Title: SELF-LESS
Synopsis: Spike decides to look for a new place to stay. A post-"Selfless" episode fanfic.
Rating: G
Date Written: Sunday, 3 November, 2002
Author: † The Resident Vampyr © 2001-2002.
Credits: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and the powers that be. Partial script from "Selfless".
Music/Lyrics: The Promise by Tracy Chapman
Characters: Buffy † Xander † Anya † Spike

***
If you dream of me like I dream of you...
In a place that's warm and dark...
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart...

Spike smiled inwardly at the thought of someday, Buffy will see him for what he was today and not for what he was before--- a vampire without remorse or compassion. He doesn't want Buffy to pity him, that he was sure of. Instead, he wanted her to give him a chance to prove himself as much as he wanted to prove to himself that he, in fact, deserve to have a soul.

"We will get through this... you and me," Buffy tenderly said.

That how it should be for them. Patience. Understanding. Love.

Spike tilted his head sidewards, there is a full moon, he said to himself. It had been months since he went out of his sanctuary at the new high school basement. He had been in isolation for more than he had hope for. If only those voices in his head stop, then it would be better, he said. Once in a while, Spike find himself alone in the basement if he could stay still long enough, or if he filled his thoughts of Buffy. The latter of course, brought joy and peace in his heart. But more often than not, it was like earshot, pounding his head with cries of torture and death.

Spike walked consciously in the dark streets of Sunnydale. His head bowed and his eyes rarely leaving the sidewalk. To where he was headed, he was not sure. All he knew was that he had to find a new place to stay.

His stay at the high school basement was not appreciated by the slayer. She, in fact, asked him to stay.

"You have to get out of the basement Spike" said Buffy. "You're in danger here."

He looked at her. It was the different Buffy, the not-so pleasant Buffy. Spike merely looked away and dugged himself deeper in the dark corner.

"I don't have anywhere to go," he said nervous at the thought of him leaving this place.

His old crypt was now inhabited by his old friend Clem. Lucky for him if he can still convinced Clem to get his crypt back. He probably have nested there too, got himself comfortable with his old telly. Spike smiled half-wickedly, a hint of his old self surfacing.

He was half past the town near a campus when he bumped into something, or somebody.


***

"You..." she said, surprised to see him out and about.

Spike noticed that she was emotionally vulnerable based from the tears in her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Anya wiped the tears in her face. "N-nothing."

There was something less about her, Spike thought, something missing.

"What's up with you?" she asked in return. Anya may no longer a demon and grant wishes (to women that is), but she still haven't loss her desire to talk (even if nobody wanted to talk to her). "How's having a soul making you?"

"Crazy..."

Anya reflected for a moment. Her giving up the whole evil thingy was a big step for her. A sacrifice she was willing to do. But for what? To make things better? For herself, for her friends, for Xander? She was still confused whether she did the right thing or not. Will her choices matters even in the face of the greatest evil to come to Hellmouth?

"I guess having a soul and a conscience is a ball", she chuckled nervously.

Spike studied her; Anya the tactless girlfriend of Xander, the money lover, the I-say-the-darndest-thing Anya, Anya the vengeance demon. Only...

Spike realized. She was less than a demon. She no longer was.

"Was it worth it?"

They said in unison.

***

I've longed for you and I have desired...
To see your face your smile...
To be with you wherever you are...


Spike reached a familiar place on his way to a his crypt. It was one of those houses that happened to be in a way to other p-parts of the town. He slowly walked towards the stalker tree, that was he called it. Cigarette butts, it was here they piled up. He used to finished packs and packs a day, of course now, he no longer smoked.

Remembering...
Your touch...
Your kiss...
Your warm embrace...
I'll find my way back to you...
If you'll be waiting...


Spike looked to see if the slayer was still up. He wished to talked to her and tell her... something, anything. Perhaps convince her that he was not crazy and everything was just in his head, when in fact he was? How can he convinced her, when he himself was not sure? Perhaps he wanted to feel the comfort that only her could provide. Perhaps...

"Spike," she was speaking right behind him.

He instinctively turned around to face her, "B-Buffy...". He nervously wrapped his hands around his arms and retreated back. He noticed that Xander and Willow was not far behind.

"W-What are you doing here?" she asked almost whispering, checking to see her friend nearby.

"I-I," he stopped.

"Spike, what are you doing here?" Xander asked the vampire, his indignation towards him was no less than before.

Spike remained looking at Buffy, "I, was looking..."

"Looking?" Xander interrupted. "Looking for somebody to go mental with?" he said, "I warn you man, don't!"

"Xander, please..." said Buffy calmly. With this, Xander reluctantly retreated back to his car.

"I," Spike started to continue what he was saying, "...how are you?" he said instead.

Buffy didn't answer. She merely looked at the vampire in front of her. Everytime she was faced with him, all she could ever think about was... why? As much as she wanted to deny the existance of his soul, she cannot. She knew he had it, but she had a hard time dealing with it. She no longer knows him, maybe she never knew him at all. All that Buffy understood was Spike had changed. Physicall, mentally, emotionally.

He had a soul, she kept telling herself. But somehow, it was just so complicated. Too complicated.

Her silence meant everything to Spike. He knew him being here, standing in front of Buffy was not a good idea. It was not the time nor the place for them, yet. He finally decided to leave.

"I'm going to my crypt," he said.

Buffy realized this was about him leaving the basement. She shook her head and sighed. She hurt him. It was a misunderstanding, all Buffy wanted was for him to be safe. Staying at the hellmouth was a disaster waiting to happen and she couldn't take the risk of Spike being there. It was unthinkable. Bottom line was, she could've told him in a nicer way. She shouldn't have told him to leave as if it meant nothing. It was... insensitive.

"Spike," she wanted to explain herself.

He stopped her from saying more. "Buffy, I wanted to say, I'm sorry for what I did to you." His eyes started to well-up. All the evil things he did was was killing him. Every waking day and night, it was a torturng him.

His soul.

I guess having a soul and a conscience is a ball...Was it worth it?

Buffy felt his pain. It pained her too. She kept denying him. She kept forgiving him. But seeing him suffered, reminded her of somebody who suffered the same way. She started to reach out for him and tell him that everything will be alright.

"I'm so sorry," Spike repeated himself. With that, he slowly turned away and started to walk away.


Please say you'll be waiting...
Together again...
It would feel so good to be...
In your arms...
Where all my journeys end...

I vow to come for you...
If you wait for me and say you'll hold...
A place for me in your heart...
A place for me in your heart...
A place for me in your heart.

***

Also by The Resident Vampyr™ † Vampire Seasons™ - a compilation of season 6 BtVS post-episode fanfictions & The Vampyr Pentateuch & Other Stories™. Visit http://www.vampyrslayer.cjb.net for more.