Oh, my poor
daughter! My poor girl!
Let’s try
again. Open your mouth and see if you can speak now.
(ANGELIQUE
opens her mouth and struggles to make a sound.)
It’s no use.
Did you send the
coachman for Dr. Diaforous?
Yes, but it may
take them awhile. The young Diaforous says he has no intention of marrying a
dumb wife. So I sent for Dr. Sganarelle.
And who is Dr.
Sganarelle?
Only the greatest
dumb specialist in the Empire!
(aside)
Or is that the
dumbest great specialist?
I still don’t
believe this. How did you hear about someone like him?
The nuns at the
convent. He’s very big with nuns.
(Doorbell
rings.)
Hark! I believe
that is he now!
(SHE tiptoes toward the door, opens it and admits
SGANARELLE who now wears a beard and sports a long robe.)
Oh,
good doctor, it tis you, is it not?
It tis
Pray that thee
can help my poor mistress!
Let me feel your
pulse.
That’s not my
daughter. That’s my wife.
And a fine piece of
baggage, too, I must say!
(to
Beline)
If anything goes
wrong with any part of you, do not hesitate to call on me.
(to
Angelique)
Then this must be
the patient.
Yes, she’s my
only daughter. It would
She
mustn’t do anything of the kind. She mustn’t die without a
doctor’s prescription.
(to
Toinette)
Come, a chair for
the doctor.
She’s
not a bad-looking patient. I think a strong healthy man might make something of
her.
You’ve made
her laugh, sir.
So
much the better. It’s an excellent
sign when the doctor makes the patient laugh. Usually they make them cry. Now
what’s the trouble? What’s
wrong with you? Where do you feel bad?
(making
signs touching her mouth, head and chin with her finger)
Ha-he-ha-hon.
Eh! What was that?
Ha-he-ha-hon.
What?
Hon-ha-he-hay.
Hon-ha-he-hay? What the deuce language is that?
That’s
exactly the trouble, sir. She’s
lost the power of speech and so far no one has been able to find what the
reason is. Just an hour ago it caused her marriage to be postponed.
But why?
The
man she is to marry sent word by my coachman he
And that man
just happens to be a doctor.
Stands
to reason. But who is this idiot who doesn’t want his wife to be dumb? I
would think he would have rushed right over with the priest and the wedding
ring.
Nevertheless I
beseech you, sir, to do everything you can to cure her affliction.
Don’t
you worry. Tell me now, does she have much pain?
Yes, sir.
All the
better. The suffering is very severe?
Very severe.
Splendid. Does she
go---you know where?
Well, this just
happened a few hours ago.
Still and all, is
it the normal sort of…?
I know nothing
about that.
He’s too busy
with his own.
(to
Angelique)
Give me your
wrist. This sort of pulse
Ah, yes, sir,
that is her trouble. You’ve got it straight away.
I told you how
brilliant he was.
We
great physicians know these things at once. An ignorant fellow would have
puzzled his brain and said, “It’s either this or that”, but
of course I put my finger on the trouble immediately, and I inform you that
your daughter is very dumb.
Yes, but I would
very much like you to tell me how it comes about.
Nothing could be
simpler. It’s because she has lost
the power of speech.
Very good. But why
has she lost the power of speech?
All
the best authorities would tell you that it’s due to an impediment in the
use of her tongue.
Yes, but what do
you think is the cause of the impediment in the use of her tongue?
What Aristotle said
about this was very interesting.
I well believe it.
Ah! He was a great man! A greater man than I am…by that much!
(He
raises his arm from the elbow.)
But
to come back to the matter at hand. I consider the impediment in the use of her
tongue is caused by certain humors which we learned physicians call…do
you speak Latin?
Not a bit.
Cabricius arci
thurman. Or in layman’s terms: bonun
Deus Sanctus.
Ah! If only I had been a scholar.
But
these vapors I refer to passing from the left side where the liver is to the
right side where the heart is, it happens that the lungs which we call in
Latin Armyan having communications with the brain which in Greek we
call Nasmus by means of the hollow vein which we call in
Hebrew Cubile encounter on the way the vapors aforesaid which fill
the ventricles of the omoplate and because the said vapors---notice
this particularly, if you please---and because the aforesaid vapors have a malignant
quality---do listen very carefully…
Yes.
Have a certain
I’m doing so.
Caused
by the acidity of the humors engendered in the concavity of the diaphragm, it
so happens that these vapors---
I couldn’t
have said it better myself.
It
was very clearly explained, but there was just one thing which surprised
me---that was the positions of the liver and the heart. It seemed to me you got
them wrong way about, that the heart should be on the left side and the
liver on the right.
Yes,
it used to be so but we have changed all that.
Everything’s quite different in medicine now.
Forgive my
ignorance.
Quite all right.
You can’t be expected to know all that we know.
Of course not. But
what do you think ought to be done about this trouble of hers, sir?
What do I think
ought to be done?
Yes! Get on with it!
Give her some
Why that, sir?
Because
bread and wine mixed together have a certain sympathetic virtue that’s
conducive to talking. They give parrots nothing else, you know. That’s how they learn to talk.
That’s
true. What a great man! Quick!
Some
(TOINETTE
hurries off.)
And now maybe you
can take a look at me.
Are you ill?
Am I ill? Surely you jest, sir.
Doctors
Can’t you
tell by looking at me?
You look the
picture of health.
I’m
practically at death’s door.
Let me help you open
it.
I’ve
been so concerned about my poor daughter I forgot about all the things that are
wrong with me.
You again! I told
you
But I must speak my
piece.
We’ve known each
other for just awhile,
But still my fancies
take flight---
It’s a
miracle!
For every time that
you sigh or smile,
Our tomorrows unite.
(to
Sganarelle)
Oh, I am impressed!
Sir…
Later! My new doctor
is going to give me a thorough examination.
Let
me have your pulse. Ah, here’s an
impudent pulse. It doesn’t know me yet, I can see that. Who’s your doctor?
Dr. Diaforous.
Diaforous. I knew a Diaforous once. He was an inmate at the asylum for the
criminally insane in Gascoigne. Used to
go around feeling everyone’s pulse.
What does he say is wrong with you?
He says it’s
my spleen---others say it’s the liver.
They are all
ignoramuses. It’s your ears.
My ears?
Ah,
my old doctors! You just missed a miracle being performed. This…this amazing doctor here just
cured my daughter of dumbness so now we can go ahead with plans for the
marriage.
I don’t
believe what I am hearing!
Come, Angelique,
show them how well you are doing now.
It worked wonders.
That is absurd!
That’s how
they get parrots to talk.
In
something as complex as this, you need a little chicken broth and a couple of
prunes to cleanse the system. Open your mouth, my dear. Ah!
Just as I thought: esophogitis.
This can take months to cure and there’s no guarantee it will
work. So we’d better forget about the marriage altogether
.
This doctor was
about to examine me.
You have us to examine you.
I just thought
I’d get a second opinion.
What day is
today? Tuesday? It’s your blood-letting day.
I expected as
much. Blood-letting.
What would you
suggest?
Why, mud-letting,
of course!
Mud-letting!
Obviously
you do not keep up with the latest in medicine. Everyone develops a bit of mud
in their ears as days go by, and it is
I
think I can safely say for my son, also, we do not adhere to these newfangled
notions.
SGANARELLE
Stop!
These barbarian
barbers
Are killing this poor
fellow
And I must tolerate
them both.
Oh, Hippocrates,
It’s times like
these,
I wish I’d
Ignore him, Thomas,
We must keep our
humility,
For doctors
don’t
In mutual scurrility.
Though
you watch this fellow pander
And
you see he’s vile and base,
You
cannot resort to slander---
You
can only make a face.
I’m sure
I’d use vulgarity,
I swear I’d use
vulgarity
If my sister were not
a Sister
Of the Sisters
of Charity.
Ignore him, Thomas,
We must keep our humility,
For doctors
don’t
In mutual scurrility.
You can flout a
patient,
Out shout a patient,
And on rare occasions
You can clout a
patient---
But a doctor’s
a doctor
And let it be known,
We are
Of one of our own.
SGANARELLE
One of our own! What do you know about medicine?
What do I know
about medicine? What do you know
about medicine?
That’s no
fair---I asked you first.
Pater, tell him
what you know about medicine.
All my colleagues
were distraught
On how to cure the
common wart---
The remedy
Was found by me
By a hiding a dishrag
beside a tree---
So it’s only
professional ethics
Which makes me ignore
what I see.
Since I’ve also
studied warts,
I must refute your
wart reports;
You should not brag,
For there’s one
snag---
The tree must be
hidden beside the rag!
So it’s only
professional ethics---
It was I who was
called to the Conte DuFore
The summer he cried
that his head was sore;
Well, he had such a lot o’
Medulla oblongata
That I took some away
And gave it to the
poor.
So it’s only
professional ethics,
Purely professional
ethics,
Entirely professional
ethics
Which keeps me from
mentioning more.
Tis I who cured the
Lady Kent.
She had a pinky which
was bent;
She awkwardly
Would drink her tea
Till I bent all the
others for symmetry;
So it’s only
professional ethics
And the fact that
he’s bigger than me.
Tis I who cured the
Duke de Lais,
Who liked to count
his vertebrae---
He sulked until
I used my skill
And took them all out
so he’d count at will,
So it’s only
professional ethics
That keep me----
It was I who was
called to the Spanish king
The winter he
swallowed his wedding ring.
Though I tried to
retrieve it,
I finally said,
“Leave it,”
And wisely annulled
his marriage in the spring.
So it’s only
professional ethics,
Entirely professional
ethics
That keep me from
saying a thing.
In the last bubonic
plague,
Many antidotes were
vague,
So I, monsieur,
Conceived the cure
Of clubbing the sick
with their furniture---
So it’s only
professional ethics
That make me put up with
this boor.
In the last bubonic
plague,
All the remedies were vague,
So I, my man,
Conceived the plan
Where they paid as
they went in the fun’ral van----
So it’s only
professional ethics
That make me---
In my best-selling
book on prolonged disease,
Twas I who confirmed
the hypothesis:
When a
patient’s a Midas,
A cold becomes
bronchitis
If you just will be
patient with the patient’s sneeze.
So it’s only
professional ethics,
Purely professional
ethics,
Entirely professional
ethics
That make me attempt
to appease
Now. Are you going
to listen to him or to us?
Well…I…I…
You
dare hesitate! After all our injections, pills, powders and purgatives?
This is the thanks we get! Come Thomas.
It’s obvious we are not welcome here.
I have
I have
We have
But these are things
we’ll do some day.
Her voice has come
back!
We have
As the twilight slips
away,
We have
But these are things
we’ll do some day.
I’ve heard
enough.
Each time we touch
We’ll fall in
love anew---
We have so much,
So much to look
forward to---
And soon we both will
know
How warm the winter
seems
When your love is
there to stay,
Then we’ll sit
and share
Our secret silent
dreams,
Yes, these are things
we’ll do someday.
But
how can I be sure her voice won’t disappear again?
Only
one way.
More
A
stroll in the park.
A
stroll in the park?
The
combination of herbs at this time of year---calendula, angelica, rosemary and
sweet woodruff---has amazing curative powers.
Toinette, take
Angelique for a stroll in the park.
Oh, not your maid!
I must examine her.
Examine
Toinette? For heaven’s sake, why?
She looks a bit
piqued. It appears to come somewhere from the nether region .Let the young man go.
Very well then.
(CLEANTE
takes ANGELIQUE’s hand and leads her to the door.)
A
stroll in the park will do no harm. But, mind you, I have no intention of
letting you marry him.
(to
Sganarelle)
Tell
me, doctor. I am most impressed with what I’ve seen here today. Where did
you get your training?
Here. There.
The
And you
don’t believe at all in blood-letting?
I could bleed you if I
wanted to, monsieur,
For bleeding is a
bloody common cure,
But though a purge is
mighty,
Why mess your pretty
nightie?
When I’ve a
remedy that works for sure,
For sure.
And
your scalpels get rusty,
Do
what the doctors in
Take
a cricket’s tail and a katydid,
And
mix, mix, mix,
Mix,
mix, mix.
Drop
them into the broth, sir---
Then
just in order to season it,
Put
the tongues of four chimpanzees in it,
And
mix, mix, mix,
Mix,
mix, mix.
One
with rigor mortis---
Then
observe what you’ve got!
Look!
A
shroud o’
Chowder.
Take
some witch’s familiar---
Don’t
be concerned with its sex or size,
Just
toss it right in and exorcise---
And
mix, mix, mix,
Mix, mix, mix.
Spout
some wild incantations---
Voices
will soon start to answer you:
Aw, go on, you old necromancer, you!
And
mix, mix, mix,
Mix, mix, mix.
Add
to two parts iguana---
Then
just in order to sweeten it,
Put
a crocodile’s fangs and his feet in it,
And
mix, mix, mix,
Mix,
mix, mix.
Chop
and sprinkle sparsely---
Let
it come to a head,
Then
cool yon
Bullion.
And
should it make you sick, sir---
Look
what you’ve got when you reach in it,
Here’s
a medical book and a leech in it,
Cause
you mixed, mixed, mixed,
Mixed,
mixed!
Extraordinary! I
feel better already!
What on earth is
going on here?
(SHE
blows out the candle, opens the curtains and lets the light in, glares at
Toinette and Sganarelle.)
Are you two quite finished
with your little games?
This mixture is
quite wonderful, my dear. You must try some.
Be careful they
don’t kill you.
How that woman
adores me!
I wouldn’t
count on that.
Ah,
sir! Don’t talk like that about my
mistress. No one can say a word against her.
She’s a woman completely without guile, and she loves the
master. How she does love him! There’s no telling the depth of her
love.
Ask her how
she loves me.
It’s quite
true.
How worried she is
by my illnesses.
No doubt about
that.
What care, what
trouble she bestows on me.
That’s
certain. Would you like me to convince you immediately just how much she loves
him? Master, let me show him how little he knows.
How?
Lie down in that
chair and pretend to be dead.
You’ll see how she’ll grieve.
All right.
Don’t keep
her too long in a state of despair. It might be the death of her.
Leave it to me. I suppose
there’s no risk in pretending to be dead.
No. No. What risk
could there be? Just stretch yourself
out and keep still.
(calling)
Oh, mistress, come
quick! Something dreadful has happened!
What? What is it?
Oh, mistress!
What’s
happened?
Your husband is
dead.
My husband is dead?
TOINETTE
Are you sure?
See for yourself.
Heaven be praised!
What a relief! Why are you crying?
I thought it the
proper thing to do, madam.
Good
Lord, who’s going to miss him? What use was he anyhow? He was a
nuisance to everybody, dirty, disgusting, always wanting an injection or
another dose of medicine in his flabby belly, forever sniveling, coughing,
spitting---dull, boring, bad tempered, tiresome to everyone.
What a funeral
oration that will make!
So, my lady! That’s how you adore me!
He’s not
dead after all!
Get
out! Get out of my sight! Get out of my house! Get out of my country! I
My
goodness, I
What
a glorious day it is! Cleante is just
coming. He’s picking me a bouquet
of forget-me-nots. What? What is it,
Toinette? Why are you crying?
Oh, Angelique!
Your father…
What about my
father?
He’s dead.
Oh, no!
There he is. He
had a sudden fainting fit and---expired---just like that.
Oh,
heavens! How terrible! What a cruel misfortune! To lose my dear father, who
was all the world to me. And what makes it even worse to lose him at a
time when he was angry with me.
What is the
matter, my dear Angelique? Why are you weeping?
But that leaves us
free to marry!
Oh,
Cleante. We must give up all thought of
marriage. I have no more interest in the
world now that I’ve lost my father. I
Ah, my daughter!
Father!
Come. Don’t be frightened. I’m not dead. There you are my own daughter, and I am
Ah, father, what a
relief!
(to
Sganarelle)
Now
I see what you meant about my ears. But,
good sir, it was not only my ears, but my eyes also.
Since
heaven, in its goodness, restores you to me, father, let me throw myself at
your feet and implore one favor of you. If you can’t approve my
heart’s desire, if you can’t give me Cleante for a husband
don’t, I beg you, force me to marry another. That’s all I ask of you.
Sir, let her
prayers and mine move you. Don’t
oppose our mutual inclinations.
Master. How can
you resist such affection?
Let
him become a doctor and I’ll consent to the marriage. Yes, become a
doctor and I’ll give you my daughter.
Willingly,
sir. If that’s all that’s required to become your son-in-law
I’ll turn doctor, ay, even apothecary if you like.
I
have a better idea, master. Why not become a doctor yourself? It would be even
more convenient to be able to provide yourself with everything you need. And
it’s the very way to get better quickly.
What disease would have the audacity to attack the doctor himself?
I think you are
making fun of me. Am I of an age to
start studying?
Study? You know
enough about it already.
But
you need to know Latin, diagnose the various complaints, and know the remedies for
them.
Once
you put on the cap and gown of a doctor the rest comes of itself. You’ll find you have all the skill you
require. Whatever nonsense you talk
becomes
(musing)
A doctor?
Take your cane and
throw it away,
Confiscate each pill!
Listen and you
won’t have to pay
Another medical bill!
Be
your own doctor,
Cure
your own flu,
Be
your own doctor
And
just let love come through!
And
just let love come through!
Remember
when you look
In
your looking glass,
The
only people
Who
can’t stand people
Are
other people---
So
why be one of the mass?
Be
your own doctor,
Cure
your own gout,
You’re
your own doctor
As
long as love wins out,
As
long as love wins out!
Unclench
your teeth!
Unknit
your brow!
And
be your own doctor,
Be
your own doctor,
Be
your own doctor now!
Be
your own doctor,
Cure
your own pain!
Be
your own doctor
And
let compassion reign,
And
let compassion reign!
Remember
if you want
The
right ways and means,
You
should be dealing
With
depth of feeling,
For
love is healing
And
doctors don’t know from beans!
Be
your own doctor
Cure
your own ills,
Take
a heavy dose of
Love’s
spills and chills and thrills,
Love’s
spills and chills and thrills!
Unclench
your teeth,
Unknit
your brow---
And
be your own doctor,
Be
your own doctor,
Be
your own doctor now!
