[Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown Episode #2]
[written by Kevin Bruner]
[DISCLAIMER: The author is not attempting to challenge any copyrights or product licenses through this work.]
TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER
We interrupt tonight's scheduled baseball game to bring you this anime!
[cue the "Makenai!" song, with no lyrics]
USAGI
Today, on Sailor Smackdown! We learn the true identities of the Ninja Ninnies.Then after that, we meet up with the Leather Clad Freaks... the Sailor Starlights! As well as what Minako does in a kink shop!
MINAKO
Shut up, Usagi!
USAGI
Oh. Right. Well... enjoy the show!
[OP begins]
SINGERS (to the tune of Ranma 1/2's first opener)
Makenai! Makenai! Iishanten! Zettai! Ashitae! Sa-a-ailor Air...
MR. IKUHARA
That was just WRONG. Forget the opener.
[OP ends]
[ESTABLISHING SHOT: Secret Base of the Bad Guys, where the two NINJA NINNIES from SAILOR MOON STUPID are plotting.]
NINJA #1
The time of asswhipping is at hand. We shall lead our army of Ma Kare Na Ninjas in the ultimate smackdown of the Sailor Senshi! They shall pay for taking the best villains off the show, and turning our boss, Professor Tomoe into a wussy cameo character!
[NINJA #1 removes a mask to reveal that it's actually... EUDIAL from Sailor Moon S!]
NINJA #2
That would be downright brilliant if I hadn't thought of it first...
[NINJA #2 removes HER mask and reveals that it's MIMET!]
EUDIAL
We shall get revenge on Naoko Takeuchi for producing Sailor Moon SuperS and Sailor Stars. We are the ultimate villains. Nuff said.
MIMET
You said it, sister. When do we begin?
EUDIAL
We've already begun. Already, our armies of ninjas are searching for Sailor Moon and her little lesbian friends.
MIMET
But Haruka and Michiru kicked our asses severely last time.
EUDIAL
I was being mean spirited and cruel.
MIMET
Right, and everyone believes that Haruka and Michiru are just 'friends'.
EUDIAL
That's up to the sickos. Speaking of which, our three little freaks should be infiltrating the Sailor Senshi soon.
MIMET
Oh, really? Too bad you had to mess up three band members. Seiya was kinda cute.
EUDIAL
Yeah, well. Now he's no better off than that Ranma guy.
MIMET
Oh, that reminds me, today on Maison Ikkoku, the 'Seinfeld' cast is going to make an appearance!
EUDIAL
Whoa, let's check it out...!
[EUDIAL and MIMET click on the television, and are greeted by the sounds of 'Kanashimi o Konnichiwa']
[KRAMER slides into JERRY SEINFELD's apartment amid cheers and a bass guitar]
KRAMER
Hey Jer... I just found a new apartment!
JERRY SEINFELD
A new apartment? Kramer, that's great! Where is it?
KRAMER
It's in Japan.
JERRY SEINFELD
Japan, wow!
KRAMER
Yeah. In fact, I got three extra tickets. I was thinking we could make a trip of it. You, me, Elaine, and George.
JERRY SEINFELD
A vacation?
KRAMER
A vacation.
JERRY SEINFELD
All right!
KRAMER
All right!
[meanwhile, at Maison Ikkoku]
KYOKO
[on the phone from the Kanrinan-san's apartment] Moshi moshi? Oh, hi Godai-kun! You'll never believe what happened. I rented apartment #3 to some gaijin sucker. Some hipster dufus named Kramer. Yeah, I know. What a yutz.
[We'll check back in later, right now, let's visit with Dr. MEIOU SETSUNA, Professional Shrink]
[In a white psychiatrist's office, a young girl with black hair sits in a chair in front of a woman in a white lab coat, with dark green hair, tanned skin, and gaudy earrings.]
SETSUNA
Morgan?
MORGAN DANIELS
Hmm?
SETSUNA
Do you want to tell me again about the faeries? Or... [shuffles through notes]... changelings... I think you called them.
MORGAN DANIELS
They're really real, and I'm one of them. A Sidhe! I come from Arcadia and have neat faerie powers. It's real I tell you.
SETSUNA
Of course it's real to you, dear, but that's because you're probably insane. I'm prescribing some Ritaline, Prozac, and just to keep you happy, some Mescalane.
MORGAN DANIELS
Can I have some Valium too?
SETSUNA
Only if you promise to be good and stop making up stupid fantasies.
[phone rings, SETSUNA answers it]
SETSUNA
Meiou. Oh, hey, Michiru-san. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just talking to the aerie-fay utcase-nay.
[MORGAN DANIELS rolls her eyes]
SETSUNA
I know. Whoever heard of weirdos with magic powers? Yeah, well, the Virtual Adepts don't count. Viluy got nuked anyway. So, what's with the call? Oh, really? Yeah, well... I can do this myself. Okay. Bye.
[hangs up the phone]
SETSUNA
Okay, Morgan, your hour's up. Oh, and if you see that Rasputin guy, give him my number, he sounds cute.
MORGAN DANIELS [exasperated]
Yeah. Too bad he gets whacked in the third book.
SETSUNA
You tell your dad I said hi, okay?
MORGAN DANIELS
I will.
[MORGAN DANIELS stands up and heads out the door]
[SETSUNA presses the intercom button]
SETSUNA
Do me a favor, nurse. Just have my next patient committed to the mental asylum. It'd do everyone a world of good, and I've got another appointment.
NURSE
Whatever you reccomend, doctor.
[SETSUNA clicks off the intercom]
SETSUNA [removing her henshin rod]
This is cool. I almost never get to be the first to transform. Pluto Planet Power, Make UP!
[SETSUNA is transformed into the frustratingly cryptic Senshi, SAILOR PLUTO]
[wipe to the top of a building... the aquarium that so commonly appears. It's night.]
VOICE #1
Where are they?
VOICE #2
They'll be here.
[SAILOR PLUTO appears from nowhere as usual]
SAILOR PLUTO
Be where?
[light is cast on the three silhouettes, revealing them to be SEIYA, YATEN, and TAIKI of the Three Lights, only female, and clad in black leather pseudo-senshi outfits]
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER (SEIYA)
DAMN! Geez. Don't do that, stupid!
SAILOR PLUTO (chuckling)
Gomen nasai.
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Where are the other Senshi?
SAILOR PLUTO
They were too busy to come. I, on the other hand, have all the time in the universe.
SAILOR STAR HEALER (YATEN)
Oi vey. Must you with the stupid time puns?
SAILOR PLUTO
It's in my contract.
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Listen, we've got news for you. Those bitches Eudial and Mimet did this to us.
SAILOR PLUTO
Made you dress in tacky outfits? The fiends!
SAILOR STAR HEALER
No, retard, made us into freak Senshi. She wants us to infiltrate the Sailor Senshi and destroy them. But we want revenge!
SAILOR PLUTO
Well, you don't need my permission. Have at them.
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Um...
SAILOR STAR HEALER
Uh...
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Well... we were kind of hoping you could maybe...
SAILOR STAR HEALER
... kinda...
SAILOR PLUTO
Oh, let me guess. You need our help, right? You guys aren't even merchandisable!
SAILOR STAR HEALER
We are too! They merchandised Ranma to hell and back, and he's a gender bender.
SAILOR PLUTO
Yeah, but that's because they brought his show to the United States and if half the males in the United States had Ranma's curse, they'd never leave the house!
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
All right, all right. We suck.
SAILOR PLUTO
Let's hope that's not literal.
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
If you help us, we'll give you guys FREE PASSES to Universal Studios Florida.
SAILOR PLUTO
Who DOESN'T have those?
SAILOR STAR HEALER
Okay, then we'll give you the magic obelisk from the Luxor in Las Vegas.
SAILOR PLUTO
I can already travel through time, remember?
SAILOR STAR MAKER (TAIKI) [quietly]
We'll give you your own TV show.
SAILOR PLUTO
NOW you're talking my language. And finally the big guy talks. Say, I was wondering something. Why do you have those throat microphones?
SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
Because they look cool. And, those are merchandisable.
SAILOR PLUTO
Just like Morgan seems to think, if you believe in something long enough, it becomes true. But keep to your fantasies, I'm sure it'll be interesting after we get you back to normal. [adding under her breath] And into therapy.
[The Three Lights vanish]
[suddenly, you accidentally step on the remote and the TV switches to FUJI, where Ranma 1/2 is on]
AKANE
Ranma no baka!
[AKANE prepares to pound RANMA]
RANMA Akane, wait a second. Before you pound me, ask yourself what you're doing.
AKANE
Huh?
RANMA
By beating the crap out of me, you're setting a bad role model for the children of Japan. Can you imagine a world where people go around breaking tables over each others heads, or hitting people with mallets?
AKANE
Ranma, you're right. I'm sorry. From this day onward, expect to see a kinder, gentler Akane. I'll put aside my violent tendencies and work towards a brighter tomorrow!
RANMA
Good, but that doesn't change the fact that you're a kawakunai, irokeganai biz-nitch.
AKANE
BAKA!
[SLAM]
RANMA [doSUN!]
We're going to have to work on that conditioned response thing, Akane.
[meanwhile, at Nekohanten...]
SHAMPOO
Aiya! I late for delivery!
MOUSSE
Shampoo-san!
SHAMPOO
What Mousse want? Another ass-kicking? Shampoo can arrange...
MOUSSE
No, no, no. I want to ask you something. Back in China, were you ever aware of a wondrous thing called AMWAY?
SHAMPOO
Shampoo not hear of it.
MOUSSE
It's fantastic! Even the great Master Wan Bal Hung Hi cannot peddle wares as great as AMWAY can... take a look at this catalog...
COLOGNE
Shampoo! Is that dumb boy trying to sell you Amway? Why aren't you washing dishes, boy?
[COLOGNE pitches a bucket of dishwater at MOUSSE]
[*SPLASH*, -pop-]
MUUMUU-CHAN
Quack, quack, quack.
SHAMPOO
Thank you. You may have saved Shampoo from fate worse than Jehovah's Witnesses.
COLOGNE
Oh, shut up, you stupid git.
[COLOGNE pitches a second bucket of water at SHAMPOO]
[*SPLASH*, -pop-]
COLOGNE
You know, I could substitute cat meat for pork, and no one would know the difference.
RANMA [pokes his head in]
Not like anyone can tell the difference between your food and cat meat now.
[RANMA runs, and COLOGNE gives chase]
COLOGNE
Come back here, boy, your ass is grass! I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your butt and walk it dry!
[Ranma 1/2 ending nonsense]
[and then you switch back to Asahi just in time for the commercials to be over]
[establishing shot of the exterior of REI's shrine, with USAGI, MINAKO, REI, AMI, MAKOTO, and CHIBI USA standing around]
AMI
... and then we found this card. "Li'l Paraphiliacs". What do you make of it?
MINAKO
That's a kink shop...
[everyone blinks at MINAKO]
MINAKO
... or so I hear.
CHIBI USA
Usagi, what's a kink shop?
REI [snidely]
Where Mamoru-san buys birthday presents for Usagi.
USAGI
REI-CHAN!
REI
Don't look at me. Glass slippers?
USAGI
That was symbolic of the princess I'm destined to be!.
REI
Yeah, and the Three Lights are symbolic of every cheeseball J-Pop band in Japan, what's the difference?
USAGI
First you insult my boyfriend and me at the same time, then you insult my taste in music!
AMI
Boyfriend and I, Usagi-chan.
USAGI
Shut the hell up! I'm tired of your sniveling 'I know everything' attitude! Okay? I know it, you know it, it's plain as day, I am dumb! D-U-M! Dumb as a post, can I change that? No!
[USAGI has begun to glow faintly]
MAKOTO
Calm down, Usagi...!
USAGI
Bite me! You might as well hang around with Haruka and Michiru. SURE you can't find a boyfriend! SURE you're looking at other guys! That might just be a clever guise to stare at a group of short skirted girls! What do you have to say about that?!
[USAGI glows even brighter]
MINAKO
Usagi, you're overreacting!
USAGI
And YOU! You're the most worthless of this bunch! All you do is sit around and bawl over that British nitwit you lost! If you were any kind of woman, you would have kicked the crap out of that little cop-bitch!
AMI
Usagi's powering up...!
[USAGI's brooch transforms to a gaudy brooch with a huge gem in the center, which opens and she cries out...]
USAGI
Moon Eternal Smackdown Power, MAKE UP!
[USAGI transforms into her winged Eternal Asswhipping form. The others take one look at the new form and laugh.]
REI
Nice SLEEVES Usagi. I used to have some like them until I realized they were FOOTBALL HELMETS.
SAILOR MOON
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Those of you that mock my prestigious transformation into the asswhipping representation of the shoujo genre, I won't forgive you!
[THE POSE begins]
SAILOR MOON
For love and justice... I'm the sailor suited soldier... Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon, I shall lay the Eternal Smackdown upon your ass!
[everyone applauds]
AMI
By pissing off Usagi, we helped her to transform! What a serendipitous turn of events!
SAILOR MOON
Ano... what's "serendipitous"?
REI
Unfortunately, her mental state has not been improved.
SAILOR MOON
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Behind the scenes]
TOEI LACKEY
Ikuhara-sama! We're forgetting something!
MR. IKUHARA
You're right, Justin. I knew we forgot something. Okay, there has to be a pointless fight. Snap to it.
[Back at REI's]
[NINJAS leap from the trees and everywhere else screaming a battle cry]
RANDOM NINJA
Kiyaaaaaaaaaa!!!
SAILOR MOON
Minna, henshin yo!
[begin music]
AMI
Mercury Crystal Power, Make UP!
REI
Mars Crystal Power, Make UP!
MAKOTO
Jupiter Crystal Power, Make UP!
MINAKO
Venus Crystal Power, Make UP!
[Everyone poses]
SAILOR MERCURY
Sailor... Mercury!
SAILOR MARS
Sailor... Mars!
SAILOR JUPITER
Sailor... Jupiter!
SAILOR VENUS
Sailor... Venus!
[music ends and changes]
SAILOR MOON
Soshite! SAILOR MOOOOOOOOON! Tsuki ni kawatte... oshiokite... no, damn it. Wait. Let me do it again. Tsuki ni kawatte! OSHIOKIYO! There. Conjugated the verb wrong. Heh. I would've been saying, "In the name of the Moon, I'll get punished." Boy is my face red.
RANDOM NINJA [broken Japanese]
Ahhh... your intro pose quite good! But intro pose do not mighty warrior make!
SAMURAI SHOWDOWN ANNOUNCER
Itsukasen! Choobu!
[Miscellanous fighting, VENUS gets an opening and begins to power up]
SAILOR VENUS [beginning attack]
VENUS... Love and Beauty... SHOCK!
[several ninjas are destroyed]
SAILOR MARS
It's no good, there's too many of them!
SAILOR MOON
Minna! Allow ME!
[beginning powerup scene]
SAILOR MOON
Starlight... Honeymoon... Therapy... SMACKDOWN!
[SAILOR MOON fires the Eternal Tier and smacks down every ninja]
SMOKEY [leaning over a ninja, up cam view]
You got knocked the FUGGOUT! And you KNOW this, man!
SAILOR JUPITER
Ku... kuso!
SAILOR MARS
That was almost enough to make me believe that there IS a God.
[SAILOR MOON reverts back to normal SAILOR MOON]
SAILOR VENUS
Sailor Moon! Are you okay?
SAILOR MOON
WAAAAAAAH! CRAPPUCINO! I AM BENVOLIO! I MUST GET JULIET FOR ROMEO! WAAAAAH! I AM A GAIIIIJIN! BLEAAAAAAH!
SAILOR MARS
Never better.
[FADE OUT]
USAGI
Next time on Sailor Moon... more BS from the Three Lights! And we'll learn the evil plot of Mimet and Eudial to take over Canada! All on the next SAILOR MOON!
[next show]
WEIRD TEACHER GUY
Hi, it's me again. The weird teacher guy from Hell School with the demonic hand. Here's a few scenes from my upcoming show...
[in class]
WEIRD TEACHER GUY
And so, we see that when we multiply the coefficient of x times the second root of a, we get... oh, crap. Not now!
1KID #1
Nubei-sensei's FREAKING.
[NUBEI-SENSEI tries to control his hand as he writes 666 and draws pentagrams on the chalkboard.]
KID #2
All right! He's gone demonic again!
KID #1
What's so great about that?!
KID #2
Ten Minute Demonic Hand Rule. If he doesn't get control back in ten minutes, we can all leave!
KIDS
YEAH!!!!
[END - We'll be back soon!]