Fairness

May 21, 2000

To all of you out there these are my thoughts, it's how I feel about what people do.  In the last month or so people have been mean and cruel to me.  They did not say mean things to me or talk behind my back.  They just chose not to respect me as a human.  If you say you have plans with someone and you don't show, then really what kind of message are you sending to the person.  You are not good enough to be  seen with  me.  If you say you are going to call and leave a message when it is important that the other person know what you are doing.  Then you don't it just means you can't respect the person enough to be worth 30 seconds of your life.  Why can't you just be fair and honest to the person.  It is only reasonable I want to be treated with respect and dignity and why you don't call or leave a message when you say you will it just means I don't care.  The same can be said for when you have plans then you forget.  I understand occasionally people will forget. Although if you really care about someone and you want them to be your friend then try your hardest not to forget because life here on this planet is a precious thing and should not be wasted by inconsiderate people. There are a lot of ways to hurt people I think the most painful of them all is when you lie to them.  If you don't want to see someone don't say you are busy and then when they see you go oops.  It isn't fair everyone needs the same dignity.  Why should you treat me like  I am nothing just because it makes things easier for you.  Life will never be easy but when you hurt lie and deceive people nothing will sting more.  If someone is worth your time to talk to then at least be honest to them.  Why cause more pain in the world isn't there enough.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Jan 3, 2001

You know when you just look at life and go lets not do anything can't I just lay here and wait too die days I just had one of those.  It started out with going out with a friend of mine who dated the same x as me.  The X is probably one of the nicest people around and yet we both seemed to screw things up with him.  It was a day to just remember how badly you feel and how troubled you are with your feelings and what you really want to lay down and die but you can't.  It seemed all we did was talk about the X it was this and that.  It was just an entire night of bringing up great memories and yet nothing to be able to do with him.  You just want to hold onto someone and yet you know no one will be around.  It kinda just makes you want find someone and hold on forever but you wonder if you will every find that someone.  You also wonder if you have already met that special someone and you seemed to screw it up some how, by if you cheated on them or if you said something that you just wish you could take back. So you continue to get constantly reminded of this person.  No matter what you do the conversation just seems to stay on him.  Even in the moments of silence you know each other are thinking the same thing yet you are both not willing to say anything.  Why is that? Why is it so hard to say what you really feel or want to feel.  It even continues to be that way as this evening continues.  My roomy soon to be X roomy goes online and meets one of those guys who you think are like a GOD.  It is someone who you can't even talk too.  You just want to look at them and go you know what this is great I don't need anything else as along as I can look at you.  I don't need to touch you or even talk just sit there and act pretty.  Kinda wonders if people think of you the same way.  I would like to think so but really I am not sure.  I think every day we have idolization of people if it is from what they are doing to what they are seeing.  It is a society of we want this or that.  You want to see a picture rather then be there your self.  That's how I feel about him.  Just someone to look at.  Which makes this even harder.  I am sitting in my room typing this while in the other room is a guy who I feel in looks is a GOD.  I don't know why or how but he is.  Its just one of those, look at the knife in my back my not push me off the 50 foot cliff on to it just to make sure it jabs in a little deeper.  I don't know what to do, I want them to have there space but I also want to see what going on.  Its kinda funny because my female roommate doesn't really know what going on. She is just talking to a couple of cute guys in her living room and having a blast.  You can tell this because she never leaves her room.  Its cool and yet I kinda just want this night to end.  I hope all is well for you and that my misery makes you feel better, just writing it makes me feel better so have a great new years and take care.

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