Unofficial History of Tristram

Most histories of Tristram present the village as a sleepy little hamlet unlucky enough to be built on top of a gateway to hell. That is because most histories have been written by those who still live there, and in whose best interests it is to present their town in a positive light. These stories could not be further from the truth. The true, unofficial history of Tristram is a shocking tale of scandal, sin, betrayal, murder, greed, and terror. Not to mention running with a spoon in your mouth (you wondered why Cain spoke that way?).

Join us now for our continuing saga... Tales Of Tristram.

In the year of our Cow God 1127, the plot of cursed land that would become the town of Tristram was nothing more than a green field located at the fork of the Yurinery River. The land was cultivated by a family of farmers known across the kingdom for their ability to grow gigantic vegetables. People came far and wide to view tomatoes the size of a human head, pumpkins the size of boulders, and goiters the size of your fist (the farmers were not the cleanest citizens in the land). Known by the name of Miraclgro, the family lived a happy, prosperous life. So prosperous, in fact, that soon a town sprung up on the site of their farm. Named 'Tristram' after a dance craze sweeping the land (minstrels could be heard singing the catchy tune 'Tristram the Night Away' in every village and every glade), the town began to flourish as new residents flocked to live in the peaceful, idyllic location.

But the peace was soon to be broken when a gang of drunken, rabble-rousing mages calling themselves the 'Horadrim' arrived in the village. Though popular accounts of the Horadrim now paint them as noble magi dedicated to ridding the Earth of the dark forces of evil, they were actually a band of troublemaking travelling magicians. Led by the duo of Royfried and Sig, whose act consisted of making cats disappear (the town well helped complete this illusion, with Tristram's water supply taking on a decidedly feline taste), the Horadrim quickly bullied the residents of the sleepy village into electing them to the position of Town Council. The ruthless tactics of the Horadrim were tolerated only because of their possession of the Soulstone that contained Diablo, the Lord of Terror. Songs sung and tales told through the ages insist that the Horadrim captured and imprisoned the demon after a great battle. In truth, they came across the Soulstone while rolling a drunken wizard named Jered Cain, who was quickly made a member of their group when they realized he possessed a discount card to all stores in the 'Spittoon of Ale' liquor chain.

As the Horadrim continued to rule Tristram with a drunken fist, Royfried and Sig decided that they must build a shrine to honor themselves, and an underground labyrinth in which to store the Soulstone (which, truth be told, was getting on their nerves - you try staring into an eternally pulsating red light with a hangover). Lurching into action, the Horadrim decreed that the only property in town suitable for their shrine was the Miraclgro family farm, which was immediately seized, razed, and construction of the new church begun. There was much grumbling about the injustice of this action, but no citizen possessed the testicular fortitude to stand up to the drunken mages. The Miraclgro clan was last seen slinking dejectedly out of the town they helped found, never to be seen again (though rumors persist that they went on to great fame and fortune in the primitive land of Kharsuponbloks, where they were revered as gods after painting faces on their goiters, convincing the locals that they had two heads).

The church was completed, and the dungeons and caves beneath the shrine constructed over the course of many years. But after completing twelve levels of the labyrinth, workers refused to dig any farther. Dark rumors circulated that they had dug so deep as to find Hell itself. The Horadrim, older now but still as drunk, decided after a night of revelry to "go down and check it out". A week passed, and no member of the mage clan returned from the recesses of the dungeon. Realizing that their town leaders were lost somewhere in the caverns below, the townspeople sprang into action. But just as the last brick sealing the passageway to the underground was being put into place, Jered Cain stumbled up from the dark depths, calling out for help, salvation... and a pint of that honey ale, not the honey lemon ale, but just the honey ale with the slightly sweet taste but not too sweet as to make you think you're drinking a fruit juice or something. Speaking through the hole where the final brick was to be placed, Cain told the townspeople a tale of terror, of Hellfire, of his fellow magi encountering foul beasts who poured up through the dungeons after them, flooding the labyrinth with evil. Of course he also told the story about the time he took up with a farmer's wife and daughter for an erotic threesome, the time he had a dog named 'Stumpy' who he used as an anchor on his boat, and the time he ate seventeen eggs in one sitting. The Cain family has always been known to ramble. Feeling pity for the poor wizard, the townspeople brought him a mug of honey ale... before completing the wall by inserting the last brick, drowning out Cain's pathetic cries of, "What? No pretzels?"

Years passed after the disappearence of the Horadrim, with the citizens of Tristram once more able to lead simple, peaceful lives. But as is the case with this cursed village, that peace was not to last. The changes began when an unemployed rust repairer named Leoric ('Leo' to friends) wandered into town with his partner in alcoholism Willie Burnbaum ('Barfeater' to friends... don't ask). Again, history books do not paint an accurate picture of Leoric, claiming him to be 'a great northern lord'. This is perhaps an understandable mistake, as he WAS known around Tristram as 'a grating, noxious load'. But Leoric was blessed with a charisma that could make people turn to his point of view and ultimately do his bidding... particularly if they were sloshed at the time. So Leoric and Willie recruited many inhabitants of the local tavern into a guild they called 'The Order of the Light'. While this may sound noble, documents unearthed suggest that they were actually named for a new ale brewed by Ogden the tavern-owner which contained half the calories of regular ale. They would need to be light on their feet for the plan Leoric was devising.

Aware of the legend of the Soulstone buried beneath the church, Leoric knew that the man who possessed it would also possess it's power - not to mention a nifty looking night-light. So one dark and cold November eve Leoric led Willie and the rest of the Order of the Light down into the labyrinth, having convinced them that Ogden kept casks of mead and ale hidden in its depths. As they entered they were greeted by a shocking sight - the skeleton of Jered Cain, slumped against a pillar, mug of honey ale still clutched in his bony fingers. After licking the residue from the mug, Leoric and his colleagues ventured downward into the darkness.

A famous portrait of Leoric, painted during one of his
hellacious benders.

Accounts of what happened in that foul dungeon are not to be trusted, as the only members of the Order of the Light to return to the surface were Leoric and his friend Willie. It is speculated that they survived in much the same way a drunk survives a bad fall or cart accident - they are simply too relaxed to be hurt. Of course it helps to have thirty close friends to throw to whatever demons happen to attack. Whatever the case, Leoric and Willie returned to the surface clutching the Soulstone... and Jered Cain's mug of ale, which they took turns sucking on in hopes of extracting whatever meager alcohol content was left.

With the Soulstone in their grasp, Leoric and Willie used the threatened power of Diablo to improve their standing a bit. Leoric quickly crowned himself King, while Willie assumed the role of Archbishop. Realizing that 'Archbishop Willie' just didn't sound right, and 'Archbishop Barfeater' was even LESS impressive, he decided to change his name to Lazarus - after his mother. Leoric's first order of business was to insist the church be rennovated into a building befitting the town of Tristram's noble heritage. Namely, a brothel. Leoric's second order of business was to organize the biggest funeral the village had ever witnessed. Was it for his fallen comrades in the Order of the Light? No... it was for Jered Cain's mug of ale, which Leoric insisted kept he and Willie -- er, Lazarus -- alive throughout their siege in the dungeon. A funeral procession wound through town and across the bridge west of the village, where the mug was placed to rest under a lone beernut tree. The new Archbishop presided over the ceremony, calling the mug 'the best friend a man could ever hope for'. The grave is still there to this day. It's hard to get to, but the dedicated traveller can still find the crooked marker under the tree west of town, the word 'Honey' carved with love on the stone cross.