01/04/04 - Looking Forward Again
After being with someone seriously and making one's best attempt to make things workout, when it finally becomes clear that it will not it easy to fall into anger, regret and disappointment. Yet this day for the first time in a long time things seemed to be focused on the future with a bright prospect. I am moving home and trying to re-establish many things that have been neglected for too long.

10/01/03 - Moving From Home
Even before I was finished moving I was having great difficulty in moving from my home. In the back of my mind I felt that I was going to be here for a very long time and the home was a special gift to me. Somehow I never could depart from that feeling and when everything gets hard I feel like a little girl who just wants to go home.

08/22/03 - My "X" Remarries
The ceremony was nice out on the dock by the beautiful bayou setting with lots of trees and lawn. Afterward there was dinner and time to chat and have a good time. Me...?...well, I did okay for I was definitely happy about the whole prospect of them finding true love. I figure I was joined to the person for 20 years, I do care about them and I do truly want them to be happy... even if it couldn't be with me (sniff, sniff).

07/13/03 - New Orleans Night
We spent the weekend in New Orleans and it was absolutely amazing.

07/011/03 - Professional Roadbumps and Deadends>

Well, I have been offered a promotion... ....and turned it down. I have had to face the difficult fact that the prosition in which I am in, though I love my work, is not tolerable in the way that it is structured. It hurt me to have to turn down the offer, but while I knew I had to, I also recognized that I had to do something to get out of my situation or it would never change. I have requested a transfer and there is no telling how good or badly it could turn out, but I have reached the point where it was absolutely necessary.

06/30/03 - Unexpected Surprise
You know it has always been said, for I have heard personnally to the point of being ill, that when one is desparate for love it can not be found, but as soon as one relaxes and gets able to be satisfied alone, then watch out. Well, add me to the list of people who can be called into court to give testimony to the reality of this.

05/20/03 - Finding Balance
After last month it was just so great to be able to get off from work (2 weeks) and just give some consideration to how my life is going. I have laid out plans to get work under control, get my finances settled, take time to visit friends and to work at the different places I like to help at. God has been so good and present in my life of late that all the trouble I have gone through because of who I am is so insignificant. I of late have felt his reassuring love that no matter how things go, he will be there to be so much more than anything I will confront.

05/20/03 - Calling
This day I know my calling for I could see my whole life leading up to it. It is to communicate God's love to a very special people, the transgendered. No matter a person's gender, God wants to fulfill us all through lives that are good and lived in serving him.

04/27/03 - Work is Consuming Everything!!!
During this time work has gotten unbearable due to being on the road almost entirely and working ridiculous hours each day. This effort has gone on since February (actually back to December). My goal in doing all this had been personal, yet my hope is that things will open up professionally also.
Today I have reached the end of my ability to stay positive. Things have been so hard, intense with hours so long as to make me miss just sitting on my porch or laying on my bed to read or watch a romantic movie. Things just have not worked out with the positiveness that seemed to be promoted for so long, and is just now no where to be found. I have to fight so hard not to let the situation affect my heart, but serve the Lord and know that he will work things out in his time. Even with this in mind I know that I must take a stand firml but very nicely to say that I just can't do all they seem to expect. I hope I don't sound like I am complaining, but I just had to write to someone even if there is no one whoever reads, understands or has been there too.

02/15-28/03 - Significant Risk
I took a risk to find a friend and sadly lost, and in turn set in motion events that would cost me much more. I hope I will not stop taking risks in order to find true friendship no matter the cost.

02/15/03 - Father's Visit
My father whom I haven't known for some twenty five years comes to visit.

08/01/02 - As Life Should Be
My son sits with me on the porch and we reflect on things together in the evening in a soft cool quiet afternoon.

06/04/02 - Divorce Final
The story of the legal ending of the most important relationship of my life.

05/08/02 - My First Grandchild!
The story of my daughter and her first child.

02/04/02 - A Wonderful New Home
The little story of my home. It was right at about a year from our separation I moved into a new home, very small, but very pretty and perfect for me. Since then it has developed and become my own. It is where I live and long to honor my Lord.

12/23/01 - New Love
The bittersweet tale of an intense new love. We met at work and after a beautiful date at Bellingrath Gardens during the winter to see the grounds decorated for Christmas, we spent a wonderful month together. I can not say I know the reason for the end, but one day it seemed like the whole relationship began to just stop and then end shortly after a short period where the distance just grew. It was beautiful and I can not regret one moment. I think it even helped me to understand my own situation better.

05/09/01 - My Best Friend
She is a wonder and worth her weight in gold to me. She has helped me through my most difficult times after being on my own by her openly inviting me into her circle of friends and has been so kind over the years. She is the prettiest thing I know and a tomboy who the more macho she tries to be, the more of a girl she obviously shows forth so stunningly.

02/13/01 - Leaving Home
I left my home after 20 years in order to bring peace for my family. The building tension between my spouse and I was destroying the happiness of all of us, and most especially my children. Fortunately they were grown so I considered this more of a situation to be worked out as a couple. I wanted to continue to work toward reconciliation, but in order to reduce the immediate stresses I withdrew.