This is my first fanfic everyone, so please feel free to comment. It takes place during the R series with the aliens. (Dubbed "The Doom Tree Series) Its in first person with both Darien and Serena, and I am using their dubbed names. I don't know if they called each other "Usako" and "Mamochan" at the time, so I didn't want to deal with it. Luna and Artemis...thanks for posting!
BTW, I have been reading fanfics for a while, and you must read the stories by:
I don't own Sailor Moon or anything associated with it, so please don't sue. And on with the show...
Alone
By Mara Celes
(Leaping Pluto-don't ask:))
I stare listlessly over the lake shining in the moonlight. Tears stream quietly down my cheeks. I am alone. So very alone. Oh, I have my friends, I have my family, but it doesn't matter. The one who is most important to me doesn't remember. He doesn't remember a thing; not a smile, not a kiss, not even a fight.
I stare up at the apartment building soaring over my head. He is there, smiling over the infant in his arms. My Darien, playfully taking care of little Jordan. I was so proud, so overwhelmed with happiness when my love offered to take him. Darien does have a heart. He only doesn't have one for me.
It's been so long that we've waited. So long, and now he doesn't remember. "It not fair!" I want to scream to the world. It's not fair that after all we've been through, after all we've faced that fate should betray me now. We've waited the centuries for each other, faced Beryl twice, and died twice. And I awake to the very thing that should kill me forever. He doesn't love me anymore.
What can I do? I've tried all I can think of. I've told him the truth, but he thinks I'm crazy. I talk to him, hoping that he will somehow remember me, remember anything about me. I even fight with him, hoping that will recall a little of our arguments from such a short time ago. But he only stares at me with a puzzled look in his eyes. Sometimes the eyes he turns to me are filled with incredulous disbelief.
It hurts, that look. That he can believe our love is a joke, a twist of someone's crazed mind. If being in love means being crazy, then insanity take me now. I could not recall my love for him. I would never renounce it if I could. Even if he never loves me again, I will still love him. But I wonder. How can anything possibly happen between us?
Today started out wonderfully enough. I went with him to his apartment and helped him take care of Jordan. I smile to myself. Darien would be a wonderful father. The callousness so much in evidence disappeared in a heartbeat at the baby's toothless smile. He can be so tender and loving.
But not to me. Me, he calls a hurricane. Me, he calls a meatball head. He tells me to leave, that he doesn't need my help. He tells me that he doesn't want me around. And when I do leave at the day's end, does he feel relief? Is he glad that this lovesick, whining teenager has finally left?
What could he see in me? I'm not brave or sophisticated like he is. I fail in all my schoolwork. I'm not smart or beautiful. When he sees me, he only sees a stupid child. Not like Ann. She's cold and reserved, beautiful and smart. But she's cruel. Can Darien not see that? Will he love her instead?
I rub my eyes. Tears are streaming down my face so fast that its blinding me. Because I know that it's possible. He could love Ann. He always looked past all my faults, so he could always look past hers. I see them talking often. By the moon, she was in his apartment! She was alone with my man, taking my place beside Darien caring for Jordan. Who cares that she left in anger and frustration?! She was with him, and I heard him beg her not to leave!
Despair overwhelms me. I can't go on like this. I can't go on, watching and smiling while he loves another. I've heard stories of people ending their lives over things like this. But I can't. I'm Sailor Moon. The world needs me. But, oh, Sailor Moon needs Tuxedo Mask!
There's nothing left. I know my love will never be returned. The knowledge burns my heart to ash and leaves me a lifeless, empty husk. Because for me, life is not life without him.
***********************************************************************
I stare at the door she just left. She's helped me care for Jordan the entire week. She's so faithful, so loving, so full of joy. Her smile lights up the world. It also leaves me in confusion.
When I see her giggle, something in me responds. I want to laugh aloud to the world, proclaiming my joy at her happiness. Why do I feel this way? I'm not supposed to feel this way about her. She's Serena, the ANNOYING Serena, the Meatball head. And so I cover my laughter with scowls and harsh words, hoping she won't guess at my feelings for her.
I smile wryly. My feelings for her? How could she possibly decipher my feelings if I can't sort them out myself? I don't understand this, but I feel as if I have to. As if it was very important to me...
It reminds me of long ago when I lost my parents to cruel fate. I feel as if there is something I've lost, and what I've lost I need badly. More urgently than my 6 year old self needed his parents. Something that will make my life complete. And what makes me confused is the feeling that I've let what I needed slip through my fingers, the feeling that whatever it is I need is right before my very eyes.
I shake my head angrily. These thoughts never get me anywhere. I know where they lead. To despair, to loneliness frightening in it's intensity. Things I felt before I met...
What?! Who?! What did I meet, who came to me? Why can't I remember?! My thoughts plague me like never before. The secret is inside of me, it taunts me, eludes me. I know I should remember. But what exactly am I supposed to recall?!
Serena. My vague confusing thoughts spiral around her. She is always telling me strange stories, stories of my loving her. She tells me I have forgotten, that I must remember. Her strange echoing of my own thoughts is one of the reasons I am so drawn to her. I cannot just scoff at her, for something about her words ring true through me. But how can they be true? Her fantastic tales, how can they be other than a young woman's silly wishes?
In someways I believe her. When she speaks to me of princesses and protectors images flash before me, forgotten pieces of my memory swim through my head. I vaguely recall unfamiliar scenes, images like dreams that flee upon awakening. Some of what she says is true, but like my memories, but I don't know or remember what.
She tells me that she was a beautiful princess. That I can agree to readily. She is beautiful, with her brilliant smile and flashing eyes. Although she lacks some grace in movement, there is a quality about her that attracts others. Something which draws me. Although she might not be the daughter of a king, she is a princess in truth.
She says we loved each other. She says I protected her. Something melts in me to hear her say that, something stirs...No. I won't believe it. I can't. It seems impossible that she could love someone like me. She is so warm and friendly, so happy and free, while I am cold and filled with anger and frustration. To hear her say she loves me and that I love her is like rubbing a new-made wound in salt.
And yet, would I rather she said something else?
Or do I desperately want to believe her?
I lie down on my bed and stare out the window. I am so confused, she will not leave my thoughts. Where is she now? No, I will not think of her, I can't think of her. Why should I care? She is nothing to me, I tell myself.
Lies, all lies. I care about her, care about her deeply. But nothing like love, nothing so deep. Or am I still deceiving myself? I choose Serena over Ann, choose her carelessness over Ann's sophistication, her warmth over Ann's flashing beauty. But WHY?! Why do I care for her, why do I wish I could hold her in my arms and be happy?
It's impossible, I tell myself. Truly ridiculous. I don't love her. She is the annoying brat. I am her tormentor. She is the whining little girl who follows me home no matter how much I want her to leave. Ann is more beautiful than she is. Ann is more intelligent as well. Ann is so much more than my meatball head with the innocent blue eyes which shine with the oldest knowledge, the knowledge of her love for...NO!!! I will not think of it! I will not love her!
"But you do," whispers a voice in my head. I yell at it, scream at it, but it weighs me down and in truth I have no wish to deny it. No reason to deny it than my fear.
My fears. Fear that this love I try to deny will sweep me away at her feet. Fear that if I love her I will believe everything she says. About her Moon Kingdom, and old love so true. What if she truly is crazy? Or worse, what if she is lying to me?
I laugh at myself. Serena, crazy? Impossible. She is sanity amid the storm of life, the anchor that holds lives together. That I have known for as long as I have known her. I don't know how I know, but it is a feeling I know I can trust. And somehow, I know that she has kept me together as well. Sometime, in someplace far away, I know that she is the one that kept me alive...
More foolish thoughts. I probably have that ingrained in me since the time I woke up from the motorcycle accident and she was before me. The candy striper, taking care of the patients and cheering them up. At the time she seemed like an angel. A beautiful angel that I knew would always be there for me and me for her...
Idiotic. Just a sick patient waking up and being glad to be alive. I unknowingly insulted her that day, calling her "Meatball Head" and she told me that Moon Kingdom story to deceive me and then laugh at me for believing her.
My thoughts stop savagely. That is not true. It never has been true. She is no more capable of spite and deceit than she is of hatred. She has always been a true and faithful friend, ("lover" whispers the voice I deny in my head) and I know she is innocent of any evil charges brought against her. I might not be able to believe her story, but I will always believe in her.
I will always believe in her-I always have.
Suddenly, I feel pain. Not the pain of a physical injury, but the pain that comes with a broken heart. It is intense, and I fight to keep from weeping at the agony of it. My grief increases as I discover whom it belongs to. My grief and distress are multiplied. Because I know it's not only my pain, but hers.
I stand up purposefully. Something in me rebels to know that I have caused her this. Somehow, it seems wrong, so wrong, that I am the cause of her agony. She should have that brilliant smile on her face, should be here to annoyingly tease me in a way that somehow pleases me. I still don't know what to do, but I know I must find her. And that feels so right.
I walk blindly down the hall, following my instincts to her. Somehow, I know I'll find her. The agony within me sharpens to my distress, and then settles into despair. I clutch at my chest as I make my way downstairs, into the night, to her.
The despair rips at my heart and brings tears to my eyes. The defeat inherent within her is astounding. This is not how it should be, my meatball head, you are the ever hopeful one, the strong one who goes on against all odds even after all hope is gone; you are the death to despair and...how do I know this?
It's true. That I know with all my heart. And I know that when she is in despair, everything is wrong.
I break into a run, not knowing where I am going, not caring, just as long as I find my way to her. And as I step onto the secluded bridge at the now deserted lake, there she is.
I walk slowly towards her, uncertain now, wondering what in the world I am doing. I have no right to be near her, no right to hold her in my arms and comfort her, not after causing all the pain I've caused. And yet I walk on, my feet drawing me towards her against my will. My reason fights against this, but my heart knows what to do.
I stop a few feet away from her, staring at her tearful face. Her despair shifts into a weary acceptance as I watch. The wind rustles her fair hair that gleams in the moonlight. Her eyes are closed as she wipes away her tears.
I stare at her, uncertainty and confusion warring within me. And I whisper her name, my voice husky and broken.
"Serena."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I look up in startlement, thinking I've lost my mind. He can't be here, it's not possible. I must be dreaming. He is not standing before me, sadness and worry in his eyes, looking at me with a uncertain but loving expression on his face. This can't be happening.
Yet there he is. I stare at him, scared and frightened, wondering what is going on. This is not the Darien you remember, I tell myself, he is not here for you, not here because he cares. He'll probably start laughing any moment, laughing at the ungainly teenager with tears smearing her face.
No. I can't think of him that way. Oh, I've tried, I've tried to forget I loved him when loving him hurts so much. But I can't. I know you, Darien Chiba, even if you don't know yourself. I know your kindness, your gentleness. I'll never forget it.
I slowly look into his eyes, marveling once more as I do. I'm always fascinated with his eyes. They can never deceive me. He tries to be cold, to be harsh and mean, but when I am about to die in despair all I have to do is look into his eyes. They say that eyes are windows into one's soul. Perhaps they are, for his eyes always give me hope. The hope that somehow he still loves me.
But now, his eyes are strangely clouded, and yet so unerringly clear. With a sob I fling myself into his arms, into comfort and love.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * ** **
My eyes widen as she flies into my arms, and my arms tighten instinctively around her. It always amazes me that one small girl could contain so much energy. I hold her in my arms, my eyes closed, as I savor the feeling of her closeness. For one instant, all is clear. For one instant, I know I love her.
But doubt returns. Oh, not doubt of my love for her, but doubt that I could love her well enough. I don't deserve this, and neither does she. She doesn't deserve the pain of loving a man without a past, a man who is always searching for something he can never find. I love her, but I still have too many things to take care of, too many things to change, before I could ever begin to think that I am worthy of her love. She should love a man that will always be there for her, who will care for her, and not burden her with his own painful problems. Oh, I love her, but she doesn't deserve the pain that loving me will cause.
"I'm sorry, Serena," I whisper into her ear. She stirs and looks into my face. Her eyes focus on mine and I must remind myself to be strong. I know what I must do. "I'm sorry, Serena, but I don't deserve..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *** * *
I clasp my fingers over his lips. I look at him, into his eyes. Tears well in mine with what I find there. His confusion is so obvious, his pain so revealed. I press my fingers against his lips and I whisper fiercely, "Don't."
I can't live with his pain. I've told him many times that I'd rather die than cause my friends distress. How many times over would it kill me if I left him, my love, in such agony?
"I love you," I whisper, and his arms tighten around me. Please, I beg, please just leave it at that. I'd rather have the pain of his not remembering than the pain of his confusion. I'd rather have the pain of wondering if whether or not he loved me.
But I know that has never been his way.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * **
She's said it again. She said she loved me. Everything swirls when she says that. I catch glimpses of strange places, people long forgotten, yet somehow well remembered. Two people who loved me well, with faces I cannot see. A kingdom loved and cared for. An alliance with a people strange and new. A girl, no, a woman. A princess. A princess with hair like sunlight, and eyes blue as the heavens. A princess with a heart and soul of gold. A princess who I love-and know. But dreams are capricious. They flee like chaff on the wind, and leave me wondering at what I have forgotten. Everything fades. The kingdom, my parents, my love. They fade, leaving me in confusion. What was just revealed to me? I do not remember.
I stare down at her as I wonder. I saw her-I think. I'm not sure. Was she the princess I loved...what princess? I frown in frustration as my thoughts swirl around me. Her story, could it be true? I cannot be sure, but I know I must remember. Before I can truly be yours, my love, I must find out who I am. I frown. This dilemma-its so familiar, somehow. Had this somehow kept us apart before? I don't know.
"Serena," I say softly, "I do believe you."
She looks at me with wide eyes and an incredulous smile on her face. "You do?!" she says, looking wondrously happy.
"Yes," I say gently, "but I don't remember."
Her smile drops and tears begin to form in her eyes.
I can't bear her pain. I take her into my arms and hold her tight, but there is nothing I can do.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He doesn't remember. Oh, he believes, but its not the same. Being told your past is not the same as living it, breathing it, feeling it. Will it always be this way? Will his search for his past always stand between us?
But I understand. I can't even begin to understand how it would be if I did not know who I truly was. Oh, I didn't always know that I was the princess, but I always had myself, Serena Tsukino. I have always known who I was. Darien doesn't have that. The only memories he could ever recall were the ones from our past. And the memories of our recent lives and struggles as Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon, the memories that make him who he is today, the memories that give him peace, are locked away with our past lives.
I look up at him with tears in my eyes. "What will we do?" I ask him softly.
But I know. We cannot be together until he remembers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I look at her sadly, knowing my answer. She understands, I can see that she does.
"You can't love half a man, Serena," I tell her, "you don't deserve it."
I won't tell her I love her, that wouldn't be fair. I won't do that to her. She needs a chance to love someone else, she can't wait forever for a man who might not ever be worthy of her. But I know she'll never love another. That is the way she is.
But she deserves the chance.
I can't make her happy, not the way I am now. And we both know it. She has her memories, and I don't. It won't work that way. If she didn't have her memories, maybe it would, but as it is now...
I crush her in my arms, trying to still her tears. "We'll just have to wait," I whisper huskily, trying to comfort her. "It'll only be a short time, I promise you."
But we both know the uncertainty of my words. The terror hangs over us both.
I might not ever remember.
But she only nods her head in agreement, saying nothing. I love her for her bravery, and with one last embrace, I let her go. She stares up at me questioningly, and asks once again, "What will we do now?"
But what else can I say?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I wait for his answer.
He loves me, I know he does. He doesn't say it, but his heart has never been able to deceive me. We love each other; I know our love is enough.
But I understand what he means. Though it breaks my heart to admit it, I know he is right. Serena and Darien might love each other, but the Serenity in me would always be looking for the Endymion in him to resurface. That wouldn't be a life for either of us, always waiting, vainly hoping.
I don't want to agree. My heart screams at me to stop, to wait, to think it over. It shouldn't matter, my heart says, he IS Endymion. It's his soul even if he doesn't remember. But what would Endymion do with half his life, half his soul? Would he ever be happy living like that?
I know. He would never. I would love him no matter what, but he would be incomplete within himself. And I understand that, but, oh, it hurts.
So I will let him go.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She knows we can't go on like this. I can see it in her eyes. The pain, The reluctance. So many people think she very immature, with no knowledge of pain or sacrifice. I know better. This one young girl has been through so much more than can be believed. Yet again...how do I know that?
We must stay away from each other...No! I cannot do that, I will not do that! I know we cannot be together, not as a couple, as lovers. We would only be deceiving ourselves. But I cannot stay away from her.
I know the solution.
I mimic other words I have said to her, but sadness creeps into my voice as I say, "Can't say I hope to see you again, Meatball Head."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
With those words he seals us apart. He wants us to go on as we have been. The annoying teenager and the arrogant college student. I know this is how it will be until he remembers. I also know he won't speak of this moment until he does. We will go on with our separate lives, secretly waiting.
But I have hope. I can tell when memories swarm his vision. He remembers even when he doesn't realize it. I see things in a new light. I see the way he stayed with me in the VR theater, the way he begged me to stay and help him with Jordan, the way he held my hands impulsively as Jordan took his first steps. I have hope he will remember soon.
I say softly to myself as he walks away, "You may not remember, Darien, but I once said you could call me Meatball Head."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I smile as I hear her words.
-------------------------:)
So what do you think? Any praise or flames would be appreciated at MaraCeles@hotmail.com. (I like that mail service, I can access it from anywhere!) This could be only chapter one if I get enough positive responses, I have a few ideas for another chapter. But if not, this is where it ends. :shrug: And once again-you must read Lianne, Sue Mei, Crystal Heart, Laurel Anne, Razz, and Ninx's stories. They are my absolute favorite! Ja!