This is a letter my Auntie Bill wrote me in October I found it interesting. It has slightly bin edited just to make things a little clearer for you. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. There are a lot of life lesson I hope it is not too preachy enjoy the read.
Mark
Chapter 1 (Safety Instructions)
My father had an expression “don’t cast your pearls before swine”. He was paraphrasing something out of the Bible. You are going to meet a lot of swine. This isn’t just in the gay community but that’s what we are talking about right now.
You have three pearls: your mind, your heart, your body.
When I was in my early twenties I remember moaning onto a friend about how life was so cruel, it wasn’t fair etc. etc. He turned to me and said “Bill get used to it.” I thought at the time that this was pretty harsh and not very sympathetic. I think my friend was right but the trick is to “get used to it” in a way that does not destroy your enthusiasm for life and hope for the future. It’s easy to “ get used to” and cripple our mind and heart with bitterness at how crappy life can be sometimes and end up treating people as badly as you have been treated. It is much harder to maintain hope and optimism and enthusiasm but it is essential.
There will be people who will only want you for your body and while this sounds pretty good when you are hot and sweaty and all alone late at night it’s not always worth it. If you give yourself to someone, you have to accept that they might not look you in the eye the next time they meet you. Sometimes theat’s just as well but most times not. Be careful where you leave your heart.
Get your own doctor. Change doctors from the one you have always used unless you can completely open and honest. If you stay with your current doctor you have to be sure that he or she will not talk to your mother unless you want that. Sometimes if they have been seeing you and your family for years they feel some sort of moral obligation to do so. That’s your right to decide, not theirs.
I have always felt more comfortable with a male doctor. Some people say a gay man should see a gay doctor. I don’t know if that is true. You have to be able to say ANYTHING to your doctor. I know that as a lawyer I would much rather that my client tell me everything, all the nasty things, so that I can give the best advice. Its not my job, or a doctors job, to make value judgements about my client.
Once, when I was about your age, I thought I had caught a nasty little venereal infection. I went to the Public Health Clinic and finally admitted to the attention doctor that I might have caught the little bug from another man. He wrote HOMO across the top of the chart. Needless to say I was somewhat embarrassed but I don’t challenge him on it and I should have.
Being gay is about much, much more than AIDS although if you read or watch T.V. that seems to be all straight people think about when they think about gay men. But it is still an issue. My doctor once said to me “You can only be 100% sure of 50% of the relationship”. It is your job to protect yourself. If someone says to you “I’ve been tested and I’m Ok” you cannot believe tem (even if they are really good-looking) unless you are prepared to die for your trust in them. I have only met one person in my life I would do that for.
Miscellaneous
You can’t cure an alcoholic.
(If applicable) don’t get circumcised if someone wants you to.
Hit me once and I’m gone.
Everyone is nice on the Internet.
Chapter 2 (Would you like coffee or tea?)
Don’t date anyone you would be ashamed to introduce to your grandmother.
This isn’t being elitist. Part of the your pride in yourself rightly comes from the pride your family has in you. They are very proud of you now and there is no reason this will change when you tell them but if they don’t like someone you are dating that can interfere with your future with them. If you lose your family, as I know you do, then you will want to have them in your future as well. Standing on principle is good as long as you are sure of the principle. If they don’t like him because he is black or native or older then you, that’s one thing, if they don’t like him because he picks his nose at the dinner table or is chronically unemployed or rude or drinks too much or lies in front of the T.V. all day, that’s another. They will then avoid him which means they will probably start to avoid you too.
Your grandmother’s values are a part of you so you will probably know instinctively, by reference to her, what is right and appropriate for you. I respect my mother’s opinions enough to know that if I thought that she would disapprove of a person in some fundamental way then there must be something about that person that should make me reconsider my relationship with him. I’m not talking about her perhaps being squeamish about what we might do in bed ( she’ll just have to get over that) but would she think that person is not good for me.
You have to accept that you need your family and the most of who you are has been created and nurtured by them. Sexual interest fades so once you’ve lost interest( or he’s lost interest, though I can’t imagine that) you may end up losing him and find that you have lost your family as well.
Being ashamed to introduce someone to your grandmother is pretty good indication of what you know in your heart to be a problem. Listen to that.
