Heya everybody! Prepare yourself for another classic rant by……Me! Today’s topic: the Dentist. I know all of you have gone to the dentist’s office at least once in your life, even though the last time you remember going is five or so years ago. I myself am actually guilty of this, sorta. See, here’s the thing, I just recently went to the dentist’s office, but the last time I’d gone was when I was like nine years old. So I went in for a checkup and a teeth cleaning. I knew it was gonna be bad, but I surely didn’t expect what happened.
      Here’s the story: I went in and the dentist said that since it was my first time at their clinic I had to have some x-rays done of my teeth. Ok, fine I said, I’ve done it before so it can’t be SO bad. See, when you do x-rays of your teeth, they stick this plastic tab thing in your mouth and then put this x-ray machine thing right up next to your jaw and it takes a picture of your teeth. Well, ends up they had to take twenty sets of x-rays. It could have been worse though, I mean, at least they had these mounts that you could bite down on to keep the x-ray tabs in place. Yea yea, I know this doesn’t sound very ranty right now, but trust me, this is crucial.
      After the x-rays, the dentist proceeded to clean my teeth. After the chair went back and the bib thing was put on me, I was thinking, ok, this probably won’t be as bad as everybody makes it out to be. I lean back and relax, mouth ajar for the dentist to star working on my teeth. I can hear your voices now: “poor, poor, stupid fool.” Ehh, if only you could have been there for moral support. The dentist puts down that gods-forsaken light. Thanks Dr. Quack, you coulda at LEAST made it so the damn thing doesn’t shine in my eyes. *hisses* For about two minutes the cleaning goes okay. The little metal pokey probey thingies are kinda stickin in here and there, but it’s tolerable. Then the dentist asks if I floss every day. Great goin, moron, you think I can answer with my mouth full of hands and picks?? Idiot. He takes my non-answer for a no and all of a sudden the small probes turn into stabs and slashes at my poor gums. “You don’t floss every day, huh?? TAKE THIS, YOU HEATHEN!” and he proceeds to brutally mutilating the inside of my mouth. Jesus H. Christ, dude, chill out! “See?? You don’t floss, so that means you have inflamed gums! LOOK! They’re bleeeeeeding!” Sure, dumbass, after you’ve used the inside of my mouth for you granny’s pincushion. “Have you ever notices any bleeeeeding in your gums while you brush your teeth?! Well, HAVE you? You vile detestable NON-FLOSSER!!” No, but I sure as hell will now that there’s a gaping gash where you’ve had a sword-fight with my teeth. I can taste my blood on my tongue. I’m thinking, ok, everybody bleeds when they get their teeth cleaned. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about. WRONG-O! As the dentist changes implements of torture, I can actually SEE my own blood on his gloves. Something tells me that is NOT a good thing. Finally, he puts the picks away. I think maybe the torture is done so I can stop my white-knuckled grip on my jeans. Tch, yea right, as if the gods would really show me mercy. He grabs the lamp and shoves it in my face. “YOU THINK YOU’RE GOIN SOMEWHERE, PUNK?? STAY RIGHT THERE!” *evil laugh* “I’m gonna show you how to floss” *lightning cracks above and the Frankenstein theme plays in the background* He takes out some diabolical looking metal box and pulls out a long piece of floss and wraps it around his fingers ominously. I’m edging away from the guy, but he shoves his rubber-gloved hands in my mouth and forces floss between my teeth. More blood, more pain, more battles to hold in little-girl shrieks. I can’t honestly say what happened after that ‘cause I blacked out either from the pain of loss of blood. Or both.
      When I came to, the dentist was saying he was gonna use some polish or whatever on my teeth. This was probably the only non-painful part of the day. After he was done, the assistant came in and had a little conversation with the dentist. You remember what I said earlier about the x-rays being a crucial part here? Well guess what! Turns out that the developing machine jammed, so only five of the TWENTY x-rays I took came out and they had to redo the other fifteen. Apparently they were using those mount things on some other poor damned soul ‘cause instead the dentist used these OLD tab things that you insert into your mouth and bite down on. For most normal people this would be at the worst extremely discomforting. But noooooot for me! You see, the tabs were too big for my mouth and had VERY sharp edges. Thus, when they were rudely shoved into my mouth, they stuck into each and every soft area inside of it. Just getting them in there is bad enough, but then I had to bite down on them. Ow, ow, fucking ow. You know that soft part in your mouth right under you tongue? Yea, I no longer have that, ‘cause now it’s just a huge shit-eating scar. Then after we were done with just using the tabs, he switched to tabs AND this plastic mount thing that looked to be at least twenty some odd years old. Guess what THESE were used for! Give up? These were used to shove the tabs to the farthest possible back of my mouth to the point where I thought if he didn’t stop I’d end up vomiting all over his pretty white smock. Bastard. Well I’m sure everybody knows that ALL dentists love to see their patients writhe in pain in the dentist chairs of doom, but it takes a special kind of sadistic fuck to actually EMPLOY their own victims to aid them in their own torture. After the stupid dentist shoved the mounted tabs to the back of my esophagus, he said “here, hold this here while I go for a coffee break. Don’t move it now! I might eventually get around to taking the x-ray.”
      So yea, he did that about five times until finally, when I though I would crush the arms of the dentist chair with my woman-in-contractions death grip, they finally said “ok we’re done! Hope you enjoyed your stay in Hell, recommend us, will ya?” Sure, you sick jackasses. After I came out they gave me a roll of floss and a red toothbrush. They undoubtedly gave me red so it’d be harder to tell just how much I was bleeding when I brushed my teeth when I get home. Then my stupid dad asks, “So how was it? You okay?” I’m fine, dad, except for, you know, the blind searing pain that nullifies sound and even light. Other than the massive blood-loss and emotional trauma, it’s a ho-dideley day! I swear, if ANY dentist ever sticks their rubber-gloved hands in my mouth again I’ll bite those motherfuckers off they won’t even know what hit them. You all upset that I didn’t get all screamey-hissy this time? I’m sorry, perhaps if I weren’t a newfound victim of acute anemia due to loss of blood and consumption of oral polish, I’d be able to work up some sort of emotion. Well I can’t. Thanks for your time folks, and remember, flossing MIGHT help you get some brownie points with them dentists, but I can only recommend turning in the opposite direction and running like hell for your dear pathetic life.