Originally published October 19, 2000
by Adam Zurn

We've all heard the tale of the Monkey's Paw while sitting around the snaps and pops of the smoky campfire. A person with well meaning but greedy tendencies comes in possession of a magical monkey's paw, which grants the owner three wishes. However, each wish comes at a price far greater than the worth of the wish itself. In the end, the final wish brings about the owner's downfall.

I have such a paw, and let me tell you about my second wish.

I don't do a lot of dating. I do so little, in fact, that I dread seeing relatives on holidays because they ask the same question: "Are you seeing anyone?". The answer is always the same.

I had grown tired of spending my Saturday nights alone. What I wanted was a woman. A woman with personality who I could talk to for hours and those hours would pass as if they were minutes.

While an attractive appearance would be nice, it was hardly a requirement. I wished for simple female companionship.

I had made the wish so long ago that I had completely forgotten about it until this summer. I ran into this wonderfully attractive girl I knew from high school. We had gone out once before and now here she was, a teller at my local bank. I ran into her again a few days later, and it occurred to me that it might be nice to take her out to dinner.

We had so much to talk about: common interests, adventure stories, and deep thoughts on life. It wasn't long before I asked for a second datea thirda fourth

The paw had fulfilled my wish just as I had asked and in greater detail than I could have possibly hoped for. It had provided a woman who liked spending time with me and with whom I enjoyed talking.

It wasn't long until I became completely infatuated with her. I had trouble eating and sleeping. She had grabbed my attention, and I found it difficult to focus on anything else.

Not only was she extremely attractive and talented but possessed the most enchanting personality. She was the type of woman who made me willing to try and be a better man. And for the first time in a long time, I was content.

I thought the feelings might be mutual-to a certain extent at least. But this is where that cursed paw added its evil twist.

One evening, after a midnight boat ride, her face silhouetted softly by the moonlight, I learned that she thought we should "just be friends."

I was devastated. The shortsightedness of my own wish had prevented the very thing I wanted most-someone to love. I wanted to run back and with that demonic paw use my remaining wish to change her feelings towards me.

But I didn't.

What evil would come from that final wish? Who would it destroy in the process: me, her, both of us? I realized that the real evil in the wish might be that I would be making someone love me who didn't. If so, would I be able to live with myself for having "bought" love? I cared for her too much to do that. On the other hand, the evil may be that I never used my third wish to make things right.

That's the nightmare, that's my downfall, wondering day to day what may have been but never was. So can I interest anyone in the sale of a monkey's paw?

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EXERCISE: How would you use your third wish?
A. Wish for more wishes.
B. Wish for wild crazy monkey sex.
C. Don't use your third wish.
D. Wish for her love.
E. Wish none of this ever happened.
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