As a member of the Zero Club and with no woman to occupy your time with, you can get a bit bored, not to mention disillusioned. There is no better way to get rid of the Zero Club blues than by spending some time on London’s public transport.
Never mind Big Ben, Trafalgar Square and the Tower of London. For some unconventional tourist explorations in London, here are some of our favourites:
1. Gospel Oak to Barking Line and North London Line
A trip on the Gospel Oak to Barking Line is one of life’s great experiences, on a par with the Trans-Siberian railway I would say. Never mind trains running on electricity, we are talking good old-fashioned diesel engines here. During the ride, you can enjoy elevated views of Leyton and Leytonstone and admire the Central Line from above. Enjoy unrivalled views of the Lee Valley reservoirs and sit in admiration while the 149 bendy bus heads down the Tottenham High Road towards Seven Sisters Station.
And then, the train moves on to my favourite part of the line. In 1990, I had a vivid dream that I was making love to a beautiful woman on the grass verge near the junction with the Liverpool Street to Cheshunt (via Southbury) line. As a Zero Club member, I consider that to be the highlight of my love life.
The line continues in the same interesting vein until Gospel Oak, which is handy for the North London Line, another undiscovered North London gem.
The North London Line starts on a disappointing note, as the journey from North Woolwich to Stratford does not afford the magnificent views that can be seen on nearby stretches of the Docklands Light Railway. A long tunnel and a total absence of elevation make the traveller feel short-changed.
Things do get more interesting from Stratford onwards though. There are freight trains and railway sidings galore to be seen before the train passes through bleak but fascinating inner city council estates and warehouses in Hackney, Islington and Camden. Why not try to count the satellite dishes on south facing tower blocks or spot the artistic potential of old rusting mattresses dumped by the side of the line.
Then, the line goes posh as it passes near Hampstead Heath. Why not spend some time walking through the Heath. There are some nice lakeside locations on the way or maybe go to Parliament Hill (elevation 319 feet) to admire the excellent view of London. However, beware of frustrated members of the Pink Zero Club (no relation) that may want to know you intimately…
If you travel on the North London Line, we do recommend that you make a stopover at Willesden Junction to admire the architecture, as featured on the UNESCO World Heritage List.
There, you can also enjoy the view of the car scrap yard and the adjoining industrial plant that belts out lots of smoke while bulldozers are dumping soil and rocks from a slagheap into freight trains.
2. Docklands Light Railway
No visit to London would be complete without a trip on the Docklands Light Railway. There are two recommended routes:
The first route is from Bank to Lewisham. After a tunnel for the first minute or so, the line is elevated for a large part. Wander in amazement at the proliferation of council estates in Shadwell and enjoy a panoramic view of Limehouse Basin while dreaming that you had enough money to afford to buy a £400,000 penthouse flat in the area.
The train then rises steeply and turns right. The views of the A13 road and New Billingsgate Fish Market are a joy to behold. Then, the full splendour of Canary Wharf can be seen. Why not go to one of the many bars in the area and watch the beautiful women that work in the plush office buildings nearby relax after work… and remind yourself that as a Zero Club member you do not have the remotest chance of pulling any of them.
There are more elevated views of docks and modern office buildings at Heron Quays and South Quay before the interest level decreases proportionally with the elevation as the DLR makes its way towards the tunnel under the Thames. The section South of the Thames is less memorable, save for a point of high elevation in the Deptford Bridge area.
The second recommended route is from Tower Gateway to Beckton. The train is overground from the very beginning. It soon merges with the line from Bank and the route is the same up to the point where the Lewisham line turns left as outlined above. Instead, the Beckton line keeps going straight on.
One can see excellent views of the River Thames and the Millennium Dome from the area around Blackwall and East India Stations.
Further on, there are amazing views of London City Airport. The head-on view of the runway with the disused dock next to it is sublime.
In fact, there is sustained interest right to the final stop at Beckton. On arrival, make sure to take advantage of everyone getting off to secure a front row seat for the return journey, as there is no driver of course. Doing this trip just the once would not be doing it justice.
3. 358 Bus – Bromley South to Crystal Palace
Spend a very interesting 35 minutes or so admiring the leafy areas of Shortlands, Park Langley and Eden Park before breaking the 100-metre contour at Crystal Palace.
There are some great views to the North and East. Then, why not take a stroll in Crystal Palace Park and pass by the famous Crystal Palace transmitter. By all means have an orgasm over the radio waves that are transmitted from the top.
Round off the trip with an apple pie at Crystal Palace McDonalds and reflect on all those Megahertz of electromagnetic radiation.
4. The Woolwich Ferry
Start your tour at Royal Victoria Gardens, where you can admire the tropical vegetation and rich wildlife… well the odd pigeon anyway. Then, jump on the Woolwich Ferry. There is no separate entrance for pedestrians, so why not risk your life boarding and leaving the ferry as you are surrounded by articulated lorries, vans and cars boarding at the same time.
The view is limited as you are stuck below deck, but don’t let that stop you. The imposing presence of Shooters Hill from afar will take your breath away… assuming the traffic fumes don’t do so first.
For the return journey, it may be wise walk for 6 minutes through the foot tunnel under the Thames instead.
5. 521 Bendy bus on a hot Friday evening
Board the 521 at about 8 o’clock and spend an interesting 25 minutes passing through the Centre of London watching beautiful, sexily dressed women drinking in pub gardens celebrating the beginning of weekend in the hot weather, a world away from your Zero Club lifestyle. Start at London Bridge and finish at Waterloo, maybe even catch Waterloo Sunset on a Friday night, maybe Terry and Julie will be there too…
6. Time for Greenwich
Start the tour on the North side of Tower Bridge before walking across the bridge while alongside you - as seen in the classic Pet Shop Boys video for 'West End Girls' - you can see the number 42 bus. Sadly, the double decker Leyland Titans have long gone, as the route is now a single deck operation.
Then, head west along the river and go to London Bridge. Why not buy a Big Mac and fries at McDonald’s for lunch? And if you have a heart attack as a result of junk food overdose, no need to worry. The restaurant is located within the grounds of Guy’s Hospital. Surely something wrong here!
Then, get a train to Greenwich Station, which is rather more off the beaten track than expected. Take a scenic walk past some very dodgy South London council estates before reaching Greenwich Town Centre.
Why not visit the Greenwich Royal Observatory, where the view of the City and Docklands rewards the uphill climb to get there. You can even stand on the Meridian Line, and get the certificate to prove it!
Then, round off the day with a riverboat from Greenwich to Westminster Pier.
7. Reading and the North Downs Line
First stop lunch at the very impressive Oracle Shopping for a McDonald’s lunch at a wonderfully designed riverside area flanked by restaurants and cafes on both sides featuring benches and stylish bridges over the river.
At Reading Station, board a North Downs Line train. The section between Reading and Guildford generates little excitement, as it is flat as a pancake.
However, a few low hills appear after the Guildford tunnel and from Chilworth onwards it is high hills on either side. The town of Dorking deserves a special mention due to the steep hill to the North East, which is more reminiscent of Switzerland than Surrey, thus making the town very picturesque when the surrounding greenery is considered.
The next town of Reigate is reasonably interesting too, but the North Downs hilly landscape gives way to flat terrain at Redhill where it is time to change trains.
If you are as lucky as I was when I did this trip, due to engineering works you will have the unexpected pleasure of getting a rail replacement service bus to Purley and take a bus ride through the areas of Merstham and Smitham. At Purley, there are panoramic views to the West, not to mention a very large pile of sand and rubble to get excited by.
If the North Downs Line was to your satisfaction, you can board a train to Tattenham Corner. The highlight of that journey is travelling between Woodmansterne and Kingswood when some interesting hills are visible on either side.
For countryside fans, why not get a 464 bus from New Addington and spend a fascinating 20 minutes or so driving through countryside hills with brilliant views and a viciously undulating road before arriving at Biggin Hill, passing the famous airport on the way.
8. Waterloo to Dorking
One of the most interesting routes I have been on. You will start in built up London, and end in open countryside.
Start the journey in Waterloo boarding the South West Trains service to Dorking. On leaving the station notice the London Eye on your right. As you appraoch the first station, Vauxhall, look out for the Houses of Parliament and the MI5 building both on the right. Also look out for the Eurostar passing you by.
The next station is Clapham Junction. This is known as Britain's busiest railway station; a popular place for spotters. I recommend getting off the train here and spending a couple of hours watching both South West Trains, Southern Trains, and the Gatwick Express pass you by on 14 platforms of fun.
Rejoining the train service after all that excitement will take you through Suburbia. Notice all the houses. After Epsom the country opens up and you will see a lot more trees and fields either side. After Ashtead the train goes under the M25; it's very exciting knowing you are now officially outside London.
After Leatherhead we come to my favourite part. The fields either side have opened up, and you may be lucky enough to see some farm animals. There is a tunnel - remember to pop your ears, and the train passes through Boxhill and Westhumble station. As you appraoch Dorking the hill on the left is Box Hill, and there is a magnificent vineyard on the right. The train terminates at Dorking. You could try going back up to London with the Southern service that starts there and finishes in Victoria.
Public Transport Adventures in London