CHAPTER THIRTY TWO- “I’ll Never Break Your Heart”

 

I smiled as Brian’s hand felt warm against my thigh.  He inched his way towards me and inclined his head letting his forehead rest against mine.  His beautiful, blue eyes, which always seemed to take me away to some distant, far away place, gazed into mine.

 

I wrapped my arms around him and let him graze his lips against my cheek.  I’d miss his touch so much that it was just enchanting when he touched me now.  I wanted to tell him so much, about how horrible it was not to be able to be with him or even speak to him, or to have him turn away from me.  But I didn’t want to ruin the moment I was sharing with him. 

 

As we both sat there, on the park bench surrounded by the sweet smell of flowers blooming, and by the freshly cut grass we were serenaded by the sound of laughter as children ran around chasing each other, or playing a game of hide and seek.  There were other men and women completely enthralled with each other, but like us, they didn’t notice anyone around them but their mate.  I loved being able to be with Brian out in the open like this.  Things couldn’t be more perfect.

 

I leaned forward, asking him for a kiss but surprisingly he pulled himself away from my arms.  He looked saddened and then confused.  I inquired what was wrong but he didn’t response.  What had happened?  Everything was perfect a couple of seconds ago.  He turned to face me, but quickly shifted away, seeming embarrassed.  I tried to get him to look at me but he wouldn’t, he didn’t want to.  He wanted something else.

 

I saw his face light up again, and that same warm smile fell over it as I realized what he wanted.  What he had wanted all along.  He wrapped his arms around Leighanne, who seemed to appear out of nowhere.  He combed through her long blond hair before resting his hands on her hips. Letting them rise and fall on her leg.  Then he leaned forward, and kissed her.

 

I awoke with a quick jump, leaving me to clutch for my blanket.  I felt my heart pounding against my chest as it heaved quickly up and down from the deep intakes of air I was taking.  Out of reflex I quickly scanned the night table near the bed, but I found no clock waiting to give me the time.  Instead I took my watch from where I had left it last night.  What a horrible nightmare, I thought to myself.  I really needed to stop thinking about it.  About the whole situation, it was making me so uneasy.  I looked at my watch.  Five in the morning, it was so hard to focus on anything else, when the press conference was in a couple of hours.

 

I really hated staying in this room all by myself.  It was just too great for just one person.  I just wanted to crawl back under the covers.  I really didn’t want to start the day.  But then I remembered John, and how he told me I had to take control of my circumstances, and not let them control me.  It was like that metaphor he used back when we were at that ravine. No, I wasn’t going to let it control me.  If anything I would be coming out on top.  I still had Brian, and that was what mattered.  I recalled how his blue eyes danced when he looked into mine, and told me to trust in him.  It was me he wanted to be with, he had said not so long ago back at the diner on his birthday night.

 

I showered and got dress, the entire time thinking about what I was going to do.  I was going to go up to Brian and have him listen to me when I tell him about Leighanne and that Ken guy.

 

I was actually excited now.  I knew that all in all, I was right.  I know she is cheating on him and even though he isn’t too innocent of that, he doesn’t belong with her.  He belongs with me.  I brushed my hair back and picked it up in a french twist.  I looked at myself in the mirror, and thought I looked very professional.  I was wearing a black skirt, which wasn’t a mini skirt, but it did fall above my knee.  And a white, sleeveless knitted sweater I had bough a while back when Lina, Kristin and I went shopping at Express.

 

It was still too early when I was done, so I decided to order room service for myself.  It just made the seemingly gigantic hotel room seem even larger having to eat breakfast all by myself.

 

I still needed to talk to Lina.  I hadn’t told her I’d found the pills in her bag, and that I knew she was still taking them.  But with all the interviewing and guest appearances she was making, I had barely enough time to say anything to her all week.  She was becoming extremely popular, and her Rolling Stone issue was due to come out next week.  Everyone was recognizing her.

 

There was about an hour or so left till the conference, and I decided now was the time to speak to Brian.  I walked out of my room and did the usual mile hike towards the other side, where everyone else was boarding.  It was actually really busy on that side, as make-up artist, stylist and managers ran around from room to room getting the boys ready.  I spotted Brian sitting in the make-up chair, which I think was set up in Howie’s room. 

 

“Brian,” I said as I walked over to him.  “I need to talk to you.”  I don’t know if that was a glare that spread across his face, or if he was just sitting still for the person who was fixing up his hair, but I could tell right away he wasn’t happy to see me.  That made me feel incredibly apprehensive.  “Brian, do you have a second?”  I tried again, this time surprising myself at how formal I was with him.

 

“Actually, Isabelle, right now’s not a good time.  Maybe later, after all this is over.  But right now, I really don’t have a second.”  Brian said.  His tone was far from cold, but he was still brushing me off.

 

I tried hard to hide the hurt look on my face.  “Ok, maybe afterwards then.”  I said, and showed myself out the room.  Immediately Patrick Owens approached me, as he grabbed my arm with much force, frightening me.  “I thought we had an understanding!”  He said, his voice a whisper but his tone commanding.  “You are not allowed to speak to him anymore.  Don’t you know he could press charges?”

 

“Get off me.”  I told him, but he pretended not to hear me. Instead he shook me hard.

 

“Don’t let me catch you again speaking to…”

 

“Patrick let go of her arm.”  Came a deep voice from behind as Kevin approached us. 

 

“I caught her in there trying to talk to Brian.  I already informed her that she wasn’t allowed to.  She even signed the contract.”

 

“Let go of her arm.”  Kevin said, more demanding this time but his voice was not loud, as he was trying not to attract attetion.

 

Patrick reluctantly let my arm go which began to hurt from how hard he had been holding me.  He then looked from me to Kevin, and walked away.

 

“Thank you, Kevin.  He really is an alarming man.”  I said turning to him.

 

But he didn’t seem to care.  Instead he said.  “Isabelle, please try to remember that next time.  You can’t talk to Brian till after the Press Conference.  Ok?”

 

“Ok.”  I said, once again feeling treated as a child.  But I wasn’t going to let this stop me.  There was still one more person I knew I needed to tell about Leighanne and Ken.  I walked away once again.  The feeling of not being welcomed was becoming more and more.

 

I knocked on the door twice before someone answered it.  “Leighanne, I need to talk to you.”

 

Her eyebrow rose, as she didn’t say a word, and instead stepped aside so I could walk into the room.  I could feel her cold stare on me as I made my way in.  She was trying to intimidate me, but I refused to let her. 

 

“If you don’t mind, can we do this in the bedroom.  I’m still not done getting ready.”  She said and walked back towards the room.  I followed her.  I walked in and she sat down at the mirror.  She was putting on her make up. 

 

“Leighanne, there’s something I think you should know.”  I told her then caught myself quickly.  As I stared around the room the first thing that caught my eye was the unmade bed.  For a moment I felt faint as I tried to recollect my thoughts, but all I could envision was both of them sleeping together.

 

“Well,” she said sharply bringing me back to her attention.  “What is it?”

 

“I know about you and Ken!” I said quickly getting it out. 

 

She slowly stood up from the chair; the look on her face was priceless, till it became a menacing grin.  “And…?”  She asked carelessly turning back to the mirror as she brushed her hair.

 

That took me off guard.  She was supposed to have been shocked and uneasy.  “And…” I continued.  “I think you should be the one to tell Brian, because if you don’t I can assure you I will.”

 

She let out a sigh as if I was wasting every second of her precious time, and said.  “Brian already knows, deary.” 

 

“What?!?”  I asked surprised. 

 

“I said, Brian already knows.”  Her compact was in her hand, as she applied rouge to her cheeks making her face seem actually warmer and friendlier.  She laughed at the confused expression on my face.  “Isabelle, you are so naïve.  When are you going to get it through you’re head.  Brian is my man.  Whatever you believe you have or I should say had with him, it’s over I’m back home now, and he has me to play with….  What?”  She asked turning to face me.  “Do you actually think I would lose him to a little nobody like you?”  She added with a sarcastic laugh.

 

Her laugh actually stirred up something inside me.  Who the fuck did she think she was.  “Actually Leighanne, deary…” I said calling her as she’d called me.  “You’ve already lost him.  And the sad thing is, you lost him even before I came around.”

 

“Isabelle, what do you think, he’s going to fall in love with you, that he’s…”

 

“He already has!” I cut her off.  “He has fallen in love with me.”

 

This time when she laughed it sounded more like a cackle.  “Grow up, child.  You sound like one of those twelve year olds he encounters each day.  You are all infatuated!”

 

“I’m not one of those twelve year old fans you can toss around, or manipulate with your fake kindness.  What Brian and I have is serious.  And it has nothing to do with you.”

 

“Oh,” she said turning alarmed.  “But it does.  You see, Brian has known about Ken and I from the beginning.  He’s just too much of a boy to step up to Ken.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“The only reason Brian is CHEATING on me with you, is to get back at me.  It’s pure and simple revenge.”  She said dryly.

 

I could feel the sting behind my eyes as tears were dying to come out, but in front of her I wouldn’t let them.  I shook my head letting her know she was full of it.  “You’re really pathetic Leighanne.  Brian isn’t like that! He would never do that to me.”

 

She took a couple of steps towards me, forcing me to look where she pointed.  “Look!”  She said signaling to the wedding ring Brian had given to her.  “I’m his fiancée, he did it to me.  He just used you to get back at me.  Let me tell you something, Isabelle.  You remind me a lot of myself when I was you’re age.”

 

“We’re nothing alike!”  I spat back at her.

 

“Well, I think we are.  When I was younger I let everyone control me.  I did as everyone said, and the only person I didn’t let tell me what to do, was myself.  But once you take control, you’ll find that things will go you’re way.  I only slept with Ken to get one thing and one thing only.  A career.”  She admitted without shame.  “Ken Hasting is the director of the movie I am starring in.  He gives me what I want; I give him what he wants.  It’s a business deal just like any other, just that this one isn’t shook upon, well you get what I’m saying.”

 

“That you’re a slut.”  I said mockingly. 

 

 “See, you’re so sheltered, just like Brian.  He couldn’t understand it either but that’s the way things work in Hollywood.  If you want something bad enough, sometimes you have to take you’re clothes off.”

 

“You’re disgusting.”

 

“Well Isabelle, get over it.  And let it go you hear, stay away from my man!  I’ve worked to hard to lose Brian now.  And I don’t plan on letting him go to a nobody like you.  He’s going to marry me no matter what.  Who do you think tipped off the press?  Who do you think told them teen idol Brian Littrell was due to be married this fall” she said surprisingly smug with herself.

 

My mouth dropped and I couldn’t believe what she had just admitted to.  “How could you do that to him?”

 

“Like I already said.  He’s going to marry me, no matter what!” 

 

“How can you possibly say that you love him?”

 

“I do!”  She said but I didn’t know who exactly she was trying to convince me, or herself.  “I do love him, and he loves me and everything was going perfect till you came along.”

 

“Maybe there’s a reason for that.  Maybe you two don’t…”

 

“Oh spare me your nonsense.” She then walked back to the nightstand near the bed.  “Here…” she said throwing something at me.  “I believe this belongs to you.  Brian asked me to give that back to you, he would have given it back to you himself, if he didn’t need to actually make a legal contract binding you from coming in contact with him.”

 

I bent down and picked up the promise ring I had given to Brian for his birthday.  I wanted to pull her hair out!

 

“Get over it, Isabelle.  Brian did.”  She said looking at the ring with a twisted smile.

 

I turned around walking away.  I could feel the heat rising behind my neck, and on my face, as I turned red.  As I left their hotel room, I almost knocked Kristin over.  She was on her way to the conference.

 

“Whoa,” she said grabbing my arm. “What’s wrong with you?”  Then she realized the room I had come out of.  “Isabelle, what’s wrong? What happened?  What did you do?”

 

“Nothing!”  I yelled at her, though I didn’t mean to.  “I wish I had strangled her though.” 

 

“Please tell me you didn’t confront her.”  She said trying to look at my lowered face.  “Oh no, Isabelle.”  She said wrapping her arms around me. 

 

I lowered my head, and though I had a shoulder to cry on, I didn’t shed a tear.  “She gave me back Brian’s ring.”  I told them solemnly.   “The one I gave him for his birthday.”  I showed her the ring and then showed her its significance, by bringing out the one I carried around my neck.  It was looped around my chain. 

 

“Here,” Kristin said turning me around and taking the chain off.  “Brian’s gonna want this back soon.  Just keep it here for now.”  She took the ring and slipped it in with mine then she clipped the chain back around my neck.  “Don’t worry Isabelle, he loves you remember.  Leighanne has no idea what she’s in for.”

 

The conference room was packed.  There were reporters from all over the place.  Reporters from New York to the boy’s home town of Orlando, to our current residence LA were gathered around to view first hand this BSB conference.  This is amazing.  There were a few fans, very few that were standing all the way in the back. They were probably the children of either some of the press, or someone at the conference.  The chairs in the room were set up in two halves, so that there was a path down the middle.

 

Kristin and I took a seat in the second row on the right, next to Yvonne who kept eagerly looking at watch.

 

“Where’s Angelina?”  She asked more than once.  But none of us knew.

 

“Last I saw her she was changing in her room.”  Kristin informed us.  “Don’t worry, she’ll be here soon.”

 

But that didn’t seem to calm Yvonne down.  Kristin and I just shared a glance as we wondered what Lina was up to.  A couple of minutes later Leighanne walked into the room and she took a seat directly in front of me. 

 

The guys were brought out, which created a swarm of bright lights that came from the reporters and their cameras.  The room grew loud and the boys each took a seat up on the riser.  Nick, AJ, Kevin, Howie and Brian.  That’s the order they sat.  Brian was on the left, ironically my right.  I tried making eye contact with him, but he looked nervous.  Like this was the first time he’d ever done this. I have to admit I was nervous too.  I’m not sure why, but I’d bet anything it had to do with what had just happened between Leighanne and I. 

 

The speaker, Patrick Owen, came out and introduced the guys, like they actually needed introducing, but it was part of the session.  He also indicated the reason for the conference.  And though he put it, as “clearing up some issues” we all knew it was so that Brian could deny the so-called rumors of his engagement.  In order for the whole conference not to focus solely on Brian, Patrick also mentioned issues about the boy’s next album, and the current tour. 

 

“We are going to begin working on the new album this summer.”  Nick began.

 

“We want to work with different people on this new album, to give it an overall feel to it.”  AJ added.

 

“Well we’ve already started working on it,” Kevin corrected.  “We’ve each written and are writing songs that hopefully will be incorporated into the album.  But we will officially begin work on it in the summer.  We will be taking a small two-week break, then we will be heading to the Bahamas where we will work with various talented song writers. Such as Max Martin and Andrew Fromm.  Howie will be working with singer/song writer Babyface.  And we each, you know will have our own input on the up coming album.”  Kevin had a way of summing everything up, quickly.  It was no wonder they usually let him do the talking.

 

“We also want to integrate ourselves into the album, not just vocally but playing the background instruments and stuff too.”  Howie supported.  “Nick is awesome with the drums,” he said pointing towards Nick, who grinned, and Brian and Kevin are good too with, well Kevin with the piano as he shows us on this tour, and Brian with the guitar.”

 

I was still trying to make contact with Brian, but he had his head down and really didn’t seem like he wanted to be here.  He looked like he was dreading it all together.  I felt horrible for him.  I couldn’t wait for it to all be over.  I just wish I could have him tell me one more time; it was all going to be all right. 

 

  “Do you guys plan to do another tour to support the following album?”  A tall black man wearing a gray suite asked.

 

“We actually want to promote the next album and do a tour after it comes out.”  AJ said.  “But we’re still not sure how it’s all going to go with the new album and whatnot.”

 

The man sat down, and things grew silent for about a split second.  Though Patrick had tried his best too delay the matter, the media didn’t seem as interested in those things as they were in the real issue.

 

“Brian!”  One lady who was dressed in a navy blue business suit called out.  “You seem quiet there.  Could it be because you are trying to avoid the matter at hand?  Are you engaged Mr. Littrell.”  She asked making things act up again.

 

Brian looked startled at first, not expecting to be asked so brashly about the engagement.  Actually we were all startled.  You could tell by the look on Kevin’s face he wanted to be able to input into that question, but Brian was the only one who could handle it right now.  They’d singled him out.

 

“Brian!”  Another reporter called out.  “Are we to go with the whole ordeal making it out to be just another rumor?  Are you going to deny the allegations?”

 

All eyes fell on Brian as he looked up from his microphone that lay in front of him.  Immediately the first thing he looked at was me.  I was staring directly at him, as so was the rest of the room.  But he had his gaze fixed on me.  I think that the only thing that felt better than having his soft lips on mine, was gazing into his clear, blue eyes.  But this was the first time where a stroke of fear ran through my body when I did so. 

 

“Actually um…” Brian said as he spoke into the mic before he looked away from me.  “Actually no.  No I won’t be denying anything.  The engagement rumors are true.  I am engaged to my long time girlfriend, Leighanne Wallace.”

 

I saw Nick cover his face with his hands.  After that, I have no idea what happened, except that the room went absolutely wild.  Reporters from all over starting rushing the risers trying to get a picture, a word or anything more to print up on their morning newspaper, or in their teenybopper magazines.

 

I felt as if I could just collapse at any moment.  It almost felt like an outer body experience.  I was there at least my body was but I really wasn’t.  After his declaration Brian wouldn’t look at me.  More than anything I had ever wanted from him, now I wanted an explanation. I looked at Kristin for some support, but she seemed as distracted as everyone else.  I saw Kevin and Patrick share a glance and a smile.  Leighanne turned around in her seat.  A smile spread across her lips, which read, ‘I told you so’.  I felt an overwhelming urge to hit something come over me.  But instead my vision became blurred and warm tears poured from my eyes.  I couldn’t deal with it anymore.  I felt as if I was suffocating.  I had to get out.  I jumped out my seat, and left the room.  I heard someone call out my name behind me.  It must have been Kristin but I kept walking.  I made my way to Lina’s room.  She was the only person I could be with right now.

 

“Lina!”  I called out when I didn’t see her.  “Lina where are you!”  I yelled for her again.  I heard a racket coming from the bedroom, and I made my way towards it.  I opened the door, which was slightly ajar.  And when I saw her I practically gushed everything on her.  Except, she wasn’t paying any attention to me.

 

“Oh Lord! Lina are you listening to me!  Did you hear a word I said?  LINA!”  I yelled at her.  But she was too busy rummaging through her bag.  She was desperately looking for something.  “Lina what are you doing?”

 

“Have you seen them?”  She came to me as she grasped my arm.  “I can’t find them anywhere.  I know I left there right there.  I know I did.” 

 

I wiped the tears from eyes, and noticed she was crying as well.  Her mascara had run leaving a streak down her face, and her hair was all over her face, as it seemed she hadn’t brushed it since she washed it clean.  “Lina stop it, you’re scaring me.  What’s wrong?  What are you looking for?”

 

“I put them in an Advil bottle so you wouldn’t find them!  But now I can’t find them, Isabelle.  I need them.  I really need them!”

 

I couldn’t believe this was happening.  “I took them.”  I told her dryly.  “But Lina, I really need to talk to you.”  I could feel myself overwhelming with tears again.  “I really need…”  

 

“Where did you put them?”  She asked, brushing her hair away from her eyes with her hand.

 

“I don’t know.  I left them in my room I think.”  I told her, trying to regain my composure.  Obviously, Lina wasn’t going to be able to help me right now.  “Lina please just stop for a minute and…” but it was too late, she pushed herself past me and ran to my room.  I followed her, but by the time I got there she had found them in my bedroom, near the vanity table.  She was taking them.  “Lina stop it!  You’re addicted!”  I said as I ran up to her and smacked the bottle from her hand making her drop the pills on the floor. 

 

“Isabelle, shut up!”  She yelled back at me with anger.  “You just don’t get it, and you won’t either.  You don’t live with what I have to deal with every day and every night of my life!  So you stop it!  And just leave me alone.” 

 

Again, I felt as if air was literally being sucked out of my lungs.  I grabbed my Jansport, and left.

 

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