Ozzy Osbourne interview by Conan O'Brien, on _Late Night with Conan O'Brien_. 22 Dec 1997 [From microcassette. An interview of a guy named Ozzy by a guy named Conan. I lost the very end of the interview.] [Both O'Brien and Osbourne tend to talk rapidly. Osbourne mumbles at times. Braces {} enclose unclear speech. For people like me who don't know much about Osbourne, he has a British accent. He had been sick and is wry and low energy here. Toward the start, he was slow to decide it was his turn to say something.] --- --- --- [Return from commercial. Band is playing, AUDIENCE is cheering.] CONAN All right, everybody, we are back! Ladies an' gentlemen, my first guest, is a rock 'n' roll legend. As a founding member of Black Sabbath, he's a *Grammy* award winner and he has sold, get this, over thirty five *million* records. His *latest* CD is entitled, "The Oz Man Cometh." Let the madness begin. It's Ozzy Osbourne. [AUDIENCE cheers and "woos" loud and long. The band plays some calm, classy big band song.] OZZY [seated] Guess they know me, huh. CONAN Yeah. This, this happens for most our guests, yeah. They go crazy--yeah --when we had Leo Sayer on the, show--they jjust went crazy. How *are* ya? OZZY I'm all right. I just flew in from L.A. you know. CONAN Yeah. You missed--you were supposed to be on--just to clarify--we announced you were gonna come on, last Wednesday, but-- OZZY Yeah but what happen-- CONAN --you, you didn't come on-- OZZY What happened was I had this thing called Gastro-enteritis which is a *wonderful* thing to have {in your stomach, yeah.} Now, would, would you believe, we're ready to go home, my son has it. CONAN Oh, really. What are the side effects of this uhhh, this, this disease. OZZY [amused] Well, it's a very smelly disease, ha ha ha ha! But you don't-- CONAN So should I go--should I ask *more?* OZZY You don't--you don't wanna go on a *diet* when you got this problem, really, 'cause you won't last very long, then. CONAN Really. Well, you're feeling well now. OZZY Yeah, all {well. I'm great.} [AUDIENCE is laughing] [amused] Um, yeah, I'm feeling, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling real good. [AUDIENCE is clapping, some cheering. Not sure what OZZY does here.] CONAN [for shame] Oh *Ozzy!* OZZY I thought I'd blow you a kiss. CONAN In all the, the five *years* that I've been doing this show, I never thought I'd say, "Oh, Ozzy.." Ahh, there's so much to talk about, so much, in your past that, that I want to get straight. First of all you're, you're famous--in addition to the music--for your stage antics. OZZY Oh, yeah. CONAN Your wild stage antics. And I found out, recently, that, many of them, many of these crazy stage antics were your wife's idea. Is that right? OZZY They were, they're, *most* of these crazy stage an, stage antics are my wife's idea. CONAN Like what kinds of ideas does she have? [amused at OZZY just looking at him blankly] Are you just gonna repeat everything I say today? OZZY Well, well.. CONAN That's your Coping Mechanism, isn't it, Ozzy. OZZY Yeah. CONAN "Yes, that *is* my coping mechanism." OZZY I feel like I'm at my therapist right now. CONAN I can help you, Ozzy. We're here to help. OZZY Help me. CONAN [laughs] All right, so uh-- OZZY Well--well, for instance, why, one time, wha.. in the, in the early eighties when it was all this Gothic thing, you know, this old gothic stage.. uh, uh sets an' what{not}.. She um. CONAN Did you just discover your hand? What is this. OZZY {Yeah well actually, I, I checkin' a few down. Ha ha ha..} CONAN [laughs] You were talking an' you were like, "Oh, *look*." Ummm, so what, what--what--so they had this whole gothic thing an', an' what happened. OZZY Um, I was lookin' at my {little} finger, actually. It was a bit. So, like, my wife comes up with this idea, she said, "Ozzy, I got this great idea. You coming out in this big giant hand." I said, "What d'you mean?" She, {"We'll push it} up--at the end o' the show, we'll push this big giant hand--just like that--an' you sit in the middle of the hand, an', an' the thing is, it got all {pile frames} in there," right? CONAN Hm-mmm. OZZY An' there's this big, sss--mm--uh, a sling, a sling shot in the back of it, to hit me in the back with five or ten pounds of *offal* in the back. An' I said "offal-- CONAN *Offal?* I mean, what ya, meat! OZZY Lots o'meat, testicles.. an', an' an'-- [AUDIENCE is laughing.] OZZY --penises an'-- CONAN What? You, like, *animal* testicles. OZZY Well, not *human* testicles.. [high voice shout-sing] CONAN [laughing] Yeah, you wouldn't do that, because that would be Absurd. Yeah. OZZY We {don't say that, we don't sail around that to be ha ha.} CONAN [laughs] So, so, you, you have, let me, let me, you got this mechanical hand, you're in the middle of it-- OZZY I'm in the middle of it. At the back of it is this sling with all these, these balls an' an' everything else. CONAN [amused] *Okay.* Okay. OZZY You know, all these g--ooze an' what. CONAN Sure, yeah, yeah. OZZY Now, she says, when the {pyro} fingers explode, you gotta press this button, an' all this offal will fly into the audi, an' I thought, "Great, honey." CONAN You were gonna throw these testicles at the *audience*? OZZY Yeah, well, we were going down badly, you know? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. CONAN [amused] Okay, so what happened. OZZY So what happened is that, the--all right--unbeknownst to me, this--this rubber band has been taut from two o'clock in the afternoon, 'til about eleven o'clock in the evening, so I--I come for my big finale, an' I go {out} an' I {sort of} push this thing an' it goes.. uhhhh.. *slap*.. [CONAN is cracking up. Ozzy'd illustrated how the hand just weakly landed on him.] OZZY Now I'm standin', now I'm standin' there like the Prince of Darkness with all this {??}, an' all this blood an' snot an' crap.. An' I just went, "Good night, {folks}." [AUDIENCE claps and whoops.] CONAN Ohhh. Gotta hate when you see that. [AUDIENCE cheering] {What are we, I?} You know, I--I--we got--let's take a commercial break just because I got so much to ask, that I--I want more time. Uh, ladies an' gentlemen, we'll be right back, more with Ozzy Osbourne in just a second. [AUDIENCE cheers as band takes show to commercial with a metal tune.] [time: 4:41; Commercial Break] [Return from Commercial, band playing, AUDIENCE cheering.] CONAN We're back! Sitting here with Ozzy Osbourne. Ah, you have um, you really started this whole business of--of being a big enemy of the, religious right, didn't you. OZZY Oh, yeah, I've been, I gave them a reason to, be--*be*, you know, an' they keep followin' me around everywhere. Especially in a--mainly, mainly in America, though--no where else in the world. CONAN You'd come to America on a tour and, they would seek you out, they would wanna-- OZZY Well, they'd wanna, they'd uhuhuh, they'd follow me on my bus, they'd {pwhat,} they'd hang out at my hotel room. But *most* of them didn't even know what I *looked* like, you know. CONAN Mm-mm. You *must* o' had a--oh, you had a *confrontation* with some once. Right? OZZY [partly over CONAN] {Uh, some, a--}a really weird story, um. I was doin' a, a show down in *Texas*, {in vinnystor--an' findin'} this guy that was tryin' to ban the show, you know. So I got there about six in the morning an' uh, I {had got a bad, a bad throat because I'd} been on a, a bit of a *bender* for the last week or two an' I didn't wanna-- CONAN [for shame] *Oh!* OZZY That was when I used to do that, but I don't do that any more. CONAN Right, right. [I guess OZZY gives him a blank look.] CONAN [laughs] Uh-huh. OZZY That's really water. CONAN Mm-mm. OZZY An' uhm, I {forgot to mention,} I used to have this bodyguard, that was an ex-Vietnam vet--Vietnam vet an' was *crazy*. {Any--an' he was tellin'--} CONAN You {had as} your bodyguard a crazy Vietnam vet? OZZY {Look, it just goes like..} I didn't *know* at the time. Most of the time that I *had* a bodyguard, I was, I was--{they were}--if they didn't *kill* anybody every three weeks, they didn't think they were doin' their job an' I'd end up goin', "No Violence," you know-- CONAN --Hm-mm-- OZZY --An' I'd go, "Sit, boy." CONAN Uh-huh. Uh-huh. OZZY An', so we get into this hotel, an' uh.. I, I said to this guy, this guy, Larry. I said, "Larry. Go an' get me a doctor. I want a doctor for around twelve o'clock." You know? CONAN A doctor. OZZY A throat doctor, see. An' I got--I got off about--I went to bed about six/seven an' I got up about eleven an' I went downstairs for the, to the coffee shop. An' I said to this.. Larry, "Larry, go an'--go an' tell the guy at the reception, that when the Ear, Nose, an' Throat guy comes, I'll be in the coffee shop." Now, unbeknowing to me, that *coffee* shop has been staked out with all these Evangelists! So this, I'm sit, I'm sittin' in the coffee shop drinking coffee, me an' this crazy Vietnam vet-- CONAN I like the idea of *you* walking into a Texas coffee shop. [chuckles] OZZY {Hey--exactly} That--that--that was a movie *there*, somewhere. [CONAN's laughing.] OZZY [imitating Texan man] "You come here, boy?" [AUDIENCE laughs.] CONAN And so, you're havin' your coffee. OZZY I'm sittin' 'ere 'avin' my coffee an' this guy goes, [imitating watchful guard] keeping eye like a good terrier, you know. An' this guy comes over, {or somethin' like that, an' he's in a} very smart suit an' his jacket on, an' {sharp} tie on an' whatever. An' he goes, "Are you Mr. Ozzy Osbourne?" CONAN I'm thinkin' he's the doctor, an' I go, "Oh, yeah." OZZY An' he goes "*Put* *JESUS* {*in* *FRONT* *o'* *ya!*"} an' they all start *jumpin'* on me--it's 'cause {he's their--} [AUDIENCE laughing] an' *I* was thinkin', "My *god*, what's goin' on? {He's come to just--}" *All* these, *all* these people that were strategically, on {their, plan of}-- *attacking* me, on {either side, turns into a Rambo}--starts *flyin'* through, over the *walls* {that I'm tryin' to ? An' I think} I'm goin', "*Larry!* *Don't*--*Don't* *KILL!* We don't *kill* today!" CONAN [laughing] "We don't kill *today*." That's the impor.. Maybe *tomorrow* we kill, but not today. Now. It's hard for me to *believe*, but, a couple years ago, you *retired*. Why did you retire? OZZY Well.. I'm one o' these people that--that that--that always says things that I'll later regret. You know, an' those people? An' people--now it's like people say to me, "{Now,} is it really going to be a re-formation of the original Black Sabbath," an' I go, "Let's wait an' see," 'cause I, if I go, "Yeah," it won't happen, if I go, "No," it will happen. CONAN Right. OZZY So, my wife says to me, {in the meetin' of}--over the one show, "What do you want to do {if your choice is} retire. So, I thought, "Great. I'm still, I got breath in my lungs, I can still see, I don't need a, walk-- walking stick yet, and I don't need.. I haven't got--what--a colostomy bag quite yet. [AUDIENCE starts laugh.] CONAN [calm] You could have stopped at the other examples, Ozzy. [AUDIENCE is laughing.] OZZY [during laughter] Well, you know, I--I like to get *graphic*-- CONAN {I think}--*fine* with the other examples. OZZY I like to get very *graphic* with everything-- CONAN *Yeah.* I--we heard that. Yeah. [laughs] And so uh, and so, what did you do in your spare--did you go fishin'? OZZY Well, I went fish--I went--that lasted--so I bought all the tackle, went fishin', uh-- CONAN How do you fish? What are you like when you go fishing? OZZY I'm bli--if I don't catch a fish in the first few minutes, dynamite goes in there. [AUDIENCE laughs.] CONAN [amused] *Dynamite* goes in the water-- OZZY I, I'm *guaranteed* to catch a fish. CONAN [chuckling] Yes, you're gonna get, fish *pieces*, yeah. You throw dynamite in the *water*? OZZY Yeah, {but no--no}--it floats. An' it all comes to the surface--{you know I'm not gonna sit} there like a, idiot for all day, {goin' fishin'}. CONAN [laughs] I'd like to see your episode of "Good Fisherman." Yeah. OZZY An' I've got *loads* of good, *trophies* on the wall. They've all got *holes* in them! CONAN [laughs] You're also, uh--I wanted ask you uhhh--somethin' you're, you're a Victorian Art collector. OZZY Yeah! Uh, I collect Victorian Art. {Surely}-- CONAN --Why.-- OZZY Be--be--the reason why--I collect, uh Victorian Women: is they look like *Women*. Now, in this day in--I don't know, whether I'm old-fashioned or what, but women, uh, the, models today look like they need a good *sandwich*, you know. [AUDIENCE laughs and "woo"s.] CONAN [chuckles] They do! Most of them. OZZY No! But I--I don't know {how to handle the audience.} Don't all applaud that. The poor thing. She won't *eat*, you know. She--'cause--she's just like that--she's like a {lathe}--an' I'm goin', I'm {not--gonna try an'-- I'm gonna try to} sneak *potato* chips when she's *asleep,* you know. [CONAN and AUDIENCE laughs.] CONAN If I woke up in the middle of the night, and Ozzy Osbourne was tryin' to put a *chip* in my mouth,-- OZZY Well, I've got one in my *head,* you know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! CONAN [chuckles] I wanted to finally ask you, uhhhh, 'cause we're--we're runnin' tight on time, but um. Did you go an' see the movie, _Spinal_Tap_? OZZY Well, yeah-- CONAN An' what did you think of it-- OZZY [dismayed] Well, uh--uh, {it was} a funny thing about _Spinal_Tap_, when I went to see it, I was the *only* person in the audience that wasn't *laughing,* because it *really* was like a documentary to me because-- [AUDIENCE erupts in laughter.] OZZY --cause those things *actually* *happened.* Uh, I mean. {The audience is going, "Oh ha ha! That number six thinks he's number eleven!"} That *happened.* [Everyone laughs but dismayed Ozzy.] OZZY They go "Oh, ha ha ha!" That happened. That--when they got lost goin' to the stage, that happened. CONAN *No!* [seeing OZZY's serious] You got lost goin' to the stage? OZZY *Oh!* I mean, I--I--I--oh--oh--I'm the practical joker. When you go into these, these big shows, 's got, like, "So an' so, so an' so" {yous} hung up, they've got, gaffer tape-- CONAN All right-- OZZY --arrows, an' I--I'm always-- CONAN --to show you which way to go-- OZZY I'm always turnin' the *arrows* around, you know, go here. [Everyone laughs.] [time: 5:15; total: 9:56] ----- --- ---- [That's all I have. I think the interview ended shortly after.] Transcript by Suzanne Morine