CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN-“Consider Well The Stream Where You’ve Been Fishing”

 

It took us about a week or so to get to Atlanta.  We could have flown, but these things are arranged so that the guys could take a little break between performances…a much-needed little break. 

 

Nick had gone back to his bus, and Leighanne, Kristin, and Lina kept traveling back and forth during the long bus ride.  But Lina was true to her word; she rarely left me alone, though I really didn’t mind her going over to visit with AJ.  That was the only time I had to myself.  Of course, I spent it trying to depress myself even further.  Every time I opened my journal, I told myself to just write.  But I couldn’t because all I wanted to write about was him.  So instead I spent it reading my own past excerpts.  Which by the way…were about him.

 

…The weirdest things been happening to me.  I met one of the Backstreet Boys, he was on the same flight Lina and I were one.  What a coincidence huh? He seems nice, though Brian is suppose to be the nice one of the group, or is that Howie  (I don’t know I always get it confused) Anyways, I think he was staring at me throughout our flight and every chance he’s gotten since we got to the tour.  And I know it should be flattering, but I can’t understand why he would be interested in me.  Besides, he has a fiancée, which I also met (I can’t say I like her very much) she’s very pretty, almost a bit too perfect.  He was thoughtful when it came to helping me put Lina to bed last night and I knew he could be trusted, but I really am not interested in him, but Kevin, he’s…

 

It ailed me to think that I put my trust in Brian so early on.  I turned the pages.

 

…came over and spent an entire morning with me.  He is so cute.  I think my feelings for him are real, and I think Kevin feels them for me too.  But Brian keeps getting in the way.  Why is he being so persistent of me!  He has a fiancée, which I’m guessing he loves because he is going to marry her soon.  Though tonight, they did have an argument.  I don’t think Nick likes her either.  She came over and asked to speak to Brian that was only minutes before Brian had tried to kiss me in the kitchen.  That was the second time he’d done that.  I have to admit though, when he looks down at me from the stage, I do wish one of them were singing at me.  But he has a girlfriend, what is Brian after…

 

I turned a couple of more pages.

 

…Who is Kristin!  And why is she staying with my Kevin!!!…

 

That passage actually brought a smile to my face.   I couldn’t believe how much I disliked Kristin in the beginning.  How should I have known she would soon become one of my most intimate friends.  I was really thankful for Kristin coming on the tour.

 

…and then it turned Leighanne’s hair all blue, I can’t believe Nick took the blame for that. Brian asked me to go to the MTV New Years Bash with him.  Leighanne won’t be here, and I know that I should say no.  But for some reason, out of the blue, I’ve been developing feelings for him.  I know I shouldn’t, and I blame him.  He shouldn’t be so insistent of me…

 

…he kissed me, in the middle of New York City, while the ball dropped declaring the new millennium, he kissed me, and I kissed him back.  A surge of feelings just came rushing towards me.  And even now as I sit here on my bed and write, I can’t wait to be back in his arms.  And that scares me.  We shouldn’t be together to begin with…

 

I turned a couple of more pages, it was difficult enough to read, without having the add on that my eyes were beginning to fill with tears.

 

…I’m in love with the most wonderful man.  Everybody loves him, and how couldn’t they, he’s perfect.  He was amazing with the little children at the hospital.  They surprised him for his birthday.  He almost cried.  I could have cried too as I watched him be so sweet to them.  It actually made me long for something more with him.  And I was glad that I had allowed him to make love to me the night before.  I’ve never felt so strongly about a person before.  Kristin even said I was glowing.  I trust him, and I know he means it when he says he only wants to be with me…

 

I didn’t realize I had let my tears escape till they began falling from my cheeks to the paper making the blue ink swell up. I closed the notebook.  I wasn’t going to be writing anything and there was no point in retelling a long, lost tale anymore.  I had so many questions I wanted to confront, but I knew it was better that I didn’t know.  No matter what was answered, I wouldn’t stop hurting. All I wanted to know now was how did you stop loving someone.

 

Kristin poked her head through my curtain.  “Are you ok in here?”

 

I wiped away at the tears, before looking at her.  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“You don’t look fine to me.”  She pursued.

 

“I am.  I just got something in my eye, that’s all.” 

 

“Oh Isabelle.  Do you really think Angelina and I believe you when you tell us you’re truly over Brian?  Do you think we don’t know this is why you hide in your bunk all day?”  She asked reaching for my notebook. 

 

I reached out for it but it was too late, she had it.

 

“Relax sweetheart.  I’m not going to read it.  But I know you’ve written down some very intimate things about you and Brian here.  And that’s not going to help you get over him.”

 

“Oh yeah?  And what is?” I asked with agitation. 

 

“Well first of all you need to stop dwelling in this bunk.  It’s the only four walls you’ve seen all week.”  She said motioning for me to get out of the bunk.  I did somewhat and sat up on it instead.

 

“Now, I think what you need is something to take you’re mind off of Brian.”  Kristin said.

 

“Or someone.”  Lina added with a huge smile as she stood up from her bunk.  “What happened with that Paul guy?  He was kinda cute.”

 

“Yeah well, I’m wasn’t interested.  And I know you guys are trying to help and all, but right now I’m not interested in that either.  I need to deal with this on my own.”

 

“What!”  Lina said.  “Nonsense.”

 

“Exactly.”  Kristin agreed with her.  “Otherwise, what are friends for?”

 

“Well, I’m just not interested in seeing someone else right now.”

 

Oddly enough Kristin and Lina looked at each other, I should have known they had something planned.

 

Kristin began…in a deep voice,  “Baby, I know you’re hurting…Right now you feel like you could never love again…now all I ask is for a chance to prove that…I love you.”

 

“Oh no!” I said.  “Please don’t.”

 

Lina smiled, took out some shades she was hiding behind her back, and began. “From the first day.  That I saw you’re smiling face honey I knew that we would be together forever.”

 

I reluctantly gave a small smile.  “Ok, that’s enough. I get your message”

 

“Ooh when I asked you out you said no but I found out, Darling that you been hurt, you felt that you’d never love again.  I deserve a try honey just once.  Give me a chance and I’ll prove him all wrong.”

 

“You walked in you were so quick to judge, but honey he’s nothing like me.”

 

“Ill never break your heart.  I’ll never make you cry.  I’d rather die than live without you.  I’ll give you all of me honey that’s no lie.” 

 

I couldn’t control the surge of tears that overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t believe how I was losing control of my emotions.  What was happening to me?

 

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry.”  Kristin said pulling back the curtain, as they both realized that  they had definitely chosen the wrong song to cheer me up with.

 

“Yeah Isa, I’m sorry too.  I know, we’re trying too hard…too soon, but we just want you to feel better.  I really hate seeing you like this.”

 

I wiped the tears and held my breath trying to see if that would calm the pain I felt in my heart.  I exhaled, and looked at them.  “All I want, is for it to be over.  The slightest thing that reminds me of him, and I’m like losing my mind.”  I said between breaths.  The tears coming down even stronger as I spoke.  “I can’t stop being in love with him.  It just hurts so much.”  I cried while Lina wrapped her arms around me.  “I wish I had never met him.”

 

“Isabelle, you’ll get over it, it’s gonna be hard, but you’ll get over him, and find someone else, someone who loves you and will make you feel like you want to give him your entire world.”

 

With those words Lina struck another cord in my heart.   I sighed, “You guys don’t understand, Brian was that person.”

 

“Isa, you’re young.  You’ll fall in and out of love…” Kristin stopped her as they realized my sobs became deeper.  I didn’t want to hear this.

 

I lay my now painfully, aching head on the pillow.  I felt Kristin’s hand softly comb through my hair.  “Isabelle, listen to me.”  She instructed, forcing me to turn my head around to face her.  “I know you don’t want to hear it, and I know you think you don’t care.  But the only way you’ll get over him is to ask yourself, what hurts the most.   And then confront that.”  She looked sternly into my eyes, letting me know she most definitely knew what she was talking about.  “And honey, you know you need to confront him.  He won’t go away till you do.”

 

I slowly turned my head back around to the wall, and I forced myself to calm down.  I felt like my head was about to explode.  I closed my eyes, and took deep, even, breaths.  Little by little, my headache began to diminish.  And the only ringing that was left were the words Kristin had spoken last.  He won’t go away till you do.  Just thinking about going up to Brian made me feel faint, but he wouldn’t go away till I did.  And though at on time, the last thing I would have wanted was for him to go away, right now it was the only solution for me.  I knew what I had to do.

 

Only a couple of hours had passed since we’d gotten checked in a hotel room, before I got the nerve to knocked on his door.

 

“Brian, can we talk?”  I said, as he opened the door wide for me to go through.  I had regained my composure from earlier today.  I was wearing blue jeans, with black, baby tee.  My hair was pulled back in a ponytail.  My face was swollen from all the crying I had done, but right now, the last thing I cared about was how he saw me.  “Is Leighanne here?”

 

The look on his face told me he was surprised to see me here. Actually I was surprised with myself as well.  But I was going to do this, and I was going to get through it.  He was going to answer my to me, I think I deserved at least that.

 

“Belle…I mean, Isabelle,” he said catching himself before I even had a chance to turn and face him.  “No, she’s not here…she went out with Kristin and Angelina about a half hour ago.”  How ironic I thought. 

 

“I need to talk to you, too.  I’ve been dying to speak to you for a while now. But I get the feeling you’re ignoring me.  Are you?” 

 

I disregarded his question, and asked him mine.  “What was it about me that made you choose me, Brian?  From the million of girls out there who would have taken less time to convince, you picked me…why?  You could have had any one of them.  But you decided to pick me.” I said my voice full of spite.

 

His face wrinkled in confusion.  “Isabelle, what’s wrong…what do you mean, I chose you?  Chose you how?”

 

“Brian, enough with the innocent act.  I know I’m naïve, and I’m definitely not as strong as I would like to be, but I’m not stupid.  I know the truth, and I think you owe it to me to explain yourself.”

 

“The truth?  Isabelle I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you sound like you need to relax.”  He said lightly yet confused.

 

“Don’t you dare tell me to relax.  Brian, you don’t know how much you’ve hurt me!”

 

“Hurt you?!?!  Isabelle, you know that’s the last thing I would ever do.  You know that.”  His voice sweet and sincere, as he took my hand into his…why I didn’t snatch it back is beyond me.

 

I turned around and looked directly into his eyes.  How did he manage to do that, his eyes were so honest, and I could have sworn he was telling me the truth.  But I wasn’t going to let myself fall for it again.

 

“Brian stop.”  I said as I calmly pulled my hand from his.  “I know the truth, and you can just stop lying, because…”  It was so hard for me to hide my emotions, my eyes always betrayed me, I wanted to be stern, to have complete control over this conversation, but it was just so hard.  I bit down on my lower lip to keep from crying. I felt that familiar swell in my throat lodge itself as I kept telling myself to be strong.

 

“Isabelle, what is it?  You look like you’re about to fall apart.  Why do you think I lied to you?  What exactly are you talking about?  Please, just tell me, what did I do?”

 

His false absentmindedness was making me angrier than I already was, which was good.  At least I was angry, and not bawling my eyes out in front of him.  “Brian, stop the act!  I know you used me to get back at your girlfriend or fiancée…or whatever you want to call her!”  I yelled.

 

“WHAT?!?”

 

I continued.  “Brian, I know everything.  I know you lied to me, I know you used me to get even with her, and I know that these were your intentions.  You never really cared about me.  And what we had was all just a game to you.  For now, I can accept that…somewhat.”  I lied.  I mean, I had to face it.  I couldn’t force him to want to be with me.  “I just want to know why me?  Was it the fact that I was inexperienced?  That I didn’t know all that much about…about love or sex?  Was it because in a few months I’d be gone and you wouldn’t have to think about me ever again?  Did I just make it easier on you, did I just make it easier on you to take advantage of me?”

 

His jaw dropped, and he didn’t answer, instead he looked at me as if I had just slapped him in the face.  I waited for his reaction.  But he didn’t say anything.  He slowly walked himself over to a chair, and sat down.  He ran one hand through his fine, light brown hair.  He sat there staring idly at the floor.  He wasn’t trying to face me. 

 

“Brian, why did you just…”

 

“Isabelle.”  He cut me off.  He slowly lifted his head so his gaze met mine. And he asked.  “Do you actually believe all those things you just said?”

 

He’d caught me off guard.  Of course I believed what I had just said…though deep down inside I never wanted it to be true.  “Yes Brian, I do and if they weren’t then why…”

 

I stopped mid sentence, not because he cut me off with words, but because of the look on his face…why did he look so hurt?  He was the bad one here.  Why did I feel I’d just made a mistake?

 

I could tell he was trying hard not to shake.  And immediately as if out of tendency, my heart cried out to him.  But I kept that where it initiated…inside.  I wasn’t here to show him pity.  I was here to find out the truth.  If he would only give me a solid answer, I would then let myself move on.  Right there and then, I didn’t care if he thought I’d been a mistake in his life or if he for some reason now had second thoughts about what had happened between us.  I just wanted to believe that I hadn’t been fooled, that he in fact was the person I always thought he was.  That I wasn’t the one who’d made the mistake…when I had fallen in love with him.

 

“Alright Isabelle, if that’s what you think then fine.”  He finally answered, his voice almost as low as a whisper.  “But I don’t understand something, why did I need to get back at Leighanne?”  He asked.  Now he was looking straight at me, and I could see something was wrong, seriously wrong.

 

I slowly considered the bewildered look in his eyes.  That’s when the Truth hit me…hard. 

I gasped.  “Oh no, Brian, you don’t now, do you?” 

 

“Isabelle, know what?”  He asked his voice pretty emotionless.  He seemed drained.

 

“She told me you did and I believed her and when you said you would be marrying her…oh my God…you don’t even know.”  I said almost to myself.  His eyes grew even denser, wondering what I was talking about.  “Brian, Leighanne was cheating on you.”

 

When I said those words, the look in his eyes scared me, it was he who looked as if he was about to cry now.  But what he said, took me by surprised.

 

“Isabelle…I think you’re confused.” He said effortlessly.

 

“How so?” I asked, not sure what was right and what was wrong anymore. 

 

He turned away almost as if he wasn’t able to utter the words.  “Isabelle, I’m the one that cheated on Leighanne, I’m the one who had the affair.  Not her.  She’s innocent in all of this.” 

 

“Brian, she is cheating on you.”  I reiterated.  “And for your information she is far from innocent!”

 

“Isabelle, don’t do this.” He pleaded.

 

“Brian I’m not lying!  She told me so herself.”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Oh my God, no Brian.  She is cheating on you.  She is.”  I stressed, running to the floor by his side trying to convince he wasn’t the only one at fault here. “She cheated on you with some guy from her movie, a director, or producer or something.  Somebody by the name of Ken, Brian I know she…”

 

“ISABELLE, THAT’S ENOUGH!  Stop making things up!”  He cried as his fist came down hard on the table.  Making everything jump.  This was the first time he had ever taken this kind of tone…with me.

 

It took me by surprise, and I couldn’t help but let the well of tears come out.  “Brian, I’m not lying to you.”  I said earnestly looking up to meet his eyes, which he had shifted once again away from me.  It felt like forever as I waited for him to say something else, or do anything at all.  I was done.  I couldn’t convince him any further. How had it come down to this?  Before I came in here, he was the one that had hurt me…now I felt indifferent.  .  Why did it feel as if things were being turned around?  It hurt to look at him, just because of the watery film that had formed over his blue eyes.

 

“Isabelle, I think you should leave.”

 

“Brian, please don’t push me away.  I was wrong not to believe in you, but there are so many things that are left unanswered in my head.  But you have to trust me, please.  I know I’m not wrong about this, I know…”

 

“Isabelle, now…just go.”

 

Without saying another word, I slowly rose from the floor; he didn’t once turn to look at me as I silently left his room.  Tears, streaming down both our faces

 

 

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