CHAPTER THIRTY NINE-“10,000 Lies… 1 Last Cry”

 

“How did you get this?  This is supposed to be strictly confidential.  Shouldn’t it be in a file somewhere?” I cried.

 

He simply shook his head as he sat back down.  “Sit down.  Let me explain.”

 

“Yes Kevin.  Someone seriously needs to explain to me what’s been going on around here.  Especially when it revolves around me!”

 

Calmly he said.  “It doesn’t revolve around you, Isabelle.  You’re just a part of it.”

 

I slowly sat down; I could feel my headache returning.  “Kevin, just tell me the truth.  Everything, from beginning to end.  I just don’t think I can take anymore.”

 

Kevin sighed as he nodded.  I had a feeling it was going to be hard for him to say what he had to say and it was going to be hard for me to hear it.

 

“Isabelle, the reason I had that contract is because,” he turned away as he said this.  “It’s false documentation’s.”

 

I looked down at the sheets in front of me.  I flipped them over one by one.  There was my signature along side Brian’s.  Below that was a seal.  I looked back up at Kevin, he still wasn’t looking at me.  “Kevin, I don’t understand.  These were the paper’s Mr. Owen made me sign.  He said Brian had asked that I sign them so that I would keep my distance from him.” 

 

Again he nodded. 

 

“But Kevin, look.  There’s Brian’s signature.  It was all a restraining order so I would keep away from Brian until after the conference.  Brian asked for this.” 

 

“I know what they are Isabelle.  But like I already said, they’re fake.”

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY’RE FAKE!”  I cried. 

 

Startled by my outburst Kevin looked my way.  “Isabelle, I’m sorry but that contract never existed.  Brian never requested that you be kept away from him, at all.  On the contrary he wanted nothing more than to be with you.”

 

“Then why?” I managed to choke out. Why was everything so complicated. 

 

“It was all a plot.”  He shook his head as he spoke.  “A publicity slash decoy that I’m very sorry to say I was a part of.”  He said apologetically looking into my eyes.  “That piece of document was created by myself, Patrick Owen…and Leighanne.”

 

I looked up.  “Leighanne?” 

 

“Isabelle, I’m going to be honest with you.  When I found out about you and Brian, I was extremely angry with you but particularly with Brian.  I thought he was screwing up his life by having an affair with someone he had just met.  Especially when he was engaged to be married in a couple of months.”

 

“That still didn’t give you the right to do this.”  I said holding up the document.

 

“I know.  But let me finish.  When Brian said he wanted to call off the wedding, I thought he was insane.  He’d been with Leighanne for two years now and we all knew they would end up together.  He loved her.”

 

I shook my head, but I let him continue.

 

“I thought he was doing all this out of nervousness.  Maybe he was getting cold feet or maybe he just wasn’t sure if Leighanne was the one, so he needed to experiment a little before he got married.”

 

“Kevin…”

 

“No wait.  Please, just let me explain myself.”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“Bottom line is Isabelle, I didn’t think Brian knew what he was doing and I didn’t want to see him throw his life away as well as his career, just because he was confused.  When Brian asked to have a conference so he could deny the rumors he called Patrick Owen down and Patrick agreed with me.  We knew that if it got out that Brian had cheated on his soon to be wife then that would ruin him…not to mention the rest of us.  We explained the situation carefully to Brian.  He had to stay with Leighanne but Brian was set on his decision.  So between Brian, Leighanne and Patrick, they came up with a deal.  Brian wouldn’t break up with Leighanne at the conference just to save face.  Instead he had Patrick create a contract stating that he would stay with Leighanne till the end of the tour.  Then they would break up, come up with a false statement for the public saying it just wasn’t working out and then they would go on their separate ways.”

 

As I sat there silently taking in what Kevin was telling me, I couldn’t believe how deceiving it all sounded and all just to save an image.

 

“So Patrick created the contract which Leighanne did indeed sign, but he also created another contract, the false contract.  That was Leighanne’s idea.  She convinced me that if she had enough time, she could get Brian to his senses again but she needed to get you out of the picture.  So I agreed to be a part of it.  Brian asked Patrick that you be informed of the plan.  That he would tell the press he would be marrying Leighanne, but it was all a lie and at the end of the tour their relationship would be declared over.  But we never told you this.  Between the three of us we got you to believe the opposite.  That Brian was no longer interested in you, that he wanted nothing more to do with you and making you believe that Brian had personally asked you’d be kept away from him was the ideal plan.  Brian’s signature on that is a fake.  Leighanne signed off as him.”

 

I looked down at the signature he was referring to.

 

“Isabelle, I’m sorry for doing this to you.”  He said as he looked over at me.

 

I slowly lifted my head to look back at him. His face was remorseful and I could tell he was truly sorry.

 

I tried to think back to the day this was signed.  Everything seemed to have been falling apart those few days.  The conference had been a nightmare.  And Leighanne, what a conniving witch.  I had been a fool to have believed one word she’d said.   I felt horrible for taking it all out on Brian.  How stupid of me!

 

“Isabelle.  I really am sorry.  I know how unfair this all was to you.”

 

“And to Brian.”  I added.

 

“Yeah, to him too.  I just didn’t want him making a regretful mistake.”

 

“Like you did.”  I spat out, but I quickly realized I was being too harsh on Kevin.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it the way it came out.”

 

“No it’s alright, I deserve that.”

 

“Kevin, I forgive you.  But you have to tell all this to Brian.”

 

“I will.  When he gets back from the courthouse.  I will.”

 

“What’s he doing at the courthouse.”  I immediately asked.

 

Kevin looked up at me, as if he’d just told me something he wasn’t suppose to.

 

“Isabelle, I don’t know how to tell you this, but he’s getting the paper’s for a prenup.”

 

“A what!”

 

“A Prenuptial Agreement.  It’s a piece of…”

 

“Kevin I know what it is!  But why is he getting that, I thought they weren’t getting married.”

 

“They are Isabelle.  I thought you knew.  He told me he’d made the decision after having talked to you yesterday.”

 

I shook my head.

 

“He said that after your confrontation yesterday he realized he had made a terrible mistake.  Isabelle, he couldn’t believe you would reduce to lying to him.”

 

“What!”  I cried as I brought my hands to my mouth.  “Kevin he can’t marry her!  She’s a fake, she’s the one who’s lying.  Kevin you have to tell him, please.  He won’t believe me.  I already tried.”  I said as I tried to choke back the tears demanding to get through.

 

Kevin got up from his seat and knelt down in front of me.  “Isabelle, I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do.”

 

“You can tell him the truth!”  I yelled.

 

“I will.  But that won’t change his mind about anything.  Isabelle, you have to understand.  I think he realized he was wrong before and even thought it was dishonest what I did, I was right.  Brian loves Leighanne and she loves him.”

 

“Kevin she cheated on him!”  I cried out at him will getting up from the seat.  “She cheated on Brian just to get a role in a stupid movie!”

 

Kevin got up and looked at me as if I was blasphemous.  “Did you tell Brian that?”

 

“Yes, yesterday but he wouldn’t believe me Kevin, he thought I was making it all up.”

 

“Can you blame him?  That sounds ridiculous Isabelle.  Leighanne wouldn’t do that, besides he’s the one that cheated on her.”

 

“YES!  I know everyone seems to focus on that!  He cheated on her with me.  And I’m sorry if I could take it all back I would but I can’t.  We should have never been dishonest about it.  But she also cheated on him! And I know this and…and…” I ran to his side and took hold of his hand.  “Kevin, you have to help me convince Brian, he doesn’t believe me and he’s going to make a horrible mistake marrying her.”

 

“Isabelle, it’s his decision.  Besides, I’m not too sure I believe what you’re telling me.”

 

“What if…what if I proved it to you…would you help me then?”  I begged.

 

“Isabelle, how can you possibly…”

 

“What if she admitted to it herself.  What if somehow we got her to confess all this to you?  What if you confronted her and told her you knew what she had done…somehow get her to tell you it herself.  Then would you tell him?” 

 

He looked at me with doubt.  “Isabelle, I don’t think I like the idea of accusing Leighanne like that.  She just never seemed like a deceitful person to me.”

 

“She got you to create that phony contract didn’t she?  That sounds like a mistrusting person to me.”

 

He thought about it for a moment.  “Yes, well how do I know to trust you.  I mean, here you are plotting against her.”

 

I guiltily looked away.  He was right, I was plotting against her.  But this was different; I knew it was.

 

“You know what Kevin, you’re right. I guess I am stooping down to her level.”  I slowly let go of his hand and backed away from him.  “The only difference is, I’m trying to expose the truth…she was trying to hide it.”

 

I sat nervously on the kitchen counter as Lina, Yvonne, and my father worked out a schedule that Lina could follow after the tour was over.  She would be taking routine trips to New York to meet with my dad.  But they didn’t need to be frequent, Lina was doing so much better now.  Ever since that night, she had been having less nightmares, if any at all.  And now that she was open about it, it wasn’t building up inside her anymore.  

 

I heard a knock on the door.  “I’ll get it!”  I cried jumping off the counter and quickly running to the door. 

 

“Hi Isabelle.”

 

“Kristin, hi.  Are they done?” 

 

“Yeah, I just saw Matthew walking out of the room.  The meetings over.”

 

“Thanks Kristin.”  I said closing the door behind me. 

 

Matthew Cook was a producer from FOX 5, he had come to offer the boys an airtime deal.  They wanted to film live the last concert of the tour and air it on national television.  They had gone into AJ’s room earlier this afternoon and the meeting lasted for over two hours.  But now that it was over, I needed to once again speak to Brian.  This time, I had proof.

 

“Hey Isabelle,”  AJ greeted when he opened his door.

 

“Hi, is Brian still here?”  I asked.

 

“Yeah, he’s right over there.”

 

I walked in, my stomach in knots.  The Backstreet Boys were the only one’s in the room.  Brian was sitting with Nick on the couch watching TV and Howie was sitting next to them, talking on the phone.  I saw Kevin looking over some papers, no doubt the legal documents the producer had left for them, immediately all eyes were on me.     

 

“Hi, um Brian, can I talk to you for a minute.”

 

“Sure.”  He said casually, but then turned his attention back to the television.

 

“Oh, well I kinda meant in private.”

 

“You guys can talk here if you want, Isabelle.  We’ll leave.”  AJ said.  He was still standing near the door.  “Come on guys.”

 

“No, it’s ok, AJ.”  Brian said quickly before anyone had the chance to get up.  “Whatever Isabelle has to say, I’m sure she can say it in front of all of us.  Right?”  He asked looking at me.

 

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.  I really didn’t want to do this in front of everyone.

 

“Brian, I think she would feel more comfortable if…” Kevin said trying to help.

 

“And I would feel more comfortable if she said what she had to say here.  In front of you guys.  No secrets, no lies.”  He said, stressing the last part as he looked over back at me.

 

Be patient with him Isabelle.  “Ok, Brian.  If that’s what you want, then fine.  No secrets, no lies.”

 

Brian nodded.  “That’s all that I want from you.” 

 

Nick went back to watching the television and Howie had hung up the phone and did the same as Nick.  I saw AJ walk to where Kevin was and look over the papers as well.  But I knew I was still the main attraction.     

 

“I…I want to continue the conversation we were having yesterday.”  I began.

 

“That conversation is over, Isabelle.  I already told you, I don’t want to hear any more lies.”

 

I blushed as everyone looked at me again.  I could tell they all felt uncomfortable witnessing this.

 

“Brian, I wasn’t lying when I told you …when I told you that Leighanne was cheating on you.”

 

Nick and Howie both sat up and looked from Brian back to me, a look of astonishment on both their faces.  Nick’s eyebrows were wrinkled in confusion.  And I could tell just by the look on Howie’s face, he felt sorry for me.

 

Brian looked down at the floor.  I couldn’t believe how heated he could get.  I could see through the opening of his shirt, that his chest and neck were red.  “Isabelle, don’t start this again.  I’m not going to believe such an idiotic thing.”

 

“Brian, she did!  She did!  And I can…”

 

“No Isabelle.  Stop it!  Leighanne has done nothing wrong!  She’s not the one who cheated.  I did…remember.  You cheated and I cheated!  She’s the one who got cheated on.  I hurt her!”

 

“Brian, please don’t say that…”

 

“It’s the truth.  I’m not going to lie to myself like you are. I cheated on her with you, Isabelle.  And though you’re not fully to blame for that.  I am.  And I have to live with that for the rest of my life…with her.  I’m going to be with her.  We’re getting married.”

 

I looked away.  His words were like a slap on my face that brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn’t believe this was the same person.  I held back the urge to run out and let him live his life with her.  I shook my head.  “Brian…no, please.  Just listen to…”

 

“Isabelle!  What, do you think?  That by you telling me this I’m going to get back together with you. It just makes my choice a whole lot clearer.  You can continue your life but I have to live mine with the guilt that I mislead the most important person in my life.”

 

“No, Brian!”  I cried as my tears streamed down my face.  “You told me you didn’t love her anymore…you said...”

 

“Isabelle, I’m sorry but what we had was a mistake.  I was confused.”  He slowly said turning away from me.   “I should have never led you to have an affair with me and I’m sorry to you for that.”

 

“It was not a mistake!  It wasn’t.  I know it wasn’t.  And when we were together you couldn’t bring yourself to call it an affair.  It was more than that Brian!  How could I have possibly fallen in love with you, if you weren’t being true with me!”

 

“Isabelle, don’t drag this any further.  Don’t embarrass yourself here.”

 

“I’m not embarrassing myself here, Brian Thomas Littrell.  You are!”  I said coming forward.  “I’m not lying to you about Leighanne.  If you want, I can prove it to you!”

 

Everything went silent.  Brian’s eyes pierced into mine.  “How do you plan on doing that?”  He asked.

 

I reached into my pocket and pulled out Nick’s voice emulator.  Everyone started at me with curiosity.  “On here I have a full confession from her.  A full confession stating that she did in fact cheat on you, Brian.  She doesn’t even know it was recorded.”

 

Brian looked at me.  His expression was of curiosity as he stared at the emulator in my hand.

 

“Well?”  I asked bringing his eyes back up to mine.  “Don’t you want to at least hear it?”   

 

He hesitated at first, but then said.  “Go ahead, play it.”

 

I nodded and handed him the emulator.  “Here, why don’t you do it.”

 

He gradually reached for the emulator never once taking his eyes away from me.  He pressed play.

 

“What do you mean tell him?  What Brian doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

 

“He’s going to find out anyway, Leighanne.  He’s not blind, he’ll see right through you.  How long do you think you’ll be able to keep this from him.”

 

“Till at least after the wedding.  That’s all that matters.  Once we’re married he can’t back out of it.”

 

“He’ll ask you for a divorce.”

 

She laughed.  “What, and ruin his precious image, as the good, squeaky clean Backstreet Boy.  Oh, what would his fans think of him then.”

 

“Leighanne you cheated on him.”

 

“I did it to get a job!  It’s not like he didn’t cheat on me!”

 

Click went the emulator as Brian pressed the stop button.  He looked up at me and I knew what he was about to say.

 

“This doesn’t prove anything, Isabelle.  The voices on here all sound the same.” The doubt was already in his voice.

 

Of course they did, Nick’s emulator made everything sound distorted to fit the Scream character.

 

“Isabelle, for all I know you could have gotten someone else to say these things, you could have even done both the voices yourself.  How do I know that the other voice on there actually is Leighanne’s?” 

 

“Because Brian,” I said simply.  “None of the voices on there are mine.”

 

“Then who is Leighanne talking to?”  Brian asked mystified.

 

“Me.”

 

Everyone’s eyes shifted finally from me, to Kevin.

 

“I’m the one who confronted Leighanne and I’m the one who recorded her confession.”

 

Brian looked from Kevin to me, then back to Kevin.  “But why?”

 

“Brian, I didn’t want to believe Isabelle at first, but she was right.  She isn’t lying.  Leighanne is cheating on you.”  Kevin told him.

 

Brian shook his head in confusion. 

 

“Brian don’t you see.”  I said.  “She was lying to you.  She cheated on you.  And regardless of how guilty you feel for having done the same to her, it still doesn’t eliminate the fact that she cheated.”

 

Brian looked down at the floor.

 

I walked around the small table that stood between Brian and me, and I knelt down beside him.  “Brian, you can choose to marry her if you want, but just know you both weren’t being honest with each other.  And that’s a terrible way to go into a marriage.”  I gently lifted his head so I could gaze into his eyes.  “You once told me the reason you didn’t want to be with her was because you didn’t love her like you once had.  You can choose to justify the fact that she cheated by countering with your own trespass.  But if you don’t feel it’s right here.”  I said pointing to my head.  “How can you ever justify it in here.”  I said taking my hand and placing it over his heart, as he once had done to me.

 

I sat by myself back in my room. Lina and AJ decided to treat both my dad and me out to dinner before tonight’s concert.  But I really wasn’t in the mood for it and they understood.  Besides it still hadn’t stopped pouring outside.  The sky looked dingy and miserable and not a single star could be seen.  I stared out the window looking at cars and limos as they pulled up to the hotel to drop people off or pick them up.  At one point, I saw a black Lexus drive up to the entrance and wait for it’s passenger.  It looked like the one from this morning, but I doubted it.

 

After Brian left AJ’s room, we all assumed he’d gone to question Leighanne.  He had taken the emulator with him, not that it would have helped for her to deny it.  While I was there, Kevin told him about the false contract that they’d made me sign and about how I had not known what was going to happen at the conference.  Brian felt hurt that Kevin would do that to him, but Kevin apologized endlessly.  And in the end blood is always thicker than water.

 

I saw two familiar faces come out of the hotel and head for the Lexus.  Ironically, it was Brian and Leighanne.  He was holding up the umbrella again for her, but this time his other hand was no where near her body.  They spoke briefly before she tried to give him a kiss, but he turned away.  I could tell she was in tears.  And his face looked solemn.  Brian held open the car door for her, but unlike this morning only she got in.  Then the car drove off.

 

As if he knew I was watching, Brian looked towards the window on our floor.  I don’t think he saw me but soon after he entered the hotel there was a knock on my door.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

I moved aside to let him through. 

 

He walked all the way in and took a moment before turning around to face me.   We both just stood there motionless before either one of us said anything.  His usually transparent blue eyes looked dull, something they’ve never done before and his face looked apprehensive.

 

“I guess you can probably figure out why I’m here.”  He started off.

 

I looked away.  “I don’t know.  These days it’s hard to tell which way things are going.”

 

“I know you hate me right about now.”

 

“Brian, I don’t hate you.”  I said once again looking at him. 

 

“You don’t?  Cuz right now I’m really hating myself.”  When I didn’t respond he sighed and began to pace back and forth.  “Isabelle, you can’t begin to imagine how horrible I feel right now.”

 

“I think I have a pretty good idea.”

 

“I don’t even know how to come out and say this.”  He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to pace.  “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.  I don’t blame you if you don’t give it to me.”

 

“Why don’t you let me decide that?”  I told him. 

 

“I don’t know…I’m sorry for so much, Isabelle. I can’t believe how things got so out of hand.  Kevin told me what happened before the conference back in LA.  Isabelle, I had no idea they were doing what they did.  I would have never allowed them to…”

 

“I know.”  I told him.  “You don’t have to explain.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I feel like I do. Kevin called management a couple of minutes ago and that Patrick Owen guy is gone.  He’s been fired.  He had no right to do what he did.”

 

I simply nodded.  I would have liked to see the expression on Patrick’s face when he found out he’d been fired.  I’m sure it would have been priceless.

 

“She’s gone too.”  He said referring to Leighanne.  “Right now she’s in a cab to her mom’s house.  She seemed devastated, but she didn’t deny it.”

 

Again I nodded.  Maybe she was a good actress.

 

He just oddly stared at me.  I knew he was trying to read me, know what I was thinking… feeling, but how could he, too much had happened too fast.  I felt numb about the entire situation now.  I wasn’t thinking anything, and I definitely wasn’t feeling it.  I was just glad that things were finally over.  Brian knew the truth, I knew the truth, and the tour would be ending soon.  It was just over.

 

“Brian, about what you said back in the room.  I just wanted to say…”

 

His eyes went wide as if he had just recalled a horrible nightmare.  “Oh my God, Isabelle.  I’m so sorry for putting you on the spot like that.  I don’t know what came over me.”

 

I nodded, “Yes Brian, but you do know that…”

 

“No, I shouldn’t have done that.  I was being a jerk.  I should have believed you when you first told me.  I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s alright, Brian.  You were just confused.  I completely understand.”

 

“I can’t believe what an idiot I was being.   Isabelle, just tell me, how can I ever make it up to you.  I’ll do anything.”  He begged.

 

“Brian, you don’t have to make it up to me.  Really, I do understand, at least now that I know everything.  Besides, it’s not like I had much faith in you when I thought you had been the one lying to me.”

 

“But that’s different, Isabelle.”  He said coming closer to me.  “You were confused too.  Everyone was lying to you.  You didn’t know who to trust.”

 

“I should have trusted you.”  I said.

 

With somewhat of an uncertainty he wrapped his arms around me.  “It’s ok, Belle.  It’s over.”

 

I hugged him back.

 

“Oh God.”  He sighed as he held me tighter.  “I’ve missed you so much.

 

“I’ve missed you too.”

 

“I’m so glad we can be together again.”

 

 Alarming both him and myself, I slowly let go of his embrace. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I don’t know…” I lied.

 

“Please tell me you still want to be with me.”  He said trying to scan my face for any sign of indecision.

 

“I don’t know, Brian?  I mean, yes. I did want to get back with you….at first.  But now, now everything seems different.  I’m unsure right now.”  I couldn’t believe I was saying this.  After all I went through to prove to him that he didn’t belong with the girl he had been planning on marrying I was now unsure if I was the one.

 

“You’re still the only one I want to be with.”  He told me. 

 

“But Brian, what about everything you said in AJ’s room.  What about…”

 

“I thought you said you understood.  Isabelle, I didn’t know what I was thinking I…I wasn’t thinking at all!

 

“Brian, I do understand it, but I can’t forget it.  I’m sorry, but you said you still loved her.”

 

“Isabelle I wasn’t thinking correctly.  Please, don’t hold that against me.”

 

“Brian, I don’t know what to tell you…I mean, just this morning you were writing up a prenuptial agreement.  You were still going to marry her, Brian.  You still wanted to be with her then.”

 

“I didn’t know the truth then.  But now I do.  I swear to you, she’s gone; she’s out of my life.  She and I didn’t belong together, I can see that now, we didn’t make any sense together.  But you and I, we…”

 

“Brian don’t...” I pleaded.

 

“Don’t what, Isabelle.  Say that we made perfect sense.  That you and I were perfect together.”

 

“Brian, it’s not even that.”  I told him. 

 

“Then what is it?

 

“I don’t know, it’s a lot of things.”

 

“Then name them one by one and I’ll dispute each and every one of them.”

 

“Brian, to be honest with you, I don’t know what I want.”

 

“Right now I’m praying it’s me.”  He softly whispered, the teary glare in his eyes causing mine to water. 

 

“Brian, in the time we were apart, when everything around me changed in the course of a second, all I wanted desperately was to be back in your arms.”

 

“I swear, I’ll never leave your side again...” 

 

I shook my head.  “You’re not listening to me.  When you weren’t with me it felt like I would fall apart…I couldn’t stand it, Brian.  I was driving everyone around me, including myself crazy because I couldn’t be with you.  I don’t ever want to be so dependant of anyone ever again.”

 

“Something like this will never happen again.  I promise you, I will never allow anything to hurt you again.”

 

“I don’t want to continue where we left off.  I don’t think our relationship was based on complete honesty.”

 

“Isabelle, we only lied to those around us.  We were always honest with each other.”

 

I looked down. “Brian, please try to understand.”

 

Brian turned around and walked over to the window.  He stared out into nothing because it had become pitch dark outside and the rainy weather had created a dense veil of fog that impaired everything in its way.

 

“Isabelle, tell me one thing?”  He said still at the window looking out.  He had an arm over his head leaning against the sill and another one against the glass.  “I fucked up didn’t I.?”

 

I brought my hand to my mouth to cover the cries that wanted to escape.  “Brian, no…you…I,” I was at a lost for words all I could say was, “I’m sorry Brian, I can’t.” 

 

Quickly Brian rushed over to my side wrapping his arms around me as I finally let my tears flow.  He held me firmly in his arms, inundating his head into the crevice of my neck.  “Isabelle, I swear, I didn’t mean a word in that room.  I didn’t know what I was talking about.  I wasn’t thinking straight.  I was lost, confused…”

 

“That’s exactly why I can’t go back to being with you, Brian.”  I said gently pushing myself out of his arms.  “You say you were confused, but I know for a fact that you were confused from the beginning.  We rushed into things, Brian.  We were dishonest, and we hastily went into a relationship that had no right to exist.  You were right back in that room, we both cheated.  We cheated ourselves out of what could have been if we’d done things differently. All those things you said in that room were partially true, and you said them because you knew they were true.  Deep down you feel guilty over what you did.”

 

“But I don’t.  I’ll feel worse if I lose you.  How can you just ask me to put aside what I feel for you?  How can you put aside what you said you felt for me?”

 

“Brian how can you tell me one thing, and then later tell me another.”  I looked at his tear filled eyes.  “Don’t lie to yourself, Brian.  You’re still confused.”

 

“No, I’m not.  Not anymore.  Please don’t bring up what I said before.  I swear to you.”  He literally got down on his knees at my feet.  “I swear Isabelle, I didn’t mean a word of that.  Please don’t deny me, Isabelle.  I promise this time it will be ten times better.”

 

“We thought it was perfect before, Brian.  Please try to understand…I just can’t.”

 

It felt like eternity as he sat by my feet and cried.  I slowly bent down next to him and I wrapped my arms around him.  His head resting on my chest as he carelessly wept.  But how could I cave.  How was I sure that this time he knew that what he wanted truly was me?  How did I know that in his heart he still didn’t hold feelings for Leighanne?  Not more than an hour ago had he sent her away.  I couldn’t deal with things falling apart for me again.  It took everything out of me the first time I lost him.  I couldn’t go back to him, not knowing if he was certain this was what he wanted.

 

“Brian, just at least think about what you want.  What you truly want.  Let some time pass before you jump into things again.  I don’t know what else to say, but I’m sorry, Brian.  I need some time too.”

 

He looked up at me, leaned over and kissed my lips…barely grazing the surface.  He then stood himself up, and walked over to the door, my eyes following his every move.  “Belle, I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through but always know, that I do love you.  If it makes you feel better, I’ll think about things, but just know that I don’t have to think about anything.  I know what I want, I want you.”  After those words, he left.

 

I continued to stare at the door in a daze, before I realized he was truly gone.  I slowly walked back to the window.   The rain had slowed down a bit and now it was just drizzling.  People outside were still getting in and out of cars and the world was still turning.  I spent the rest of the night looking out that window…in the hotel room… alone.

 

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