[Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown]
[Episode #1]
[If you like my parodies (or if you hate them), send email to kbruner@freenet.tlh.fl.us and you're guaranteed a reply. Unless you're writing to complain at my mocking of the country of Canada, or the portrayalof ninjas, or just basically any complaint.]
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Dis-Claimer:
Yes, I dis a lot of people, but like Warner Brothers, that doesn't mean I hate them, just that they're humorous. Try not to be offended by what you read. No real insult is meant by anything written here. As always, by reading this sentence, you agree not to get a couple of hard, pipe-hitting ninjas to go to work on me with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.
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[TV Asahi logo]
ANNOUNCER
And now, tonight's feature presentation. A 30 minute long infomercial on why you should buy the Nintendo 64, paid for by Nintendo, followed by a 30 minute rebuttal by Sega on why you should buy the Saturn. Sorry. Both of them offered us more money than Bandai.
SNOTNOSED BRATS
Nooooo! We wanna watch Sailor Moon! Sailor Moon! Sailor Moon!
ANNOUNCER
Okay, we'll compromise. We'll watch a show with the Sailor Senshi talking about why you should buy the Nintendo 64.
[cut to clip of the girls playing a Nintendo 64]
MINAKO
Ara, ara! Super Mario 64 sure is cool!
USAGI
Thanks for programming it for us, Ami-chan!
AMI
Oh, it was nothing a few billion lines of code and a Silicon Graphics workstation couldn't accomplish.
[back to Asahi logo]
SNOTNOSED BRATS
Nooooo! We wanna see Chibi Usa and Usagi!
OLD PERVERTS
No, we wanna see Hotaru and Ami!
ANNOUNCER
You do, eh? Okay, what's it worth to you?
ANDY HEYWARD
Here's 7 million dollars, now show these jerks some Sailor Moon.
[ANNOUNCER's eyes turn to yen signs and make a "cha-CHING" noise]
ANNOUNCER
Okay. Ikuhara! Quit hitting on Takeuchi-san and come up with something.
MR. IKUHARA
What, now? I thought this was an off week!
ANNOUNCER
It is, but I just made 7 million dollars to show a new Sailor Moon cartoon this week.
MR. IKUHARA
7 million?! Damn! Okay, we'll have to wing it. Make up some opening credits.
ANNOUNCER
Already done. We've got a new hip, cool gangsta rap opening theme song. I've got Foolio here to do it for us.
MR. IKUHARA
You got COOLIO?!
ANNOUNCER
I said I got FOOLIO. He's Coolio's third cousin's brother's friend's neighbor's parakeet's cage cleaner's son's stepmother's sister's maid's ninja's brother.
MR. IKUHARA
We anime producers are doomed. I just know it.
[Opener begins]
[OFFICIAL THEME OF BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR SMACKDOWN]
[Senshi Paradise, written by Kevin Bruner, sung to the tune of "Gangsta's Paradise"]
FOOLIO
Awwwww yeah. Gomen ne sunao ja nakute. Hit it, MC Kamen.
See that girl in Japan gonna bust the Moon Gat.
Fightin' evil by moonlight like she all that.
Her and her friends, they think they got it goin' on.
They think they're heroes, but they got it all wrong.
Seems I been spendin' most of my life livin' in a Senshi Paradise.
It's the same story night by night.
We're gonna run out of villains to fight.
People call us otaku but we think we're the bomb,
Cause we wear costumes to an anime con.
We be dressed to impress cause we really a mess.
But that's okay, cause the entry fee's less.
We been spendin' most of our lives, livin in a Senshi Paradise.
Even Wedding Peach won't suffice.
We're on those Senshi like white on rice.
Awwww yeah. Island 106 and Foolio got somethin' brand new for that <bleep>.
Now let's watch the Sailors in the Sailor Hood.
Cause the US and Canada say it's all good.
But let's all curse DIC for their lack of success,
Cause without them, there'd be no S.O.S.
We're gonna be spendin' most of our lives, livin' in a Senshi Paradise.
Now it's time for a word to the wise.
Turn off the show now and you might survive.
Hayl yeah. Just like that. Foolio, kickin' it to yaz live. Only for the
hardcore. Strictly for the headstrong. Pip pip, Cheerio, Rice Krispies, and
all that rot. Aww yeah. Peace, I outta here.
[show begins]
[USAGI and REI are in a Toys 'R Us somewhere in Tokyo. Shut up. I know there are no TRU locations in Japan. Anyway, USAGI is playing the Saturn display, and REI is playing the Nintendo 64.]
USAGI
Wai! Wai! This NiGHTS game is fun!
REI
Surely you've got to be kidding. The main character looks like some kind of deranged clown jester ninja.
USAGI
I'm not kidding. And don't call me... oops, that joke's been done and overdone.
REI
Mario 64 is much cooler than your pathetic NiGHTS game.
USAGI
Oh, please. The music on Mario 64 sounds like it was done by a disco band tripping on shrooms while suffering from a really bad hangover at mid-terms. The music on NiGHTS is much better.
REI
Okay, you win this round. I have to agree with you there. Now let's go home and I'll massacre you at Quake.
USAGI
Ha, you've been TRICKED.
[MOTOKI steps up wearing his Toys 'R Us uniform]
MOTOKI
Usagi-chan, Rei-chan! Konnichi-wa!
USAGI
Motoki-oniisan!
REI
I didn't know you worked at Toys 'R Us.
MOTOKI
Don't you know? I work everywhere now.
USAGI
E... everywhere?
REI
Are you the guy that restocks the condom machines in the gas station bathrooms?
USAGI
And the guy that tastes dog food to make sure it has a rich, meaty flavor?
[pause]
MOTOKI
Yes I Am.
REI and USAGI
Cool!
[suddenly, the watches on USAGI and REI'S wrists start pinging]
MOTOKI
What was that?
[USAGI sweatdrops. REI tosses a small jet of flame into the next aisle]
REI
Uh... the Power Rangers toys in the next aisle caught on fire. You should go check them out.
MOTOKI
Eh!?! AAAAH!
[MOTOKI runs off]
MOTOKI
AAAAAH! You kids quit playing with your Zords!
[Tasteless joke #1]
USAGI
Nice one, Rei-chan. There's hope for you yet.
REI
Bite me.
[USAGI and REI lift the covers on their watches]
USAGI
We read you, Zordon. I mean, Ami.
REI
What hideous evil threatens the well being and economic stability of Japan today?
AMI [in the watch]
Nothing. This is a lot cheaper than cellular air time.
REI
Oh. Then what do you want?
AMI
Minako-chan's scalping tickets to the Bands That Suck concert in Shinjuku this evening. Three Lights is going to be there. You want her to save some tickets for you?
USAGI and REI
DO WE?!
[ep title: Battle of the Crappy Bands! Ninja Smackdown!]
[AMI, MAKO, REI, MINAKO, CHIBI USA, and USAGI are standing in line outside a big stadium where the concert is going to be held]
USAGI
Ehehehehe! This is cool!
CHIBI USA
Hai! Rock! ROCK! Eheheheh!
MINAKO
Are you sure it's such a good idea to take Chibi Usa to a rock concert at this young, impressionable age? I mean, we already saw what watching Pulp Fiction did to her. [see Sailor Moon S(tupid) Ep #4]
USAGI
Think of it this way. Maybe she'll go deaf.
MINAKO [perking up]
Usagi, tonight, you are a GENIUS.
MAKOTO
I hear they've got an entire lineup of second rate bands to play tonight. Youknow. Bands that suck too much for anyone to willingly buy their CD.
REI
Does that mean we'll get to see Alanis Morrisette?
MAKOTO
No, she doesn't suck that much yet, but if you concentrate really hard, you might be able to fool yourself into thinking Mariah Carey is really singing one of Alanis' songs.
AMI
The psychological term is sensory adaptation, Mako-chan.
MAKOTO
Ah, that's it. Thank you.
AMI
Don't thank me, thank the author's psychology professor.
USAGI
Does this line ever move? I think we've been standing here for an hour!
MINAKO
Don't have a tizzy, Usagi-chan. They had to make sure that all of the Bands That Suck didn't practice at all, and come out and insult their fans.
[zip pan to HARUKA and MICHIRU's house]
HARUKA
Don't expect to see us there.
MICHIRU
You won't catch us within 10 kilometers of that place.
[zip pan back to the Inners, who are now piling into the crowded room]
STUPID U.S. MARINE
MOSH! EVERYBODY @$(*ing MOSH!!!
PERSON
But... the music hasn't started yet.
STUPID U.S. MARINE
All the more reason to MOSH!!!!! @$(*ing MOSSSSSSSSH!!!
[the announcer says over the PA system]
ANNOUNCER
All right, you creeps, shut up. The first band in our Bands That Suck concert. You know them, they suck. Give a warm Tokyo welcome to that mostly unknown except by Juban-ku high school girls band of teenage Joey Lawrence wannabes, THREE LIGHTS!
EVERYONE
YOU SUCK!
SEIYA
Helloooooooo Tokyo!
[silence, except for one solitary person who seems to be answering]
PERSON
Hello.
SEIYA
Uh... are you ready to ROCK?!
PERSON
If we must.
SEIYA [sweatdropping]
Uh... okay. ONE TWO THREE FOUR!
[YATEN hits the "demo" button on his Casio keyboard]
SEIYA [singing]
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
TAIKI [thinking to himself, unspoken]
Mental note to self. Get new agent.
SEIYA
... and I am Mr. Boombastic, my jeans are fantastic...
REI
Wow, mere words do not describe the level of sucking we have witnessed this evening.
MAKOTO
I'm astounded that this level is even possible!
USAGI [starry eyed]
Kakkoiiiiiii!
[But suddenly, about 30 NINJAS leap onto the stage. At first, they seem to be dancing, but it's really some kind of bizarre kata.]
CHIBI USA
Look! The Three Lights are being attacked by ninjas!
MAKOTO
I recognize that style! They're of the Ma Kare Na school of ninjutsu!
USAGI
Minna, henshin yo! No one will notice!
USAGI and CHIBI USA
Moon... Crisis... Make Up!
[music begins]
AMI
Mercury Crystal Power, Make Up!
REI
Mars Crystal Power, Make Up!
MAKOTO
Jupiter Crystal Power, Make Up!
MINAKO
Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!
[meanwhile, TAIKI is beating a NINJA repeatedly with his trenchcoat, until...]
SAILOR MOON
Omattenasai!
[NINJAS turn to look]
SAILOR MOON
Here on this day in which we honor that which sucks, I won't allow you to make it more exciting than it's supposed to be!
SAILOR CHIBI MOON
It's on, now!
[the POSE begins]
SAILOR MOON
Ai to seigino... sailor fuku bishoujo senshi... SAILOR MOON!
SAILOR CHIBI MOON
To... SAILOR CHIBI MOON!
SAILOR MOON
Tsuki ni kawatte...
SAILOR MOON and SAILOR CHIBI MOON
OSHIOKIYO!
[the other Inners appear lined up behind SAILOR MOON]
[SEIYA escapes from the NINJA'S grasp and leads YATEN and TAIKI backstage]
NINJA LEADER
[holds up a sign that says: Destroy them!]
[Note: Ninjas don't talk.]
[the NINJAS teleport outside of the building, and the Senshi follow, preparing for combat]
[SAILOR MARS leaps onto a grassy knoll]
SAILOR MARS
Mars... FLAAAAAAAME SNIPER!
[MARS lets loose an arrow of flame, but it misses and hits some guy in a passing motorcade]
[VENUS and MOON are dodging attacks and end up back to back]
SAILOR MOON
This is worse than an episode of Power Rangers Zeo!
SAILOR VENUS
Where's the Gold Ranger when you need him?
SAILOR MOON
By the way, you know who the Gold Ranger is, don't you?
ONE OF THE NINJAS
[holds up a sign that says: "Hey, she knows who the Gold Ranger is!"]
ANOTHER NINJA
[holds up a sign that says: "Tell us!"
[the NINJAS sit down and patiently wait for an answer]
SAILOR MOON
Well, it's...
VOICE #1
Star Serious LASER!
[a laser beam made of stars cuts through and pops off a few of the NINJAS heads]
VOICE #2
Star Sensitive INFERNO!
[a star-flamethrower incinerates some more of the NINJAS]
VOICE #3
And now, the most powerful attack! Star Gentle UTERUS!
[the NINJAS look at each other and blink]
ONE NINJA
[holds up a sign that says: "Uterus?"]
[the NINJAS spontaneously burst into laughter and fall over, unable to get up for laughing so hard at the ridiculous attack name]
VOICE #1
Our work here is done.
VOICE #2
Time to disappear like the Gold Ranger.
VOICE #3
I still think you should have let her say who it is.
[three silhouettes depart into the distance]
SAILOR JUPITER
W... who was that?
SAILOR MOON
I don't know... but they dropped THIS!
[SAILOR MOON holds up a business card that reads "L'il Paraphiliac's, for all your sick, twisted leather needs."]
[fade out]
USAGI
Next time on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown! An old enemy returns, and this time, they plan to put the Ultimate Ninja Smackdown upon the Sailor Team! Can we defeat the evil Ma Kare Na Ninja Clan? Tune in next time to find out!
[fade out]
WEIRD TEACHER GUY
Hello, I'm a weird teacher guy at Hell School, and I have a demonic hand. So just for your safety, if I ask you to pull my finger, say "No."
[fade out]