CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR- “Tarnished Dreams”

Lina was silent for a while.  Seemed like she was hesitating.

 

“It’s ok, Lina.”  Kristin said urging her on.  “Just start at the beginning.

 

She slowly opened her eyes, and said.  “Okay, well, I guess it all started when my mom got this new boyfriend.  My real mom isn’t someone you would call, stable.  She had many issues, especially with herself.  She’d had many boyfriends after her and my dad got separated, but none were as young as him.  I liked him compared to the others though, maybe cuz he was younger and paid more attention to us or maybe it was because he made her the happiest.”  She stopped for a moment and just sat there in silence.  Even though her eyes were wide open, she wasn’t really alert.

 

She hesitated again, but soon she continued.

 

“He didn’t treat us like he wanted to be our father and we liked that.  All the rest immediately took on that role.  Telling us what to do and how to act.  We didn’t want a father.  We already had one.  Instead he was like one of us. He was pretty cool, he’d take me and my brothers places, and he was really close to us.  Maybe a little too close. …” 

 

Again, she stopped. 

 

“Is that all, Lina?”  Kristin asked her.  “Is there anything more you want to tell us?”

 

Lina took a deep breath in, and said.  “No, there’s more.”

 

“Do you want to tell us about it?” I asked her.

 

“No…wait.  Yes I do.  I need to.”

 

I smiled, knowing we were doing the right thing.  “Go ahead, Lina.  You can tell us.  You can trust us.  We want to help.”

 

“Sometimes…” she started up again.  “Sometimes he'd touch me inappropriately but…”

 

“Isabelle, that’s it.  I think we know where she’s heading with this.  Make her stop.”  AJ outburst.

 

“No AJ.  She needs to let it out.  She needs to let go of it.”  I told him.

 

“Isabelle, make her stop!”  He said it again, his tone strictly a command.

 

“Isabelle’s right, AJ.  As hard as this is, it’s doing more help than harm.”

 

AJ shook his head, but he stayed quiet.

 

Kristin sighed.  “Angelina, continue.  What did you do about it?  About him touching you that way.”

 

“I brushed it off thinking he didn't do it purposely, you know.  I didn’t think much of it.  Besides he didn’t do it all time.  And after a while, he stopped completely.  He was cool again.  He took us everywhere, to the park, the arcades.  He even took us to an amusement park one time. That was so much fun.  He bought us cotton candy and let us eat as much junk food as we wanted and even let us get on any spinney rides right after we’d eaten.  I loved having him around, he wasn’t trying to be like our father, but instead a cool friend.” 

 

She paused for a moment, and we saw her eyes go solemn. And she sighed as she continued.  “Then, this one time, my mom, she had gone to work and he said he'd take us to the wave pool. I was 12 at the time, in the 6th grade. It was such a hot day in June and I was really excited because my mom had actually let me buy a two-piece bathing suit.  She didn’t really want to at first, because she though my body was developing too quickly and I guess it made her feel uncomfortable, but I loved it.  All my friends would wear them.  I couldn’t wait to put it on.   We were going to have so much fun, cuz well; we always did when we went out with him.”

 

“Before we left to go to the pool, he told me to go put my swim suit on so I wouldn’t have to do it over there, in one of those public restrooms. So I did. I closed the door to my bedroom and began to undress…but someone pushed the door open.”  Again she stopped, this time we noticed a streak on her face, made by the tears that ran down her face.

 

“It’s ok Lina, take your time.”  I told her.

 

“I wasn't wearing a shirt so I grabbed the towel I had set to take with me, and I wrapped it around myself.  His eyes went wide from the glance he got of my newly developing bosom.” 

 

“You’re growing rather beautifully, Angelina.  I just wanted to know if you needed any help putting on your swim suit.’  He told me, but the hungry look in his eyes scared me.”

 

“No.’ I told him.  ‘I’m fine, thank you.”

 

“But he didn’t listen to me and he came closer, grabbing me by the shoulder.  ‘But I want to help.’  He said, and he lightly slipped his fingers further down, to the top of the towel.”

 

“I clutched it tighter around me.  ‘Please,’ I begged him.  ‘Get out.  You’re my mother’s boyfriend.”

 

“But it’s not fair!’ he yelled at me, his face growing dark and heated.  ‘You knew I was your mother’s boyfriend, and yet you walk around here with your little tops, and your shorts.  You led me to believe you wanted me too!”

 

“NO!  I yelled back. ‘ I never did.’  I never wanted him to touch me like he was doing now.”  She told us.

 

“I bet all the boys will be staring at you at the pool’   He told me as he worked his fingers even deeper under my towel.  ‘You need to be ready for them Angelina.  They will all want you, and what you have to offer.  I want to be the one to teach you.  I promise, I’ll will show you…”

 

“I don’t need you to!’  I yelled.  ‘I don’t want you touching me!”

 

I looked at Angelina as she was telling us this; her mascara-streaked eyes were full of tears, making my heart feel lodged in my chest.  It had to be the most suspenseful thing I’ve ever been through.  I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to hear the rest.

 

She continued.  “But I want to show you!’  He yelled at me forcing the towel off of my body.  I tried getting away, but he only got a better hold of the towel, forcing it off my breast.  His eyes grew wide with approval.”

 

“I screamed for him to stop, but he grabbed my inner elbows, and pinned my arms back.  ‘STOP! STOP IT YOU ARE HURTING ME!”  She yelled at us.  But it wasn’t us that she saw.  It was her mother’s boyfriend.  “But he wouldn’t listen to me. He just slammed the door behind him and screamed at me to shut up.”  She said, her voice intensifying.

 

“Shut up Angelina, shut up!”  She said taking on his tone. “And don’t you dare tell anyone about this, you hear.  This is our secret.  Ok baby.  Just yours and mine!  Don’t you ever tell this to anyone!”

 

AJ slammed his fist hard down on table, distracting Lina.  He shook his head; his face was fiercely red as he was holding back his own tears so he could speak.  He was pissed.   “I understand what you guys are doing.  And there’s nothing more that I want than to help my baby, but I’m seriously afraid where she’s going with this.  I think this, her recalling all this shit is actually hurting her.”

 

“It’s not.”  Kristin responded to him.  “It’s helping her.  AJ, she’s held this back for too long.  She’s been trying to hide it.  And it won’t stop haunting her till she faces it.”  

 

“We’re all worried about her, AJ.”  I told him.  I wasn’t certain, but the way Lina was telling the story, it told me that AJ’s premonitions might be correct. 

 

“I don’t want to be here when she says it.  Isabelle.  I don’t think I can take it.”  He said rather irrationally.  I could just imagine what he would do to that man that did this to Lina if he ever met up with him. 

 

“It’s ok, AJ.” 

 

He sighed as he took one long look at his girlfriend sitting on the edge of the bed, almost zombie like, then he vulnerably walked out of the room and back to his suite.

 

I nodded to Kristin letting her know Lina should continue.

 

“Angelina, you can continue if you want.”

 

It took her a while before she got going again, almost leading us to believe she wouldn’t finish.  But she kept going. 

 

“I wouldn’t stop shouting.  I couldn’t. I was so scared.  So he threw me against the wall and I hit my head so hard that what happened after that is a blur. I closed my eyes to try to deny this was happening.  I yelled and yelled, but now one was there to help me.  I felt as if I was drowning in my own screams.”

 

I couldn’t hold them back any longer and I started to cry along with Angelina.  I put one hand over my mouth trying to muffle my sobs as to not wake her.  I looked over at Kristin whose face was also filled with tears.

 

“I continued to turn and twist under his pressure but he had me trapped against the wall, all I could do was cry, as he touched me all over.  It sent a lightning bolt of fear through my body, when he took one hand off me and started unbuttoning his pants.  With all my strength I tried pushing him away all I wanted to do was push him back long enough to get out the door, and escape.”

 

“Stop it!’ I pleaded.  But it was like he couldn’t hear me.  The glint in his eyes was pure madness.  In one swift motion he’d spread my legs, and gone between them.  I screamed as he drove into my tight and resisting flesh, which tore and bled. 

 

“Don’t be scared, Angelina.’  He whispered.  ‘I cant help but want you.  You’re too pretty.’ He said gasping at his words.

 

“I clenched my hands into small fist and hit him hard everywhere I could.  But it was useless, I was too weak, he didn’t even feel it.  Finally, he was satisfied.  He drew back and quickly pulled up his pants.  I turned over on my stomach, and continued to cry.”

 

“He had raped me and then just walked out, told me to get changed and acted as if nothing was different. I was so scared that I just did as I was told and we went to the wave pool with him. I kept thinking about it and I wanted to cry but I didn't want him to hurt me or anything so I didn't. He'd just glance at me, god, I can still see him; he looked proud of himself like he had done something amazing.”

 

“The days that followed that one were just strange; I had no school so I just slept all day. I didn't really want to leave my bed; I didn't want to see my friends, my mom, my family. I just totally isolated myself. I felt so guilty to have let it happen that I tried to just block it out.  But every time I closed my eyes during the night it would haunt me. The dreams I'd have were just him slamming the door and hurting me, I'd replay the whole scene in my mind so many times that even when I was awake I could see it happening all over again.”

 

“I'd do something differently...like, what if I had kicked him or screamed really, really loud or hit him with something. Yet when it was happening I was frozen and I couldn't really move. One night, I was at my mom's place and I had the dream and she woke me up and asked me what was wrong. At that time he was gone, out of town so I felt safe enough to tell her. The weirdest thing was that she didn't believe me at first.”

 

She paused; she had stopped crying even though Kristin and I hadn’t.

 

“That hurt me a lot, my own mother not believing me.  She was in denial though. She told me to stop with my nonsense and accept that she was happy. So I just dropped it with her. I finally decided to tell my dad about it and he called the cops, a social worker, everything. Those months were awful, I'd have to testify in court and relive everything.  Except I couldn’t, I couldn’t go into full detail about what had happened.  So I lied, and told them I couldn’t remember.  They brought in specialists, and doctors to try and help me recall it but I didn’t.  I refused to.  I just wanted it to all end.  Finally I did testify, seeing as no one would leave me alone till I did.  But I was very limited in my details.  I had to look at him; he was smirking still with that look that he was proud of himself. Anyway, they took some blood samples, and he went to jail.”

 

Again she stopped, but this time she stood up startling both Kristin and I.  I went over to her, but Kristin pulled me back.

 

“Just let her be.  She’s still asleep.”

 

Lina walked over to my vanity table, and sat down.

 

“So he was locked up it still didn't take the pain I was feeling away and instead of talking about it, I just tried to bury it. I didn't want to sleep anymore, because I knew that when I'd close my eyes, I'd see his ugly, evil face. So I hung out with the wrong crowd, the girls that didn't give a damn about feelings. They would party and drink and shit, so I thought it might help me take my mind off of it. So I'd drink till I'd pass out and then I'd be able to sleep in peace. When I was drunk, nothing rational went through my mind so I didn't have to live through it all the time.  I didn’t have to face reality.”

 

She looked at herself in the mirror, and seemed disgusted with what she saw.  “I hate myself.  I hate you so much!”  She yelled at her image in the mirror.  “You’re nothing but a waste.  You’re only good for one thing.  Just like your mother.”

 

Kristin and I looked at each other.  Both of us troubled. 

 

“Kristin, I think it’s time to make her stop.”

 

Kristin nodded and got up walking over to her.

 

“I tried killing myself a couple of times.”

 

“No wait.”  I whispered to Kristin.  “Let her continue.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

I nodded.

 

“I was too much of a coward to slit my wrist, that would be too painful.  I wanted it to be over quick.  I guess the farthest I went was actually tying a noose together.  But I couldn’t go through with it.  I was too afraid.”

 

She stopped.  She was done.  She slowly stirred, as if she had just awakened for the first time.  She turned around to face us and said,  “Isabelle, what just happened?”

 

 I looked over at Kristin and then back at Lina.  For some reason I felt sort of guilty.  Maybe because of the way we got the information out of her wasn’t in its purest form.  I still had signs of tears on my face, as did Kristin and Lina.

 

Again she asked. “Isabelle, what did I just tell you?”

 

I slowly rose from where I had been kneeling on the floor.  “Everything.”  I told her.  “You told us everything.”

 

“We hypnotized you honey.”  Kristin informed her.

 

She gasped, bringing her hand to her mouth and she began to cry.

 

“It’s ok Lina.  We know.  We understand.”

 

“How could you Isabelle!”  She cried out to me.  “How could you do that to me!  You’re the one person I’m suppose to trust!”

 

“I’m sorry Lina, I just wanted to help.  I just wanted to know what you were feeling!”

 

“Well thanks to you, now I feel complete and total humiliation!”  And with that she shot up from the seat and ran out the door.

 

“Isabelle!”  Kristin yelled.  “She shouldn’t be alone!”

 

Kristin was right.  We both got up and ran after Lina.  She had run down the hallway, and through the hotel stair door.  She was headed for the basement. 

 

“Lina!  Stop, come back.”  But she didn’t listen to me.  “Kristin, go back and get AJ.  I think she’s taking one of the cars.”

 

I was right I got to the basement in time to see her pull out in the blue Camaro.  I banged on the rear window of the car.  “Lina stop!”  Then I opened the passenger door, and got in as she went in reverse, then headed out the garage.

 

“Lina what are you doing? Where are you going?”  I asked but she didn’t listen to me.  She kept her eyes on the road.  “Lina!”  I yelled at the top of my lungs. 

 

Her eyes were watery and looked distant.  She wasn’t with us again she was somewhere else. 

 

“Lina.”  I said trying to wake her.  But she didn’t even acknowledge my presence.  We hit a dirt road, and I looked out the window and saw the sign that read, ‘You are now leaving LA’.  That’s when she floored it.  She was headed straight for the ravine.

 

“Lina you have to stop this car now. Lina! Lina, listen to me!” I said but my eyes just kept staring straight ahead as from here I could see the deep crevice.  Her eyes were lost in the space in front of her.  She didn’t even blink.  I wanted to take the steering wheel away from her, but I was afraid she would struggle with me and make it worse.  “Lina,” I said nearly in tears.  My heart was pounding loud against my chest making it hard for me to hear even myself.  “Lina, please.”  I begged her.  “Wake up.  Listen to me.  Don’t do it.  Please, it wasn’t your fault.  You don’t have to go through it alone anymore.  I’m here for you.  Please Lina, stop the car.  Please.”  I pleaded with her, not able to control my hysterical crying.  But she just kept on driving. 

 

We were less than 100ft away from the ravine and the speedometer read 80mph.  I quickly fastened my seatbelt, and then reached around Lina trying to fasten hers but I couldn’t, my hands were trembling, my eyes were blurred from my tears, and I couldn’t get the belt into the buckle.  I screamed as I saw the ravine merely 15ft away.

 

Suddenly everything stopped, and I felt myself fly forward.  I thought we were falling down and that was it.  It was the end.  But I felt my head hit the dashboard, then bounce back.  Then it all went dark.

 

I felt the odd sensation of something running down the center of my face then stopping when it reached my lips.  It tasted like crude blood.  I quickly lifted my head.  Which made me feel dizzy at first from the rush.  I brought my hand to my forehead, feeling the gash on my head.  It took me a second to recall what had happened then I looked over at Lina and the sight horrified me. 

 

“Oh God!” I shouted but my voice came out like a whisper.  “Lina!”  I cried as I reached for her.  Her head was plastered down on the steering wheel, and she wasn’t responding. I pulled her back against the seat.  “Lina?” I said as I checked her arm for a pulse.  I felt my heart sink when I didn’t feel one, then I checked on her neck.  And I relaxed when I felt one.  I quickly checked her head for any wounds; surprisingly enough she didn’t have any.  I saw her eyes flutter, and then slowly open.  “Lina!”  I said when she did.

 

“Isa?”  She asked almost as if she didn’t recognize me.  “What happened?”

 

I shook my head.  I didn’t know where to begin to explain.  We both shielded our eyes, as headlights came into view. 

 

“Angelina!”  I heard AJ scream as he got out of the car.  Kristin and Kevin were with him.  “Angelina,” he cried as he got to our car. He quickly opened the door, and gently pulled her out.    I felt my door being opened, and I was also pulled out.  I stumbled as I got out and tried to stand.  My ribs were hurting from the pull of the seatbelt.  And I nearly felt faint again as I saw how close we were to the ravine.  It was a miracle we were still alive. 

 

“Are you ok?”  Kevin asked as he held me by the waist, fearing I would fall. 

 

“I’m fine, I think.”  I told him.  “I just got a nasty cut.”  I said as I brought my hand to my forehead again, this time it stung when I felt it.

 

“Don’t touch it.”  Kevin said.

 

I looked over at Lina, and she was wrapped safely in AJ’s arms.  He was rocking her back and forth while he kissed her head.  Then I saw AJ’s face go white.  He pulled Lina away from him, looking at her face.

 

“Angelina,” he cried.  “What’s wrong?  Why are you trembling?”

 

But she didn’t respond.

 

“Oh no!”  I heard Kristin scream.  “She’s convulsing!”

 

“Lina!”  I cried and tried to walk to her, but Kevin held me back.

 

“Call 911!”  He told Kristin.

 

She did as Kevin said, and ran back to the car to get the phone. 

 

 

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