CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT-“How Can I Let Go, When I Keep Wondering…”

 

As I stepped out of Brian’s room my headache returned, and with that even more unanswered questions. 

 

“Oh Lord, Isabelle,”  I said to myself as I stood outside his door running my hands through my hair.  “What did you just do?” I was so confused, I couldn’t answer what time it was even if a clock was staring me in the face.  I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall.  I felt like I couldn’t think or breathe and I definitely couldn’t cry anymore…though I wanted to.  I felt I’d been drained inside.  I had no more tears left, and what’s more, now I didn’t know what I was crying for. 

 

I slowly slid to the floor in the middle of the hallway.  My head still against the wall felt as if it were being compressed in a pressure cooker. My eyes were still closed.  I couldn’t think…or better yet, comprehend. Millions of things were running through my mind.  Who was wrong and who was right?  Had I just made things worse?  Did Leighanne lie to me?  Did Brian?  Was he pretending not to know? Or was he telling the truth?  And if he was then why did he say he was going to marry her at the conference?  Who was telling the truth and who wasn’t?  Oh my God, I thought to myself as I cradled my knees to my chest, how did my life get so complicate?  Boys weren’t this difficult when I was in high school.  Things were so much simpler then.  And I always had someone to hold me.  I wanted my daddy!

 

“Isabelle!”  I heard him cry as he came running down the hallway.

 

My eyes snapped open and I thought I must have been dreaming.  He was running towards me and it all felt surreal.  I didn’t know if this was actually happening or not till he came up to me and picked me up from the floor.

 

“Dad?”

 

“Isabelle, what’s wrong?  Why are you sitting out here all by yourself?”  He asked looking into my face.  “You look sick sweetheart, your face is flushed.  Is something wrong?”

 

“Dad?”  I asked once again unsure if I was seeing things.  I could feel both his hands as they held on tightly, holding me up by my elbows.  “Dad?  What on earth are you doing here?”  I couldn’t focus.  I felt drunk…without the alcohol.

 

“Isabelle, are you ok…”

 

“Dad, relax.”  I said escaping his grip.  I saw his face go grave.

 

“Isabelle, is something wrong?” 

 

I laughed.  Now that’s an idea.  “Daddy,” I said putting on the brightest smile I could forge.  “I’m perfectly fine.”  With that, I threw my arms around him.  “I’m just surprised to see you…that’s all.”

 

He smiled too and wrapped his arms around me.  Unknowingly comforting me.  “I’m so happy to see you sweetie.  It’s been so long.”

 

“I’m happy to see you too.  You’re right; it’s been very long.  But dad, what are you doing here?”

 

“Well…well why don’t you first tell me why you were sitting out here…”

 

I looked up at him and saw how concerned he was.  “Dad…it’s a long story and…and I promise to tell you the entire thing, but first lets go back to my room…ok.”

 

“Ok,” he said, once again putting his arms around me as we walked down the hallway heading back to my room.

 

“…So then he asked me to leave and that’s when you found me outside his room.”  I finished off as I explained to him what had been happening between Brian and I.  Ok, now I know most girls wouldn’t confide as willingly with their father’s about their love life, but my daddy was different.  I didn’t have a mom to share all my secrets with, but my dad was willing to listen.  He’s a great listener and he’s never judgmental.  Besides, he always gave me the best advice.  I guess that all made him a great psychologist…and friend.  Of course, I left out the part that I was no longer a virgin.  There are just something’s fathers…don’t want to know…and daughters…don’t want to tell.

 

His face looked complex, but his eyes were sympathetic.  I could tell he was trying to figure out a way to fix everything, but there wasn’t.  At least not like he use to make my troubles go away. 

 

“I wish I could just kiss your finger, and make everything better sweetheart.”

 

I smiled.  “I know dad.  I wish you could too.”

 

“Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said a lot had happened.”

 

I nodded.  “Dad, don’t worry about it.”

 

He shook his head.  “If you worry about it, you know I’ll worry about it.”

 

I sighed and walked over to him sitting down on his lap like I used to do when I was younger.  “I’m not too heavy am I?”

 

“Never.”

 

I smiled.  “Dad, I just wish it would all just go away.  You know?  Like make it all be just one bad dream.  I’ll wake up and my life’s back to normal again…. But I know that’s impossible…I guess somehow I’ll get over it.”

 

He kissed the top of my head.  “Not that simple is it…growing up.”

 

“No, it’s not.”  I said.

 

“Isabelle, I can only offer you two forms of advice.  One, as a friend…do what you feel you need to do.  Don’t let this eat you away inside.  You’ve never been one to stay in the dark about things.”  He said looking into my eyes.  “You’re one of the most honest persons I know.  But sometimes you forget to be honest with the most important person in your life…yourself.” 

 

I looked down.  I knew he was right.  “What’s the second one daddy?”

 

“Well, as your father…if that Brian guy hurts you again, you just let me know I’ll take care of him…”

 

“DAD!”

 

“I’m just kidding, Isabelle.”   He said with a small laugh.  I laughed too.  “I know you can take care of yourself.  You’re a very strong person.”

 

“No, dad I’m so not.  You should have seen me in there with him.  I was on the brink of falling apart.  I’m not as strong as you think.” 

 

“Oh no?  Well, I could have never managed alone after your mother passed away.  But you were always there, always positive, looking after me, taking care of me.  Being strong for me.  Also don’t forget, Lina couldn’t of done this without you.  You’ve been a great friend to her, and a strong support for her.  That’s why when her parents sent her out here to follow her dreams, they knew as long as you were with her, she’d be taken care of.”

 

This time I kissed his forehead.  There was a brief pause in our conversation, as we both searched for a new topic…then I remembered.

 

“Dad, you still haven’t told me what you’re doing here.  It’s like you heard me cry out for you and there you were.”

 

“Well, just call me Super Dad.”

 

I laughed…he could be so cheesy sometimes.

 

“Actually, I came here to check up on Lina.  I’m surprised no one told you; because Yvonne knew from the day I had spoken to you last at the hospital. 

 

“That’s strange, I think she should have told me.  But I’m glad that you’re here now.  This means I get to spend some time with you before I start school.”

 

“Actually Isabelle, there’s something else I need to tell you?”  He said, I could tell he was unsure of how I’d respond.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Well, I’ve decided to move back to New York.  I mean you’re the only family I’ve got. And now that Lina seems to be doing better, she doesn’t need a therapist around all the time.  Besides, I’ll be able to find more work in a big city like New York, than back in Ottawa.”

 

“Dad…”

 

“Also, it will be easier for Lina too, with all the traveling she does now, she can come and see me more often than if I were still in Canada.  It will be easier for you too.”

 

“Dad!”

 

He stopped speaking.

 

“It’s ok…really.  If you want to move back to New York, that’s fine with me.”

 

“Really?  It is?”  He asked.  “You don’t think it’s so I can keep an eye on you, cuz you know, I’m totally fine with you dorming at NYU.  I fully trust you.”

 

“I know you do.”  I said, thought I knew full well he was going to be keeping an eye on me, regardless.  “I think it’s great you’re moving back.  You can stay with grams, and find a nice job with a big office and large black leather sofa.  Not like that beaten up old recliner you had back home.”

 

“Right.  I knew you’d understand.  But you know there is an extra room in grandma’s apartment.  You could live there instead of at the dorm, think of how much money you’ll save…on food, laundry…”

 

“Dad!”

 

“I’m sorry, it was worth a try.”

 

Again I laughed…really, truly laughed. 

 

When Lina got back, she wasn’t as surprised to see my father as I was.  She had known he was coming and she swore she had told me, I just hadn’t been paying much attention to anything the past week.  That was true, though I’m more than sure that if someone had told me my father was coming to visit, I would have remembered.

 

Anyways, he and Lina began their sessions.  This time, I was allowed to be in the room.  Of course I pretended to be entertained with other things, but still there were no more secrets.  The only secrets I had yet to unclear in my life were the ones from this morning.  I had already confronted Brian, and that proved to be destructive.  But I wasn’t giving in.  Brian thought I was making things up.  And it hurt, that he didn’t believe me.  Then again…I didn’t put my faith in him when he needed me to. 

 

The next morning I woke up early.  I hadn’t been able to sleep the entire night, too much stuff on my mind.  I needed to get out. Some place where no one could get to me, for a while. I wanted to be alone.  Before anyone had gotten a chance to get up I left the room, a journal in hand.  Not far from the hotel I found a small playground.  It was pretty early, so the park was practically empty.  Besides the seldom jogger or someone walking their dog, I was alone.  I wish I had come out here a little bit earlier.  I might have been able to catch the sunrise. 

 

As I sat there by myself, on the park bench I thought about two things.  How wonderful my life was when I had been with Brian and…how wonderful it was before he came into it.  Deep down inside I had loved being with him, but I was beginning to think that if I had never had met him, I wouldn’t be going through this right now.  Granted, I still had extremely strong feelings for him, of course I did. But that didn’t mean he was the only person for me.  No, there were tons of guys out there, and now that I would be going to college I won’t have any problems meeting the perfect one.  Who ever said my first love had to be my last? 

 

I exhaled as a smile spread across my face.  “The tour’s ending.  It’ll all be over very soon.  I’m going to get over him. And then I can move on.  You can totally do this.”  I secure myself. With the smile still on my face I opened up my journal and put my pen to the paper.

 

Even though I realize now that some things are never meant to be. I still had many questions troubling me.  One of them was, ‘If Brian had ever truly felt for me what I feel for him?’  That’s probably one that I will never know.  And that’s ok.  When I gave myself to Brian, I know I’ did it out of love…therefore, no regrets, at least not on my part.  One thing I did regret though, was losing those rings. 

 

Obviously, now I knew that Brian had no idea about Leighanne and ‘her’ lover.  Technically, he still didn’t.  And though it hurt when he accused me of lying to my face, I wasn’t any more fair to him when I thought he’d lied to me.  Maybe if I had had more trust in him, I wouldn’t have all these questions.  Then again, putting my complete trust in him from the beginning was all I did.  And look where it got me.  But finally the one thing that now I figured out was bothering me the most was…’If Brian didn’t know about Leighanne cheating, and he had told me he was planning on calling off the wedding because he was no longer in love with her, then why…was he still with her?  And why did he declare his engagement to her at the conference?’  All that remained now was for me to move on.  That was what I needed to focus on, and I needed to let whatever was…be.  I needed to let go.  I would just drop it…

 

I was so involved in my writing that I didn’t notice it was raining till a loud tear in the sky exploded above me.  I looked up and seconds later an enormous flash shot across the sky.  Clouds had overcast up above and though it was early morning, it looked as if it were late afternoon.

 

Quickly I closed my journal and made my way out of the park.  I started to run but I immediately stopped.   It was coming down hard and I was already soaked.  As I walked out of the park and towards the back entrance to the hotel I saw a black Lexus pull up ahead of me.  Out from the hotel walked Brian and Leighanne.  He had one hand holding up a silver umbrella over both of them, the other on Leighanne’s waist, as he lead her towards the car. From underneath her black spring coat, I could see she was wearing a decent, navy blue skirt exposing her short, but curvy legs.  Her long blonde hair was out and flowing down her back as usual.

 

The driver got out of the car but Brian signaled for him to get back in.  “It’s alright.”  I heard him call as he opened the door to the car himself.  Leighanne went in, followed by Brian. Then the car drove off.

 

I crossed the street, and entered the hotel. My hair was matted to my face, and you could practically see my bra through my shirt.  I rapidly climbed the back stairs as to not call attention to myself going through the lobby and up the elevator.  When I got back to my hotel room, Lina was gone.  She was probably having breakfast with the other guys.  I put my journal down on the coffee table and proceeded to the bedroom to get out of the wet clothes.  I came back out and went to the stove to make some hot chocolate.  I sat at the coffee table and waited for it to warm.

 

I stared inattentively at my journal.  I had tucked it under my shirt so it wouldn’t get wet, but it still had some soaked spots near the bind.  I thought about what I had written.  I knew I really wanted to move on and if that wasn’t enough, I really need to.  But at that moment, no matter how hard I tried; I couldn’t get out of my head the image of Brian and Leighanne together as they got into the car.  I was growing impatient with myself. 

 

“Isabelle you act as if you’re jealous, stop it!”  I scolded myself.  But it was a feeling like all the others…I couldn’t help it.  It just wasn’t fair!  It wasn’t fair that he was holding the umbrella up for her.  It wasn’t fair that he opened the car door for her.  It wasn’t fair that she ended up with him.  And it especially wasn’t fair that he was still with her.  If he wanted to be with her than so be it.  But she knew as well as I did, that she didn’t deserve him!

 

I hastily flipped my journal opened to the last page written on and I ripped it out.  I decided regardless of how much I wanted to move on; I was going to find out the truth.  And I was going to prove it to Brian.

 

In the circle of lies that surrounded me there were three people who knew the truth…or at least part of it. Now that I knew Brian didn’t know about Leighanne…it explained a lot, yet it still didn’t justify what had happened at the conference.  That left two more people.  And one of them was going to help me get the truth out of the other.  I had a plan. 

 

I quickly set out to do what I was going to do, but first I needed a small favor. 

 

As usual, it took more than twenty knocks before Nick answered his door.  And when he finally did answer he acted as if his precious time was being wasted. 

 

“Isabelle, what is it?  I’m kinda busy right now.”

 

“Don’t worry Nick.  This won’t take more than a minute.”

 

“A minute’s too long.  Make it shorter.”  He tormented.

 

“Nick!  It’s 10:30 in the morning.  What could you possibly be doing at this time that’s so damn demanding you can’t spare a minute?”

 

“Ok, relax.  I’ll give you a minute.  But just that, I put the game on pause for this.” 

 

“Ugh!” The worst part was he wasn’t kidding.  I tried my best to put my frustration with this kid aside.  “I need to borrow something.”

 

“What?”  He asked curiously.

 

Nick was more than willing to lend me what I’d asked, even though he deemed appropriate to give me a set of instruction on how to care for it.  I just ignored him and continued with what I had to do.  Nick could be too much sometimes.

 

I made my way down the hall.  I realized my hands were shaking as I knocked on the door. 

 

“Good morning sweetie.  Is everything alright, you look a bit pale.”

 

“Hi Kristin.  Yeah, I’m fine.  I just got caught in the rain, that’s all.”

 

“What were you doing outside?  You should really take something, Isabelle.  You’re liable to catch a cold.”  She reached for my hand.  “Look at you, you’re shaking.”

 

“Really I’m fine, Kristin.  I just need to talk to Kevin.  Is he around?”

 

“Yeah, he’s in the back.  Is something wrong?”

 

“No, well yes…but nothing out of the norm, but I just need to talk to him, Kristin.”

 

“Honey, what’s the matter?”

 

“I’ll tell you later.  I promise.  Right now I need to talk to him before I back out of it.”

 

She nodded.  “We were just getting ready to go get something to eat, but this seems important to you.  I’ll go get him.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

As Kristin came back out with Kevin, I could tell he wasn’t in the mood to be confronted.  His sharp eyes were staring me down, as always intimidating me.   He didn’t look away till Kristin spoke. 

 

“Well, I’ll leave you two alone to handle your business.  I’ll be back with something to eat, ok hun.”  She leaned over and kissed his cheek.  “Don’t look so threatened, baby.  It’s just Isabelle, she doesn’t bite.  Later sweetie.”

 

I smiled at her for trying to help, but Kevin’s expression didn’t change.  He sat down and indicated for me to do the same.  Everything was quiet for a while and I had wished I had prepared myself more for this.  I knew what I wanted to do, but I wasn’t sure of how to go about it.  I already knew Kevin wasn’t very fond of me.  How was he going to help?  What if he didn’t want to help or what if he thought I was wrong?  Suddenly coming up to Kevin for his assistance didn’t seem like a good idea.  But there was no one else.

 

It felt like a good twenty minutes had passed, but not even three had.  He sat patiently across from me, staring at me, waiting for what I had to say.  So I began.  “I guess you’re wondering why I need to talk to you.”

 

He actually looked away, and when he looked back at me I could see his eyes had softened and in his deep-rooted voice he said,  “Actually no, I think I have a pretty good guess of why you’re here.”

 

“You do?”  I asked taken aback.

 

“Yes, I do.” He looked down, pensive for a moment.  Then he got up his seat.  “Excuse me for a minute.”

 

I nodded. 

 

When he came back from the bedroom he had a couple of stapled papers in his hand.  He handed it to me.

 

I looked at it and immediately knew what it was.  Alarmed, I shot up from my seat.  I still was nowhere near Kevin’s height, but this time I stared him down.  “What are you doing with this?!?”

 

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