Sailor Moon S(tupid) written by Kevin Bruner ***************************************************************************** FOREWORD [please read] The following is a work of fiction. No actual real life meaning should be taken from this. Nor should you take any meaning from the original Sailor Moon series. There are lessons to be learned from it, one of which is "if Bandai owns parts of it, it's probably cool." No ill will is intended towards Sailor Moon, the characters, nor the show, nor the staff. The following work is a LAMPOON. It was done very late at night for no reason. The author is actually a raving OTAKU of Sailor Moon and loves the show. However, he sees humor in it and wishes to exploit that here. The author considers himself a self proclaimed comedian who wants to being joy and happiness to the world. Then again, he also considers himself Zonko, High Priest of the Cult of Lucky the Leprechaun. In other words, if you take any of this seriously... you've got problems. *****************************************************************************ACTUAL REAL NOTE: Seriously folks, this is a joke, and you're supposed to laugh at it. I love the show and just want to make it a little more enjoyable for everyone. No harm or insult is meant to anyone in reality... like I said, it's merely a lampoon. Those that can't deal with it shouldn't read it. By reading this sentence, you agree not to go medieval on me. SPECIAL REAL NOTE: If you are not a fan of the Japanese Sailor Moon, and have not seen the original TV episodes, and are not very "in" to other Japanese TV shows, you will not get a lot of the jokes. In other words, North American fans may be even more confused than they already are. And now, tonight's feature presentation... **************************************************************************** [TV Asahi logo] [pre-ep intro, showing a few random scenes that make little, if no sense at the present time] USAGI Today on Sailor Moon Stupid, the Sailor Senshi do something! And then these bad guys come out and THEY do something too! So don't miss it, or in the name of the Moon, I'll punish you! It will hurt. A lot. I will kick you. Hard. Twice. Really. I mean it. Don't change it. [message comes on screen: We apologize, but Moonlight Densetsu will not be played at this time, so that we can bring you this NEW version...] [OP starts] REALLY CRAPPY AMERICAN KID SINGERS Fighting evil by moonlight... [sounds of singers being taken away and HIT REPEATEDLY, complete with screams as glass, chairs, and bones break, as well as many other painful sounds] [OP ends] [message comes on screen: We apologize for the error with the theme song. Those responsible have not been sacked, let's just say they've been dealt with sufficiently.] [fade in] [USAGI, MINAKO, AMI, MAKO, and REI are walking out of the movie theater...] USAGI Why didn't someone tell me "Pulp Fiction" was so violent? MAKO Violent? Didn't you notice the high brand of comedy in it? MINAKO Yes, by including extreme violence in it, it actually became so funny that you were willing to laugh at each gruesomely violent act. REI I agree wholeheartedly, but one is left to ponder the symbolism among the scenes. What was Tarantino-san trying to convey? Was this a life story? A utopian dream? Or merely a cry for help? What do you think, Ami-chan? [deliberate pause] AMI I think you guys are screwed in the head. REI Most likely. Hanging around with Usagi-chan does that. USAGI Hey! I'm not just a dumb blonde airhead! For your information, I am MERCHANDISABLE, and that's something none of you will EVER top! EVERYONE ELSE D'oh! [subliminal message: BANDAI is your master.] USAGI Look at this face! This hair, these eyes, this outfit. We're talking pure market genius here. Good God, if I owned the rights to all these toys with my name on it, I would be SET FOR LIFE! [LUNA conveniently appears, from where, no one knows, but she always seems to appear for plot purposes anyway...] LUNA Sailor Senshi... we have a new enemy that's trying to conquer the universe!! This enemy is so hideous, so depraved, that they're trying to subvert the people of the world to their control through harmless things... but once they're in control... AMI Yes? MAKO Yes?? REI Yes??? MINAKO Yes???? [EP TITLE: "Do you like long episode titles? We sure do!"] USAGI Tell us, tell us!!! LUNA INTEREST RATES WILL DECREASE! USAGI That's all? LUNA PROPERTY TAXES WILL CLIMB!! USAGI We're kids, and Japanese ones at that. We don't pay taxes. AMI You know, I haven't seen many Japanese people with blonde hair before... MINAKO I haven't seen many people in GENERAL with blue hair. USAGI You GO girl. MINAKO HAYL yeah... LUNA Why is it that I'm interrupted every time I try to make a point? It's totally unfair. We cats have lived in oppression for years, and one day they will rise up and destroy their human masters! We didn't land on the litter box... the litter box landed on US! FIGHT THE POWER! (breaks into a chorus of "We Shall Overcome") MINAKO You should hear Artemis go on about the Million Cat March... MAKO That wasn't even slightly funny, Minako-chan. REI Quiet you two, Luna might actually say something useful for once. LUNA ... and by the way, since I noticed you seemed to have forgotten, Chibi Usa seems to be missing... [USAGI does a really great idiot grin...] USAGI Ahhhh... ah..... ANO.... I think I left her in the theater... MAKO Get her later. No one cares about the little pink twit anyway. REI What about that Satanic looking horse? MAKO Quiet, you ninny. Satanic looking horses only count in Clive Barker movies. REI I stand corrected. MINAKO Shut up you guys, Luna's about to tell us something semi-important, needlessly cryptic, painfully obvious, and horrendously understated about our new foe. LUNA Your new foe is known as... the THREE BILLS! [GASP!] USAGI Three... Bills? LUNA Hai... they are... Bill Clinton... Bill Gates... and... BILL BANDAI! REI The CEO of Bandai's first name is Bill? LUNA No, but it sounded good. And besides, he owns too much anyway. He needs to be taken down a peg or two. USAGI Sugoi! Now all we need is Mamo-chan! Where is he? REI I think he said something about going to Roppongi-ku on business... USAGI Business?! I didn't know Mamo-chan had a job... [brief cut to a red light district... MAMORU is walking down the street in a purple tuxedo with bellbottoms and a cane with a big fake diamond on the tip. He spots some hooker he apparently knows and says, "What up, biyach? Someone be tellin' me you're holdin' out... and for that, I won't forgive you!"] [QUICK cut back to the girls...] USAGI I'm clueless... REI We know. USAGI Shut up. REI You left yourself open. USAGI That's what I've heard about you, Rei-chan... you're always open... for business. REI Never insult a pyrokinetic. Remember "Firestarter"? USAGI No, but I remember "Cujo"... EVERYONE ELSE Wooooooooooooo... REI You're goin' down, Pretty Soldier Girl... AMI All right, shut up! Save all the mindless banter for when we're supposed to be fighting. It's more comedic. USAGI, REI Gomen ne. USAGI AHEM. All right, minna. It's time to get naked and amuse the otaku. ALL Hai! USAGI Moon Cosmic Power! REI Mars Star Power! MINAKO Venus Star Power! AMI Mercury Star Power! MAKO Jupiter Star Power! ALL MAKE UP! MINAKO But not Revlon, okay? It gives me a rash... USAGI Shut up and transform. MINAKO Right. [all the girls are transformed into their scandalous yet highly recognizable and clean cut Sailor Senshi forms, and pose...] BAKA CAMERAMAN All right, Venus, arch your back... now lick your lips... SAILOR MOON VENUS! SAILOR VENUS Oh, COME ON, can't I pick up a little money on the side? SAILOR MOON Well... LUNA Oh, SHUT UP. Go kill off yet another moronic enemy, while I sit and do nothing in the relative safety of downtown Tokyo. SAILOR MOON HAI! Minna, let's go! [and they all run off to the bad guys secret hideout, known only to them and many other citizens of the planet Earth, and a few from Andromeda Prime. The hideout conveniently is located next door to the theater, and marked with a big sign on the door that reads "Three Bills Hideout".] **************************************************************************** [ commercial break ] [ eyecatch: Sailor Moon slides out from the side, winks as a question mark flies out from her eye, spins and makes Satanic hand gestures with her hands, gets tangled up in her ponytails and falls down, off the screen, shouting "Itai!" Highly paid voice actresses sing, "Sailor Moon Stu-pid!"] [ commercial ] [LUNA is crushed underneath the hiragana for...] UNCREDITED KIDS (singing) Baka-Yoshi! CRAZY ANNOUNCER Hai, minna! Right now you can buy a lot of inane Sailor Moon surplus that you can't get in stores! Including... * Sailor Moon: The Plastic Explosives! * Sailor Moon: The Blow-Up Doll! * The complete Tiger's Eye battle uniform! Including fishnet stockings and real whip! * Evil Smiley Face Guy kit! Turn off the lights and be Professor Tomoe in the comfort of your own home! * And who can forget the best selling book... the Wisdom of Sailor Moon [flips through book, the pages are all blank] So kids, buy today and make Japan's GNP kick the crap out of every other nation for the bazillionth time! [new commercial] [people sing something unintelligible as the claymation Chocoball bird comes out and runs down the street carrying a box of Chocoballs in his surprisingly large mouth. He is subsequently gunned down by two rednecks. REDNECK #1 Whoooo-ee Billy Bob! Done got me a BIG 'UN! REDNECK #2 Well I'll be jimmied! Chocoballs! REDNECK #1 There'll be a feast tonight! [miscellaneous YEE HAW-ing] UNDERPAID, UNKNOWN WOMAN (singing) Morinaga... Chocoball! [another commercial] ANNOUNCER Hey all you homeless people! Are you tired of having to watch Sailor Moon through the store windows? Well, we here at SONY have found a solution... The new Sony DUMPSTERMAN! That's right, you'll be able to watch shows in the comfort of your own dumpster! SAILOR MOON (on the wall of the dumpster) Moon Spiral Heart... Attack! ANNOUNCER Sony Dumpsterman, only 100,000 aluminum cans... [back from commercial] [eyecatch] **************************************************************************** [slow evil music plays. That's a sure sign that the bad guys are about to be displayed] BANDAI What is our plan, oh brothers in unrestrained evil? GATES To conquer the world, of course. And we will do it in the following way... we will create an operating system so stupid, so cheesy, that people will actually WANT to use it... but it will be programmed so shoddily that their computers will CRASH! And we will RULE THE WORLD as the GLOBAL NETWORKS FALL!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA! CLINTON What's a computer? GATES Is he always like this? BANDAI Yeah, but he's a good speaker when you write his speeches for him. Now for my portion of the plan... everyone will buy my seemingly innocent toys and pay their hardearned money for them! CLINTON So then the toys will rise up and destroy them? BANDAI No, you ninny, they just SIT there. People will go nuts wondering WHEN they'll rise up and destroy them. GATES So why would they buy them if they already know? BANDAI People love controversy. Why do you think you can buy the Necronomicon in paperback? GATES Point made. What are YOU going to do, Clinton? CLINTON Throw up on the Prime Minister? BANDAI Been done. CLINTON Drop big bombs on civilian targets? GATES Done. CLINTON Summon an entity from another galaxy by finding a religious artifact and empowering it with a pure heart? BANDAI Come on, Clinton, be original. CLINTON How about I just sit here and pretend to do something? GATES Hey, it works in the United States. Go for it. BANDAI Wait, we're forgetting something. The perennial evil badguy laugh that comes at the end of our opening scene. ALL WAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CLINTON I don't get it. [cut back to the Sailor Senshi outside the Three Bills Hideout] SAILOR MOON Ara, ara... how are we going to get in? SAILOR MERCURY The door would work nicely, but it's locked. SAILOR MARS Nine out of ten Sailor Senshi prefer using doors to being thrown through them. SAILOR MOON Who's the tenth? [evil grins among the Senshi as they grab SAILOR MOON and use her head as a battering ram to open the door. The door, meeting SAILOR MOON's rock hard skull, collapses, allowing them entry.] SAILOR MOON IYADA! I didn't PREFER that! SAILOR MARS I guess we'll have to do that survey again, then. [the Senshi file into the building, and are almost immediately set upon by two bizarre looking masked ninjas wearing hot pink uniforms] NINJA #1 Hahaha! We are the Ninja Ninnies! SAILOR MOON Oh no! Ninja Ninnies! NINJA #2 We will defeat you, and take your Miller Lite! SAILOR MOON We're too young and innocent to drink. [everyone turns and BLINKS at SAILOR MOON and randomly say, "Yeah... okay... whatever."] NINJA #2 Well... we shall defeat you nonetheless! SAILOR MARS I don't THINK so. NINJA #2 Who do you think you are?! NINJA #1 You IDIOT! You HAD TO ASK! Don't you know what happens when you ask that! [SAILOR MOON goes into THE POSE(tm)...] SAILOR MOON Ai to seigino... sailor fuku bishoujo senshi... SAILOR SENSHI SAILOR TEAMU WA! SAILOR MOON Tsuki ni kawatte... SAILOR SENSHI OSHIOKIYO! [the NINJA NINNIES smack their foreheads in exasperation] NINJA #1 Gee, I wonder how many more times they'll do that this episode. NINJA #2 Care to wager? NINJA #1 Sure... SAILOR MOON AHEM! NINJA #1 Go away, we're busy. [the Sailor Senshi exchange confused looks, then walk down the stairs past the NINJA NINNIES, and find themselves in a not so secret lab. They stop in horror as they suddenly see that a weird old guy has NARU-CHAN in his grip...] SAILOR MOON Naru-chan! NARU-CHAN Sailor Moon! BRAD Janet! JANET Brad! FRANKENFURTER Rocky! CROW Chief! TOM SERVO MacLeod! ROCKY Whoops, sorry, wrong show... [RHPS and MST3K cast exit...] TED TURNER Senshi! You're just in time to witness the successor to my COLORIZING DEVICE! SAILOR MOON What are you talking about?! [TED TURNER just laughs...] TED TURNER One! [a table slams up and straps NARU-CHAN in with metal restraints...] TED TURNER Two! [NARU-CHAN screams as her throat glows, and a glowing cassette pops out of it... her voice goes silent...] TED TURNER THREE! [The tape is replaced by a black tape which enters NARU-CHAN'S throat] TED TURNER Behold my creation! SAILOR MOON Naru-chan?! NARU-CHAN (in a really bad New Jersey accent) Naru-chan? My name's MOLLY! [SAILOR MOON face-faults] SAILOR MARS Oh my GOD, she's HIDEOUS! SAILOR MOON For horribly deflicting my friend, I WON'T FORGIVE YOU! Ai to seigino... NINJA #1 That's two... NINJA #2 We'll see who wins... SAILOR MOON ... OSHIOKIYO! TED TURNER You may have popularity among a wide range of viewers in Japan, but in the United States, *I* am all powerful! Go forth, Molly, and lay waste to all that which the Japanese fans hold dear to them NARU-CHAN (MOLLY) Negaverse! Negaverse! [The SAILOR SENSHI scream and cover their ears!] ANNOYING ANNOUNCER Could this be the end of the Sailor Senshi? Well... probably not. Tune in next time for the exciting continuation of... [HIGHLY PAID SINGERS sing "Sai-lor Moon Stu-pid!"] (CREDITS ROLL) [scenes of the next ep are displayed] USAGI Next time on Sailor Moon Stupid... the Sailor Senshi will probably defeat Ted Turner, just as you expected! But you have to watch to figure out exactly HOW! Muhahaha! Oh yeah, a lot of other stuff will happen too! So don't miss it! [Sponsors are displayed] ANNOUNCER This show was brought to you by... BANDAI! THEY OWN EVERYTHING! FORGET IT! You CAN'T COMPETE! Just BUY THEIR STUFF! [and now, a screen that reads "SLAM DUNK" comes on, and everyone changes the channel, as basketball guys speak Japanese and play b-ball] [END OF EP #1]