Originally published February 20, 1998
by Adam Zurn

As a college student stuck with a 19 meal plan, I don't have much reason to visit a grocery store. Even if I wanted to, it would be a little difficult since I'm not allowed to have a car on campus.

However not too long ago, I was in a grocery store. I was instantly transported to my days of the weekly visit to the Acme with my mother.

During the visit, I had one mission and one mission only. That mission was to pick out my box of cereal for the following week.

This was no easy job. It required my full thought and concentration. My choice would affect what I had for breakfast for the next seven days. I'm sure that as a child, you all remember just how long a week can be. It might as well have been an eternity.

Often this cumbersome process would take me most of the time it took my mother to do the rest of the grocery shopping. There were several criteria the cereal had to fulfill in order for me to bestow my choice upon it. I studied those boxes the same way a Wall Street stockbroker might evaluate and study the market.

I looked many of the boxes over, shook them, felt the grain of the box, read the labels, pondered, searched for spiritual guidance, and even used a little gut feeling.

Let me reassure you that my choice was never affected by nutritional value or sale price. I was looking for three things in a box of cereal and three things only. First, the cereal needed to have a flashy box with lots to read on the cover and a cool logo or movie tie-in character on the front.

The second criteria was it had to have lots of marshmallows in multi-colors, crunchy sugarcoated funky shaped non-marshmallow things, and when finished, the milk needed to have changed color.

The third and most important condition was that there needed to be prize inside the box. Not just anything like a sticker or fake tattoo, but something original. Something I couldn't find anywhere else. This third point was so important that it could easily override all other choices regardless of whether the cereal met the first two criteria.

On those visits, I never had any trouble finding the perfect box of cereal for the coming week. I often found that the same several boxes were semifinalists week after week.

The choices often included Count Chocula, Franken Berry, Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, Apple Jacks, Cookie Crisp, Fruit Loops, Rice Krispies, and Cheerios (even though the last two were plain). Yes, they were loaded with sugar and fake fruity color. But I loved them for it.

But by far, the best reason for eating these cereals were the prizes inside. Unlike today, you actually got one. I remember when I used to get matchbox-racing cars, gooey things that stuck to the wall, treasure maps that I could color, and bouncy balls.

What happened? Do those manufacturers expect people to eat that crap without a real cool prize inside? No, way!! There's not an ice cube's chance in Hell for me to eat four boxes of cereal to get the proofs of purchase, then round up $4.95 plus shipping and handling and wait four to six weeks so they can send me a mini foam soccer ball.

I think children of America should boycott the cereals of today until manufacturers put some worthy prizes inside. This isn't Cuba, it's not even Russia. It's the greatest country in the world. It's full of opportunity to anyone who is willing to eat a box of sugarcoated, marshmallow mixed, techno-colored, low nutrition cereal.

Pour yourself a big bowl and eat up. It's time for the breakfast of champions.