| I'll let Nige intronduce this...... "Here's the original Vids drama written by me, which was deemed entirely unfilmable given the budgetary constraints involved in making the show. Written a year ago, i can now see the truth in that. Although the ideas are still full of righteous spunk and i'm mailing it to you because it's just SO 'stream of arse obsessed consciousness... Here it is.." |
| The guys rematerialize in a city thatıs playing host to a film convention and The two guest speakers are both famous film directors, one is Steven Speilberg-esque and makes films that have a strong family values message and a made by committeeı feel good factor the other is called Eye Twitchy (Guy Richie) and he makes dark edgy violent films about British sub cultural icons like the Kray twins. His last film, titled 'You Want Some' had most of the country running around copying itıs famous catchphrase, "If this coat comes off my back Iıll spank you arse til your nose bleeds". These two diametrically opposed directors are soon to have a presidential style head-to-head debate on the merits of their differing methods Using a hidden camera the guys surreptitiously film both directors, It transpires that the family values Spielbergian bloke likes to get pissed over in the bath (Nothing wrong with that, light precipitation of micturation) BUT Eye Twitchy hides a darker secret underneath the laddish Levi jacket wearing Loaded football fan front lurks a happy clappy acoustic guitar playing Blairite Christian (Think David Essex in Godspell) They unmask him and lo! He turns out to be Admiral Ribcage Head and he does a runner with the guys in hot pursuit. The guys pursue him to a remote Scottish town called Spume Port populated by inbred weirdoes (Whicker man) acting on a hunch that the Admiral is holed up with the Laird of the areas a shadowy Crowleyesque fop who thinks he's Byron or some Goth romantic Vampire but is just a sharpened toothed flop haired foppish Laurence Llewelyn Bowen, Wandering lonely as a fuck. The Laird has a horse for a security guard (Very Caligula) and leads the guys on a merry dance through the ancestral home which is full of secret passageways and nymphs in diaphanous dresses Heıs attempting to summon the devil. He says that the greatest trick the devil pulled off was in convincing us that he didnıt existfop does a little faggy incantation and in a puff of smoke the Devil turns up. The Devil tells the guys that theyıre fucked because they havenıt caught Admiral Ribcage Head The guys say thatıs bollocks because the greatest trick the Christian Church pulled off was in convincing us there was a devil in the first fucking place, Nigel proves the point by showing us how the horned (and horny) God Pan was subverted into Old Nick himself by powercrazed God botherers. The physical manifestation of any god is directly proportionate to the amount of mortal belief in him; in short the more people who actually think a god exists create him...They will a god into being. Nigel gets everyone to believe in Pan and the devil morphs into the horny god of partying Pan. Pan/The Devil remembers what it was like before the bloody Christians came and spoiled things in the Garden of Earthly Delights. The guys expose the laird as the cover for Admiral RibCage Head they have a bit of a scrap and the Admiral does a runner everyone has a crazed Bacchanalian orgy of excess Catholic guilt. What's that. Ha Ha Ha The guys get pissed as fuck on one hundred year old Claret, pass out and experience curious sensory distortions and wake up in a dank cellar with a mutated half man half pig genetically bred by the laird to sniff for truffles. He tells them the lairds Bernard Matthew's style plans for genetically enhanced. Oven Shaped Meat produce chickens with square bodies and tiny marble sized heads that fit exactly into your microwave. Truffle man sniffs out an escape and the guys go to the police for help. The old bill are mixed up in illegal foreign sewage importation a local protest singer sings a song of woe for Spume Port. "Come to Spume Port, but donıt swim in the sea near the sewage outflow pipe it's one part per thousand faecal matter. Come to spume Port but donıt go out after six oıclock as youıll get stabbed up by marauding LTU's (Long Term Unemployed)." The boys see a clear problem with rural life and lack of employment opportunities leading to spontaneous acts of violence. They commandeer a boat bringing in Greek shit and make a human effigy out of itand contact the press to blow the Lairds and the corrupt cops cover wide open. Lets show them what's really going on in these so called beauty spots. A scientist who happens to be passing by tells them that the methane that the huge Shitman exudes is enough to power the whole towns energy and they can export the new energy source to other towns.., viola! They solve their unemployment problem, have willed Pan into being, nullified the devil, and averted an environmental catastrophe of Chernobyl (but with shit) proportions. But what of Admiral ribcage Head. Ah, that's another story. (He's inside Shitman. Theyıll never think of looking for me in here.) Ends in a crazed party around the Maypole (Made of Spam) with the guys, Pan, The TrufflePigMan and the Long Term Unemployed shovelling spades of shit over the prostrate captured cops..Oh, and lets not forget The Scientist the Shitman and loads of oven shaped chickens with tiny marble sized heads. (Jesus Christ!) (Internal monologue of person who has just read this) |
| SPUME PORT The guys are taken to Hell by Death whereupon Satan with his hot poker brands them, but the guys like this as it means they can get off with Angelina Jolie. Nigel drives the Devil mad with his inane bird impressions and eventually Satan banishes them from hell, as they are such a pain in the arse. He tells them that they can win back their mortality if they discover where Admiral Ribcage Head is she's a naughty demon who did a runner from the devil and is playing around on earth She is called Ribcage Head because he uses the ribcages of small animals as a frame onto which he grafts skin to simulate a face. She looks a little bit freakish. |
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