This is something I whipped up in about 4 hours. It is chock full of inside jokes which you probably won't get, but I hope you enjoy.
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to persons, real, fictional, alive or deceased, is strictly coincidental.
HEARING 07564-3
FOOTBALL POOL vs STEPHEN LAM
(CAST
Judge: Andrew
District Attorney: Keith
Defendant: Stephen
Witness #1: Thomas
Witness #2: Stephen's auntie
Bailiff: Peter
Jury Member #1: Warren
Jury Member #2: Vincent
(Steve is supposed to be the third juror, but he is not in attendance for
some reason))
Bailiff: All rise.
[Judge enters, looks like he hasn't slept in days]
Judge: Please be seated. Today we shall hear case 07564-3, FOOTBALL POOL
vs STEPHEN LAM. [To defendant] Do you understand the charges against you?
[Defendant looks cool and collected. He has a smirk on his face and
leans back in his chair.]
Defendant: Yes. I don't require any cocky lawyers. I can defend myself.
Judge: What is your plea?
Defendant: I plead not guilty.
Judge: Very well. [To D.A.] Please call your first witness.
[D.A. stands up and removes his Miami Dolphins leather jacket. He is
wearing a teal Miami Dolphins jersey. The name "Marino" and the number
13 are emblazoned on the back. He is also sporting sunglasses, sandals
and a Miami Dolphins baseball cap.]
D.A.: I call Mr. Thomas Lam to the stand.
[Witness #1, in an expensive-looking Armani suit, stands up.
He emerges from a sea of men dressed in dark suits and sunglasses seated
in the back rows of the courtroom. He proceeds to the witness stand.]
[Bailiff presents a bible, instructs Witness to place his right
hand on the bible]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth, so help you God?
Witness #1: I do.
D.A.: What is your name?
Witness #1: Thomas Lam.
D.A.: [looks suspiciously at the witness] You aren't related to that
"Big Boss" character who was in here last week, suspected of running a
money-laundering underground gambling operation code-named "GA", are you?
[Defendant squirms uncomfortably, oohs and aahs come from crowd]
Witness #1: If I were you, bud, I would watch my mouth. Don't you agree,
BPG? [turns and smiles knowingly at the Judge, who flinches for a
moment before regaining his composure]
Judge: [to Bailiff] Strike that outburst from the record.
Bailiff: Yes, Your Honour.
Judge: [to Witness] Please answer the question.
Witness #1: [hesitatingly] Umm ... I invoke my Fifth Amendment Right.
Judge: [lets out a sigh of relief] All right then. Let's get started.
[turns to D.A.] Proceed.
D.A.: Where were you, Mr. Lam, on the morning of Sunday, September 30th,
2001, at around 10:30am?
Witness #1: At that time, I wasn't home.
D.A.: What happened when you got home?
Witness #1: I noticed that someone left a message on my answering machine.
D.A.: Who was the caller?
Witness #1: It was the defendant, Stephen Lam. [points across the
defendant across the courtroom]
D.A.: And what did the defendant say in his message?
Witness #1: Here's the scoop: he asked me to "find some way" to let you
guys know that he is picking ALL UNDERDOGS this week, and his GOTW is the
Monday night game. He said he could not find the time to make his picks
and asked me whether I could help him.
D.A.: [getting excited] And how about the tone of his voice? Did he sound
desperate?
Defendant: False play! (stutters for a second) I mean, Objection, Your
Honour!
Judge: Sustained.
D.A.: (ahem) What time was it when you listened to his message?
Witness #1: After 12 noon that day.
D.A.: So, what did you do next?
Witness #1: Since I didn't get the message before the deadline, I
could not help him to submit his picks through other means. So, I sent
an e-mail to everyone describing what happened.
D.A.: I have a printout of this e-mail. I would like to record this
as Exhibit "A".
Judge: Noted.
[D.A. passes a Ziploc bag to the bailiff, who is wearing medical gloves.
Inside the Ziploc bag is a piece of white paper, folded in four.]
D.A.: One last question: to the best of your knowledge, did the
defendant submit anything electronically?
Witness #1: No.
D.A.: Aha!! I have another of sheet of paper here, which I would like
to enter as Exhibit "B". [hands Exhibit "B" to judge] As you can see,
whenever picks are made from the website, an e-mail is automatically sent
to the commissioner with a list of the picks made. This sheet contains
a list of picks made for the games this past week.
Judge [to Bailiff]: Enter document as Exhibit "B", please.
[Bailiff puts on a fresh set of gloves and gets to work.]
D.A.: [pulls out another sheet of paper] This is a copy of Exhibit "B".
[shows it to Judge] Can you identify the nature of this e-mail?
Judge: Yes. It is a confirmation of picks made from the defendant's
account on the football pool website.
D.A.: And these are not default picks, because the defendant had the
audacity to select St. Louis as his GOTW. [glares at defendant]
Judge: I see.
D.A.: And what is the timestamp on this e-mail?
Judge: 10:48am on Sunday.
D.A.: Thank you, Your Honour. [returns his attention to the witness]
D.A.: Thus, is it not true that the defendant actually submitted picks
himself on Sunday?
Witness #1: I stand corrected. I guess he did.
Judge: I don't understand. Why did the defendant call the witness if
he managed to make picks by himself?
D.A.: Why are you asking me? I'm the lawyer.
Judge: So that ends the trial, doesn't it? He submitted something,
what's the issue here?
[Witness gets angry and raises his voice]
Witness #1: Just in case you guys think I am on Stephen's side, I AM NOT,
OK? I haven't, and will not, tabulate Stephen's score this week - he is
not on my radar screen...yet. Here are the facts that I consider relevant:
1. he submitted something prior to calling me this morning (and that is
why he has a GOTW selection);
2. he called me PRIOR to the deadline and asked me to submit his
revisions;
3. he did not submit his revisions properly.
If the 12pm EST deadline is the issue here, then we should use his
revised picks as his official picks for this week.
D.A.: Hey pal, what happens here isn't up to you, you Flutie fan.
Witness #1: Shut the fuck up! At least I'm not a Phins fan, whose
overrated D was being picked apart by the reborn Greatest Show On Earth.
D.A.: Them's fightin' words! [rolls up his sleeves]
[At the same time, all of the men in dark suits in the back rows of the
courtroom jump up to their feet and pull out guns from their inner suit
pockets.]
Judge: Order! [hits his hammer thing a few times, waits until the dark-
suited men sit down, then turns to Witness]
So, are you saying that the defendant submitted something PRIOR to calling
you on Sunday?
Witness #1: Yes.
[At this point a great cheer arises from outside of the courtroom.]
D.A.: [convinced what the commotion is about, whispers to the Bailiff]
Hey, could you update the Dallas-Philly score for me? I don't have TSN ...
[Judge glares at the D.A.]
D.A.: Sorry.
Judge: All right. Now we're getting to the real story. Whatever the
defendant submitted closest to the cut-off time must stand
as his selection for the week. So, since the submission was made prior to
the phone call, it is decided that the defendant's picks from the webpage
will stand. [about to close the case]
Witness #1: Wait!
[Judge and D.A. turn toward the Witness.]
Witness #1: Umm ... I'm not positive that that's the case.
D.A.: What do you mean?
Witness #1: I don't know for a fact that his submission came before the
phone call.
[Judge groans]
Witness #1: I apologize for assuming that he
had submitted something before calling me (I did not know about the
default picks the website generates, so when I saw his picks on the
website, I thought, "oh, this call is for a revision."). Since Andrew
got an email confirmation from the website, I think his latest
submission should be used. That being said, we should still wait for
the busy Stephen to clear the air.
D.A.: Anything else to add?
Witness #1: I think that's it for now.
D.A.: I don't think we're going to get anything more out of you. No
further questions.
Judge: [to Witness] You may step down.
[Witness #1 returns to his seat, receiving high-fives from all of the
dark-suited men.]
D.A.: For my next witness, I call the defendant, Stephen Lam, to the
stand.
[The defendant takes the stand. Bailiff repeats the drill with the
bible.]
D.A.: What is your name and where do you currently reside?
Defendant: Stephen Lam. Currently I live in Hong Kong.
D.A.: And what is your occupation?
Defendant: I am a flute instructor.
D.A.: (snickers) All right, Mr. Flute Instructor, I understand that
there is a 12-hour difference between Eastern time and Hong Kong time.
So, where were you at 10:30pm on Sunday, September 30th, 2001?
Defendant: I have to work overtime on Sunday before deadline. I also
find out I cannot go back to home and send my picks.
D.A.: So what did you do?
Defendant: The best option at that moment, around 10:30am (Eastern
time), is to use my mobile phone to call Thomas and pray if he's
at home. Unfortunately he isn't available so I still leave a message on
his answering machine.
D.A.: So you made the call at 10:30am Eastern time, is that correct?
Defendant: Yes.
D.A.: Then what happened?
Defendant: However when I quit the phone call, I wonder what will happen
if he cannot
get my message to Andrew before the deadline. So I make another call to
my auntie at home. Without any online experience I tell her how to get
internet access, using IE5, using bookmarks, typing my user name and
password, sending my picks and GOTW in 20 minutes. And finally we finish
the conversation around 10:50am.
Judge: So it's agreed then that the phone call came before your auntie
submitted your picks?
[Defendant and Witness #1 both nod]
Judge: So it's settled then. The on-line picks came last, therefore
those will be your picks for Week 4. (groans) More unnecessary work
to do ...
D.A.: Wait a minute. I am not so happy with this. At least not until
we get all the facts. It's not clear that he wanted his Aunt to select
all home teams. That's what she did, but maybe we should wait until we
hear what he told her to do. If he told her to take all underdogs, and
she took all home teams, we should leave it as all underdogs.
Defendant: Oh shut up man. If you're going to lose, why can't you lose
with dignity?
Judge: [ignores Defendant] I disagree. Who cares what he told his
aunt to do. For all we know, he could say he told his aunt to take
{kc,STL,NYG,NE,MIN,gb,pit,atl,SD,OAK,cle,bal,PHI,sf}. Does that mean we
give him a 14-0 week? Point being, there's no way to verify what he told
his aunt at this point. Which means, what he gets is what his aunt
submitted; namely, all home teams plus STL-MIA GOTW. He has no one but
himself to blame for not submitting earlier. What he should do is take
his 7-7 score this week and keep his mouth shut.
D.A.: Umm.. this is my point. I'm not sure that we should increase his
score from the "all underdogs" total to the "all home" total. At least,
not unless if he actually says, yes, I told my aunt to pick all home
teams.
Judge: That is also irrelevant. He is responsible for all picks made
from his account, regardless of who actually made them. What happens if
he says "no, I wanted to pick {kc,STL,NYG,NE,MIN,gb,pit,atl,SD,OAK,cle,
bal,PHI,sf}, but my auntie screwed it up"? What's to prevent me from
saying "I really wanted to pick Cleveland, but my mouse slipped and I
picked Jacksonville instead. I want my pick changed". It opens up a
whole can of worms that I don't want to have to deal with.
D.A.: Well, I think there is a way to resolve this. I call my third
witness, Stephen's auntie!
[The crowd gasps. An old Chinese woman takes the stand. The Defendant,
shocked at this turn of events, stares at his aunt, mouth hanging open.]
[Bailiff brings the bible and asks the Witness to swear on it.]
Witness #2: Meh lai ga?
Judge: [to D.A.] Does she know English?
D.A.: She'd better! [turns to Witness] Do you speak English?
Witness #2: Mm sic gong ying mun!
D.A.: Shit! I don't speak Chinese ... can someone translate?
[The Defendant, Witness #1, Jury Member #1, Jury Member #2 and all of
the guys in dark suits in the back rows of the courtroom raise their
hands.]
Judge: Umm ... all of you are disqualified from translating because
none of you are impartial. It looks like we have a problem here.
[turns to D.A.] What do you want to ask her anyway?
D.A.: I want to see if she knows enough about computers to have
actually submitted the Defendant's picks for him.
Judge: Well, that can be tested easily enough. Bailiff!
[The Bailiff disappears out a side door. After about a minute, he
wheels a trolley into the courtroom. On the trolley is a Pentium
2.0 GHz computer system with 1GB of RAM, a 21" flat screen monitor
and a 100 GB hard drive. He boots up Windows XP Professional, loads
up Internet Explorer, positions it in front of the witness stand,
and instructs the Witness to approach the computer]
[Witness #2 approaches the computer. After a few curious glances,
she starts moving the mouse. Next she experiments with the mouse
buttons. All is going well when all of a sudden, a large noise
erupts from the computer. The Witness is puzzled by the sudden
appearance of a blue screen on the monitor. Next, smoke starts
to rise from the tower. Sparks start to fly and the Witness screams
and runs for dear life. The Judge and the crowd duck for cover.
After ten seconds, the noises stop. The $10000 computer system has
been reduced to ash.]
D.A.: [flicks a speck of ash away from his Dolphins jersey] The
prosecution rests, Your Honour.
Judge: Very well. Does the defence wish to call any witnesses?
Defendant: [visibly shaken by his aunt's performance] No, Your
Honour.
Judge: Fine. [turns to the jury] We will recess for 15 minutes
in order to give the jury some time to decide upon a verdict.
[hits the hammer thing]
[Jury deliberates and returns]
Bailiff: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Jury Member #1: Yo man, course we reached a friggin verdit. 'Cuz
when I getz the feelin', it's all over baby ... I pity the foo who
steps in m'way ...
[Jury Member #2 grabs the sheet of paper containing the verdict from
Jury Member #1]
Jury Member #2: We have, Your Honour.
[Bailiff takes paper from Jury Member #2, hands it to the judge]
Judge: Will the defendant please rise.
[Defendant rises]
Judge: You are pronounced guilty as charged. Your picks submitted
by your auntie will stand as your picks for Week 4. Your punishment
is as follows: you are sentenced to live at home with your mother for
the rest of your life. A strict 12:30am curfew will be in effect at
all times. A penalty of "chicken feather stick" is enforceable by
your mother should you break your curfew.
Defendant: [horrified] NO!! Please, no! Anything but that!!
[pleads in vain as he is dragged away by police officers]
Judge: That is all. Case dismissed.
THE END
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