ジミー: あんたは愛を信じないか?
ジョ: はあ, あいを信じる. 癌を信じる.
ジミー : 両方は病気?
ジョ: 何かはそれような.
- 最後のボイスカウット

私は昨年あいました, 10月ごろ. ポケモンリーグで. はじめに彼女は14歳といいまし た. その後で私に19歳といいました. ポケモンリーグ入りたいからうそをつきました. After talking with her a bit, I must say that I was somewhat taken by her.

かのじょはとてもとおいに住むからポケモンリーグへ来るのはむずかしいです. だから, 11月から来ませんでした. 私は仰天でした. でも, ふつうのものをしました. そして, 私は彼女がまた来ると期待しました.

私は2月ごろまたあいました, カードショップで. 私はとてもうれしいでし た.

For a short while, she, another individual and I would meet at the shop and play Pokemon. And for some time, it was fun. She also began coming to the Pokemon League again, being given a ride from the same area by the other individual. We would also have "group-dinner" after the League.

I would learn a lot about her. We shared many things in common: we both like and played Pokemon (though she was far greater a player that I could ever hope to be), both liked and played Magic, playing various role- playing games on various video game machines, liked hot foods, the Japanese language, we were both the only children in our families, and we even were studying the same major (computer programming).

Unfortunately (depending on your outlook on the matter), I was beginning to fall in love with her. Not the type of infatuation that most people deal with; simply being in love with being in love.

And I also suspected that the other individual had as well.

遂に, 私は彼女に本当の気持ちをいいました.

こたえは? [一つの男の人も].

そして, 彼女は話題を速くかわりました.

That icy-coldness seemed oddly familiar to me (for a reason that you will soon read). I had been shot. And one of the few dreams that I ever truly had was crushed without so much as a second thought.

I pleaded with her to give me a chance, telling her everything. I begged.

でも, それはダメでした.

それから私の感情はダウンヒールへ行ました.

私はおちこんでいるになりました. ベッドにいました. なにもしませんでした. はな しませんでした. よく食べませんでした. 毎晩, 私は泣きました. あなたはそれと思い ますか? 23歳の男のひと? 子供ようになかう? これは2週間つずきました.

Needless to say, my parents were concerned with the matter, my father in particular. I tried to explain that I need to deal with my problems in my own way. He could see that I was depressed. His concerns for my well-being were well-founded: there had been a few suicides in the base where I currently live, two of which in the area where my father worked. However, he could not see that I wasn't stupid enough to do something that drastic.

そして, 父はばくはつしました. 二回. 叫びましたと叫びました.

それは私の状況をたすけませんでした. いつも, 私と父はいい関係がありました. で も, 私はあなたにこれをいいます: 私たちは大体お互い大嫌いでした. おもしろくあ りませんでした.

We didn't talk for some time, and it was time to tell both of my parents exactly what is going on so they could both understand. And that they had to let me deal with my problems in my own way.

That is what happened up until now.

最後にこれがわかりました: 夢があるのはばかなことです.

私は沢山夢があると思いました. でも一番多いは[希望]でした. 私の重要な夢はだれ かのことあ好きです. そして, その方は私のことが好きです.

Rejection wasn't that part that hurt the most; rejection, in any form, hurts.

The part that hurt most was not being given a second thought; not even a basic consideration.

I don't know how many people say to themselves, "I'm in love with this person". But I truly loved her. Whether it was talking with her on the phone those few times, or giving her some cards for the games that she needed, or paying for her dinner, or just asking about how she was doing and her life . . . it was that warm smile, that "thank you", and that laugh that made me realize that I wanted to be the one to try and make her happy. Whatever she truly wanted it, I wanted to try and give it to her.

When she needed help, I wanted to be the one to help her. When she would cry, I wanted to be the one to hold her. When she needed a hug, I wanted to give her one. When she needed to talk to someone, I wanted to be that person. I wanted to share her in her hopes and dreams, and help her reach them.

My self-worth is based upon making another person happy. If I can't make another person happy, then I am worthless.

Can you imagine that? Someone telling you the equivalent of "No, I don't want you to try. No one like you could make me happy. Forget me."

そして, その時ごろ, 私の一番いいともだちはハワイから出ました. 私はとくべつなひとがいりました. でも . . . でも . . .

私はまたひとりでした.

I felt abandoned, and betrayed. I don't know why, but I did.

これと思います: 私は彼女のためにする時私は自分のしんぱいをわすれました. じつは私はいつもしんぱいします. 学校から今まで. 私のどきゅうせいは晩なにをす ると思う時私は未来を思いました. 私は大学を終わりますか? 次はどこへ行きますか ? 愛をみつけますか? けっこんしますか? 奥さん支えることができます? 私はいい 夫になりますか? 子供がいますか? 私はいいとやさしいお父さんになりますか? ご はんを買うことができますか? しごと?

たくさんしんぱいはとても不健康です.

これでふるい傷跡がおぼえまっした. 6年まえに私はふられた. その同じ遣り方 . . . この同じ苦しみ . . . 河野同じ悲しみ.

And that fact is further compounded every Wednesday evening at the Pokemon League, when I see them together. My instincts tell me to not go to the League -- it's a terrible heartache to me, and on those evenings, I cry even more than usual. But the organizers of the Pokemon League depend on me; I know more about rulings than many of the others at the League. So I continue to go, despite what I feel.

その日で私は彼女のかおを見るができません. したら泣きます

You know, for so very long, I prayed. I hoped and I prayed for someone special. Someone that I could share my time and my heart with. For a long time I prayed.

I thought . . . I thought that this was the person. Finally, I would be able to care for someone. Even if it would be only for a short time . . . To finally find a person who shared so many of the same things that I did, I truly thought that I had found that special someone.

I thought that I wouldn't have to eat alone anymore. I wouldn't have to go to the movie alone anymore. I wouldn't have to walk alone anymore. I wouldn't have to spend time alone anymore.

For once, I wanted to be given a chance for love.

私はなんてとても誤りです.

私は自分のかみの色をかわりました. かがみで自分のかおを見ることがでみません. 私はなきました. そして, かみをきりました. 少し時, かがみで私のかおを見ることが できます. I don't look at myself in the mirror much now -- because I'm afraid that I will go to pieces.

すこし大学のしゅくだいをしました. でも, 先生はわかりました. そして, 私にパッシ ングレードをあげました. 私はそのしゅくだいがわかりました. でも, することがで きませんでした.

And then at the end of June, something happened.

I lost my faith in myself, and my faith in God.

I had been a Christian, though not a perfect one, for twenty-three years. I never gave anyone any trouble, I went to and helped out with mass, said my prayers, and was the general good child. But I was abandoned. There is a Japanese comic called Video Girl Ai. In the Japanese version, the main character makes the comment at one point: "I feel like God threw me away." I never truly realized the enormity of that statement until now. And I can sympathize with it.

I . . . I still cry at nights, even though it happened in late April. Sometimes I will be driving home from work or night college classes when I will need to pull into a restaurant parking space and collect myself because it still hurts so much.

へんですね? たんじゅんな文は人のしょうがいをかわるができます. その人のぜんぶ のこと. その人のじしんがある . . . じそんしん . . . しごと . . . 不公平です.

みんなのこたえは[あなたはいつか正しい人をみつけます].

今, 私の未来は寂しいみたいです. 私は古いになります. How can I find the right person when I can't even find a person?

彼女はこれをぜったい読みない. そして, ぜんぜん私の気持ちがわかりません. She will never read this, and she will never fully understand how much that I truly cared for her. She will never understand the utter adoration for her that I once held. I cared for her very much.

She'll never know that loneliness, how much she hurt me. She is an attractive, interesting, woman. People will always want to date her, and be with her.

Then you have people like me, who are the exact opposite. What kind of chance do people like me have with a person like that?

I only wanted to try and be the special person in her life that would attempt to make her happy. And she destroyed all of those feelings that I had for her with her own mouth.

マジック サ ガサリングのカードはあります. そのかーどなまえは[アポカリップス]で す. カードのはなしのテキストは:

わたくしは疲れた . . . なんて疲れた.

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