[Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown Episode #3]

[written by Kevin Bruner]

[DISCLAIMER: The author is not attempting to challenge any copyrights or product licenses through this work. By reading this, you agree to enjoy this because it's funny.]

TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER

Thank you for joining us for Otaku no Asskicker. And now...

[the Sailor Star song begins playing]

USAGI

Today, on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown! Eudial and Mimet come back with a villainous plot to take over all of Canada! Whoo! I can hardly watch, and I'm the star of the show! Coming up, on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown.

MR. IKUHARA

Don't worry kids, only thirty minutes, then you can watch Jigoku Sensei Nuube.

KIDS

Yaaaaay!

[the Smackdown OP plays, then a screen appears]

ANNOUNCER

Today's secret word is... Huggbees!

EVERYONE

Huggbees!

ANNOUNCER

Yes, we stole this bit from Warner Brothers because it's funny. Besides, we just like saying 'huggbees'. Go on, try it. Huggbees.

[fade in. Establishing shot, USAGI's house. USAGI is sitting in her room, with an open English textbook in front of her, only she is not studying, she's picking her nose, and squinting comically at the camera.]

[LUNA leaps onto the window sill.]

LUNA

Usagi-chan!

[USAGI jumps]

USAGI

Are...!

[USAGI pokes her brain and knocks herself into unconsciousness, with her finger still up her nose.]

LUNA

Oh no! Usagi-chan is in trouble! I've got to get help.

[LUNA leaps onto the windowsill but is startled to hear the sounds of teleportation, which have obviously been stolen from Star Trek. The Three Lights stand in Senshi form next to USAGI]

SAILOR STAR FIGHTER

Your princess seems to be in an awkward position.

SAILOR STAR HEALER

You should keep closer watch on her. Our princess died like this.

LUNA

With her finger up her nose?

SAILOR STAR HEALER

Yes... I mean, no, stupid! Died because no one paid attention to her.

SAILOR STAR FIGHTER

We'll summon help, this time. But next time, you might not be so lucky.

[The Sailor Starlights vanish]

[Seconds later, REI and AMI burst into the room]

REI

Oh, no...

AMI

Usagi-chan!

[REI starts to laugh]

AMI

This is serious! She'll give herself a cerebral hemhorrage!

REI

No she won't, she does this all the time. Watch.

[REI pulls USAGI's hand, and her finger pops out of her nose with a cartoon "pop." USAGI begins to come around.]

USAGI

U... uso. What happened?

LUNA

You were picking your nose again and knocked yourself out! Stop doing that!

USAGI

Na... nani? Picking my nose? Eheheheheheh! I don't do that.

[Ep title: "Oh Canada! Mimet and Eudial's Wicked Plan!"]

[Meanwhile, MIMET and EUDIAL are watching this scene on their viewscreen, which looks suspiciously like Picture Picture from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.]

MIMET

Ha! She picks her nose.

EUDIAL

Shut up, sister. You do too.

MIMET [huffs]

I do not! I'm just scratching it.

EUDIAL

Stupid. Don't you know it's physically impossible for an anime character to pick his or her nose?

MIMET

Ehhh...?

EUDIAL

We have no nostrils, you fool. Our noses are made of lines.

MIMET

Oh. You're right... then, sister, how did she...?

EUDIAL

It's a plot hole, Mimet. This is getting written at 3 AM again.

MIMET

Oh. Writer error. I get it.

EUDIAL [walks over to a large computer map]

Back to business. Now, this is a map of North America. And this... is Canada.

MIMET

I've heard of Canada. Don't they manufacture moose there?

EUDIAL

Yes, and their policemen wear goofy red suits, like Dudley Do-Right.

MIMET

Why would anyone want to model themselves after Dudley Do-Right?

EUDIAL

Your guess is as good as mine.

MIMET

What use could Canada possibly be to us? Natural resources? Money? Informants? Pure hearts?

EUDIAL

Even better... drooling fanboys!

MIMET

Oooooh. That IS better.

EUDIAL

My scheme to conquer is so brilliant! What I'll do is create a network with only shows that fanboys want to watch. Then, I'll show Sailor Moon reruns on it so many times, people will hate her! Once they hate her, they pull the show in North America, merchandising stops, Bandai's stock drops, which means Toei's stock drops, which means they have to downsize, fire Sailor Moon artists, and the show will soon be pulled for lack of quality! I'm so smart I terrify myself.

MIMET [clapping]

Oh, sister! Brilliant! I had thought you were going to completely botch us. But you have restored my faith!

EUDIAL

Thank you Mimet. It's nice being able to work together instead of having you try to kill me.

MIMET [sweating]

Huh? Oh, yes. Well, what are sisters for? By the way, I think I need to make an adjustment to your hatchback. Where are the wire cutters? Ah, here they are. I'll be right back.

[MIMET hurries out the door with a pair of wire cutters. There is a hood pop, something snip, and a few items hit the ground]

EUDIAL [sighing happily]

It's nice to have such a thoughtful sister.

[meanwhile, at HARUKA and MICHIRU's house, the four OUTER SENSHI, including HOTARU at age 16 (she seems to have stabilized) are sitting in the living room, gravely discussing a matter]

HARUKA

Minnasan, we have a serious problem.

MICHIRU [wearing headphones, holding a Sony Discman]

I know. Have you HEARD this Sailor Starlights henshin music? It could be cooler than ours!

SETSUNA

If I may interject, while the Sailor Starlights henshin music may be somewhat cooler than ours, the characters themselves are not, in effect, more merchandisable. Nobody wants to pay several thousand yen for an effeminate male character who becomes a scantily clad masculinized female character.

MICHIRU [singing along with the music...]

Starlights... do do do doooo, do dooo doo... Starlights...

[everyone glares at MICHIRU]

MICHIRU

Gomen ne! I can't help it... the song... almost... hypnotic... must... play again...

[the Discman begins to vibrate and glow]

HARUKA

Michiru!

[HARUKA slaps the Discman and the headphones away from MICHIRU. It lands on the ground nearby. It starts to reform into a daimon, but HOTARU summons the Silence Glaive and impales it. A white, blimp shaped egg pops out of the destroyed Discman and cracks, letting a shrieking bit of shadow float upwards, and then vanish...]

HOTARU

That could have been dangerous.

MICHIRU [blinking]

The song... it's... evil?

SETSUNA

It explains why the fans continue to watch the Sailor Starlights. The song gets into their heads and will not leave. They spend the day humming the wretched tune, and then when it finally hypnotizes them, it consumes their soul, as well as their bank accounts, from ordering import CDs.

HARUKA

I don't understand. Why don't they just buy those cheap pirated CDs? I think they're called "Son Gokuu" or something like that.

SETSUNA

Haruka-san, this is neither the time, nor the place to worry about pirated CDs. We must do what we can to protect the Silver Millenium from bad Japanese pop-techno henshin songs.

HARUKA

Right! Gaibu Taiyoukei no Shi Senshi have entered this battle!

DROOLING OTAKU

Did you know that Gaibu Taiyoukei no Shi Senshi could translate as either "Outer Galaxy Four Senshi" or "Outer Galaxy Death Senshi?"

HARUKA

Shut up and go away.

HOTARU

Haruka-sama, did anyone ever tell you that you look suspiciously like Ellen DeGeneres?

SETSUNA [mumbles]

Acts like her too.

HARUKA

Hotaru, if you weren't the Senshi of Destruction and Rebirth, I would kill you in ways that would make Satan himself say, "Ow, isn't that a little bit excessive?"

HOTARU

Oh well, at least no one will ever mistake Ellen for being a male.

HARUKA [growling]

I know where you sleep, Hotaru-chan.

MICHIRU

End this tasteless scene, right now.

HOTARU

Wait, before we go... HUGGBEES!

[In the park downtown in Juban-ku... a bunch of stupid kids are playing janken, also known as 'paper-rock-scissors']

UMINO

Oh yeah? Well, I shift to Crinos!

NARU

Yeah, Ryo. You have to make a Static Test to see if you hose your shorts.

RYO

No fair!

NARU

Sorry. Rules are rules.

[USAGI walks up]

UMINO

Oh no! It's Sailor Moon!

USAGI

Yes, I am Sailor Moon, and in the name of the Moon, I shall punish you! Now make a Static Physical Test, I'm throwing my Moon Tiara at you, Naughtyspawn!

UMINO and USAGI

Ichi... ni... san.

USAGI

Ha! I win! I Moon Tiara you and you take 500 aggravated damage! Make up a new character, Umino.

UMINO

Darn! I hate these stupid White Wolf Crossovers. Are you sure that Sailor Senshi is really a White Wolf sphere?

USAGI

Ummmmmm... yes?

[Suddenly, ninjas leap into view from every direction.]

UMINO

Oh no! Ass Mite Clan Ninjas!

USAGI [thinking]

Those aren't Ass Mites... they're Ma Kare Na Ninjas!

NARU

I want to challenge them to a Physical Test.

USAGI

Don't! They'll physically test you! [thinking] I can't change in front of the others!

VOICE

Hold it right there!

USAGI

Ehhhh?

[Four figures stand together, complete with a nifty sound effect.]

SAILOR URANUS

Hi-yeeeeeee! Didja miss us?

SAILOR NEPTUNE

It has been a while, hasn't it, since we saved your butts from the Three Bills in Sailor Moon Stupid #4.

USAGI [blinks]

What happened to your fancy intro pose?

SAILOR URANUS

Oh, you mean the one that goes...

[intro pose music begins]

SAILOR URANUS

Invited by a new age, Sailor Uranus! Standing in elegance!

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Also invited by a new age, Sailor Neptune! Standing in beauty!

SAILOR PLUTO

In charge of time, Sailor Pluto!

SAILOR SATURN

And representing the Shadow World, the Senshi of Creation and Destruction, Sailor Saturn!

SAILOR URANUS

The Outer Senshi...

OUTER SENSHI

... are here!

[pose! sound effect]

SAILOR URANUS

You mean that intro?

USAGI

Uh huh.

SAILOR URANUS

We don't do that anymore.

USAGI

Oh.

SAILOR URANUS

Come now, Outer Senshi. Time to employ our poorly animated non-Gainax attacks!

[SAILOR URANUS produces the Space Sword as NEPTUNE produces the Deep Aqua Mirror]

SAILOR URANUS

Space Sword... Blaster!

[URANUS tosses a strange looking poorly animated crescent and kills several ninjas]

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Submarine... Reflection!

[NEPTUNE shows the ninjas their reflection, which somehow kills them]

SAILOR PLUTO

Bad news, Uranus, Neptune.

SAILOR URANUS

What's up?

SAILOR PLUTO

They never drew secondary attacks for Saturn and I.

SAILOR NEPTUNE

What? No new attacks? Well, I guess you won't get to fight. Now we're going to get beaten.

SAILOR URANUS

Yep. We might as well give up right now. Hey ninjas? We surrender.

[The ninjas scratch their heads in confusion]

VOICE

You can't give up now! What kind of role model would that set for the children of Japan?

[the Outer Senshi look up. Cue Sailor Starlights music. Starlights appear from silhouettes]

SAILOR STARLIGHTS

Sailor Starlights, koko ni tanjou!

SAILOR SATURN [brandishing her Glaive threateningly]

Sailor Starlights! You are responsible for the lack of funding for our animation budget!

SAILOR STAR HEALER

That's right! Why should our animators settle for drawing lesbians when they can draw scantily clad large chested females?

SAILOR URANUS

You are all evil! You invaded our galaxy from the outside!

SAILOR STAR FIGHTER

Don't threaten us, Sailor Uranus, you don't yet know our important purpose here.

SAILOR URANUS

This better be good.

SAILOR STAR FIGHTER

We are here to save your show from being cancelled!

SAILOR URANUS

Wow, really?

SAILOR STAR FIGHTER

Suuuuure. You believe us don't you?

SAILOR URANUS

Well, now that you mention it... HEY! They disappeared!

SAILOR SATURN

This sucks.

SAILOR PLUTO

Hey, no abusive language, Hotaru. This is a family show.

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Yep, that's why we show naked girls and people getting blown up. No one gets their souls ripped out - what do people think this is, a Hellraiser film?

[flashing caption - "TEDIOUS MORALIZING AND SELF-DELUSION"]

SAILOR SATURN

Before we go... HUGGBEES!

SAILOR PLUTO

Stop saying that.

SAILOR SATURN

Sorry.

SAILOR URANUS [sheathing the Space Sword]

Come, Outer Senshi! To the Batcave!

[campy sixties HARUKA head zooms in, then out with corny sixties sound effect]

[meanwhile, at Maison Ikkokku]

[Seinfeld bass guitar/trumpet introduction. JERRY, KRAMER, and ELAINE are in KRAMER's apartment]

KRAMER

Well, this is my apartment.

JERRY SEINFELD

Kramer, are you sure about this, it's kinda small?

ELAINE

Yeah, Kramer, it's hard to be 'master of your domain' when everyone on the planet is peeking in.

[ELAINE goes over to the closet and opens it. YOTSUYA falls out. ELAINE screeches.]

ELAINE

Kramer, there's a creepy Japanese guy in your closet.

KRAMER

Yeah! The apartment manager said that he came with the place. I got a good deal, didn't I?

[bass guitar]

[commercial break]

VOICEOVER

Sailor Smackdown is brought to you by Son May, leader in pirated CDs for the entire world.

[SquareSoft Commercial]

VOICEOVER

Coming soon from SquareSoft: Final Fantasy Final: The Final Final Fantasy! Enjoy graphics so good, you'll walk back to the store and slap the guy who sold it to you! Final Fantasy Final! Only from SquareSoft!

[back to the show]

[EUDIAL and MIMET land at the airport in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada]

MIMET

Well, here we are, eh? It's cold here, eh?

EUDIAL

Yes. So this is Canada. This is the first time a character on this show has traveled to another continent and survived with their sanity intact.

MIMET

What about that Reika girl, eh?

EUDIAL

Quiet, you.

MIMET

So, we're going to go find a broadcasting tower, eh?

EUDIAL [pauses]

Mimet, why do you keep saying 'eh'?

MIMET

Just getting into character, eh? Trying to fit in, eh?

EUDIAL

Stop it, or I'm going to call this trip off on account of having to beat the sense back into you.

MIMET [shutting up]

Suggestion noted.

EUDIAL

Good, now follow me, eh? Oh, hell. Now you've got me saying it, too.

VAL

And now, a public service announcement. All Canadians do not say "eh". The ones that do not say "eh" say, "Right on." because they're from British Columbia. And now back to our show.

EUDIAL

Holy crap! We're almost out of time!

MIMET

Then we'll just have to take over Canada quickly!

EUDIAL

No time! We must begin our evil YTV network immediately, and show the people what happens next episode.

MIMET

Oh yeah! Like between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

EUDIAL

Hey, now you're catching on.

MIMET

Wait a minute! HUGGBEES!

EUDIAL

ENOUGH with the Huggbees! GEEZ!

[Ending nonsense.]

USAGI

Next time on Sailor Moon! We get in deep doo doo for being aliens from another planet and not having a permit! Join us next time as special guest stars Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones show up for a surprise visit! On Sailor Smackdown!

VOICEOVER

Coming up next on Jigoku Sensei Nuuuuuuuuuuuuube! Nuube's new student Erik wants to make a bong out of a demon's skull! Of course, to do that, he's going to need to take on a demon. Can Nuube-sensei smack some sense back into his chemically induced student? Maybe so!

[The end, tune in next time.]