A Saintly Church Chat

kuri-chan's disclaimer:
I found this story in a fanfic archive, zipped and in .doc, with no author nor email adress mentioned, so I decided to format it in HTML and to store it here... If by any chance you know the author, please tell me!



"Well, hello there! I'm the Church Lady, your host for this edition of Church Chat! I'm very excited about today's program, as I'm sure all of you will be, when you meet our special guests today who have flown here all the way from Japan!
Now let's have a big welcome for our guests today Miss Saori Kiddo and her five young wards Seiya, Hyoga, Shiryu, Ikki, and Shun!"

[Much applause as Saori & co. enter.]

"Well, Miss Kiddo, thank you coming to join us today with your young friends!"

"Thank you, Church Lady, for inviting us! It's always a pleasure to appear on American television!"

"Yes, I'm sure it is. But you've been on Japanese television for some time, now haven't you?
Now what is the name of that little program you all do, it seems to have slipped my mind..."

"Ahem, not meaning to sound immodest, but it's called Saint Seiya!!"

"Yes, that's it, thank you Mr. Seiya.
Hmmm.
SAINT Seiya, eh?
Well, now, isn't that special? So you're all Saints now, aren't you?"

[General nod and affirmative assertions from our 5 heroes.]

"Well aren't you just lucky young men? Normally it takes many years of detailed debate by our friend the Church and proof of at least two miracles for any NORMAL person to be declared a Saint, and here you all are barely out of school yet! You must all be such very special young men to deserve this title, hmmm?
So what is it you do that allows you to hold this title, eh?"

"Er, well, our basic job is to protect Saori."

"Oh thank you Hyoga. And how do you do this, hmmm, I just wonder -- let's take a look at your show and find out."

[Insert standard Seiya battle scene clip here.]

"Well, it looks like you boys get to be Saints by basically beating the heebie-jeebies out of lots of other innocent people! It's just smash, kill, and destroy all over the place for you isn't it?
Hmmm -- that reminds me a lot of the basic tactic of another person I know. Now what was his name? What could it be? I just can't remember. Oh yes, could it maybe be SATAN ?!?"

"Now wait Miss Church Lady, we're only defending ourselves and Saori when they attack us!"

"Oh now is that so, Shiryu? And why is it so important to defend the little purple-haired and scantily-clad trollop anyway?"

"Well, she's Athena."

"Oh! Well that explains everything! A reincarnation of a pagan goddess! Naturally! Of course you don't bother doing anything for our friend, the real Big Cheese, Mr. Jesus, now do you? No, you have to spend your days beating the tar out of people for a little floozy who thinks she's a Greek deity. How lovely!"

"Now hang on a minute!"

"Oh yes, Mr. Ikki, speaking of hanging on, you fellows have a lot of hangers on of the female type don't you? A bunch of pretty boys like you, with your long wild hair all moussed up and fluffy and those nice tight armor outfits -- why whenever those girls see you they must get all those naughty parts all engorged and tingling I'd imagine, hmmm?
But enough of this – one question we're all dying to know is this this; we all know there's not much of a living to be made beating up random people all over the globe, so how do you all survive on your own?"

"Well, er, most of us live in the Graude Foundation mansion with Saori..."

"Oh yes I should have guessed. All living together in sin under one roof. Just like those ancient Greek pagans, I imagine! Why it must just be pile-on time every night! Fun, fun, fun for all all the time! Isn't that just extra special--"

[At this point Ikki decided he had had enough of the Church Lady's tirade....]

"HO-OH GENMA KEN!"

"Why what's happening to me? I seem to be losing my Churchliness! This is terrible! Oh no! No! Stop! Aaargh! Please!
Whatever happens, don't let the newspapers find out please!"

Grinning, Ikki asked, "Find out what, Miss Church Lady?"

"They mustn't know that I've collected the video tapes of all Saint Seiya and Japanese Animation I can get my grubby little hands on! I especially love Cream Lemon! Oooh!"



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