by Sofía "Toffee" Francisco
All disclaimers apply! I don’t own these characters( I wish I did though! And I’m sure that Kurumada-sama would never put his characters through such a weird episode...) so don’t sue me for I’m not making any money out of this. (And even if you did you would get nothing out of it. Think about it; how could I pay you such a huge amount of money when most of my allowance goes into either bus-fees or comics?)
Anyway, this is a Saint Seiya parody written by the ever-weird-plot fanfic-writer: Toffee! If parodies bore you then do NOT read on. If you like them... Be my guest!
Chapter One:
The Omnipresent Fic-writer
The Kido Mansion glistens in the gentle morning sun, white and spotless as it has never been seen before. Inside we can hear voices talking in a calm, friendly way...
Voice1: I WILL NOT CLEAN THE BATHROOMS!!!
Voice2: AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF YOU WILL OBEY MY RULES!!!
Voice3: *sigh* Niisan, they are just bathrooms you know...
Voice1: WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU CLEAN THEM THEN!!
Voice3: ....*Sniffle*
Voice2: GREAT, YOU MADE HIM CRY!!
...Umm... Well, maybe not so friendly. As we approach we can hear series of little sobs and annoyed comments, it seems we have arrived at a wrong time.
Voice: I HATE spring cleaning!
Voice2: Why, because you are a pig?
Voice: No, because it means WE have to clean YOUR house!
Voice1: And it is no small feat.
Voice2: Then go and clean your volcano, but don’t expect ME to pay
for your food, clothes, medical bills or any other necessities you might
have! The same goes for all of you!!
Voice1:....
Voice: $%&*#$#%”)(%·!
Voice3: Wow *Sniffle* I didn’t even know some of those words existed!
Voice2: What was that about not rescuing me next time?
We hear a few muttered curses and not-felt apologies. It doesn’t matter that our dear Saori Kido is a Goddess, she is still a rich spoilt brat.
Saori: I AM NOT! And by the way, who the hell are you?
Oh well, narrators rarely are respected....I am the fanfic writer who is taking control of you for now, pleased to meet you.
Seiya: You are not plotting to kidnap Saori and take over the world are you?
No, I don’t think I am...
Everybody: *PHEW*
Ikki: Then the heck what do you want?
You had better watch your words with me or you WILL end up cleaning the bathrooms! Anyway, I am here because I feel that during your performance on TV you were never noted to possess any talent of any kind.
Seiya: So? We are supposed to fight and save the chick, why on earth
would we have the need to possess any talents?
Saori: Who are you calling a chick!?
Shun: What could you do to change that anyway?
Ahh... Well, I was thinking that perhaps I might be able to change that.. reputation of yours by staging a play.
Saori: A play? Oh! Not bad, these troglodytes could use some culture... we could get some really good actors to take part and we could rent a nice big theatre... I wonder if Leo DiCaprio would want to participate...
Ahem.
Ikki: DiCaprio? He looks like a girl!
Saori: So does Shun for that matter!
Shun: .... *Sniffle* *sob*
Ahem. Ahem.
Ikki: You made my little brother cry!
Saori: So? Everybody can do that.
Shiryu: Now, now. Let’s sit down and talk this over like civilised
beings...
*Ahem.*
Shun: Niisan...*sob* please don’t start fighting again *Sniffle*
Seiya: I am much better looking that that DiCarpio guy...
Ikki: If she apologises I will forget she insulted you.
Saori: Actually, you look more like a dwarfed version of ....
*Ahem. Ahem.*
Seiya: DWARFED VERSION!
Ikki: She’s right you know, you ARE rather...
Saori: Short.
AHEM!!!
Saori: Oh, yes? Is something wrong.
You got the wrong idea.
Seiya: You mean you aren’t going to stage a play? But you just said...
I am not going to stage a play.
Shiryu: Tsk, I had some interesting Shakespeare titles in mind for you...
YOU are going to stage a play.
Everybody: .... WHAT!!
You heard right, YOU are going to stage a play right here at the Kido Mansion and YOU are going to act in it. We need to find something at which you can prove you have some... Ability other than beating up big, bad guys.
Shun: According most fic writers I do have a knack for drawing.
Seiya: And I played the guitar sometimes during the series!
For Ikki’s well being and reputation, we shall NOT get into the “what other fic writers say I can do” subject.
Ikki: Huh? Why’s that? What am I good at in other fics?
If you could see me I would be blushing and lifting an eyebrow at you.
Ikki: Oh....*BLUSH*
Shun: Niisan... Why are you blushing.
Because other fanfic writers think your brother is good at..
Ikki: ENOUGH! Why should we obey you anyway?
You could just go back to bathroom cleaning if you don’t want to act.
Ikki: ....
Saori: Hey! I am the goddess here and I don’t want to act in some crummy,
fic-inspired play.
You will do it anyway, after all, I am the fanfic writer.
Saori: So? I am a GODDESS!!
BIG DEAL! Suddenly, Athena feels a mad desire to jump right off the balcony.
Seiya: That’s ridiculous! Saori-san isn’t an idiot!
Saori: AYIEEE!! Seiya! Help me!
Shiryu: Athena... What are you doing standing on the balcony railing?
Ikki: Maybe she IS an idiot after all...
Saori: DON’T JUST STAY THERE LIKE THE %&·#*$* YOU ARE AND
HELP ME!!!
I have ALWAYS wanted to do that *snicker*.
Seiya: Why do I have the feeling that this fanfic writer doesn’t like
you very much?
Saori: FORGET THAT AND HELP ME UP!!
Seiya: Damn that “·$#$*&%*! I hate fanfic writers even more
than spring cleaning!
Accidentally, Seiya trips and ends up hanging onto Saori’s dress dangling a good five meters from that floor.
Seiya: I have fallen form much higher places, so there!
There is a NASTY thornbush right under him. (Don’t underestimate me shorty)
Seiya: What did you call me!? Anyway I refuse to surren... Hey, nice
panties Saori-san!
Saori: HEEELP!
Ikki: Do we help them?
Nah.
Shun: What if they survive the fall? I don’t want to get into trouble
with Athena...
Shiryu: That is a good point.
There are some decidedly HUNGRY-looking Dobermans around the thornbush. Is that good enough?
Ikki: MUCH better!
Saori: ALL RIGHT! I’LL ACT, JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Seiya: Couldn’t you wait until I finish counting the teddybears with
pink ribbons?
Saori: STOP LOOKING AT MY UNDERWEAR!!
Athena and Pegasus reappear inside the room. Now can we get on with this?
Saori: *Growls* The sooner it’s over the better!
Seiya: AWW! I sorta liked your undies...
Shun: Aren’t we too few to stage a play?
As Shun just pointed out, we need more people so I will use my fanfic writer privileges to solve that problem.
Saori: You will magically teleport Leonardo DiCaprio here?
No, I will resuscitate all the dead Saints.
Ikki: (Whispering) Can she do that?
Shiryu: I think so...
Saori: You MUST be kidding!
Seiya: After all we went through to kill the in the first place!
Either that or spring cleaning.
Saori: Well.. then we chose sprmmpph!(gets gagged by Ikki)
Ikki:... Let the show begin!
Everybody minus Saori: ONWARDS!!!
Abracadabra....Whatever. All the dead saints come back to life and reappear inside the Kido Mansion.
Seiya: Uh... Miss Ficwriter?
Yes?
Seiya: It IS rather crowded inside here...
OK, the rooms grows mysteriously bigger so that everybody fits in comfortably.
Saga: What is the play are we going to perform anyway?
Seiya: Uh?... Hey, how come they already know about this whole mess?
They are following the rule that all new characters that arrive in the middle story follow.
Ikki: And what is that?
They already know the whole story, to save time.
Aphrodite: How about the “Sleeping Beauty”?
Everybody: *Sweatdrop*
Tethys: How about “The Little Mermaid”?
Everybody: *BIGGER Sweatdrop*
Shura: We could do “Excalibur”...
I... think not. Too long.
Dohko: How about “The return of the Jedi”? I could be Yoda.
Shion: Why does that sound familiar?
Because another fic writer has already pointed out Dohko’s similarity
to that character; besides, I don’t think THAT counts as a play... And
the special effects would be rather expensive...
Seiya: Aren’t you supposed to be able to will all that into existence?
Mu: Can fic writers create whole planets to stage their tales in?(Eewoks
and all?)
I could if I wanted to, I can destroy Earth if I want to... But I would have to put everything back together when I’m finished so all the other Fic writers don’t have to start from scratch.
Ikki: SOMEBODY might have to reconsider his position as the man closest
to god.
Shaka: .... Um, miss?
(Blinks twice)Yes?
Shaka: What is your name?
Huh? Oh, Toffee. Why?
Seiya: She claims she controls the universe and she is called TOFFEE?
Shaka: Toffee-sama, do you, by any chance, need a bodyguard?
Saori: EXCUSE ME?
Kanon: Yeah, do you need a few bodyguards?
I—erm, no, I can write one up whenever I want to. Thank you anyway.
Shaka: Is there anything you need?
Aiolia: Is it just me or he is trying to gain her favours?
Ikki: Well, The man closest to the Fanfic writer does seem to be a
good position.
HEY! We are supposed to make our minds up on a play, you know!
Shun: *Bright eyed and smiling* OOH! Could we do a SailorMoon play?
Ikki: Um...Shun?
Shun: Yes Niisan?
Ikki: Uh ....*sweatdrop*, I don’t thimk that would be a very...um-
appropriate idea...
Umm... Actually, the idea isn’t that bad. I’m sure the Anti-Seiya club would appreciate a Sailor-clad Seiya...
Seiya: Hey! I don’t look like a girl do I?
Ikki: You do look like Jupiter...
Shiryu: Wasn’t Jupiter the TALLEST Sailor?
He could dye his hair and act as Rini.
Seiya: I WILL NOT DRESS AS A SAILOR! Besides, I have heard that dyeing your hair is rather complicated...
Seiya’s hair miraculously turns pink. See, it’s easy!
Saori: Getonwiththeplayyoufummph!
Ikki: Not in front of Shun, You might make him cry.
Camus: By the way, where is Hyoga?
Since he is my favourite character I AM NOT going to humiliate him along with the rest of you.
Hyoga: Shaka, eat your heart out.
Milo: Can she do that?
Seiya: I think so....
Ikki: Anybody crazy enough to call herself Toffee is capable of anything.
WHAT WAS THAT?
Ikki: Um (Nervously)... How about little red riding hood?
Deathmask: As long as Saori is Grandma, Seiya is the little red riding
hood and I am the hunter.
Saga: Why?
Deathmask: So they stay eaten.
Saori: HA-HA-HA-*cracks her knuckles*
Fine, “Little red riding hood” then.
Everybody: BUT THERE ARE TOO FEW CHARACTERS!!
Then we do Cinderella and that’s the end of the argument! Here:
Scripts appear out of thin air into the saint’s hands.
YOU HAVE THREE DAYS TO MEMORIZE YOUR PARTS!
Saori: One question.
YES!?
Saori: Who’s who?
Seiya: Can I be the prince?
Saori: In that case I refuse to be Cinderella.
Hyoga will be the prince( Of course) and... Freya will be Cinderella.(Uhg.)
Freya: Weee!
Saori will be the Evil step mother, Ikki and Deathmask will be evil step-sisters..
Deathmask: I will NOT wear girls clothes!
Ikki: Me neither!
Two words: BATHROOM CLEANING!
Deathmask: Do I have to wear a bra?
Ikki: OOH! I love transvestites *tee-hee-hee*
Seiya: Oh no, he’s lost it again.
Seiya will be one of the mice.
Seiya: Mice? We are doing the Disney version? I don’t want to be a mouse!
Would you rather being a pumpkin?
Seiya: On the other hand...
Shun will be a fairy..
Everybody: Big change!
Shun: I get to be the Fairy godmother? WEEE!
Shaka: See? I told he had a BREASTS on his PINK cloth for a reason.
Ikki: .... No comments.
Shiryu will be the one to go looking for Cinderella with the slipper.
Shiryu: ....So much for Shakespeare....
Hey, there are no small parts, just small actors; try and do your best! And, Dohko?
Dohko: Yeah?
Do the MISOPETHA MENOS.
Seiya: Um.. Toffee?
*SIGH* Yes?
Seiya: Could you un-dye my hair?
Seiya’s hair becomes brown again.
Seiya: thank you...
NOW, I EXPECT TO BE SEEING YOU HERE IN THREE DAYS TIME. READ YOU PARTS AND MEMORIZE THEM.
Seiya: Squeak.
See you then.
Saori: I hope she doesn’t write a sequel to this fanfic...
Seiya: May Zeus hear you.
If you have any comments E-mail the to Karenhath21@hotmail.com I guess I may or may not write chapter two... The saints don’t seem to like the idea...
Athena: If you write that I will personally make sure that you end up in hell!
And I will make you perform a striptease in front of all your saints!
Athena: AIIEEE!! Seiya help me! I am undressing myself and I can’t stop
it!
Shiryu: He’s drooling too much to be of any help.
Athena: THEN YOU HELP ME!
Aiolos: Should we help her?
Naw, enjoy the show. It doesn’t happen everyday.
Hyoga: Got any popcorn Toffee?
No, but I will write some up for you right away Hyoga-chan.
Athena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
And they all lived happily after, well- sort of: Athena had a hard time trying to get her underwear down from a tree after Seiya hid it there, Shiryu spent two whole days meditating and trying to find his inner artist, Shun dyed his hair blond and insisted that his fairy costume was identical to the Eternal Sailormoon outfit, Shaka never managed to win my heart and the saints were forced to stay inside the house because that irresponsible fanfic writer Toffee forgot to make the hungry Dobermans disappear. *Snicker*
THE END
Authors note: I ALWAYS write long notes...but not today! BWUAHAHAHAHAAA!(evil
laughter) All I wanted to say is that there IS and anti-Seiya club in Spain,
I don’t have a membership since I live in Chile...
But I feel I’m part of it just the same. Any ideas will be appreciated.
If you didn’t like this you can Mail me just the same, but don’t expect
a friendly answer (if any!). BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! *snicker*
Lotsa luv!
"Let The Show Begin!!" is © Sofía "Toffee" Francisco.
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