In 2006, the Zero Club Lifetime Chairman and a fellow Zero Club member visited Amsterdam. Here is a record of their visit to the infamous Red Light District, in the Chairman’s own words:

It was about 10 PM on a Saturday night as we headed south from Centraal Station and followed a busy and narrow pedestrianised road. There were lots of cafes and restaurants, but no sign of anything too seedy. Suddenly, we caught a glimpse of the Oudekirk (Old Church) and before we knew it, we were in Oudezijds Achterburgwal, the main thoroughfare through the Red Light District. This is basically a canal with a pedestrianised road on either side. Some of the side roads are also of interest.

The atmosphere was not remotely threatening. Adults of all ages were taking a leisurely stroll and ‘admiring the view’. Many couples were to be seen, it was almost like going to the shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon, minus the kids of course.

One annoyed prostitute threw a projectile at a passer-by for having the cheek to take a photo of her. We observed the whole area (and the ladies that worked there) in comprehensive detail before reaching our intended destination, the infamous Banana Bar on Oudezijds Achterburgwal.

The entry fee was 45 euros. This gives you the right to remain there for 1 hour (it is 50 euro per hour for each hour thereafter) and as many free drinks as you can handle.

There were three ‘barmaids’ there, two white and one half-cast. They were not particularly great looking, but as they were completely naked it did not seem to matter. On entering the Bar you are given a glass, which you give to the barmaids to refill as and when you are ready. The choice of drinks seemed limited, but as long as you like Heineken you will be fine.

The barmaids are standing on a sofa behind the bar that is at the same level as the top of the bar. Therefore if you are sitting on a stall by the bar, your eyes are level with an area somewhere between the woman’s feet and knees. Tilt your face upwards and you can see a hell of a lot more!

The music was reasonably loud and mostly unmemorable R ‘n B. Any illusions of spending an hour listening to Euro pop were quickly shattered.

The clientele was almost exclusively male and there were a few people from the British Isles on stag parties, plus the obligatory Aussies and Kiwis.

In addition to the 45 euro entrance fee, there is the option to pay an additional 50 euro to the barmaid of your choice. I believe this entitles you to three ‘extras’ from the barmaid. Based on what I saw that night, examples of these extras are detailed below:

The barmaid inserting one end of a banana up her vagina, while the customer eats the banana from the other end! Now you know where the bar got its name…

Giving a breast massage to the barmaid.

Alternatively, the man can elect to lie down on the sofa behind the bar, where the barmaid takes his trousers and shirt off (and thankfully no more) and gives him a good spanking.

The barmaid places the man’s face in her breasts for a really memorable experience.

The man lies down on the sofa and the naked barmaid sits on his face!

The barmaid puts a dog collar and a lead round the man’s neck and gets him to walk on all fours round the establishment in full view of everyone. For extra impact, there are barking noises from the speaker for that ultimate canine experience.

I am sure there are other extras, but they did not take place while I was there, or maybe I was looking the other way!

It was a surreal experience. The barmaids were sticking dildos and bananas up themselves one minute and were serving Heinekens the next.

As the Zero Club Lifetime Chairman, I decided not to go for any extras. Participating in any of the above may lead to instant disqualification from the Zero Club. One wants to be expelled from the Zero Club in a more stylish fashion than this! I have worked long and hard for my Chairman status for me to throw it away this cheaply. In fact, if the Zero Club hardliners had it their way, I would have been expelled from the Club simply for entering the Banana Bar!

In summary, it was very interesting experience. Even the Zero Club Lifetime Chairman did not feel shy and timid. The situation was so contrived and artificial that it was impossible to treat in a sexual context.

Exactly an hour later, they called out our name and it was time to go. The Red Light District was still buzzing, even though it was after midnight. For the record, we passed by again on Sunday afternoon and the area was deserted and very few window ladies were open for business.

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