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12/02/02 Why I'm Glad We Nuked Japan S’up everybody, and welcome to the first edition of “Zell’s Random Rantings.” If you couldn’t tell by the title, today I shall be ranting about Japan, and how they always – and I mean ALWAYS – get all the cool stuff and leave us Americans in the dust wishing beyond hope that we will get a little piece of the pie. But seriously folks, don’t try to deny it. I know you all see it! Oh, and don’t give me any of that “Well, Japan made it, so naturally they deserve to get more stuff than we do.” BALOGNA!! The main concern of this particular rant is that Square released Kingdom Hearts: Final Mix: Platinum Edition in Japan with all these cool little knick-knacks, and we’re left in the dust. Faugh!! So you say, “Well the original Japanese version of Kingdom Hearts had close to nothing.” So the hell what?! The American version had almost no extras in comparison to Final Mix: Platinum Edition. Let’s see what we had: Sephiroth, Ice Titan, Expert Mode, and a few more scenes with voice acting. Don’t get me wrong, it was pretty nice of them. Now, let’s consider what FM: PE got. A new battle scene between Cloud and Sephiroth, five new bosses, more flash-back cut-scenes with Sora and Riku, a COMPLETELY NEW character named Shadow or something like that, and uber new trinkets and items and side quests. It’s freakin’ Kingdom Hearts: 1.5!! Jesus H. Christ, stop torturing us already! And maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter if that were ALL it came with. But nnoooo, they had to kick us while we were down!! KH: FM: PE also comes with a 7 card-set of completely new Kingdom Hearts art, including that nifty “Venture” picture and that one drawing of Sora with his hood up. But wait! That’s not all! Platinum Edition also came with three black and silver pins, one reading “Kingdom Hearts,” another reading “Final Mix,” and the third reading “Sora,” in playa font. The Platinum Edition came with what I can only assume is a sticker sheet as well, with character stickers and Final Mix paraphernalia. By now I’m assuming you are either foaming at the mouth with blind rage or weeping uncontrollably with your arms wrapped around your sides. Hold on to your boxers, there’s still one major biggie left. The game ALSO came with a limited-edition Sora figurine. It’s not the Coca-Cola bottle cap figurine, or the official Series 1 figurine that comes in the two-set of Sora and Jack Skellington. Nnnnoooo sir, it’s an all new figurine made specifically for Kingdom Hearts: Final Mix: Platinum Edition. Okay, now you may commence with the blind destruction and undignified sobbing. Alright, you’ve read my reason for ranting, and you’ve read the proof to go along with it. Do you still hate me? Are you still saying that since Squaresoft made the game, and that since they are a Japanese company that Japan DESERVES all these goodies? Well fine! That just means that in my unstoppable plight to take over the world, you will be among the FIRST to die a slow painful horrible DEATH!!! I don’t fuggin CARE if Squaresoft is a Japanese company, the fact is they are a GAMING company and therefore OWE it to gamers all across the world to release Final Mix: Platinum Edition here, and while I’m at it, in Europe as well!!! Gamers all around this water-covered ball we call Earth are starving to death, begging of the big corporate game-gurus to give us a little lovin, man! Japanese company or no, they’re main priority is to us gamers, not those spoiled little Japanese BRATS that get all these pretty little goodies, and half of them don’t even know what the hell “Kingdom Hearts” is! My friend in Japan didn’t even know such a thing as Kingdom Hearts existed until I told her about it! Tch, personally I am offended. Japan gets a metaphorical cornucopia of gaming stuff, with 40% of the ungrateful louts not even knowing what the hell they have under their upturned noses! We Americans and Europeans are like the peasant class. I say we revolt! Demand of the pompous nobility the lavish luxuries they award themselves! Anarchy!! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! Or, something like that. ANYway, point is, we need to do something! Ask not what your gamership can do for you, but what you can do for your gamership! JUSTICE!! POW!!! |