Well, some of this is guaranteed to be obscure, but there ya go. It dates from end of 98, when I was days away from that 1st perfect date of the eventually doomed Amy the Groovygirl relationship, & Kits was in college, living with her Winnie the Pooh obsessed roomie & dealing with her entourage of real-life friends & online baggage of pubescent boys & stalking ex-postal workers. Kitty loves Sailor Moon. The > indicates her voice. Figure the rest out yourself.
Subject: I laughed! I cried! I splutted!--Roger Ebert
>WHY am I incapable of NOT SCORCHING the damn popcorn.
(reaches into microwave) Oh, and I suppose this decapitated Frat Boy
head just rolled ITSELF in there?! I've told you to never put metal in
the microwave, but just look at this guy's piercings! Still, even the
tiny scorched unpopped kernels aren't that bad eatin'. (bites one)
EWWW--That was his brain! How was I to know, it wasn't small enough to
be his! Hmm, I seem to have suddenly gained an encyclopedic knowledge
of the dorm locations of keggers & slutty chix. But such knowledge
comes with a price!! (vomits all over self, IQ drops below zero)
I keep wondering why the pasta sticks to the bottom of the non-stick
pan. It just hit me that the non-stick pan was a house-warm-- sorry,
hovel-warming gift, & I trapped myself in this particular refrigerator
box nigh unto 12 years ago... Hmm, maybe the silver-colored part of the
pan's bottom is where the non-stick has worn off? Since nothing sticks
there anymore, hmmmm??? No wonder I don't gain weight. I got me a
Teflon-lined stomach. And a Kevlar heart.
>Microeconomics and Intro to Digital Systems.
Congratulations! You've won the combined course, "Your Friend, Mr or Ms
Pocket Calculator." Sample question: "If Lil Jimmy buys 10 apples at 3
cents apiece, then sells 6 for 5 cents, does he show a net profit?" No
fair using the CE key!
>I sense that I fall into a rut.
"ooowwww!! damn, i fell on my best rut-falling foot!" cried Kitty from
the rut. "and got mud all over my 4th-best fuku!" She glanced at her
watch. It was a Winnie-the-Pooh watch, with several parts strategically
defaced. "aaaahhh it's not even 2AM what will i do ahhhhhhh" she said
with little capitalization or punctuation.
>> Today was supposed to be the 1st big cleaning day before the 1st
>> date.
"La dee dah, cleaning day, oh baby, cleaning da-ay," sang Bill as he
walked through the rut district. "Clea--NING daaaaaaaaay...And I'll be
HIGH...as a KITE--flies-- thEN. Scotty,,, give me-- warp--FIVE!" He
wondered if he'd ever BE ...as GOOD as... WILL--iam SHATner.
>a nice round pile of ick. I should have put it under Pooh's pillow.
perhaps Dustie-Rose the Magic Filth Fairy would have come and taken away
the remaining layers too.
A giant and putrid form slumped out of an alleyway. It held a dumpster
in each hand. As it sweated raw sewage, it growled:
"Yowza."
Bill stopped singing, if that's what you'd call it. "Uhh...Yowza right
on back. Mister...?"
"Dumpstie. Dumpstie de Landfill Ogre. Dustie-Rose has been...busy of
late. She crossed Fat Tony de Municipal Sanitation Boss. He had
sum...fish that needed help wid idsomnia, an Dustie was needed to read
em... bedtime stories. Where ya wannit?"
"Where do I want...? OH GOURD. NO. I don't want--"
"These dumpsters?!" shouted Dumpstie as he held then up. "Where ya
want em? Is that 97 Mercury Tracer good?"
"NO! That's mine! Just, ahhh--over there! Dump it over-- over there,
in that rut!"
Kitty thought, gourd, I wish I hadn't gone to the rut district today.
>> That's OK for the bathroom, though it is kind of a shame that
>> the world's largest mildew blob in captivity had to meet its moldy
>> maker
Kitty sighed in relief as the dumpsters were NOT emptied on her head.
What, you thought this was a UPN sitcom or sumthing? But--beneath the
garbage, a horror stirred--as unspeakable as horrors go, though in our
media-drenched "yah, whatever" culture, "unspeakable" is worth in horror
what a dollar would buy you at Nordstroms, which would be not very much,
I mean, what would you get, like a sock? It'd prly have a hole in it
already. In New Zealand, a Yankee buck is worth like a house. Man, get
yourself a roll of quarters, and you'd be like Bill Gates if you went
there! But then again, all you could buy was kiwi fruit. So there you
are, living in a house made of kiwi fruit, thinking, boy, if I'd just
stayed in that gutter like Kitty did, I'd only have to deal with the
horror a New Zealand dollar could buy, which would be--
>the Invisible Sea Monkeys that live in the drain!!!
SWARMING in their MULTITUDES came the INVISIBLE SEA MONKEYS, SWARMING as
already stated toward KITTY. Kitty opened her mouth wide in horror!
No, wait...that's the bubble3.jpg. Pretty horrible anyway. SWARMING I
hope I'm not overstating the "swarm" aspect here, the INVISIBLE SEA
MONKEYS SWARMED!!
And then DIED like sea monkeys. Verrry quickly.
Kitty said, "That was close--a little TOO close!" She pulled herslef
out the rut, not noticing...behind her, laying in wait..lay a fear
laying there far worse than any mildewed sea monkey swarm--
>Woooo hooooo Pooh
"AAAAHHHH!" screamed Kitty, using ALL CAPS for the 1st time in her life.
"Please--before you eat my brain (more than you already have)--Can I get
you a light for your smoke?"
"UNNNGGH." grunted the mutant Pooh-beast as it held up a Newport.
WHOOOOOOOOOOSSHHHHHH!!! Luckily Kitty had packed her flamethrower! The
howling mass of Pooh flambe staggered away. "I told you smoking was bad
for your health!" Kitty yelled, cause the focus groups at the test
screenings eat that "wise-ass remark as you kill someone" shit all up.
Alarmed by the hub-bub & folderol, Bill ran up. Pointing at Pooh, he
asked:
>Is that supposed to be smoking?
>we have the R, S, and SuperS movies, the Ami-chan no Hatsukoi and
>SuperS Plus specials, Sailormoon R 82-89, and Sailorstars 167-174 at
>our disposal. do you care to be blessed with the whole mess?
Ooooh, yes please please! The messier, the better.
>disclaimer: my copy of the R movie is borderline shitty and I neeeed
>to get a new one because it should be shiny.
COMING SOON! Digitally remastered with extra footage that was too
crappy to be included in the original theater release! JURASSIC PARK
III: THE SPLUT WORLD!
Bill is taking a pee when the water in the bowl begins to get wavey as
THUMP...THUMP...THUMP.. is heard just like in the 1st 2 shitty dinosaur
movies. "Damn that bitch downstairs!" he thinks. After tidying up, he
looks out of the window of his 3rd story condo. "AAAAUUUGHH!" he
screamed, demonstrating his love of ALL CAPS. "NUNZILLA!!"
General Kitty pulled up in her jeep, wearing a helmet & those dumb white
gloves one only sees on cartoon characters & Japanese officers in
Godzilla movies. "Hi! So we are not too late as I had feared we might
be to our peril!" she said, though she could've been reciting the Burger
King menu for as much as her lips matched her words. "The time has come
for us to rid ourselves of the menace of this deadly. Nun that has
inflicted property damage in the millions--"
"Or billions!" interrupted her aide de camp, despite only moving his
lips one syllable.
"Hi! Prepare to send forth in their many numbers of quantity the toy
tanks! Hi!"
>"Damnation and Eternal Hellfire Descend on the Shining Blonde Hair of
the White Moon Princess! Children of the Corn Part Deux."
As Bill ran through the night, stalks of corn crashed against the camera
lens in a really overused POV shot. He crumpled against an unusually
well-lit tree to catch his breath. "Pant pant pant...MAN, those kids
became human- sacrificing lil brats once they murdered their parents! I
wonder if the stress of growing up in a no-parent household causes you
to become horribly evil!"
Suddenly a figure burst from the cornstalks! Bill shrieked like a lil
girly-girl as the form lunged forward and roared: "I'm Jennifer Love
Hewitt from 'Party of Five'! Wanna hear my new CD?"
>> What IS a Pell, anyway?
(constipated-looking guy in black & white footage from the 50s)
"...That's what concerned parents all over modern America are asking.
Could this be a menace to Our Sociey as big as Communism or flouridated
water? What *is* a Pell?"
>...it's a juvenile deliquent obnoxious asshole.
(PELL, dressed in a black pleather jacket, rolls onto the screen on his
Harley Davidson BMX mountain bike)
James Dink in..."REBEL WITHOUT A BRAIN"! On a double bill at this
drive-in with...
>A Pell is also the living Rob's little brother.
"NIGHT OF THE LIVING ROB II: This Time, >I do believe it's genetic"
>You were one of those kids who went through his mother's drawers
Whaaaat?! I'm not from Appalachia!
>ACK. Online alerts SUCK.
>Pookie screams MOON HEALING ESCALATION! and I just scream:
"ONLINE ALERT! ALL SPLUTS TO STATIONS!"
Rushing to their stations went the THUNDERBIRDSPLUTS! Well, they didn't
exactly "rush," being crappy big-head British marionettes, they sort of
dangled to them. "COUNTDOWN!" yelled Commander Kits Tracy.
THUNDERSPLUT ONE! Commander Kits jumps in her Atomic Kilgore Pocket
Rocket! THUNDERSPLUT TWO! Puppet Punkie jumps in her Ion-Drive
Incomprehensimobile! THUNDERSPLUT THREE! Puppet Puddi jumps in bed
with Shitboy! THUNDERSPLUT FOUR! A large number of semi-pubescent
puppet boys jump on a reeeeally big Nuclear Power Wheels Bigfoot,
arguing over who gets to drive to Kitty's house! THUNDERSPLUT FIVE!
Puppet Bill gets stuck in a revolving door! Oh no, his strings are all
tangled!
>I wish I could isolate the mutated gene that makes us this way
>and then get Leah the biochem major to be our Mad Scientist and clone
>MORE of us who would be brought up in the ideal twisting embittering
>environments for optimal production of Splut.
Doctor Leah (PhD, Mad Science, MIT) crept in the darkness of the Secret
Lab underneath UMissouri. She cut a path through the black with her
X-Files Brand flashlight. "Sheep, everywhere!" she thought. "There's
Dolly, & Dolly, & Dolly--oh, another Dolly...It's like some demented
mind is using sheep DNA to clone Humans! But why??" The beam fell on 2
huge tanks. Inside hung suspended shadowy forms, vaguely human forms,
growing haphazardly (an arm here, a head there) but clearly growing into
full young adults...It was then Dr Leah noticed the words stenciled on
the sides of the tanks & grasped the full horror of the evil experiment!
One tank was labelled "Blondes" & the other "Frat Boys"!!
>> >God. I've been talking to Puddi. Does it show?
(Scene: a fog-shrouded city corner, under a streetlight. Secret Agent
Double-Oh Bill glances around for his contact. He spots a
beautiful--well, cute anyway--young woman, sipping Diet Coke through a
bendy straw)
00B: (casually) The crow flies sideways when the wind bites his butt.
KITSPY: The phinger phucks at midnight!
00B: Ewwww, that's gross!!
(the type of gut-wrenching rrrrrumble one only hears in movie theaters
as really annoying THX sound booms through the speakers)
>there are 25,000 Norms just waiting to be massacred, and I'm too
>comatose to do it all myself.
A NIGHTMARE ON GREEK STREET XXVII: DEATH LUGS A LIGHTSABER!
>when I take Punkie to get pierced *cue parental under-breath muttering*
I have to have something done
You'll be LYourAudienceAO when you see Kitty & Punkie as you've never
seen them before!
"Honey, I Pierced The Babyslut!"
>"Blinding Heavy-Metal Total Nuclear Destruction Surprise!" in case we
need any spontaneous nifty special effects. (screw Truman, we live "The
Kittymama Show."
The Number One Film in America!! So popular, it also holds the Number
Three, Six, and Nine spots!!
>>tape deck
>Two words. Duct tape.
I'd need the duct tape to put precise pressure over the exact middle of
the spindles on the "record" deck, which would make for a very dull
movie.
>>Sowing dischord, 1 person at a time.
>
>I begin to think this would be the best made-for-TV movie.
Tonight on Lifetime: "Passion's Burning Innocent Love Betrayed by Bad
Evil: The Amy DeFalco Story (based on a truth-like incident)"
(Kitty reads from the TV section) "An innocent young web designer
struggling with a fatal case of whooping cough thinks she's found the
perfect match in a man she met over the Internet, little knowing his
dark secret." What "dark secret"?
Bill: I'm really a Lesbian.
Kitty: And you sold the rights to your life story for, what?
Bill: Hey, I made em put the "truth-like" disclaimer in there! Man,
you shoulda seen the USA Network version. I was a Lesbian serial killer
& Amy was a lap dancer. And they paid me tons of money! Look at this
briefcase full of cash--HEY!! These are New Zealand dollars!!
>Ooh. For Lime Girls, we will have a Puddi is Dead thing.
>I have plots. no.
>> >SOME ASSHOLE keeps calling at two-thirty in the morning and hanging
up.
brrring. Kitty awakens, & answers.
"H--hello?"
(weird voice) "This is Puuuuuuddiiiiiiii--"
"PUDDI?! But-- you're dead! I saw you die!!"
"Iiiiiiiii knoooooooooooow yooooooou diiiiiiiiiiid--**GASP** MAN, those
long vowels are murder!"
"Who gave you this number, Slutter?" *KLIK*
>[Pooh] was on the phone having some HIDEOUSLY GRAPHIC
>conversation about her sex life with some boy she works with.
TONIGHT on the Playboy Channel! The sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas,"
"Pooh Does the Wal-Mart Kitchenware Department"
>Quote: "He no longer has toes, eyes, or a
>bellybutton, all of which have been replaced with forks."
>Even six months ago this was my life.
>six months from now? ...*sob* no hope no hope no hope.
Tonight on the Family Channel...
A desperate woman cries out, and **ANGELS** come down from **HEAVEN** to
speak to her, and she goes insane at the freakish visitation. See it on
"Touched By An Angel, Lobotmised in the Nut-House."
>Ack. Quote from Punkie now upon learning I write at you: TEll him I
>said to keep the babaganoush in check because its been leaking out of
>kitty';s ears like mad rabbit chop suer thru a sheet with holes burned
it.WHICH IS ALWAYS A GOOD THING, wink wink, nudge nudge.
KIRK: SPOckkk--run THAt thROUGH the uniVERSAAAAAALLL ... transla...
tor. >Interpret THAT as you will. SpOCk.
**KABOOM!!**
SPOCK: It has destroyed the logic circuits, Jim.
KIRK: THIS...must be an-- ODD num-BER-ed Star Trek FILM.
>>Humans. They must die.
YES, it's the heart-warming, feel-good, mass-extinction movie the whole
family's been waiting for!
TWELVE MONKEYS, THE MUSICAL!
Singin' SailorKitty: ">Arsenic. Looks like sugar, has no taste!
>Puddi used to say that a lot.
>Back in the Benadryl days,
>Back in the Benadryl days,
>Back in the Benadryl daaaays!"
>> midlife-crisis flagging-sex-drive pill brochure in the mail.
>what mailing list are you ON?
I think if you live long enough, you get on ALL of them. About 5 years
ago, in 1 week I got:
An invitation to join the Nat'l Organization Of Women. OK, they got the
gender bit wrong, but any woman who's not a feminist is an idiot, so OK.
Then I got an invitation to go to the Singles Dance Night at the
born-again Southern Baptist Church. Care to gauge the ratio of
feminists to idiot door-mats there?? That was followed by an offer to
buy porn videos by mail. Which I could share with my new feminist/
born-again girlfriend, no doubt.
>I could get out of here really quickly if I killed Pooh.
>But I don't think I'd like it any better where they'd take me after
>that.
Roger Corman presents the most controversial film of 1962!
KITTIES BEHIND BARS!!
>if forced to be tattooed, I would go for the crescent moon on the
>forehead thing.
...WITH STRANGE FOREHEAD MARKINGS, THE SEQUEL!!
>> why do the villians just STAND there
[in Sailor Moon cartoons] while the little prancing boys
[such as Tuxedo Mask--Hey, I only know this crap from talking to Kitty]
>> recite their inspirational ca-ca & toss their magic daisies?
"AAAARRRGGHHH!" screamed the hideous green-skinned hellbeast, as it
juggled taxis full of innocnet bystanders that prly got gutted in the
original Japanese series, but get cookies 'n' milk on DiC.
Sailorkitty, fresh from her transformation, faced the vile monster while
checking her makeup in her Hello Kitty compact. Ohhhh god, mascara
spots!! she thought. But it would have to wait! She aimed her Magic
Moon Sparkling Glitter-Washed Flamethrower.
"Listen, you transdimensional gimp! I'm a-fixing me up a little plate
of creeps suzette as we speak! Shake & bake, asswipe! I--"
A little lord-a-leaping pranced into frame. He was wearing a mask, and
a big fancy sombrero with little dangly things hanging off of the brow,
and a tutu. He waved a big foam football-fan hand that said "WE'RE
NUMBER ONE!" with "WE'RE" crossed off & "I'M" written in. He held up a
beautiful flowery head of kohlrabe, and said "Oh, SailorKitty! Don't
forget to care for your friends, because friends are so very very
important! And so is flossing! Play well with others!
Interdimensional wars are not good for Senshi & other living things!
Have you stopped to smell the kohlrabe? Eb-o-ny, and
i-vor-y--AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" HOOOOONNNNNK!! *squish*
SailorArsenicButterfly: "WHOA! That speeding crosstown bus flattened
that poor gimp like a dime! Did you see who was driving it, Kitty?
Kitty?? Funny, she was here a second ago..."
>> >> End of the letter, time for the you-know-what.
>> >
>> >oh goody.
THE END!
(music swells, credits up & out)
NO! It's one of those cliched fake-out horror movie endings...there's
still 15 minutes to go.
>Pooh is psychic.
Now that *is* a horror movie scenario.
(final scene: One of those abandoned factory complexes that every
Action Movie ends in. Bill & Kitty, wearing ripped black t-shirts &
covered with sweat & grime, are slowly moving through the building, big
guns in hand)
Bill: You know, kid--I never told you this, despite us being in a
life-or-death action-packed battle every 5 minutes in this movie, but
you know, kid-- (WINNING SMILE) you're all right!
Kitty: And you got cooties.
(on cue, gunfire erupts!)
Bill: AHH! They shot me in the arm! Fortunately, it's just a flesh
wound!
Kitty. WHAAA??
Bill (ties ragged, bloody piece of cloth around it) I'll be fine! Don't
worry about me, take care of yourself!
Kitty: FLESH wound?? MY arm has bone & muscle! What, your's is only
SKIN?
Bill: Don't question Action Movie cliches!
Kitty: So. You've got this tunnel in your arm that bullets just pass
through? I pulled a leg muscle last week, & it hurt! You get a 45 slug
in your muscle and--
Bill: Let it REST, Kitty!! Let's go smash the evil mastermind behind
this evil cloning operation Dr Leah discovered!
Kitty: Naturalistic way to work the plot points into the dialogue,
dude.
(more gunfire erupts, from guys with targets painted on their chests.
Bill & Kitty slaughter then, exchanging wry banter as they go.
Suddenly, Kitty jumps out of the darkness, fluttering her Splut-wings,
and Bill hesitates to shoot)
Kitty: DUMBASS!! (blasts away) It's not me, it's a clone! (Kitty keeps
blasting the alternate SailorKitty)
Bill: Then why--is the clone not dead?! Just standing there,
fluttering her wings, and--ACK!
Another Kitty, repeatedly waving a
cream horn!
Kitty: These aren't clones--
Bill & Kitty: THEY'RE ANIMATED GIFS!!
A figure appears in the darkness (what, AGAIN?) and cackles madly:
"Roses are Red, The 1st Goth Band was the Cure,
I have no Vocabulary, You're so Immature!"
>ACK. the ex-postal worker!!
Kitty pulls out her lightsaber, and sets her face grimly. "This
time--It's personal!!"
Bill smirks as he locks & loads. "Right behind ya, kid."
Then a whole buncha shit blew up & every one lived happily ever after.
"Excuse me??" asked Kitty with a raised eyebrow.
Bill shrugged. "I coulda ripped that guy to pieces if you'd only given
me something to work with."
>I spend too much time wondering where we'll all be in ten years.
My agent tells me the studio has 6 sequels in the works. I'm not
signing unless I get some time off to do that UPN sitcom I have my heart
so set on.
>> >> >> >>> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> Want some Coke?
Nice product placement!!
>> Next time you're cracking up, make an MP3 of it, & put the link to
>it > in our mail. I wanna hear you squeak.
>you think.
>do we want that with or without me inhaling a Coke and blowing it out
>my nose?
I've got some of the best sound people in the business working on this
project. With proper mike placement at each nostril, we can get it in
stereo!
peaches & opening at 1,142 screens Thanksgiving weekend,
Bill Willis Gibson Pitt Cage DiCaprio Splut
