|
Old Jokes |
||
|
(7-20-03) What is Red and Green: What is red and
green and goes 100 miles an hour? (7-20-03) Which Lawyer Better? A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge. (7-18-03) Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List: December
1: (7-18-03) A Blonde Goes To The Library: (sorry it is blonde, but it is still funny. I hope I don't offend anyone) Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!" (7-16-03) A man and a woman are driving... A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ” The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road. If only men would listen. (7-16-03) How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? “Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.” (7-16-03) Nice To Know: A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!" (7-16-03) A Wrinkle In Time: A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?" "Yes," the grandpa replied. "Did God make you too?" "Yes," the grandpa said. "Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!" (7-12-03) 5 Presidents on a plane: Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane. Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane. Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane. Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane. (7-12-03) The Dumb Friend (Puzzle Stupid): A
guy walks into his friend’s house and saw his friend running and
jumping around with excitement. "What's
the matter, bob?” The friend asked "Nothing
at all! I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Bob
explained. "How
long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!" (7-9-03) The Other Side: Once
upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side
of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One
fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfast of
berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. ''Hey! Hey, Teddy,
get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!'' ''Not now! I'm
eating.'' ''Oh come on!'' said
the rabbit. ''It's really important.'' ''No way.'' ''Please. It's
urgent.'' So the bear decided
to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night
to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally
got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. ''Well, rabbit,'' he
panted. ''What did you want to tell me?'' ''Hey, Teddy,'' the rabbit began, ''look how many berries are on the other side of the river.''
(4-29-03) Teacher And Student: Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a peace of cake. (4-29-03) A Blind Man And His Dog: A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken back and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around." (4-29-03) A Childs View Of Retirement: After
a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holidays. One small boy wrote the following: We always
used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a
big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they
live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin
boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags
because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a
wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right
now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a
swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I
guess they don't know how to swim. As you go
into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He
watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can
sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars. My Grandma
used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they
just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the
people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma
and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot
luck." My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out. (4-29-03) Teacher And Her Students: Did you here about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't keep control of her pupils. (4-29-03) 32 Women: What
do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room?
|
This website was made by ZSR (About Us) All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2003. If you have questions or comments please e-mail us at: Zachor@aol.com