A Little Boy's Answers to the Questions
by
Michael Walker
16 Nov 1999
The thing I care about most is reading
-- because when I read it’s like
everybody is trapped on the other side of an invisible wall and can’t
touch me.
Sometimes when I read a good book, like one of the Hardy
boys mysteries, I forget about time and stuff and I feel like I’m with
them, with Frank or Joe, or maybe I even AM Frank or Joe. That is SO
COOL because if I’m Frank or Joe then I can really be with one of them,
because the other one would be my brother and I would love to have either
one of
them as my brother.
My real brother, in real life, hates me because
I think he thinks that my mom doesn’t really like him as much as she
likes me. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense but if I
doesn’t make sense to you that way TOO bad because it is a thought that
runs through my head like a rat leaving rat turds where ever it goes.
And the turds are small but everywhere and when you look back the
whole carpet seems littered with them because you can’t think of
anything else and you don’t want to think about any thing else.
But
I wish my brother would love me because I think I have a crush on
him the way I have a crush on the Hardy Boys, who when I read them I
can almost feel what it would be like to be standing there next to
one of them, embroiled in mystery and action and adventure, and to
smell one of them and accidentally brush up against one of them,
like a brother.
And people would not be able to make fun of me for
thinking these things or for even doing them because I would be behind
that same invisible wall that is there when I am reading a book.
I know I am good at making mommy feel bad.
Whenever I want to I can
give her this special look I learned how to make and it sends scary
stuff up her spine. My mommy wants me to like her an awful lot and
there are times that I can let her know tha t I really don’t like her
all that much just by the way I look at here or by the way I sit down
and be quiet. I learned how to do this look from mommy and Idon’t
even think she knows it.
If I had to write my own eulogy, I’d say
that this was a little boy
who always tried to make his mommy and daddy proud of him, even when
there were times when it seemed like no matter how hard he tried, he
failed. But then I would be a little truthful, too, and say that the
boy knew deep down inside that they were proud but that they just
didn’t show it enough and this made him angry and that he wanted to
cry then. I would say that he is now in heaven where he belongs, with
Jesus and the Angels and God too.
When I look at myself in the mirror each
morning I make believe that
I am like my mom and wish I had a drink. I imagine what it would be
like to really want to feel the whisky on my lips. Other times I
would make believe I have TB and look at myself sideways and imagine
that I am very, very thin and about to die. People want to try to
help me but I am a goner and there is nothing they can do to help.
I also imagine that my daddy is there and that he loves my mommy and
me and that he did not leave.
I feel incompetent when I go to the
bathroom and come out and mommy
has to zip me up or tuck my shirt in right, rolling her eyes in her
head and making “tsk tsk” sounds.
People admire me for the way I look like my
parents which is funny
and stupid because they are not my real parents. People are so stupid
sometimes.
A few events from my childhood that shaped
who I am today are:
1. Waking up in the hospital after having
my tonsils removed. It
was dark and I was screaming because the girl in the next bed had
stolen my glass of water.
2. The night President Kennedy was killed
and the newspapers all
had special editions.
3. Getting attacked by bullies in the
schoolyard and my friend
Johnny telling me to run while he fought them off for me.
4. When my foster sisters came to live with
us.
5. Mrs. Foster catching me picking my nose
in the fourth grade
and having a disgusted look on her face.
-- 30 --Back to
writings contents
Copyright © 1999 by Michael Walker
Michael Walker is a freelance writer in Washington, DC. He is also the founder
and proprietor of
DREAMWalker Group.
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