship. Enough to know it was complicated beyond the norm. "Xander, Buffy is an adult, and capable of making her own decisions."

Xander's mouth fell open. "You can't be serious!"

Before Giles could reply Buffy interrupted. "Xander, I'm serious. We have always helped anyone who wanted to change, like Willow, Anya, and Angel, but you're not listening to me, so let me draw you a picture."

Buffy grabbed a packet of blood and a knife and tossed them on the counter by the mug. "Vampires need blood to live, and it helps them to heal. The more blood, the faster they heal. And human blood like this is just about the best thing for them." She tossed another packet to Xander. "But there's one thing that is better."

She picked up the knife, and before anyone could move she slashed her forearm and held it over the mug. Her blood poured into it at a frightening rate.

Giles stood and stared at her, but made no move to interfere. Xander just opened and shut his mouth like a fish on dry land. Dawn was calmer than the other two, but she was freaked out as well.

Buffy looked back at Xander. "This - is how serious I am."

The mug was starting to fill, and the flow of blood had only slowed a little. Buffy looked at it and wondered if had been such a great idea after all. "Dawn, would you grab another cup for me? And Xander, if you really want to help, why don't you go grab the first aid kit?"

Xander stared at her for another moment, then he realized what she had asked for and dashed out of the kitchen.

Dawn gave her a second mug. Buffy moved her arm over it when the first had filled.

Giles came over and observed Buffy as she stood watching the blood flow from her arm. "Is it slowing?"

She lifted her arm a few inches. "Yes. This cup is filling much slower." She sheepishly turned to look at Giles. "I guess this isn't the best plan I've ever had. In fact planning maybe would have been good."

Giles smiled at her. "You are impetuous, and patience has never been your strong suit." Giles reached over and put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. "However, your instincts are usually right."

"You're not mad at me," she whispered.

"Oh, Buffy." He pulled her closer and hugged her as well as he could without disturbing her arm. "I'm concerned, but you're doing what you believe is right. How could I be angry with you?"

Buffy nodded.

Xander returned. He set the first aid kit on the table and fumbled to open it. "Uh, what do you need first? We have gauze, tape... band-aids?"

Buffy lifted her arm, the blood had slowed, and the wound was already starting to heal. Xander handed her a gauze pad and she pressed it against the cut. After a minute Giles helped her wrap it. "Good as new." She said with a forced lightness in her voice. "Thanks guys."

Giles cleared his throat. "Buffy, I had some difficulty getting Spike to eat earlier."

Buffy nodded at Giles before picking up the cups and heading downstairs.

"Spike," Buffy called out as she walked down the stairs. She didn't want to startle him. She needed him as sane as possible for this to have a chance to work.

She found him curled up on the cot, facing the wall. Setting the cups down on the washer, she walked over to him. "Spike, I need to talk to you."

"I shouldn't be here," he mumbled.

"Spike, please sit up. I can't talk to you like that." She ignored his comment. There was no point in debating with him in his present state.

He slowly rolled over and sat up, putting his feet on the ground.

"That's much better." She smiled at him. "You know I need your help to protect Dawn, right?"

Spike nodded.

"I need you strong. Strong enough to protect Dawn. You understand?" Simple statements and simple ideas, she told herself.

He nodded again.

"Ok, then," Buffy said, holding out a cup, "I need you to drink all of this. It will make you strong so you can help me."

Spike took the cup without comment and began to drain it.

Buffy smiled her encouragement. This was going to work.

Suddenly Spike stopped drinking and looked up at her. He thrust the cup at her. "It's not right. This is not for me. Not right!"

Buffy backed just out of reach and refused the cup. "If you let it go to waste, I will be very unhappy, Spike. Dawn will be unhappy. You need to help her." Buffy felt bad manipulating him like this, but she told herself it was for his own good.

Spike hesitated. He looked from the cup to her arm and back.

"Hurry, Spike. There isn't much time. Dawn could be in danger now."

Spike lifted the cup and drank the rest of the blood. Buffy handed him the second cup before he had a chance to think about it and possibly reconsider. She breathed a sigh of relief when he'd finished it all.

"That's much better. Thank you, Spike."

Spike's head came up as he heard her. His eyes cleared and he seemed to be looking at her for the first time since his return. He cocked his head in that curious way that she remembered. "Slayer?" He stood up slowly. "Where am I?" When Buffy didn't reply, he looked around for a moment. "Slayer, why am I in your basement?"

"You were living in the basement of the new high school. It was driving you... more crazy. I brought you here so you would be safe while you were getting better." She was excited at how lucid he sounded, and a little nervous.

He walked around the room as if he was looking for something. "There were a lot of voices, very loud. Now it's... quiet." He turned back to her, and closed the distance between them. "How did you make them be quiet?"

Buffy looked at him with confusion. "You don't remember? What's the last thing you remember?"

Spike ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not sure." He sighed and then took in a deep breath. Suddenly his gaze landed on the cups. He picked it up and smelled it -- Slayer's blood. He looked back at her arm. She could see the wheels turning as he pieced it together. "You fed me? I thought it was another hallucination - might still be. It's all so jumbled. Can't tell what's real."

He sat heavily on the cot, lost in thought. Buffy was worried this was the end of his lucid moment, but after a little bit he looked up again. His eyes searched hers, hoping to find an answer. Finally he asked, "Why?"

Buffy had anticipated this question, and she still didn't have an answer. "I don't know exactly. Partly because I feel responsible for what happened to you."

Spike snorted and turned away. He didn't want her pity or guilt.

She reached out and took his arm gently, pulling him back around to face her. "I said that was part of it. You're back and we have a chance to start over. To wipe the slate clean. I've thought about this a lot, and whatever happens, I want to do things right this time. That starts with honesty."

Spike raised an eyebrow. He decided to play along. "So, what was the other part?"

"Hunh?"

"You said that was part of it. What's the rest?"

"Oh, right. Well, I did a lot of thinking over the summer. I didn't get to tell you because you caught me by surprise and then you were all insane and babbly." She looked away and chided herself for stalling. She took a deep breath and looked back, meeting his gaze. "I missed you. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I wanted you to get well so I could find out." She hesitated as he stared at her. "I figured I owed us both at least that much."

Spike considered that while she turned and started to root through a box. Spike was beginning to wonder if the insanity had rubbed off on her. "Aha," she exclaimed as she pulled something out of a box and held it up triumphantly. Spike took a step backward. "It won't bite," she chided. "Come on."

She held up his duster and he slid his arms into it. He shrugged it into place and adjusted the collar. "I figured you'd burn it," he said quietly.

"I won't say I didn't think about it. I was really mad right after you left. Not just because of the fight we had, but because you left and I needed your help."

Spike looked confused. This didn't sound like the Slayer he had known, fought, and loved for all these years. By now she should have broken his nose, or at least insulted him a few times.

As if she read his mind she said, "I'm not going to hit you, Spike. I had a lot of time to think this summer and I maybe I even grew up a little. Even if all we are is friends and "co-workers" as you put it, there needs to be a foundation of mutual trust and respect." Buffy was pacing around as the said the last and waving her arms to emphasize her points. She sounded a bit like she was reciting from her psych books, but at least she'd gotten in out.

Spike caught her arms as she walked by him again. "We'll never be friends."

She nodded. She knew that was true.

"And how exactly is this trust and respect supposed to happen - between us?" he asked.

"I don't know." She paused to think. "All I know is that it has to happen, or one day we'll kill each other. Those are the only possible ways this can end."

She was right, and he knew it. He realized she hadn't even tried to pull her arms away from him. She'd taken the first steps, now it was up to him. "Fair enough." He let go of her arms and stepped back. "What happens next?"

"I have no idea." They stood and stared at each other until Buffy broke the silence. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel a lot like I did before." He stretched a bit and enjoyed the feeling of the slayer's blood coursing through him. "Now that the voices have quieted down, I think I'm starting to feel some of that guilt Angel was always whingeing about. But I feel a hell of a lot better than I did before you..." He tilted his head and looked at her with depth of emotion that took her breath away. "Thanks. Never could have asked you to do that, and I can't hope to repay you."

"Shhh," she stopped him from saying any more. For the first time in months, she felt some hope that things were on the right track. She reached out her arms tentatively and waited to see what he would do. Spike looked at her for a moment, and then stepped forward. Buffy pulled him into her arms. She'd been wanting to hug and comfort him ever since she found him at the school. It was like a missing piece of the puzzle came together.

She patted his back as they stood together. "Spike, we can only go forward if we let go of the past." She realized she was crying when she felt him wipe a tear from her cheek.

"That sounded very wise. Where did that come from?" He smiled at her as he dried the rest of her tears.

"Giles said it to me. I can't remember the occasion, but it stuck with me."

Spike smiled and pulled her against him again. She heard him sniffle and looked up, surprised to see tears in his eyes.

Spike refused to be embarrassed as he wiped them away. "I've been to Africa and back, got a soul, never thought you'd speak to me again, much less let me hold you again - I think I'm entitled to be a little emotional."

"Ya, I guess we both are," she agreed.

They stood for a long time just comforting each other and accepting comfort. It was the start of forgiveness.

Finally, Spike heard footsteps approaching the basement door. He let go of Buffy. "You're friends have come to check on us." He tilted his head at the stairs. "Here." He reached out and brushed her hair back, and then checked to make sure there were no signs of the emotional outburst. She did the same for him.

By the time Xander and Giles opened the door, Buffy and Spike were halfway up the stairs. Buffy walked past them and over to the couch. Spike followed, his duster swirling behind him. The effect on Xander and Giles was striking. Spike was back. His walk, the way he carried himself, it all spoke of the old Spike complete with his cocky self-confidence. When he turned and sat next to Buffy, they saw the one difference. It was in his eyes. They were softer somehow - the contempt was gone.

"You seem to be feeling better," Giles began.

"Much better, thanks for your concern, Rupert."

"I'm sure we'll all agree that's good news." Giles looked at Xander.

"Sure, whatever." Xander scowled.

Giles frowned. "Xander, I need to get some information from Spike. Why don't you take Dawn to the library or to get some ice cream?"

Xander started to protest, but both Giles and Buffy glared at him. "Fine! Dawn, get your coat. We're going out for dinner."

Dawn rushed downstairs and saw Spike sitting on the couch. She went over to him and bent down to look in his eyes. She waved a hand back and forth in front of his face.

Spike caught her hand. "Nibblet, a tasty morsel like you should be more careful - not go waving your hands in any demon's face."

"Spike!" She exclaimed. "Spike, you're back!" She lunged at him and gave him a bear hug. "I was so worried," she sobbed. Then she let go and hit him on the shoulder. "You should have said good-bye! I was worried sick!"

"Dawn," Buffy interrupted. "There will be no more hitting each other."

"Oh, sorry," Dawn murmured. Then she brightened again. "So that means you've made up?"

Spike looked at Buffy to see what she would say. Buffy was surprised but recovered quickly. "Yes, we've decided to leave the past in the past. We still have some things to work out, so," she pointed a warning finger at her sister, "don't get carried away."

Dawn nodded and said good-bye. She bounced out of the house dragging a very annoyed Xander with her.

Giles watched them leave and then took a seat in the living room. "If you feel up to it, I would like to ask you a few questions."

Spike's turned to face Giles. "Go ahead, ask away."

"Buffy said you seemed to know something was coming. How exactly?"

"From beneath you it devours." Spike repeated the phrase. "Something is coming. Something big and bad. All the demons are talking about it."

Giles looked at Spike, clearly expecting more information.

Spike shook his head. "That's all I know, Watcher. All anybody knows."

Giles mulled that over for a minute. "Does this have something to do with how you got your soul back?"

Spike looked stunned, as if Giles had struck him. "Is that what you all think? Maybe the pathetic demon went off, did something to get himself cursed? Well that's not how it happened."

"That is how the only other vampire with a soul acquired his." Giles sighed as he removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Why don't you tell me about it then?"

Spike shook his head. "Don't think you really want to know, Rupert."

Buffy tried to reassure him. "I want to know too. I need," she stressed the word need, "to know what happened to you, Spike."

"Didn't happen 'to' me. You both make it sound like an accident. Wasn't. Had to go all the way to Africa to find someone, something who could do it."

"You did it intentionally?" Giles exclaimed. His glasses slipped from his grip and he fumbled around on the carpet for a moment to find them.

Spike nodded. Giles stared at him. He had seen a great many strange things in his life, and Spike had always been full of surprises, but this was beyond anything else.

Buffy was shocked. He did it on purpose. Her mind raced as she considered the implications of Spike's simple statement.

"Wouldn't have endured the tests if I hadn't been trying to get it back. Bloody painful too, but nothing compared to when he put it back in." Spike rubbed his chest as if that would ease some of the pain.

Giles was dumbfounded. Finally he managed to say, "Why?"

"Why do you think, Watcher?" Spike's eyes drilled into him as he waited for Giles to connect the dots. Giles blinked in amazement, and Spike nodded slowly.

"But that's..." Giles didn't know what to say.

"Oh, but that's right, you lot think I don't have feelings. So how do you explain it then?" He sat back and waited for Giles to answer.

Buffy shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She had suspected the truth after Spike's rambling explanation in the church.

Giles mulled it over. Spike had said again and again that he loved Buffy. He'd fought with them before her death, protected Dawn after it, and then stayed by Buffy's side when she returned. The question of why he stayed to protect Dawn had always nagged at him, but he'd never really stopped to analyze it.

"Why don't you start at the beginning? Tell us about your trip and the trials." Giles pulled out a notepad and pen and got ready to take notes.

Spike began his tale with his visit to LA to have Lorne read him. He had told Lorne his plan and then sang. Lorne gave him a cryptic song and dance about his destiny and the path he was on. It all boiled down to confirming that the only way to set things right was to go to Africa.

He told Giles about his arrival in Africa and how he'd found the creature who could help him. Spike tried to gloss over the tests, but Giles pried every detail out of him. Buffy listened with rapt attention, cringing at times and other times staring at him in amazement.

Giles filled page after page in his notebook. He tried not to focus on the horror of the story Spike related to him and just worked to transcribe it. He couldn't let himself stop and think about the implications. There would be time for that later. Right now he was too busy hanging on as his world was being turned upside down.

Spike finished with the creature putting a hand on his chest and the blinding pain he had felt. Then he sat back and waited as Giles finished up his notes.

Giles flipped back through his notes and asked more questions, filling in details as he read over Spike's story. One part of the narrative puzzled him. He frowned, and studied a few pages before sitting back and eyeing the vampire. "Spike," he said, "what was the exact phrasing you used when you asked for your soul. It could be important."

When he got no answer, he looked up and saw Spike nervously fiddling with the coasters on the coffee table.

"Now is not the time to get squeamish. What did exactly did you say to this... creature?"

"I said several things." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, looking out of the corner of his eye at Buffy. She looked about like him - like she was about to jump out of her skin.

Buffy laid a hand on Spike's arm and smiled at him. She looked up at Giles. "Giles, put the notepad down, ok?"

Giles reluctantly closed the pad and put it and the pen on the coffee table.

"Go ahead, Spike." Buffy encouraged him.

"You sure you want to hear this?" Spike asked her.

"No." She gave him a brave smile and squeezed his arm. "But I figure I need to know."

Spike nodded. "He knew why I was there, before I told him anything. Said he knew it was because of the Slayer. Told me I was a pathetic excuse for a demon. Coming crawling back and asking for... restoration. But he promised if I endured the trials, if I survived them, then I'd get what I wanted."

"Ah." Giles' eyebrows went up at this new information. He wasn't sure what was more disturbing, that Spike had gone on this quest because of Buffy, or the fact that this creature knew it. "But do you remember exactly what you asked for?"

Spike looked at Buffy, and she nodded. Then he spoke so quietly that Giles almost missed it. "Course I remember. I said," he paused and took a breath. "I said, 'Make me what I was... so Buffy can get what she deserves.' And then he gave me my soul back."

Buffy squeezed his arm tightly and stared into his eyes. Tears were once again threatening to fall. She blinked them back as she tried to comprehend what Spike had done.

Giles paused, his glasses suspended in mid air. He remained frozen for a long moment. "And he returned your soul in answer to that request," Giles breathed. He lowered his glasses and polished them thoughtfully.

"You certainly are full of surprises." Giles put his glasses on. "There's one thing I don't understand."

Spike was fiddling with the coasters again, avoiding looking at Giles. "Only one thing, Rupert?"

Giles chuckled. "I'm sure there will be more later, once this has all sunk in. But for now, tell me why, if you did all this for Buffy, why didn't you let her know you were back? Why the hiding?"

Buffy looked up. It was embarrassing enough to be in the room with Giles while Spike told his story. But the reason he left Sunnydale, that was off the meter.

Spike stood suddenly and paced. He hadn't wanted to tell Giles about his little adventure, but he'd done it. Telling him about Buffy was another thing altogether. She might not take kindly to him revealing certain details. He glanced at her and saw the anxiety coming off her in waves.

"After you left, Giles, Buffy and I had a falling out. Once I had the soul I understood a few things a little better. I didn't think she would want to see me. But I didn't have anywhere else to go, and I promised I'd take care of Dawn. Till the end of the world." He said the last softly. He hazarded a look at Buffy, and was relieved to see that she met his eyes and held them. Spike hoped that explanation would satisfy Giles.

Giles was intrigued by what Spike had left out. The old Spike would have flaunted the fact that he'd slept with the Slayer, bragged about it to anyone who would listen. Not hesitated to embarrass her in front of him. But as he thought more about it, he realized that Spike had slowly been replaced over the last couple of years.

"Buffy, after that I think I need a drink. Could I trouble you to make me some tea?" Giles asked.

She raised an eyebrow. "Dawn at least got ice cream when you wanted her out of the house."

Giles smiled sheepishly. "Quite true."

Buffy sighed and headed to the kitchen. Giles would find a way to speak to Spike alone. It might as well be when she was at home and could intervene if things got out of hand.

Once Buffy was out of the room, Giles continued. "Spike, please sit." He paused for a moment while Spike took a seat. "I understand you and Buffy had some difficult times last year." He saw Spike's back stiffen, and he tried to reassure him. "Buffy also knew she could rely on you. She's had a lot of time to think and reflect on her life this past summer." He smiled at Spike. "I expect you've noticed she's not unhappy you're back."

Spike snorted. "Rupert, she has me here because she needs help with the latest big bad who's trying to take over Sunnydale or destroy the world, or whatever's fashionable for demons this year. I'm still a means to an end."

Spike wasn't sure yet where he stood with the Watcher, and he didn't want to be maneuvered into revealing more than was necessary.

Giles sighed and tried again - perhaps a different tack was required. He took a deep breath. "When two people have such a complicated... volatile relationship already, like you and Buffy, and then you throw sex into the mix, there are bound to be one or two rough spots along the way."

Spike's head snapped around and his mouth dropped open in shock. "What?" Giles was the closest thing Buffy had to a father. He couldn't believe she'd told him about them.

"Spike, there's no use in maintaining this pretense, however gallant it might be. Buffy confided in me about your relationship when I came back to assist with the Willow situation."

Spike narrowed his eyes. "What exactly did she tell you?" Spike didn't want to give away anything Giles didn't already know. He fidgeted in his seat. It felt like he was under a microscope. He needed to move around, to get away from the Watcher's penetrating gaze.

"She spared me the exact details, but suffice it to say, I have a fairly complete understanding of your relationship from the point you found the chip didn't work on her until you left Sunnydale. She told me of her regrets about how she treated you, particularly the incident before her birthday. And... she told me about the fight you had just before you left Sunnydale."

Spike jumped up, causing Giles to pull back, gripping his notepad and pen.

"She said we had a fight?" Spike was surprised and a little confused. He ran a hand through his hair as he paced back and forth behind Giles' chair.

Giles sighed. "I was rather disturbed by the information. And more so when Buffy explained to me how it was not dissimilar to a number of other 'encounters' the two of you had had previously... except that she followed through on stopping you."

Giles shook his head. "I'm not going to defend what either of you did. You each brutalized the other in ways I don't want to think about. But, it seems both of you are finally aware of what you've been doing. I'm not sure what will happen now, whether or not it's even possible to fix things, but I do know she's forgiven you. And more importantly, from my perspective, she badly needs your forgiveness."

"What makes you think she's forgiven me?"

"She told me so. And then there was her little display earlier today." Spike stopped pacing and sank in to the couch. Giles was amazed when he lowered his head into his hands and began sobbing. He knew Spike tended to wear his emotions on his sleeve, but this was... well it was awkward. He didn't know if he should pretend it wasn't happening, offer him a tissue, or give him a hug. The last option was right out. Giles fell back on his old habits and gave Spike his privacy by picking up his notepad and pretending to study it.

"Giles! What did you do?" Buffy thrust the tea mugs at Giles and went to Spike. She put an arm around him and looked up at Giles. "Well?"

"We talked. I informed Spike that you had confided in me about everything that happened while I was in England."

"And that caused this?" Buffy frowned at Giles.

"I told him you had forgiven him, and that I believed you wanted and needed his forgiveness." Giles sighed again. "Buffy generally refrain from meddling in your affairs, but it needed to be aired, and I wasn't sure it could wait until you..."

"Until I pulled my head out of the sand?" Buffy finished. "This is the new and improved Buffy, no avoidiness anymore. I know you're just trying to help." She rubbed Spike's back as she continued quietly. "I really appreciate that you're not judging me. I was so afraid that you'd be disappointed in me when you came back."

Giles smiled at her. She was like the daughter he'd never had. And God help him, Spike was looking a bit like the son he... who was he kidding, the son he'd never wish on anyone. At least he could trust Spike to stay with her.

"I have everything I need for now. If you don't mind, I think I'll go get a newspaper and start looking for a new flat." Giles got up and collected his coat and keys.

Buffy looked up at him as he walked to the door. "We get the newspaper, Giles."

"Quite. Well I'll get another one while I'm at the grocery store then." He shut the front door behind him as he left.

Buffy stared after him for a moment and then turned back to Spike. He was still sniffling softly. She hoped this tearfulness wasn't going to be a regular feature of the soul. Buffy handed him a tissue and he wiped his face. "Spike, this isn't helping your image as a scary vampire."

He gave her a watery smile, sighing, "Yeah, better stay away from Willie's till I get this soul sorted out."

"Spike," Buffy hesitated. "Now that you're dried off, I don't want to start you up again..., but you should know, what Giles said was right. I forgave you a long time ago." She looked very serious and vulnerable. She broke eye contact and looked down at her hands. "And I'm hoping you can forgive me for being so horrible to you."

Spike was tearing up again, but he smiled. "Same here, Luv. I forgave you ages ago."

Buffy hugged Spike fiercely. Then suddenly she let go. He watched her grab a handful of tissues and swipe at her own eyes with them. "Enough already!" She jumped to her feet.

Spike stood and backed up a little, not at all sure what was going on.

Buffy noticed his reaction. She chuckled and held out her hand. "I think I need a 'spot of violence' to get rid of this weepiness. Want to come along?"

He took her hand. They grabbed some stakes, and left the house.

"After we sweep the cemeteries, how about if we swing by the Bronze?" She asked as they approached the first cemetery on their route.

"Don't think there'll be much demon activity at the Bronze, Pet."

"Good. I don't want to have to run out and slay something in the middle of a dance."

He stopped and eyed her with curiosity. "Is this a date?"

"What, this? No." She walked back to him. "This is work." She ran her fingers up the lapels of his duster, and took hold of them and pulled him forward. "But you know how it is, two people in the workplace, feelings can develop..." She slid her hands up higher and laced her arms around his neck.

Spike stared into her eyes, frozen for a minute, then he smiled. "I don't know. Slayer. Vampire." But as Spike continued looking into her eyes, he couldn't control the hope he felt rising again. He wrapped his arms around her waist.

Buffy squeezed him back. "I don't know either, but let's find out. Nothing radical for now, just a few dates, get to know each other again, talk through our issues, see how things go. What do you think?" She kissed the tip of his nose playfully. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

"I think we should get back to work." He disentangled himself and started back toward the cemetery. She watched him go with a frown on her face.

Spike stopped a few yards away. "Come on then." He held out his hand to her. "Sooner we kill the baddies, the sooner I can start getting reacquainted with some of my favorite things."

Buffy jogged forward and took his hand. "When exactly did I become a thing?"

"Don't know what you mean, Luv. Was talking about buffalo wings and blooming onions."

Buffy pouted, and Spike laughed. It felt so good to be able to joke and laugh again with each other.

Things were not the way they were before, but maybe now they could be better.

 

The End