HEADLINES

• Mother Goose Scandle Revisited - Dish Still Living In Sin With Spoon.
• Union Button Still Unworn.
• Child Discovers “Pull My Finger” Trick - Mother Mortified.

SHOP FIRST TO GO PAPERLESS

WICHITA, KANSAS, August 5 – The 737 Thrust Reverser Shop is Spirit AeroSystems' first paperless shop.

Of course, when the shop first heard about going “paperless”, they didn't expect all the changes they would have to make.

“Computers? No, we never had much of a problem with the computers,” stated machinist Lon Moore. “Most of us have has some trainin' on computers, so we kinda got that down quick. That change was a pretty easy one for us.”

But what the machinist didn't understand that when the company said paperless, they meant paperless.

“Let me tell you, I never expected it. But after I was done with my business, there was nothin' there but a button.” related tool crib attendant Hugh Jass. “I figured it for some kinda fancy dispenser but never did I expect what happened next. I darn near hit my head on the ceilin' from the shock. But now that we've had a chance to get use to it, it's kinda nice. Gives you a tingly clean feeling down below.”

“This will help reduce our overhead as well as help the environment,” reported Spirit spokesman Ivan Oder. “Tissue doesn't grow on trees, you know.”

FITNESS CENTER TO CLOSE

WICHITA, KANSAS, August 10 – Spirit AeroSystems announced that they will no closing the employee fitness center and start subsidizing memberships to the local YMCA.

“Continuing to operate the fitness center does not fit into our long term finacial outlook,” declared Spirit manager Bill Foldes. “As you know, Spirit AeroSystems must now justify all expenditure against profit for our continued existance. Therefore, any expenditure must be critically examined for the company's benefit.”

“We at Spirit are embracing the current trend of a "huskier" individual. Now that we have the employees paying more for insurance, it is much simplier, in the company's view, for the employee to die of heath concerns, like heart attack or choking on a donut, than to pay higher salaries for senior employees with declining productivity.”

“We will also review our current policies on smoking. I mean, why should the company try to tell you how to live your life. And why should we deprive everyone of that rich tobacco smell?”

“Our new motto is Why be healthy, when you can be fat,... and happy?”

EXTREME FAD TOO DANGEROUS?

The newest “extreme” fad for kids today is to pose for pictures with wild stuffed animals. Unfortunately, injuries such as snuggle burn, allergic reactions, and boogie fever has caused stuffed animal activists to call for a ban against such pictures.

The public is being warned to take caution when using the following stuffed animals in pictures: lions, tigers, bears (oh my), wolverines, pythons, wildcats, huskers, and shockers.

WHY SPIRIT?

New company name puzzles all.

WICHITA, KANSAS, August 1 – Spirit AeroSystems (be sure you capitalize the S in systems). OOOOOkay. What genius came up with this little gem?

What first comes to mind when you say Spirit? For most Kansans, you could expect either Holy Spirit or evil spirit. So if a plane with components from ONEX's new company crashes will we be plauged with puns like The plane had parts possessed by an evil spirit? Or if a plane is running well or holds up during a crisis will we say that it is blessed by the Holy Spirit? Did we really want to go there?

If you ask the children, they want to know if the new company is going to switch from making airplanes to raising horses, since we named the company after the movie Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimarron. Parents of those children think that the name better resembles the things the horses leave on the pavement during a parade. Anyone have a scooper handy?

Where is the “techno-sounding” name that makes us sound “cutting-edge”? There are examples of good names everywhere. Take Ingenio. What a great name. Sounds enough like ingenious to give us the connotation that they have genius. Or Verizon. Sound like horizon, as if they are looking at the horizon or to the future.

What other things does the word Spirit name?

The romantic in us hopes that the company is named after The Spirit, a comic book masked detective created in 1940 by Will Eisner, who died January 3, 2005. At its height The Spirit appeared in twenty major market newspapers with a combined circulation of 5 million readers each Sunday. While comic books and “aerosystems” have nothing in common, it will take a detective to find all the answers that Spirit needs now.

Maybe they wanted to connect with Lindburg's Spirit of St. Louis and the star logo representing the stars that Lindburg used to guide him across the ocean

Maybe they wanted to connect with the Spirit of '76 but the logo shows no patriotic tendancies, like the colors red, white, and blue.

Or maybe some ad agency took ONEX's money and ran. Whatever the reason, Wichita is stuck with Spirit now. So when will the City Council start the Glee Club?

Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimarron TM and © 2002 DreamWorks LLC

THE SPIRIT is ™ and © 2001-2005 Will Eisner.

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