on me with my Reincarnation!” I do a short re-cap in the beginning here though, so you’re welcome to try and read this anyway.
Literally dozens of you have e-mailed me asking who the father of Jaken’s child is, and I’m sure many more of you have been wondering but never bothered to e-mail me about it. The thing is, I was never going to reveal it at all; I hadn’t even thought about who the father was. I know I said it would be revealed in the “next show,“ but there was never going to be a “next show.” It was just supposed to be a surprising, funny way to wrap up that show.
BUT! Today that all changes. Maury’s doing a Past Guest Update Special! Jaken and the potential fathers are back in the studio, and a paternity test has been done. This is just a mini Maury episode to answer that unanswered question, so it won’t be as long as the others, and it also won’t have a commercial. Imagine that it’s just a portion of the Update Special or something. Ok, here we go!
By the way, here's what Maury looks like.
*Maury’s ‘beginning of the show’ music plays*
*the audience claps*
*Maury, wearing a blue-gray sweater as usual, is sitting in his usual chair*
Maury: “Hello everybody! Welcome to the show! Today we’ll be checking in on some of the people who have taken part in our show in the past. We’ve gotten tons of viewer mail! While there were a few death threats, a letter from my ex-wife to ask that I please stop calling her at 3:00am pretending to be Yogi Bear, and a few envelopes containing a mysterious white powder, most of the mail was harmless fanmail from viewers wondering about some of our former guests! Now, never a show to miss a chance to gain viewers, we decided to do this Special Update Show!”
*audience claps*
Maury: “What? Did I say something clap-worthy? YOU’RE TOO EASILY IMPRESSED!”
Audience: “…”
Maury: “So, before I introduce our first guests, let me tell you their story. About a year ago, we had two women on the show, Kikyou and Kagome. They wanted the man in their lives, Inuyasha, to choose between them, once and for all. When Inuyasha came out, he shocked us all by revealing that he had had someone else in his life for quite some time!
Audience: “OOOoooooOOOOooooo!
Maury: “Yeah, I know! Anyway, in yet another shocking twist, it turned out that this “someone else” was actually a man!”
Audience: “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Maury: “STOP INTERRUPTING ME! DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY MANNERS!?! Jeez! When someone’s talking, you don’t just break into OOOOOOOOOs!”
*A member of the audience stands up*
Audience member: “But…homosexuality is so OOOOOOO worthy! We had to OOOOOO! It’s just what one does in this situation!”
Maury: “LET ME TALK! I AM MAURY! I KNOW ALL!! Ok, so, like I was saying before some people decided to be rude, Inuyasha’s lover was revealed to be a man. Well, not a man, but a male, at least. We think. Well, it turned out that this guy, Jaken, had another man in his life!”
*Maury stops and looks at the audience, as if daring them to OOOOOO. They don’t. Maury might be crazy, and they don’t know what he’ll do to them.*
Maury: “That’s more like it. So, this other man burst into the studio, begging for Jaken to take him back. At this point, Jaken revealed that he was in fact pregnant, and there was a good chance one of them may be the father! We then revealed at the end of the show that the list of possible fathers was Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, our Stage Manager Eliot, myself, and a head of cabbage. Now, before we continue, we have some sad news. We’ve recently learned that the head of cabbage was killed a few months ago in a tragic salad accident.”
Audience: “…”
*The audience is too petrified to respond*
Maury: “You’re supposed to say, ‘Aaaaaawwwwhhh….’ Don’t you people have any feelings?! A cabbage died here people! Died!”
Audience: “Aa…aaawwwh…hhh…”
Maury: “That was pathetic, but I guess it’ll have to do. Monsters. NOW! Lets bring out our guests! Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, Jaken, our Stage Manager Eliot, and…well, I’m already here. Come on out!”
*Jaken, Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, and a very confused Stage Manager walk out on stage, and take seats in 4 chairs that have seemingly appeared out of nowhere.*
*the mood between Jaken, Inuyasha, and Sesshoumaru is decidedly cold*
Maury: “Welcome to the show!”
Jaken: “Glad to be here, Maury!”
Sesshoumaru: “…”
Inuyasha: “…”
Eliot: “I…I think there’s been a mistake here…”
Maury: “You know what the real mistake here is Eliot? A child has no father in his life! NOW CLAP!”
*The audience claps at Maury’s command*
*the Producer’s voice come over the studio’s speakers*
Producer: “Maury…why are you being so bossy today? You’re scaring the audience…”
Maury: “Oh, hey, I wondered you were going to show up. Yes, well, I’ve been reading a book called, “How to be More Assertive” lately. This book has told me that I don’t have to stand for the audiences’ abuse anymore! Or yours! Now crawl back into your hole and don’t let me catch your voice interrupting my show again!”
Producer: “…”
Maury: “That’s what I thought you’d say! Well, is anyone else big enough to stand up to THE MAURY!?”
Everyone: “……”
Maury: “Good. Then let’s move along. Jaken, why don’t you tell us how things have been between you three since the last show?”
Jaken: “I would be glad to! But I wish I had happier things to report Maury!”
Maury: “Things haven’t been going well, then?”
Jaken: “Far from it! Both Inuyasha-huggy-bear and Sesshoumaru-maru-maru have been giving this poor pitiable Jaken the cold shoulder! Neither of them will take responsibility for my baby! They haven’t even chipped in for diapers!”
Maury: “How much do diapers go for in feudal Japan these days?”
Jaken: “…well…technically…diapers haven’t been invented yet. But if they had, then I’m sure these two dead-beat-dads wouldn’t be pitching in!”
Inuyasha: “Two!? We can’t both be the dad! Why should I pitch in on anything when this little hussy *he jabs his thumb in Jaken’s direction* has been with everyone this side of the sacred tree?! That baby could be anyones! He won’t see a penny until I know the kid’s mine!”
Sesshoumaru: “For once we agree. I don’t see why I should have to take part in raising the child when it may not even be mine.”
Maury: “Who do you think the father is Jaken? Who does it most resemble?”
Jaken: “Honestly Maury…I’m just not sure. But, how could these two deny love to this little sweetheart?”
*A screen behind Maury suddenly brings up a photo of Jaken’s baby*
Maury: “…”
Inuyasha: “What the-!?”
Sesshoumaru: “I’m…I’m going to be sick!”
Eliot: “THERE HAS BEEN SOME KIND OF MISTAKE!”
Maury: “That’s it Eliot! you’re fired!”
Eliot: “OH THANK GOD!”
*Eliot gets up and jogs backstage. His chair…vanishes.*
Maury: “So, Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, if the baby turns out to be one of yours, will you be a man and take responsibility?”
Inuyasha: “I’m making NO PROMISES. I’ll chip in for diapers and be around for Christmas and things like that, but I’m just not ready for family life, Maury.”
Sesshoumaru: “I’ll be a good father to the child, if he turns out to be mine. I have a strong sense of responsibility, unlike some people.”
*Sesshoumaru throws a dirty look in Inuyasha’s direction, which Inuyasha returns.*
Jaken: “What about you Maury? Will you take responsibility if the child is yours?”
Maury: “If by “take responsibility” you mean get a fake Mexican passport, head straight for the border, and assume the name Señor Maury Rodriguez, humble street vendor, then yes, I will take responsibility.”
Jaken: “I meant more like, be a father for the child and help me financially.”
Maury: “Oh. Then, no. I won’t take responsibility.”
Jaken: “…”
Maury: “So! Let’s read the results!”
*Maury takes a suspicious look around.*
Maury: “Everybody look away! I’m going to get the envelope out now, and I don’t want you to know my hiding place!”
*After a few confusing moments and several threatening glares from Maury, everyone is turned around. A bit of shuffling is heard, as well as what sounds like a kitten mew-ing. When everyone turns back, Maury has taken the envelope out of his secret envelope hiding place.*
Maury: “Ok, let’s get right to the results.”
*Maury takes the results paper out of the envelope. He reads the first result…*
Maury: “Inuyasha, when it comes to Jaken’s baby, you……are not the father.”
*Inuyasha looks extremely relieved.*
Inuyasha: “I knew I wasn’t the father! IN YOUR FACE!!”
Maury: “Sesshoumaru, when it comes to Jaken’s baby, you……are not the father.”
*Sesshoumaru looks relieved…and maybe a little sad. Perhaps a small part of him wanted a child?*
Sesshoumaru: “Well…it’s for the best, I suppose…”
*Jaken is starting to look a little worried.*
Maury: “Now, Eliot our former Stage Manager isn’t here, but he……is not the father.”
*Something like, “OH THANK GOD!” is heard coming from backstage in what sounds suspiciously like Eliot’s voice.*
Maury: “And now for the deceased cabbage…he……is not the father.”
*Jaken looks really worried now…Maury is the only one left. Maury seems blissfully unaware of this, but then…*
Maury: “Now, Maury, you’re the last one left. How do you feel?”
Maury: “I’m nervous…I don’t think I’m ready for fatherhood! I’m still young! I can’t have a kid!”
*Yes, Maury just spoke to himself*
Maury: “Now, when it comes to Jaken’s child, I……am not the father.”
Audience: “GASP!!”
Maury: “…I’m not? Then, who is? None of the 5 who were given the paternity test were the baby’s father!”
*All eyes are on Jaken*
Jaken: “What can I say? I’m a total hussy. All the ladies…and guys…and cabbages…want a piece of Jaken. Sometimes it’s hard to be so incredibly sexy!”
Maury: “Well…is there anyone else you want us to test?”
Jaken: “Let’s see…there’s…you know what? The father could be almost anyone. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? I’m Jaken! JAKEN! There’s no limit to how awesome I am! I can be this child’s mother AND father! I don’t need anyone else!
Maury: “So…we’re never going to find out who the father is? Then what was the point of this Update Special?! Nothing was accomplished!”
Jaken: “Yeah…hey…wait a second. WAIT A SECOND!”
*Everyone looks at Jaken*
Maury: “Well?”
Jaken: “I just remembered! Jakens reproduce asexually!”
Inuyasha: “Huh?”
Sesshoumaru: “…”
Maury: “Wait…you mean like plants do?”
Jaken: “Yes! Which means…I’M the father! And the mother, too!”
Maury: “And you just remembered this? Just now?”
Jaken: “TeeHee! My bad!”
That’s it. I’m sorry that it ended a bit abruptly, but remember, this is meant to represent just a portion of the imaginary “whole” Update Special. Get it?
Please e-mail me and tell me what you thought! Let me know if it made you laugh!
