My Broadway career dried up about, 25 years ago, something like that
So I was looking for something else to do, because ya know the mortgage and all that
So, uh, I found something, and I’m doing it now

And, I wanted to do a song that kinda was a representation of what I do during the day
Cause I am on a novella now
Soap opera, daytime, what ever you want to call it
And um so I looked for a ballot and ah I think it’s very appropriate
And I’m goin to do it for you this evening as a matter of fact

Cause when you’re in the land of soap opera, you get up at 5:30 every morning
Coffee becomes your favorite drink
And, did I mention, staying, ah thin for the camera...

(Music)
All your life, you prayed I’d come along
Handsome, rich and muscular, sensitive but strong
And in my dreams, I saw you every day
Innocent but sexy, in that waspy kind of way

Here we are, as seen on t.v.
Yes you’re absolutely perfect, you could say the same for me

Were just as fictional as anyone could be
Were young and beautiful, as seen on t.v.

The day we met, all the extras froze
I zoomed in for a close up of your slightly upturned nose
Your make-up was immaculate, your every hair in place
The soundtrack hit a high note as we had our first embrace

Oh yes it’s love as seen on t.v.
I know diddley squat about you but hey, that’s enough for me
I swear I’d always love you if you swear you’ll always be
Young and beautiful, as seen on t.v.
I tried to act, as if I didn’t care

I tried to run, but darling what’s the use
Your in my heart, your in my hopes, and in my hair
Which is hard when you consider all that, mousse

As we grow old, gracefully of course
I’ll make it with your sister, which will lead to our divorce
She’ll sue me for the custody of Heather, Blake and Shane
Then Blake will be abducted by terrorists in Spain
The kidnappers demands will surely bring me to my knees
Then Heather will come down with a tropical disease

Her death will bring us closer
We’ll be nearly reconciled
When your sister will announce she’s caring my child
I’ll pay for an abortion, but before it can be done
Shane who has always hated me, will shoot her with my gun
The evidence will point to me
I’ll swear that it’s a lie
The jury will convict me and they’ll sentence me to die
And on that rainy evening as I go to meet my fate
I’ll beg you for forgiveness, but ah it’ll be too late

But hey, that’s life, as seen on t.v.
Come on, everyone’s got problems, hey, why shouldn’t we
It’s just the price you pay for the privilege to be
Young and beautiful, as seen on t.v.