The September 2006 changes to the Zero Club Rules and Regulations were approved by the Board of Directors, who signed and ratified the Treaty of Queenstown Road Battersea 2006.

This Treaty supersedes the Zero Club Rules and Regulations introduced previously, namely the Treaty of Shadwell 1988, Treaty of Syon Lane 1990, Chalfont and Latimer Amendment 1992, Penge West Directive 1995, Clause of Dagenham Dock 1998, Norwood Junction Agreement 2003, Phipps Bridge Statute 2004 and the Whyteleafe South Accord 2005

The aims of the Zero Club

The Zero Club was founded in 1988 in South East England, by a group of friends who were disillusioned with their love life (or rather, their lack of one). The Zero Club’s members are all males. Theoretically, the Zero Club could have been unisex. However, as it has been impossible to find an unattached woman that would give us the time of day, we have never talked with a woman long enough to discuss the possibility of a unisex Zero Club.

Since 1988, the Zero Club has been split into two factions, the Liberals and the Hardliners:

Zero Club Liberals

The Liberals believe that the only criterion for entry to the Club is lack of success with women, irrespective of how many times they have tried and failed. The Liberals represent the vast majority of Zero Club members.

The average Zero Club Liberal has made numerous attempts to get a woman, but has received few rewards, if any at all. However, despite all the setbacks, he keeps on trying.

Zero Club Hardliners

Meanwhile, the Hardliners have always believed that not only failure with women, but also a total lack of effort with women should be an eligibility factor for the club’s membership.

The typical Zero Club Hardliner’s very extreme philosophy is that, if you cannot be the most successful man with women, you might as well be the biggest failure you can with women.

In football terms, if your team has lost their first 37 Premiership games of the season without scoring a single goal, wouldn’t it be a great shame if they ruined their record of perfect failure by getting a 1-1 draw in their final game. If you are going to be a failure, you might as well be a failure in style, and be proud of your failure while you are at it.

The Zero Club Hardliners have even adopted the following unofficial mission statement: “If you redefine failure as success, then you can be successful every time.”

September 2006 Zero Club restructuring

In September 2006, a compromise between the two factions was reached under the Treaty of Queenstown Road Battersea. The Hardliners have accepted that their criteria are too harsh, and that only success with women should determine whether one is eligible to join the Zero Club. As a result, the Associated Membership category of the Zero Club was discontinued leaving just two categories, Full membership and Affiliate membership.

Zero Club admission criteria – Full membership

Being a Zero Club Full Member is the perfect way to demonstrate to the whole world that you are, and always have been, a total loser with women.

The entry criteria are as follows:

The minimum age limit is 21, in order to allow members a good few years to prove their failure with the opposite sex.

Potential members must not have been to bed with a woman. Hence, no sex or even foreplay must have taken place.

Potential members must not have kissed a woman on the lips. Kisses on the cheek with relations are exempt. However the Club takes a very dim view of kisses on the cheek with potential love interests.

The Zero Club may overlook isolated incidents of dating with the opposite sex. However, more than two dates with a woman in a lifetime would result in certain disqualification from Full Membership.

Everyone who satisfies the above would automatically qualify for Zero Club Full Membership and the use of the designation B.F. (Bachelor of Failure) after their name.

If at any stage a member ceases satisfying any of the above criteria, their full membership will be instantly terminated. However, they may still be eligible for Affiliate Membership.

Zero Club admission criteria – Affiliate membership

Being a Zero Club Affiliate Member demonstrates that your love life at the moment is non-existent. However, it also indicates that you have had at least some success with women in the past.

This is the second tier of the Zero Club. Membership is open to all males over 21 who are not currently in a long-term relationship (or a long-standing arrangement for casual sex) and have not had an incident with a woman for at least 1 month.

This is the most popular category. Over 95% of Zero Club members are Affiliated members.

Zero Club Affiliate Members qualify for the use of the designation AZC (Affiliate of Zero Club) after their name.

Zero Club Qualifications

Every man out there will go through a period of failure with women. The Zero Club offers two world-renowned qualifications that prove how much of a failure you really were:

Zero Club Knighthood – Awarded for failing to get a single match after a speed-dating event, subject to a minimum of 15 females being present at the event.

Zero Club Nobel Prize – Awarded for attempting to pull 100 different women and getting 100 rejections. Please note that the 100 rejections must be consecutive and must take place in a 12-month period. This is a very prestigious qualification, as the recipient also qualifies for an expenses paid trip to Stockholm to receive the Prize, including a free travel card for exploring Stockholm metro.

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