Hello, all you slumfolks, and welcome to another edition of Zell's Random Rantings! You know they're random, because the last time I updated this page was almost a year ago! This rant we have an extra special disclaimer for you all: If you are easily offended (in which case you probably shouldn't be on this page at all if you read the above warning), can't take a joke, or are opposed to stereotype jokes with the very fiber of your being, you should turn back right about...now. While this rant does not contain any racial slurs, it does play on many typical stereotypes that you may or may not be offended by. Please, this is your last warning, if you are easily offended, turn back now. If you read something on this page that you do not like, it is fully your fault, so you can't sue me.

With that aside, let's start the rant! You ever wonder about why Bill Nye the Science Guy is a middle-aged white man? I mean, besides the fact that 75.6305% of the American population is made up of this person-type, thus making him a familiar and therefore friendly face for science, why him? Couldn't this be considered racist? Couldn't this be cause for a political upheaval of PBS as we know it? Well, I thought you might say so, so I considered what else he could (or rather, could not) be.

First, let's look at the issue of ethnicity. He couldn't be Asian. Nope, because then they would have to change the name to "Bill Chan the Science Man." Science Man? If I might say so myself, that name is in-CREDIBLY lame. Couldn't be Hispanic either. His name would have to be "Bill Escavedo the Science Amigo." And while Science Amigo is nowhere near as lame as Science Man, how on Earth would they fit all those syllables into the theme song? Maybe he could be a black man. MAYBE. I mean, you probably wouldn't have to change the name so it might...no, no I'm sorry, actually that's completely false. The kids would turn on the TV, see the guy, and think it's a show about basketball. Besides, who ever heard of a black guy named "Bill"? Jay, sure. Tom, maybe. Bill? Nu-uh.

Now, let's talk about gender. It couldn't be a woman of any nationality because her name would end up being "Jill Cal the Science Gal," which is almost as lame as "Bill Chan." Well, maybe it could be "Jill Hick the Science Chick," but all the surnames ending in the syllable "ick" are either extremely derogative or just sound downright silly. Besides, if it were a woman, the makers of the show would have to decide between making her really pretty or really ugly. With feminist women's societies running rampant, this is a lose-lose situation for them. Can't make her ugly, because that would imply that only ugly women can be smart. Can't make her pretty, because then that would imply that they're using her looks to sell the idea of science to teen-age boys.

On to the age issue! Of course it would have to be a middle-aged guy. He's America's father-figure. But aside from that, he's really the only logical choice. He couldnt' be young. Everybody knows that young people are inherently stupid and therefore cannot possibly "know" all this science stuff. (For the record, the real Bill Nye doesn't know his stuff all that well either, PBS just likes to look like it knows something.) Or if he does know his stuff at such a tender young age, he'd have to be way too geeky to go on national television. Now, you wouldn't want an old guy either, for obvious reasons. You know these senile professor scientist types. He'd either be completely insane, too dull for kids with the attention span of a gnat to sit and watch, or he'd randomly burst out with "DUCK AND COVER!!" in a brain-scarring 'Nam flashback.

So, does this answer all your heathenous and un-intellectual questions about the Sci-Guy? Or will I be receiving calls from the local board of political correctness? Either way, slumgoers, I do hope you rather enjoyed yourselves. And if you happen to be thoroughly offended, you can't sue me because all I have is my styrofoam cup and moldy card-board box. Good luck finding my address, suckers!! End transmission.