The following is a work of fiction. No actual real life meaning should be taken from this. Nor should you take any meaning from the original Sailor Moon series. There are lessons to be learned from it, one of which is "if Bandai owns parts of it, it's probably cool."

No ill will is intended towards Sailor Moon, the characters, nor the show, nor the staff. The following work is a LAMPOON. It was done very late at night for no reason. The author is actually a raving OTAKU of Sailor Moon and loves the show. However, he sees humor in it and wishes to exploit that here.

The author considers himself a self proclaimed comedian who wants to being joy and happiness to the world. Then again, he also considers himself Zonko, High Priest of the Cult of Lucky the Leprechaun.

In other words, if you take any of this seriously... you've got problems. *****************************************************************************ACTUAL REAL NOTE: Seriously folks, this is a joke, and you're supposed to laugh at it. I love the show and just want to make it a little more enjoyable for everyone. No harm or insult is meant to anyone in reality... like I said, it's merely a lampoon. Those that can't deal with it shouldn't read it. By reading this sentence, you agree not to go medieval on me.

SPECIAL REAL NOTE: If you are not a fan of the Japanese Sailor Moon, and have not seen the original TV episodes, and are not very "in" to other Japanese TV shows, you will not get a lot of the jokes. In other words, North American fans may be even more confused than they already are.

And now, tonight's feature presentation... ****************************************************************************

[TV Asahi logo]

[pre-ep intro, showing a few random scenes that make little, if no sense at the present time]

USAGI

Today on Sailor Moon Stupid, the Sailor Senshi do something! And then these bad guys come out and THEY do something too! So don't miss it, or in the name of the Moon, I'll punish you! It will hurt. A lot. I will kick you. Hard. Twice. Really. I mean it. Don't change it.

[message comes on screen: We apologize, but Moonlight Densetsu will not be played at this time, so that we can bring you this NEW version...]

[OP starts]

REALLY CRAPPY AMERICAN KID SINGERS

Fighting evil by moonlight...

[sounds of singers being taken away and HIT REPEATEDLY, complete with screams as glass, chairs, and bones break, as well as many other painful sounds]

[OP ends]

[message comes on screen: We apologize for the error with the theme song. Those responsible have not been sacked, let's just say they've been dealt with sufficiently.]

[fade in]

[USAGI, MINAKO, AMI, MAKO, and REI are walking out of the movie theater...]

USAGI

Why didn't someone tell me "Pulp Fiction" was so violent?

MAKO

Violent? Didn't you notice the high brand of comedy in it?

MINAKO

Yes, by including extreme violence in it, it actually became so funny that you were willing to laugh at each gruesomely violent act.

REI

I agree wholeheartedly, but one is left to ponder the symbolism among the scenes. What was Tarantino-san trying to convey? Was this a life story? A utopian dream? Or merely a cry for help? What do you think, Ami-chan?

[deliberate pause]

AMI

I think you guys are screwed in the head.

REI

Most likely. Hanging around with Usagi-chan does that.

USAGI

Hey! I'm not just a dumb blonde airhead! For your information, I am MERCHANDISABLE, and that's something none of you will EVER top!

EVERYONE ELSE

D'oh!

[subliminal message: BANDAI is your master.]

USAGI

Look at this face! This hair, these eyes, this outfit. We're talking pure market genius here. Good God, if I owned the rights to all these toys with my name on it, I would be SET FOR LIFE!

[LUNA conveniently appears, from where, no one knows, but she always seems to appear for plot purposes anyway...]

LUNA

Sailor Senshi... we have a new enemy that's trying to conquer the universe!! This enemy is so hideous, so depraved, that they're trying to subvert the people of the world to their control through harmless things... but once they're in control...

AMI

Yes?

MAKO

Yes??

REI

Yes???

MINAKO

Yes????

[EP TITLE: "Do you like long episode titles? We sure do!"]

USAGI

Tell us, tell us!!!

LUNA

INTEREST RATES WILL DECREASE!

USAGI

That's all?

LUNA

PROPERTY TAXES WILL CLIMB!!

USAGI

We're kids, and Japanese ones at that. We don't pay taxes.

AMI

You know, I haven't seen many Japanese people with blonde hair before...

MINAKO

I haven't seen many people in GENERAL with blue hair.

USAGI

You GO girl.

MINAKO

HAYL yeah...

LUNA

Why is it that I'm interrupted every time I try to make a point? It's totally unfair. We cats have lived in oppression for years, and one day they will rise up and destroy their human masters! We didn't land on the litter box... the litter box landed on US! FIGHT THE POWER! (breaks into a chorus of "We Shall Overcome")

MINAKO

You should hear Artemis go on about the Million Cat March...

MAKO

That wasn't even slightly funny, Minako-chan.

REI

Quiet you two, Luna might actually say something useful for once.

LUNA

... and by the way, since I noticed you seemed to have forgotten, Chibi Usa seems to be missing...

[USAGI does a really great idiot grin...]

USAGI

Ahhhh... ah..... ANO.... I think I left her in the theater...

MAKO

Get her later. No one cares about the little pink twit anyway.

REI

What about that Satanic looking horse?

MAKO

Quiet, you ninny. Satanic looking horses only count in Clive Barker movies.

REI

I stand corrected.

MINAKO

Shut up you guys, Luna's about to tell us something semi-important, needlessly cryptic, painfully obvious, and horrendously understated about our new foe.

LUNA

Your new foe is known as... the THREE BILLS!

[GASP!]

USAGI

Three... Bills?

LUNA

Hai... they are... Bill Clinton... Bill Gates... and... BILL BANDAI!

REI

The CEO of Bandai's first name is Bill?

LUNA

No, but it sounded good. And besides, he owns too much anyway. He needs to be taken down a peg or two.

USAGI

Sugoi! Now all we need is Mamo-chan! Where is he?

REI

I think he said something about going to Roppongi-ku on business...

USAGI

Business?! I didn't know Mamo-chan had a job...

[brief cut to a red light district... MAMORU is walking down the street in a purple tuxedo with bellbottoms and a cane with a big fake diamond on the tip. He spots some hooker he apparently knows and says, "What up, biyach? Someone be tellin' me you're holdin' out... and for that, I won't forgive you!"]

[QUICK cut back to the girls...]

USAGI

I'm clueless...

REI

We know.

USAGI

Shut up.

REI

You left yourself open.

USAGI

That's what I've heard about you, Rei-chan... you're always open... for business.

REI

Never insult a pyrokinetic. Remember "Firestarter"?

USAGI

No, but I remember "Cujo"...

EVERYONE ELSE

Wooooooooooooo...

REI

You're goin' down, Pretty Soldier Girl...

AMI

All right, shut up! Save all the mindless banter for when we're supposed to be fighting. It's more comedic.

USAGI, REI

Gomen ne.

USAGI

AHEM. All right, minna. It's time to get naked and amuse the otaku.

ALL

Hai!

USAGI

Moon Cosmic Power!

REI

Mars Star Power!

MINAKO

Venus Star Power!

AMI

Mercury Star Power!

MAKO

Jupiter Star Power!

ALL

MAKE UP!

MINAKO

But not Revlon, okay? It gives me a rash...

USAGI

Shut up and transform.

MINAKO

Right.

[all the girls are transformed into their scandalous yet highly recognizable and clean cut Sailor Senshi forms, and pose...]

BAKA CAMERAMAN

All right, Venus, arch your back... now lick your lips...

SAILOR MOON

VENUS!

SAILOR VENUS

Oh, COME ON, can't I pick up a little money on the side?

SAILOR MOON

Well...

LUNA

Oh, SHUT UP. Go kill off yet another moronic enemy, while I sit and do nothing in the relative safety of downtown Tokyo.

SAILOR MOON

HAI! Minna, let's go!

[and they all run off to the bad guys secret hideout, known only to them and many other citizens of the planet Earth, and a few from Andromeda Prime. The hideout conveniently is located next door to the theater, and marked with a big sign on the door that reads "Three Bills Hideout".]

****************************************************************************

[ commercial break ]

[ eyecatch: Sailor Moon slides out from the side, winks as a question mark flies out from her eye, spins and makes Satanic hand gestures with her hands, gets tangled up in her ponytails and falls down, off the screen, shouting "Itai!" Highly paid voice actresses sing, "Sailor Moon Stu-pid!"]

[ commercial ]

[LUNA is crushed underneath the hiragana for...]

UNCREDITED KIDS (singing)

Baka-Yoshi!

CRAZY ANNOUNCER

Hai, minna! Right now you can buy a lot of inane Sailor Moon surplus that you can't get in stores! Including... * Sailor Moon: The Plastic Explosives! * Sailor Moon: The Blow-Up Doll! * The complete Tiger's Eye battle uniform! Including fishnet stockings and real whip! * Evil Smiley Face Guy kit! Turn off the lights and be Professor Tomoe in the comfort of your own home! * And who can forget the best selling book... the Wisdom of Sailor Moon [flips through book, the pages are all blank]

So kids, buy today and make Japan's GNP kick the crap out of every other nation for the bazillionth time!

[new commercial]

[people sing something unintelligible as the claymation Chocoball bird comes out and runs down the street carrying a box of Chocoballs in his surprisingly large mouth. He is subsequently gunned down by two rednecks.

REDNECK #1

Whoooo-ee Billy Bob! Done got me a BIG 'UN!

REDNECK #2

Well I'll be jimmied! Chocoballs!

REDNECK #1

There'll be a feast tonight!

[miscellaneous YEE HAW-ing]

UNDERPAID, UNKNOWN WOMAN (singing)

Morinaga... Chocoball!

[another commercial]

ANNOUNCER

Hey all you homeless people! Are you tired of having to watch Sailor Moon through the store windows? Well, we here at SONY have found a solution... The new Sony DUMPSTERMAN! That's right, you'll be able to watch shows in the comfort of your own dumpster!

SAILOR MOON (on the wall of the dumpster)

Moon Spiral Heart... Attack!

ANNOUNCER

Sony Dumpsterman, only 100,000 aluminum cans...

[back from commercial]

[eyecatch]

****************************************************************************

[slow evil music plays. That's a sure sign that the bad guys are about to be displayed]

BANDAI

What is our plan, oh brothers in unrestrained evil?

GATES

To conquer the world, of course. And we will do it in the following way... we will create an operating system so stupid, so cheesy, that people will actually WANT to use it... but it will be programmed so shoddily that their computers will CRASH! And we will RULE THE WORLD as the GLOBAL NETWORKS FALL!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

CLINTON

What's a computer?

GATES

Is he always like this?

BANDAI

Yeah, but he's a good speaker when you write his speeches for him. Now for my portion of the plan... everyone will buy my seemingly innocent toys and pay their hardearned money for them!

CLINTON

So then the toys will rise up and destroy them?

BANDAI

No, you ninny, they just SIT there. People will go nuts wondering WHEN they'll rise up and destroy them.

GATES

So why would they buy them if they already know?

BANDAI

People love controversy. Why do you think you can buy the Necronomicon in paperback?

GATES

Point made. What are YOU going to do, Clinton?

CLINTON

Throw up on the Prime Minister?

BANDAI

Been done.

CLINTON

Drop big bombs on civilian targets?

GATES

Done.

CLINTON

Summon an entity from another galaxy by finding a religious artifact and empowering it with a pure heart?

BANDAI

Come on, Clinton, be original.

CLINTON

How about I just sit here and pretend to do something?

GATES

Hey, it works in the United States. Go for it.

BANDAI

Wait, we're forgetting something. The perennial evil badguy laugh that comes at the end of our opening scene.

ALL

WAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

CLINTON

I don't get it.

[cut back to the Sailor Senshi outside the Three Bills Hideout]

SAILOR MOON

Ara, ara... how are we going to get in?

SAILOR MERCURY

The door would work nicely, but it's locked.

SAILOR MARS

Nine out of ten Sailor Senshi prefer using doors to being thrown through them.

SAILOR MOON

Who's the tenth?

[evil grins among the Senshi as they grab SAILOR MOON and use her head as a battering ram to open the door. The door, meeting SAILOR MOON's rock hard skull, collapses, allowing them entry.]

SAILOR MOON

IYADA! I didn't PREFER that!

SAILOR MARS

I guess we'll have to do that survey again, then.

[the Senshi file into the building, and are almost immediately set upon by two bizarre looking masked ninjas wearing hot pink uniforms]

NINJA #1

Hahaha! We are the Ninja Ninnies!

SAILOR MOON

Oh no! Ninja Ninnies!

NINJA #2

We will defeat you, and take your Miller Lite!

SAILOR MOON

We're too young and innocent to drink.

[everyone turns and BLINKS at SAILOR MOON and randomly say, "Yeah... okay... whatever."]

NINJA #2

Well... we shall defeat you nonetheless!

SAILOR MARS

I don't THINK so.

NINJA #2

Who do you think you are?!

NINJA #1

You IDIOT! You HAD TO ASK! Don't you know what happens when you ask that!

[SAILOR MOON goes into THE POSE(tm)...]

SAILOR MOON

Ai to seigino... sailor fuku bishoujo senshi...

SAILOR SENSHI

SAILOR TEAMU WA!

SAILOR MOON

Tsuki ni kawatte...

SAILOR SENSHI

OSHIOKIYO!

[the NINJA NINNIES smack their foreheads in exasperation]

NINJA #1

Gee, I wonder how many more times they'll do that this episode.

NINJA #2

Care to wager?

NINJA #1

Sure...

SAILOR MOON

AHEM!

NINJA #1

Go away, we're busy.

[the Sailor Senshi exchange confused looks, then walk down the stairs past the NINJA NINNIES, and find themselves in a not so secret lab. They stop in horror as they suddenly see that a weird old guy has NARU-CHAN in his grip...]

SAILOR MOON

Naru-chan!

NARU-CHAN

Sailor Moon!

BRAD

Janet!

JANET

Brad!

FRANKENFURTER

Rocky!

CROW

Chief!

TOM SERVO

MacLeod!

ROCKY

Whoops, sorry, wrong show...

[RHPS and MST3K cast exit...]

TED TURNER

Senshi! You're just in time to witness the successor to my COLORIZING DEVICE!

SAILOR MOON

What are you talking about?!

[TED TURNER just laughs...]

TED TURNER

One!

[a table slams up and straps NARU-CHAN in with metal restraints...]

TED TURNER

Two!

[NARU-CHAN screams as her throat glows, and a glowing cassette pops out of it... her voice goes silent...]

TED TURNER

THREE!

[The tape is replaced by a black tape which enters NARU-CHAN'S throat]

TED TURNER

Behold my creation!

SAILOR MOON

Naru-chan?!

NARU-CHAN

(in a really bad New Jersey accent) Naru-chan? My name's MOLLY!

[SAILOR MOON face-faults]

SAILOR MARS

Oh my GOD, she's HIDEOUS!

SAILOR MOON

For horribly deflicting my friend, I WON'T FORGIVE YOU! Ai to seigino...

NINJA #1

That's two...

NINJA #2

We'll see who wins...

SAILOR MOON

... OSHIOKIYO!

TED TURNER

You may have popularity among a wide range of viewers in Japan, but in the United States, *I* am all powerful! Go forth, Molly, and lay waste to all that which the Japanese fans hold dear to them

NARU-CHAN (MOLLY)

Negaverse! Negaverse!

[The SAILOR SENSHI scream and cover their ears!]

ANNOYING ANNOUNCER

Could this be the end of the Sailor Senshi? Well... probably not. Tune in next time for the exciting continuation of...

[HIGHLY PAID SINGERS sing "Sai-lor Moon Stu-pid!"]

(CREDITS ROLL)

[scenes of the next ep are displayed]

USAGI

Next time on Sailor Moon Stupid... the Sailor Senshi will probably defeat Ted Turner, just as you expected! But you have to watch to figure out exactly HOW! Muhahaha! Oh yeah, a lot of other stuff will happen too! So don't miss it!

[Sponsors are displayed]

ANNOUNCER

This show was brought to you by... BANDAI! THEY OWN EVERYTHING! FORGET IT! You CAN'T COMPETE! Just BUY THEIR STUFF!

[and now, a screen that reads "SLAM DUNK" comes on, and everyone changes the channel, as basketball guys speak Japanese and play b-ball]

[END OF EP #1]