[Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown Episode #4]
[Shut up. I know it's been a long time in coming.]
[opening stupidity]
USAGI
Next time on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown! We get a special visit from the MIB who inform us that we're on earth without a pass! Iyada! What will we do?! Stay tuned!
[OP song]
[in Ottawa, MIMET and EUDIAL are pitching the Sailor Moon show to YTV employees]
EUDIAL
And so you see that our show has one of the highest target audiences and best ratings of any show in Japan.
MIMET
Partially because our audience is made up of perverts who get off watching animated girls in short skirts.
EUDIAL
Exactly. However, since the majority of Canadians don't speak Japanese, we'll have to dub it into English. I was thinking of getting Jerry Lewis for Tuxedo Kamen.
MIMET
We'll also have to add tons of commercials. Which means we'll have to cut any questionable scenes.
EUDIAL
Haruka and Michiru have to go.
MIMET
Yep. And so do the Sailor Starlights. They're unworkable.
[YTV board members stare blankly]
EUDIAL [whispering]
Good. Our hypnotic suggestion device has convinced them to listen to every word we say.
MIMET
Ooh! Can I steal their wallets.
[pause]
EUDIAL
Yes.
MIMET
Yatta!
[EP title: Here Come the Men in Black! Galaxy Defenders.]
[at the Hikawa Shrine, the five Inner Senshi, LUNA, and ARTEMIS are gathered]
REI
So, Artemis, is it true that you're part of the Aryan White Cat Power nation?
MAKOTO
Yeah. What does that mean you think about Luna? Should she ride in the back of the Sailor Teleport?
ARTEMIS
Screw you guys! I am not racist against black cats!
REI
Maybe Artemis needs to start a seven step program. Like the one Minako-chan went on when she had that bulimia problem.
MINAKO
Feh! I did NOT have bulimia! That was a stomach flu! Everything I ate just came back up.
AMI
They usually do when you put your fingers down your throat.
MINAKO
SHUT UP, AMI-CHAN!!
MAKOTO
Stop picking on Minako-chan, minna, she's still on antidepressants.
MINAKO
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
REI
What's the matter, Minako-chan, the Midol doesn't do anything?
MINAKO
YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I'LL KILL YOU!
USAGI
NE MINNA-SAN!
[everyone turns to look at USAGI]
USAGI
I think we need to find the Sailor Starlights! I think they can help us find out where the Ma Kare Na Ninja Clan is coming from.
AMI
Usagi-chan does have a reasonable idea. Maybe we should stop picking on each other and see how to find these Sailor Starlights.
MAKOTO
Ano... would Haruka-san and Michiru-san know them? They seem to be about equal in arrogance.
AMI
Somehow I don't think so.
MAKOTO
What makes you say that?
AMI
Haruka-san and Michiru-san don't like boys. Even if they do turn into girls.
MAKOTO
Oh, yeah. You have a point.
USAGI
I know where we have to go...
[everyone looks at USAGI]
USAGI
Minna-san, we need to go to the Tokyo Tower.
REI
A... ano. How do you know?
USAGI
Because it's always where we wind up meeting weird aliens.
REI
Oh yeah... as slim as our plotline is, I seem to be forgetting it.
USAGI
Ikuwayo!
[commercial break]
OVERLY CHARISMATIC ANNOUNCER
Are you ready for the ultimate match? Capcom and Bandai have teamed up to bring you the most exciting tag team match ever! Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon vs. Street Fighter! Thrill to the pointless, unbalanced battles! Get beaten by little Vietnamese kids who only pick Ryu and Akuma! And use the amazing team up cheaters move that lets you take off all your enemy's energy in one hit! Welcome to the adventure!
TV ASAHI DUDE
We know you think FUJI TV sucks, but just in case you want to watch something else by this author, be sure to catch Dragonball Zzz... on that station. Or coming soon to his web site. Or maybe never.
[back from commercial]
[transformation music begins]
USAGI
Moon Crisis Make Up!
AMI
Mercury Crystal Power, Make Up!
REI
Mars Crystal Power, Make Up!
MAKOTO
Jupiter Crystal Power, Make Up!
MINAKO
Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!
[the team gathers together and shouts in unison...]
SAILOR SENSHI
SAILOR TEAM!
SAILOR MOON
Tsuki ni kawatte, oshikiyo!
[suddenly, a black Ford LTD pulls up. The MIB music begins playing as Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith climb out]
J
What we got here, K?
K
Looks like a group of alien super heroines about to go into battle.
J
Is that legal?
K
Not very. You girls got a permit?
SAILOR MOON
Uh... who are you guys?
K
Young lady... you should know the answer to that question.
SAILOR MERCURY
Ara... Men in Black?!
K
Bingo. Tell the girl what she's won, J.
J
She 'bout to win an all expense paid trip back to her home planet if she don't be showin' us some ID.
K
Right you are, sport. Now, who's in charge here?
SAILOR MOON
Uh... me?
K
Why don't you kids have IDs?
SAILOR MOON
What... you think we have pockets in this get up?
K
Let me rephrase it. Why don't you have it at all?
SAILOR MOON
Because we're fighters for love and justice! Er, and no one told us we needed ID.
K
Kid, all aliens on Earth are required to be registered with the Bureau of Alien Affairs.
SAILOR MARS
Even in Canada?
K
They have one there too, but half of it's owned by the French.
SAILOR MOON
Um... we aren't registered. We were born on other planets, but reincarnated here. Aren't we covered under some sort of grandfathering clause?
SAILOR JUPITER
Yeah! And what about Superman? Does he have a permit?
K
I'll have to check. And I'm not permitted to disclose any information about other aliens.
SAILOR VENUS
Oh, please. Can't you just tell us one thing? Is that Chris Tucker guy an alien in disguise?
J
Heh. As if you couldn't tell by the voice.
SAILOR VENUS
I knew it! How about Ellen DeGeneres?
J
She comes from a planet of all women.
SAILOR VENUS
Whoa, space lesbians!
SAILOR MARS
Just like Gall Force!
K
J, stop telling them stuff.
J
It's okay, K. We're gonna flashy-thing them anyway.
K
Yeah. I guess it's okay, then. Anyway, in my regs manual, it says you girls are okay to stay here, but you need to file a form at your local Alien Superhero Information Center.
[J and K put on their Ray-Bans. K takes out his Neuralyzer.]
SAILOR MOON
Oh! Okay. See you guys later.
K
No. You won't.
[FLASH]
SAILOR MOON
Aaah! I can't remember my name!
J
Yo, K? I told you you was gonna mess someone's brain up like that...
K
No, she just doesn't respond well to flashing lights. Like that show that gave all those kids seizures. They'll be fine. Let's go.
[the MIB get in the car and go away]
SAILOR MERCURY
That was weird. I don't remember a thing.
SAILOR JUPITER
What was it we were supposed to be doing?
SAILOR MARS
I think we're supposed to be finding the Ma Kare Na Ninja Clan. Or the Sailor Starlights. Or something.
SAILOR MOON [still holding her head]
Aiya aiya. Let's go up the tower and see what we can find.
[meanwhile on top of the tower]
SAILOR STAR HEALER
They're coming.
SAILOR STAR MAKER
See if you can spit on them.
[the Starlights spit off the tower, trying to hit the Sailor Senshi]
[riding the elevator up]
SAILOR MOON
Minnasan! Look! Ma Kare Na Clan Ninjas!
NINJA
Kiare!
SAILOR MARS
Right! Time to earn our minimum wage!
SAILOR MERCURY
Mercury Bohemian Rhapsody!
QUEEN
Beelzebub! As the devil put aside for me...
SAILOR JUPITER
For me...
SAILOR TEAM and QUEEN
For meeeeeeeeeee!
[the Sailor Team begins headbanging to the sounds of Bohemian Rhapsody. Several ninjas are clobbered and fall to their deaths.]
SAILOR JUPITER
Check this one out. I NEVER get to use this one on the anime, but I am now. Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!
[a coconut sized ball of lightning strikes the ground and explodes into a column, vaporizing several ninjas]
SAILOR MOON
Ano.. Coconut Cyclone?
SAILOR JUPITER
Yeah. It's in the manga. For some reason, they never saw fit to let me use it in the anime. All of us Inner Senshi had one.
SAILOR MOON
Really?! You had more attacks than me?
SAILOR MARS
We'll show you. Mars Snake Fire!
SAILOR MERCURY
Mercury Aqua Mirage!
SAILOR VENUS
Venus Wink-Chain Sword!
[many more ninjas are vaporized]
SAILOR MOON
Gahh... SUGOI! I had no idea you had those.
SAILOR VENUS
Kind of makes you yearn for the black and white panels of a manga, doesn't it?
SAILOR MARS
Oh yeah. There's more, though. Hey, Sailor Saturn! C'mere!
[SATURN walks on from off camera]
SAILOR SATURN
Hai?
SAILOR MARS
Do all your attacks, even the obscure ones.
SAILOR SATURN
Er... okay.
[SATURN summons the Silence Glaive]
SAILOR SATURN
Death Ribbon Revolution! Silence Buster! Silence Glaive Apply!
[even more ninjas are cut down]
SAILOR MOON [fascinated]
KAKKOII! What are Uranus and Neptune's?
SAILOR SATURN
Eh... Sailor Uranus has Space Sword Blaster. Neptune has Submarine Reflection. Pluto has Chronos Typhoon and Jikan Teishi. All of those attacks were relegated to the manga and video games because our animators were too cheesy to draw them. Well, they did do Uranus and Neptune's, but they looked crappy.
SAILOR MARS
Yes, it's a good thing they look so cool here.
SAILOR SATURN
I know. The fans must be raving. Anyway, I'm off to play Battleship with the Grim Reaper. Have fun.
SAILOR TEAM
Ja ne.
SAILOR MOON
OK! Now I'm ready to fight the Ma Kare Na Ninjas!!
[all the ninjas are dead]
SAILOR MOON [pikupiku]
I didn't even get to fight one! That's not fair!
SAILOR VENUS
Next time, be more destructive.
SAILOR MARS
It doesn't matter what we hit. We live in a city that gets destroyed by monsters and nuclear missiles bi-weekly.
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Sailor Moon...
SAILOR MOON
Doko?!
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Right here. We've been waiting for you, Sailor Team.
SAILOR MOON
What do you know about the Ma Kare Na Ninja Clan?
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
We don't care about your silly ninja clans. We have to find our princess.
[STAR FIGHTER holds up a milk carton with a picture of Princess Kakyuu on it. It says, "HAVE YOU SEEN ME?"]
SAILOR MOON
Your princess is missing? You told me she died.
SAILOR STAR HEALER
We lied. She stepped out to the 7-11 for a Big Gulp about 5 years ago and never returned.
SAILOR MARS
Why did you wait until now before searching for her?
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
We thought it was just taking her a really long time to drink the Big Gulp.
SAILOR VENUS
What is your sexual preference?
SAILOR STAR HEALER
We're aliens.
SAILOR MERCURY
Oh! Do you abduct people?
SAILOR JUPITER
Have you ever given people an anal probe?
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
You people are sick! We're not that kind of aliens.
[the MIB music starts again as Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones appear yet again]
K
Well, well, well. Look what we have here.
J
A buncha scary lookin' alien bitches here on an unauthorized landing.
SAILOR MARS
We told them not to, but they hit us.
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
What?! Don't touch us! We're on a mission!
[J takes out his Noisy Cricket]
J
Get yo skanky-ass alien self down that elevator, or I will knock yo punk ass down!
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
This isn't over! We'll leave no stone unturned!
J
Yeah, yeah.
K
Thanks for calling us and telling us about these weirdos, Sailor Moon.
[everyone BLINKS at SAILOR MOON]
SAILOR JUPITER
You told them...
SAILOR MERCURY
... about the Starlights?!
SAILOR MOON
Of course! I did it when we were headed over here, using my Motorola Cellular Phone! Technology can make even the dumbest cartoon character into a virtual genius! The sentai Ranger shows would be a bunch of guys in spandex otherwise!
SAILOR MARS
I can't believe it! First the Florida Marlins win the World Series! Then the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a good record! Then, Dale Earnhardt wins the Daytona 500. Now, Sailor Moon appears to be smart at the end of an episode!
SAILOR VENUS
I know, Rei-chan. I'm scared too...
[creepy music]
[wipe to MIMET and EUDIAL]
EUDIAL
Yes! They purchased our show!
MIMET
Ne, sister! Can I do the voice of Usagi on the show?
EUDIAL
Don't ask me. You'll have to call Andy Heyward and ask him. I wonder how our Sailor Starlights are faring against Sailor Moon and her friends.
[EUDIAL's cellular phone rings]
EUDIAL
Hello? Seiya. You're where? In JAIL?! *sigh* We'll be there in a few hours.
(she hangs up)
EUDIAL
Seiya, Yaten, and Taiki are in jail! They got arrested by Men in Black!
MIMET
Did they put them in men's prison, or women's prison?
EUDIAL
OH, SHUT UP! The boy/girl joke is really running thin. We have to go bail them out. I guess we lost this episode.
MIMET
We lose every episode. We're villains, remember.
EUDIAL
Mimet, you need to understand that even though we are villains, it would not be a decent show without us. Just as there is no Roadrunner without Wile E. Coyote and no Batman without a Joker, there's no Sailor Moon without us!
MIMET
If we quit the show, there would be no more Sailor Moon, then?
EUDIAL
Well, yes, but then we wouldn't get paid.
MIMET
Oh. OK. Why don't we go on strike then?
EUDIAL
That's not a bad idea. Maybe I'll call the Villains Union and see if they'll back us up on this...
[Ending nonsense]
USAGI
On the next Sailor Smackdown! The Villains go on STRIKE! What will we do with no one around to fight?! Find out on the next episode of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown! Tsuki no hikari wa, ai no message!
[Fin]