HAPPIES
BEAUTIFUL HEARTS
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect.
There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.
Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.
The people stared--how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed.
"You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."
"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love--I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges--giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.
How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart.
EMAIL FROM GOD
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent her to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth. 95% of the people are bad and only 5% are good." God thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So he called another angel and sent to her Earth When this angel returned, she went to God and told Him, "Yes, indeed, the Earth is in decline. 95% of the people are bad and 5% of them are good." God said this was not good news.
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
You didn't get one either, huh? (GOTCHA!)
PARADOX OF OUR TIME by George Carlin
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints
We spend more, but have less.
We buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses, and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees, but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom, a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
To all my friends in my life, thanks for being there!
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BLONDE JOKES
As you may know I love blonde jokes, but let me just say I would NEEEEVVVVVERRRR imply that any of my blonde friends were....well you know, slow. That would be like the kettle calling the frying pan black (or shoot...how ever you say that!). See. Take a look.
A VERY SMART BLONDE
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke.
BLONDE ON HORSEBACK
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
BLONDE THROWING PINS
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run! She has a grenade in her mouth!
BLONDE PRINTING A WORD DOCUMENT
CAR BREAK IN
A Blonde phoned the police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, " she cried. The policeman took down all pertinent information regarding type of car, address, etc., and was getting ready to go out to investigate when the phone rang again. The same voice came over the phone. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake,"
ROAD CREW
A blonde begged her friend at the highway department for a job, any job at all. "Sure," he said, "I can't seem to keep people who paint the lines down the center of the roads. Will you paint stripes?" The blonde agreed and began work immediately. The first day the blonde painted 5 miles of stripes. The next day the blonde painted three miles. But on the third day she only painted one mile of stripes. The supervisor took the blonde aside and asked what was wrong. "You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days. Why are you working so slow now? The blonde replied, "The bucket keeps getting farther away."
SPACE RACE
A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space." The American said, "So??? We were the first on the moon." The Blonde said, "So what? I will be the first on the Sun!" The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads. "If you landed on the sun, stupid, you'll burn up!!" said the Russian. The Blonde replied, "You're the one who's stupid. We're going at night!!"
DOUBLE TRAGEDY
My blonde secretary came to work one day, crying her eyes out. She had obviously been crying for some time. When I asked what was wrong, she replied, "Oh, it's such a terrible morning! I received a call this morning telling me that my mother has died!" I quickly told her she needn't come to work, to just go home and take care of things. But she replied, "Oh, I need to work, to keep my mind off of this." A couple of hours later, I heard a loud wail, and more sobbing. When I rushed to her desk and asked what was wrong, she replied. "This is the worst day of my life!! I just spoke to my sister, and HER mother died too!!!"
PUZZLE VICTORY
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table. sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
FIVE THINGS
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things ..... 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight-lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
BODY WORK
A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
Her roomate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roomate rolled her eyes and said, "HELL-OOO! You need to roll up the windows first!!!!!"
MYSTERIOUS TREES
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine." The blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was.... "Uh, ma'am, there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. The officer said, cutting her off, "That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
THE THERMOS
A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it! So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "she replied. "Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?" "Two Popsicles and some coffee"
BLONDE GOOD SAMARITAN
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
BLONDE WINNER
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch," But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... ............"WIN A BAGEL "
TIGER PUZZLE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger!!!" Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger!!!" He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ... ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!!!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks whatis going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
THE BLONDE TO END ALL BLONDES
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
GREAT NEWS
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!",
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!
Great Little Quips
Q: Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice bottle?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: Why do blondes have t-g-i-f on their shirts?
A: It means this goes in front.
BLONDES REVENGE
LONG AWAITED BRUNETTE JOKES
Well, the blondes finally got together and got back at
the brunettes. (Yes, I am a brunette, AND PROUD OF IT, though fair is fair after all of the above... so let them have their shot.)
Here's their revenge:
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it!
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
'Has the blonde left yet?'
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
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Between Mars and Venus
THE RULES
The FEMALE always makes The Rules.
The Rulesare subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.
If the FEMALEsuspects the MALE knows all The Rules she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said, wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
The MALE must be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
The MALE who doesn’t abide by the The Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
WORDS WOMEN USE
"FINE"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"NOTHING"
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows!)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"GO AHEAD" (With Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a Raised-Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"LOUD SIGH"
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"SOFT SIGH"
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrows "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.."
"GO AHEAD"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so terrible that we'd rather not write about them.
"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
MATHEMATICAL WISDOM
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SOME FAMILIAR ONE LINERS
"So many men, so few who can afford me."
"God made us sisters; prozac made us friends."
"Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich."
"Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen."
"I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun."
"WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it."
"Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time."
"Do not start with me. You will not win."
"I can be one of those bad things that happen to bad people."
"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
"Women don't get hot flashes; We have POWER SURGES!"
"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."
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Men Jokes
CAJUN ELEVATOR
A Cajun family from the swamps were visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,"Mais, Paw, What's'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Ayieeeee, Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anyting like dat in my hole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is, me." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."
NAME OF THE RESTAURANT
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one
that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Quotes & Sayings
"You will find as you look back on your life, that the moments that stand out are the moments when you have done things for others."
-- Henry Drummond (1851-1897)
SOME ANONYMOUS WISDOM
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
Actions speak louder than words.
The hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Don't let the past hold you back; you're missing the good stuff.
Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
A BEST FRIEND is like a four-leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.
Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.
BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.
When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS.
Friends are FOREVER.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of you life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.
Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you mad sometimes and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!
And send it back to the person who sent it too you if they mean something to you!!
Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.
Don't be angry, BE HAPPY!!!
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Contact Information
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Last Revised: 19 May 2003