It's
crazy the things you do when you don't get a phone call or see a person.
We'd decided to take a week off after New York and it'd only been three
days since we got back and since I'd walked out of Lance's house and he hadn't
called or come over.
I
was tearing my hair out sitting by the phone all day long.
My body and my heart ached for him insanely bad, but I knew he needed
space, so I had to sit back and wait on him.
Suddenly
the phone rang, making my heart jump a mile.
"Hello?"
I fumbled stupidly for the phone.
"You
okay C?" Justin asked.
I
sighed in disappointment that it wasn't Lance.
"Yeah...just
things aren't going well," I rubbed my face with my hands.
"Uh
oh, trouble in paradise?" he asked.
"Yeah,
we kinda got into a fight, and I left and he hasn't called," I sighed.
"What
did you get into a fight about?"
"Because
he's so scared to tell everyone that I think he'd rather be unhappy the rest of
his life just to please others. And
it just makes me wonder if he really wants to be with me," my voice was
pained.
"Man
JC...look, I know that Lance wants to be with you.
When he puts his heart into something, it's forever. I
think how he feels for you just really scares the shit out of him. I think he loves you enough to say forever and he wants
everyone else to be as happy as he is about being in love with you, but truth
is, not everyone will be," Justin replied.
"I'm
scared he's going to walk out on me because he's so afraid, Jup," I
confessed.
"JC,
if there's one thing I know, it's that he loves you, so all that's left is time.
You need to give him time."
"That's
fine and all accept I hate being away from him, it really hurts," I huffed.
"Time
JC, believe me, he'll come to you," Justin replied.
"So,
what's up anyways," I changed the subject as tears glossed my eyes.
"Club
Tabu, you know, the one Dorough owns, anyways, he's asked that two of us come by
and jam for tonight's anniversary party. I
guess it's all VIP and family. Anyways,
Joey's with Brianna and Chris is in L.A., so that leaves you or Lance, but Lance
isn't answering his cell. So you
wanna? It'll be fun," his
voice was pleading.
"I
dunno Jup..."
"PLLLLLEEEEAASSSSEEEEEE,"
he whined.
I
sighed.
"Gosh,
you’re friggin' baby," I huffed.
"Please
Josh!"
"Okay,
okay fine. I'll be by at eight to get you," I huffed.
"Great,
see you then," Justin happily hung up the phone.
"What
a dork," I laughed and headed for the shower.
At
The Same Time
"Yeah,
tonight Lance, please."
"Fine,
but just to see your set Jup, I'm not staying for the whole thing," Lance
sighed.
"Just
MY set is fine," he smirked, "I'll see you there, I go on at
ten."
That
Night
Justin
and I picked out a set list of six songs which included an acoustic version of
one if our songs, songs by Brian McKnight, Babyface and Boyz II Men.
We'd also do an Elvis song and throw in a little Jerry Lee Lewis for fun.
We
spent some time in a private lounge warming up our vocal chords and talking with
Howie.
"I'm
going to use the restroom before we go on, excuse me," I got up and left
them to talk.
"So,
you saw Lance come in?" Justin
asked Howie.
"Yeah,
he's at the bar, why don't you want JC to know?" He asked curiously.
"Uh,
he and JC aren't talking, so, I wanted them to be forced to see each
other," Justin replied.
"Oh,
uh okay," Howie shrugged.
"Thanks
dude," Justin and he slapped hands and stood up.
"No
problem, thanks for coming on such short notice."
"No
prob, we'll see you out there," Justin looked at me as I entered the room,
Howie leaving.
"Ready?"
Justin looked at me with a cheesy grin.
"You're
weird," I laughed, "let's go."
At
The Same Time
Howie
approached Lance.
"Hey
Bass, Justin's about ready to go on..."
"Alright,
thanks," Lance grabbed his drink and Trin's hand and led them to the front.
Justin
took stage before me...he loved talking more than I did.
"Hey
everyone," Justin waved.
The
small crowd cheered and Lance smiled at him from a seat in front.
"Howie
asked me to come perform tonight and I figured it would be fun and all, but, I
thought vocally it would be more exciting if I invited a friend of mine to jam
with me."
Everyone
looked around oddly, including Lance and Trin.
"I
THINK y'all might know him, JC Chasez," everyone cheered as I walked out
and sat next to Justin.
Lance's
mouth gaped as Trin smiled gleefully.
"What
a cool surprise, did you know honey?" she looked at him curiously.
He
just shook his head slowly.
I
looked over the crowd, waving to some people I knew.
It was then I looked down in front of me.
We must of shared the same look of shock as our eyes locked.
Seconds later we both glared at Justin who smiled.
"Alright,
well we've put together a few songs, so I hope yah like them," Justin cued
the band before my eyes burned holes through his head.
I
looked over at Lance and Trin, her hand on his leg.
It made my heart hurt because I knew that no one in this world loves him
more than I do...and she's there and I'm up here.
The
music began and I looked down at him. "This
song goes out to a special person."
The
music cued and I began to sing, Lance instantly freezing as he recognized the
song.
"Now
I toss and turn cause I'm without you, how I'm missing you so bad...where was my
head, where was my heart, now I cry alone in the dark..."
I looked away from him momentarily so no one knew I was singing to him.
Justin
joined in, looking back and forth from Lance to me.
"I
lye awake, I drive myself crazy thinking of you...I drive myself crazy wanting
you the way that I do..."
My
voice over powered Justin's at points and I had to draw back at times to make
the harmonies even.
"And
now I'm left with all this pain, I've only got myself to blame..."
Lance
looked up at me, tears blurring his usual bright eyes.
"I
lye awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy, thinking of you, made a
mistake when I let you go baby, I drive myself crazy wanting you the way that I
do."
"Let's
go," Lance looked at Trin.
"But,
Lance...why?" she asked as he pulled her out of the club.
I
watched them leave and I wanted to just run after him with everything I had, but
I couldn't.
Later
“You’re
an ass hole!” I screamed as we headed into the lounge after our set.
He
just smiled wickedly.
“Yeah,
but you love me,” Justin shrugged.
“God,
what am I gonna do?” I whined.
“You
guys need to talk and then you need to tell Joey and Chris,” he put his hand
on my shoulder. “Take it one step
at a time, Josh.”
“The
question is Justin, which step do I take next?”
That
Night
I
was tossing and turning…my body aching for his, my dreams filled with
nightmares of losing him.
Finally,
I decided to grab my cell phone and call.
The
phone rang on the other end and I knew he wouldn’t answer.
I should of blocked my caller ID.
When
the voicemail picked up, I did all I knew how to do…
“I
lye awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy, thinking of you…made a
mistake when I let you go baby, I drive myself crazy, wanting you the way that I
do…”
I
took a breath before softly replying, “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I
can’t breathe without you Taz, please call me…please talk to me…”
And
I hung up.
Tears
brimmed my eyes and a huge lump the size of a meteor was stuck in my throat.
I couldn’t even remember why we were really fighting anymore…I mean
it was all so stupid…all I wanted him to do was be honest with himself and the
people we love. I just sometimes
feel like giving up, like thinking the world would be able to accept us is a
huge lie.
I
laid down in my bed and drifted off into a troubled and twisted sleep.