BUMPER STICKERS Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. We're staying together for the sake of the cats. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. My karma ran over your dogma. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an abandoned vehicle. I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you. If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. Life's too short to dance with ugly women. My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. I is a university student. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Eschew obfuscation. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Is there life before coffee? Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. I Cayman went. My other wife is beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. Nuke the unborn baby gay whales for Christ. Geez if you love Honkus. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. There is one in every crowd, and they always find me. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats. If it's too loud, you're too old. Wink, I'll do the rest. The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. An Indian brave came up to his chief. "Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give." "Mmmmm. When your cousin was born...I look across and see deer leaping in field. I name her `DearLeapingInField'. When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying over. I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this, TWODOGSFUCKING." I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she would have to make cutbacks... Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the gardener. This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it", the doctor asks? "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day" replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive" says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day" says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand". "I do", says the man. "Twice a day". There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman. All guys were discussing their cars etc. The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it purrs like a cat." The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it slices the air while it drives." Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris" The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !" A guy walks into a pub with a pig under his arm, and this pig has a wooden leg. The guy orders a beer for himself, and a dish of water for the pig. The barman says "No worries mate. Tell me, how did your pig there get a wooden leg?" The guy replies, "Look mate, this is a bloody fantastic pig. One day I was driving home late at night when I fell asleep crashed the car. The pig jumped out of the back, set my broken leg, found me water, and kept me warm until help arrived. Bloody fantastic pig this." And the barman says, "Thats a pretty impressive pig all right, but you haven't told me how it got its wooden leg." So the guy says, "Listen to this mate. A few weeks ago I was going to America for a business trip. Well some idiot opened the plane door and I was sucked out. I thought that was the end for me, but far above me I saw the pig jump out of the plane. It swam through the air to me, strapped on a parachute, landed me in the sea, blew up a rubber raft, paddled to shore, hailed a taxi, and got me to my meeting with an hour to spare!" And the barman says, "Wow! That sure is some pig you have there, but you still haven't told me how it got its wooden leg." So the guy says, "Listen mate, if you had a pig this good, would you eat it all at once?" This guy had a costume party one night. The theme was to dress up as an emotion. On the night... To a woman dressed all in red... "Your dressed as... Anger, your emotion is anger." A man painted completely in yellow. "Your dressed as...Coward...Fear, your dressed as fear." Then a Jamacan friend, from work, turns up. He is as naked as the day he was born except for a custard pie placed over his crutch. "Dexter...Your dressed as... as...Shit mate, what are you dressed as?" "I'm f**king dis custard, mon." (disgusted) Q. How do Irich men get their wives pregnant ??? A. And you thought the Irish were dumb !! Q. WHY DO TAMPONS HAVE STRINGS?? A. SO CRABS CAN GO BUNGEE JUMPING!! Q: What noise does a turkey make in space? A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble! Q: Why did the Hubble cross the road? A: To take photos of the chicken. Q: How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to unscrew it, and another to install a correcting lens. A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner (who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on... Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white boy bossman, whyha do this bossman? Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do, it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens. Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife... Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black one, it happens... Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the sheep... There was an Australian, American and Irish astronaut all bragging to each other about what achievment they would to do in their careers The Australian says " I want to be the first Australian to land on the moon" The American says " I want to be the first Human being to land on Mars! " The Irish astronaut says " I want to be the first human being to land on the Sun !" The American and Australian shake their heads and exclaim to the irishman "You can't land on the sun it's to hot you'll burn up ! " The Irishman says " Well I'll go at night then ! " Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A PREGNANT AUSTRALIAN? A. A DOPE CARRIER. An Australian woman's car was involved in a motor accident. A policeman asked what gear she was in. "Can't you see for yourself? I'm wearing a floral dress with brown shoes and a matching handbag." An Australian woman's car was stalled at the traffic lights. After a while a policeman approached her and asked: "Red, amber, green, don't any of the colors suit you?" An Australian farmer was bragging in the pub that he could get in his Holden in the morning and drive all day without reaching the boundary of his farm. A New Zealander who could not help hearing the remark replied: "Interesting mate. We've got cars like that in New Zealand too" Q: How do you sink an Australian Submarine? A: Knock on the hatch! A notice in an Australian police station: "Help the Police -- Beat yourself up." When will the the Australian police force become sucessful? When it catches more criminals than it employs. Whats the definition of an australian in a 3 piece suit? The defendant. Q: Hear about the Australian String Quartet that is visting New Zealand at the moment? A: There are six members. Q: Why did the first koala fall out of the tree? A: It was dead! Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A: The first one hit it on the way down. Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A: It thought suicide was in so it jumped! Q: Why do platypuses (those fury things that live in the water) have flat beaks? A: Koalas keep falling on them! Subject: Ag Science students. There were these 3 Ag Science students driving along this old farm road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked on the farmers door. The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"? The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try". About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about his business. About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm, knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time? Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk? Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my milkweeds". Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused, but just a little less skeptical. It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows. Needless to say the farmer went with them. What do all the female deer do when the male deer are off with Santa Claus? Go into town and blow a few bucks! ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking. -- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85 THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS: Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat T.A.F.E C O U R S E S A U T U M N S E M E S T E R E V E N I N G C L A S S E S F O R A D U L T S SOCIAL SCIENCE DIVISION - Creative Suffering - Overcoming Peace of Mind - You and your Birthmark - Guilt Without Sex - The Primel Shrug - Ego Gratification Through Violence - Moulding Your Child's Behaviour Through Guilt and Fear - Dealing with Post Self-Realization Depression - Whine your Way to Alienation - How to Overcome Self-Doubt through Pretence and Ostentation BUSINESS AND ADMINISTRATION DIVISION - Money Can Make You Rich - Talking Good : How You Can Improve Speech and Get a Better Job - "I Made $100.00 in Real Estate" - Packaging and Selling Your Child (Parents Guide to the Slave Market) - How to Profit from Your Own Body - Career Opportunities in Iraq - Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities - Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers - Tax Shelters fot the Indigent - Looter's Guide to America's Cities HOME ECONOMICS DIVISION - How you can Convert Your Family Room into a Garage - How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refrigerator - Burglarproof Your Home with Concrete - Basic Kitchen Taxidermy - Sinus Drainage at Home - 101 Other Uses for your Vacuum Cleaner - The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity - What to do with Your Conversation Pit - How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy - Christianity and the Art of TV maintenance LIFE, HEALTH AND FITNESS DIVISION - Creative Tooth Decay - Exercises and Acne - The Joys of Hypochondria - High Fiber Sex - Suicide and Your Health - Biofeedback and How to Stop - Skate Your Way to Regularity - Understanding Nudity - Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule - Optional Body Functions FINE ARTS DIVISION - Self Actualisation through Macrame - Needlecraft for Junkies - Cuticle Craft - Gifts for the Senile - Bonsai Your Pet - Creative Writing with Sticks - Body Painting for the Elderly - 100 Ways to Wok Your Dog - Belly Dancing for the Obese Two words you don't want to hear in the men's room: "Nice dick" Three words you don't want to hear during sex: "Honey, I'm home" TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120. Dear ___________, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you. We send greetings and sympathy for your lady. Sincerely, Burly Dick, President TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC. P.S. Remember our slogans: Cover your stump before you hump! Don't be silly, protect your willie! Never deck her with an unwrapped packer! Before you attack her, wrap your whacker! If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it! A Tiskit, a taskit, a condom or a casket! "The Hole In The Bed" by Mr. Completely "Safety On The Rifle Range" by Miss Fyre "Holes In The Toilet" by I. P. Stones "Yellow River" by I. P. Freeley "Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly "In The Bushes" by I. P. Dailey "How The Homos Came To Be" by Ben Dover "The Bear Got Me" by Claude Bawls "Under The Grandstand" by I. Seymour Butz "Spots On The Wall" by Pickett & Flickett "I Dare You" by Hugo Furst "Tragedy On The Cliff" by Eileen Dover "Elephant's Dong" by Miles Long "How To Upkeep Your Yard" by Lon Moore "Running Milk" by I. Suckatit "Open Komono" by C. Moore Hayers "Tracks In The Sand" by Peter Dragon "The Bride's Big Surprise" by E. Norma Speeder "Shorter Miniskirts" by Seymour Hiney "Race To The Outhouse" by Willie Maykit Illustrated by Betty Doant, foreward by Betty Woant "Bloody Saddles" by Ontha Ragg "Stained Ceilings" by I.B. Yakinov, foreward by Jack Knauf "The Joy Of Self-Abuse" by Dick Pullar, foreward by Jack Goff "The Art Of The Strip Tease" by Oliver Klosoff "Sex In The Vatican" by Ho Lee Fuk "French Athletes" by Jacques Strappe "Lying To Your Lover" by Faye King "Why I Like Chevys" by Iona Ford "Genital Grooming" by Harry Dix "Women In Jazz" by Bertha D. Blooz "Father Gets Even" by Amanda B. Reckinwith "Loving Two Women At The Same Time" by W. Pleasure and W. Funn "Tax-free Withdrawals" by Robin Banks "Gay Fashion" by Leo Tard "Unbelievable" by Frank Lee Stund "Venereal Disease Symptoms" by Dick Boyles "Why I Became A Woman" by Mike Hunt "That Loveable Lush" by Al Koholik "Pile In The Desert" by Squatten Lee Vitt "Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp "How To Leave Early" by Ken I. Gonow "How To Make More Room In A Bed" by Sly Dover "Chinese Vulgarities" by Phuck Yoo "Programming With Oriental Computers" by C. P. Yoo "Down The Flag Pole" by Dick Burns "Highrise Ups and Downs" by L. E. Vader "Chinese Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun "How I Betrayed You, My Buddy" by Scrooge Orwyfe "Puppet Masters And Their Secrets" by Hal D. Doody "How Not To Act Around The Physically Impaired" by Ken U. Wock "How to Lose Weight" by Yudo Neet "Runner's High" by Ira N. Minnymiles "Shaving Your Entire Body" by Harry Oliver "Experimenting With Drugs" by Ike N. Fly "How To Make Yourself Blind" by Harry Pawms, foreward by B. Churmeet "Child Psychology" by I. B. Goode "The Ruined Sheets" by C. Menstains "The Bulimic's Guide" by Thoreau Upp "Life On Other Planets" by Edie Foanhoam "Urinary Tract Infections" by I. Pease Eldom "Blood On The Hurdles" by I. Hung Lo "Winter Driving Tips" by I. C. Rhodes "Home Canning" by Sal Minella "Is It In Yet?" by Izzy Honor "Finishing Your Own Furniture" by Lynne C. Doyle "How To Be A Nursemaid At Home" by Karen Feeding "Hawaiian Orgy" by Cummoniwannalayya "The Best Erogenous Zones" by Val Gyna "Circumcision" by Dick Hertz "The Pregnant Nun" by Pastor Period "How I Got High" by Iona Shringe "So You've Testified Against The Mafia, Now What?" by Yurin Trubble "How To Hang Drapes" by Kurt N. Rod "Artificial People" by Frank N. Stein "Here I Come!" by R. U. Reddy "Productive Complaining" by Belle E. Akin "Don't Do It" by Yul B. Sawry "How Not To Handle Stress" by Sue E. Syde "Little Women" by Barbie Dahl "Throwing Money Away" by Phil T. Rich "Play It Safe" by Justin Case "The Marlena Dietrich Story" by Ivana Beale Owen