Notes from Bachelor...er...author #1.

For once, I won't give the full heartwarming story of how this came to be. I think alcohol was involved somewhere, but I'm not sure. Suffice to say that it's here, and you're (presumably) reading it.

Thanks to Hudson, Carp, Naqvi, and my composer du jour, Anton Bruckner (ha, thought I was going to say Mahler, didn't you?). As well as pass the time, three of the above four helped with editing, prereading, and other assorted stuff. Send them some money or something.

If you have a problem with this story, it's probably my fault, and you should send the accompanying death threats and flames to levar@smart.net.

-LeVar Bouyer

Notes from author... Bachelor #2!

Yes, two people actually wrote this mess. Surprised? I don't see why. I think your question would be how this mess was written in the first place. Long story you probably want to hear at first but wish you never did halfway through. That's always the case, isn't it?

Kudos and Pina Coladas go out to Hudson, Carp, Bouyer, and the CBC Radio French/Inuit Husic Hour. Something like 2 in the morning. And I agree with Mr. Bouyer. Send me some money; I'm actually a missionary for depraved little black lines kicked out of their road atlases. Then again, maybe not.

In any case, if you find fault with Bouyer, there's probably a good chance that it's my fault, too, so send your death threats and last Christmas' fruitcakes to vnaqvi@hotmail.com

-Victor Naqvi

Sailor Venus and associated characters are owned by a huge multinational conspiracy group that goes by the name of Naoko Takeuchi. Pray that they don't find out you have this, or the copyright punishments will be...extreme. Oh, pardon, someone's knocking at the door.

Bang.

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The Autobiography of Sailor V

By Aino Minako, aka Sailor V, aka Sailor Venus

Part 1

Sailor V on the Lemon Fanfic Scene

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I think that everyone should have their fantasies, you know. It's healthy and all. Now I've heard of some truly strange fantasies in my time, I'll tell ya, uh huh, yeppers. People doing things with their gym socks and stuff, y'know? Now I'm not here to condemn anyone for what they think and do in their own private time. I mean, it's their life, right? But you get a kinda strange feelin' when you find out someone's been having fantasies about you in particular. You know what I mean? Like in that movie with Alicia Silverware, or what's her name. She's running around chasing after this 21 year-old guy, and she turns into some psycho-crazed person or what not. Well, I felt like that guy at the start of the movie: kinda strange about how I'm getting all this attention.

And this is *attention*, mind you.

I was on the internet the other day. Scary place. Anyways, I'm roaming the web, or the 'net, or the Information Superhighway, or whatever the hell they'll call it next, and I come to this Sailor Moon fanfic site. Interesting. They've got all the Sailor Moon fanfics you could ever want! Nice to know we're appreciated that much. So, I clicked on this fanfic called "GAMES" by Artemis. I didn't know that Artemis was a writer! So I sat back and read.

Bad mistake.

Hmm. First of all, I have no idea why I was being thrown 'over the bed' all the time. Must have hurt. Secondly, that is not even *remotely* close to how Ami acts in everyday life. For God's sake, if you put Ami and a rock side by side, the rock would be more likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger! (Sorry, Ami.) But that's not the point, actually. To be quite honest, I had a strange feeling when I finished reading it. (No, not *that* kind of feeling, you perverts!), but it was like a kind of feeling one gets when they drink a glass of cold water first thing in the morning on an empty stomach, before they brush their teeth. Not too pleasant. Oh, and I had a talk with Artemis about this. Turns out he didn't write it... whoops. I hope he's still not mad at me for dumping all the tuna fish in the garbage.

But they're not all like that, y'know. A few days after that, I mustered up the courage to look up another one. Anniversaries, this one was called. Now this was actually a classy story. Well, anything would have been classy after that Games mess, but this really got to me. I mean, yeah, it's another thing that didn't happen, but it was believable, at least. *That's* the Ami I know, coming up with a new way to use our powers. And that imagination: who'd've thought she could come up with something like *that*? Wowsers! And don't tell anyone, but I really liked the ending. I'll have to drop that Norad guy a line someday, even though I've got some issues about something else he did. But I digest.

Sadly, though, Norad is the exception. I mean, us senshi have our outfits, you know? We can't help it; one of the first things Mako-chan tried was to let out her hemline a bit. Didn't work, and we're stuck with the micro-mini-teeny-weenies. Not that she should be so worried; she's got great legs. But there's another problem. I'll admit, it was a slow day, and I was pretty much clicking on everything. I can't help it; it makes that neat sound. But anyway, everyone seems to think that me and Mako-chan have something going.

Now, make no bones, if I was like that, you know, like Haruka and Michiru (or harukaandmichiru, I love that term, it's just so atropos, but I'm digesting again), if I was like that, then she'd be the one. But I'm not; I definitely go for guys. In fact, I've got a boyfriend right now. Yeah, really! You shouldn't believe everything you see on TV, you know.

Of course I'm not going to tell you his name. We've got to have some privacy, you know. Can't go off blabbing everything to everybody. Though you wouldn't know that from some of the stuff written by...Huey? Luey? Dewey? Something like that. Anyway, that was another story I read. I was on a real rock and roll that day, I tell ya. Someday I'll have to tell you about my website. Yeah, I have my own website! Sailorvenus.com!

Anway, there's this story called Body and Soul, and in it...well, I'm not going to get into the details, but I think Huey or Dewey or Donald or whoever has read too much abortion propaganda. Ewww. 'Nuff said, except that I think Huey would be surprised if she actually met Mamoru. He's a swell guy, really. Usagi's really lucky to have him.

But Huey isn't all miscarriages and demon possession, oh no. Personally, I liked Secrets Best Kept. I know, it isn't rated all that high by most people. There's this guy named Buyer, or Bovine or something, and he didn't like it too much, but I liked it, even if she did kill off Usagi-chan like that. But that's another story, and I don't want you to think that I'm one of those mindless otaku who just reads fanfics all day. I'm not *that* egotistic.

I don't think so, at least.

So which one did I especially like? I mean besides Gonad's stuff, because it's just a given that you like it. Wonderful guy, he is. You should have heard how Mako-chan went on and on about him (you probably think she said he reminded her of her last boyfriend, don't you? You're outta luck, mister. Or miss. Or mister/miss, for certain-ahem-individuals who'll go unnamed). Usagi-chan too! But as you can see, I'm digesting. I've been saying that a lot, haven't I? Must be word of the week(tm), or something to that effect. No, I really liked Come to My Window, by that guy Rabies.

I know what you're thinking: A Rei lemon? Get out of here! True, we all think that Rei would be the last person in the world with a sex drive (Besides Setsuna, of course. Ami too, but you certainly wouldn't know *that* from Games, cough, cough). I mean, she's a priestess, for crying out loud! Well, that Jiminy Swagger guy was a man of god himself, and look what happened to him. Oh well. Argument withdrawn. Anyways, this was good. This guy called Nackley or Naked, he was going on and on about how 'poetic' it was, and I happen to agree. That particular fanfic reminded me of that movie where that guy got shot and then he could walk through walls and stuff. You know, the one where they're molding clay and they make this weird shaping pot while they're doin' stuff to each other. Don't know why, though.

Bovine was whining about how short it was, but I think that Rabies or whoever was right to leave it so short and ambiguous. Now there's a word I don't use often enough. See people think I'm a ditz, but I *am* capable of a few things. Besides, if I'm such a ditz, why would people want to read about me? You're reading this book, aren't you?

Yep, you're reading it, and I'm glad, and not just becuase of the royalty checks, nope. In any chaise, you now know my take on lemons. See? And I bet you thought they were all just unpaved ravings of sexually repressed fanboys with no lives.

Well, I guess that most of them are. But so what? It's not like *you'd* read any of them, right?

Okay, I suppose you do read them. So what? Deeds, not actions, that's what I always say. Anyway, at least *you* aren't having any of those fantasies about just exactly what I do late on those hot, sticky Tokyo nights, when I'm sweating and glistening in just a sleek, filmy nightgown, tossing and turning, getting those urges deep in my...tummy...for...ice cream. Yeah, especially mint chocolate chip!

Damn editor, always taking out the fun parts. Friends, here's a tip from the top.

Sailor V's Tip #1: If you've got a magical cat hanging around, make sure they stay the heck away from your memoirs.

(ed. note: that's a pack of lies. -Artemis)

Anyway, I guess my point in all this aimless rambling is that lemons aren't all bad. There's good ones (although not enough with yours truly; if you'd like suggestions, feel free to ask me at venus@senshi.org), and there's bad ones, especially certain bad ones that take liberties with certain partners of mine (and you know who you are, turkey. The Crescent Beam's in the check, pal).

There, and I never said a word about tentacles.

(ed. note: why'd you send *me*, Serenity?)

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Aw hell. At least there weren't any author insertions.