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SERIES THREE EPISODE TWO - CHIRPY BIRPY CHEAP SHEEP
CAST
Father Ted Crilly: Dermot Morgan
Father Dougal Maguire: Ardal O' Hanlon
Father Jack Hackett: Frank Kelly
Mrs. Doyle: Pauline Mc Glynn
Fargo Boyle: Peadar Lamb
Giant Reid: Peter Dineen
Hud Hastings: Pat McGrath
John: Patrick Drury
Mary: Rynagh O' Grady
Judge: Eamon Rohan
Chris the sheep: Priscilla
EPISODE STARTS AT THE KING OF THE SHEEP '98 COMPETITON
HUD HASTINGS: Hello Fargo.
FARGO: Ah Hud, Giant, hello.
HUD HASTINGS: You have Chris looking great for the competition.
FARGO: Thanks lads. Ah Father Crilly. Hello there.
TED: Fargo. How's the champ?
FARGO: Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father?
TED: I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win.
FARGO: An' if he doesn't win, what does that mean Father?
TED: Well we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing. Come on, it's Chris. He's the champ. Talk about a safe bet!
HUD HASTINGS: Giant, have you heard about this creature going around terrorising sheep on the island?
GIANT REID: No. Tell me more.
HUD HASTINGS: They say it's as big as a jaguar.
GIANT REID: The car?
HUD HASTINGS: No. The big cat thing. And it's face is all teeth. Big white teeth as sharp as knives.
GIANT REID: Has it killed yet?
HUD HASTINGS: No, but it's only a matter of time.
GIANT REID: Hope it doesn't get any of my sheep.
HUD HASTINGS: No man's sheep is safe.
GIANT REID: Oh dear!
HUD HASTINGS: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
GIANT REID: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!
HUD HASTINGS: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
GIANT REID: Oooohhhhooohhhh!
HUD HASTINGS: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!
GIANT REID: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
HUD HASTINGS: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
GIANT REID: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
HUD HASTINGS: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
GIANT REID: Oooohhhhhhhhhh!
NIGHT FALLS AND CHRIS IS ALONE
CHRIS' THOUGHTS: Has it killed yet? No but it's only a matter of time. Big white teeth as sharp as knives. Oooohhhhhhhhhh!(then the beast howls)
TED IS READING A NEWSPAPER ON THE SOFA OF THE PAROCHIAL HOUSE. IN THE BACKGROUND IS THE SOUND OF BIRDS SINGING. DOUGAL IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING THE BACK OF A BBC SOUND EFFECTS VOLUME FOUR RECORD SLEEVE. DOUGAL GETS UP TO CHANGE THE SOUND. THE BIRDS STOP SINGING. TED TURNS THE NEWSPAPER PAGE AND DRUMS SOUND. TED COUGHS AND THE SOUND EFFECT CHANGES TO GUNFIRE.
TED: Dougal, give the album a rest now
DOUGAL: Ah come on Ted it's brilliant. I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.
TED: you know, from what I hear in the charts today I'm not sure if that's not happening already.
DOUGAL: What? This is so good though Ted isn't it? They've got all kinds of things. As if by magic I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.(Dougal plays a sound of a train) Or take you on a trip into darkest Africa.(Dougal plays a sound of a toilet flushing) Or bring you into a spooky castle on a stormy night.
THE TELEPHONE RINGS
DOUGAL: Oooooohhhhhh! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!
TEDANSWERS THE PHONE
TED: Hello. Craggy Island parochial house, Father Ted Crilly speaking.
FARGO: F-f-f-f-f-father.
TED: Fargo?
FARGO: F-f-f-f-f-father. Can you come over here quick?
TED: Certainly Fargo, what seems to be the em...
FARGO HANGS UP
TED: I have to go out Dougal. There's something up with Fargo Boyle.
MRS. DOYLE ENTERS.
TED: Mrs. Doyle, are you alright? You look terrible doesn't she Dougal.
DOUGAL: Awful Ted!
MRS. DOYLE: I didn't get much sleep Father. I kept thinking I heard this terrible howling noise.
DOUGAL: Oh that'd be the beast.
TED: What's this now?
MRS. DOYLE: There's something terrible on the moors Father.
DOUGAL PLAYS AN EERIE SOUND EFFECT
TED: Moors? We don't have any moors.
MRS. DOYLE: Well then there's something terrible roaming around the place where normally there would be moors Father. They think it might be a kind of giant fox.
DOUGAL PLAYS A LIGHTENING SOUND EFFECT.
TED: DOUGAL!
DOUGAL: Sorry. Ted, it couldn't be Jack could it? You can see how someone might mistake him for a big mad cat.
TED: Don't forget Dougal during leap years Father Jack is very much affected by the changing of the seasons. For a short while a marvellous serenity enters his life and he is at one with nature.
A MUSICAL CLIP FOLLOWS SHOWING A CLEAN FATHER JACK DANCING THROUGH MEADOWS, GIVING A LOLLIPOP TO A YOUNG GIRL, LYING ON THE GRASS WITH SMALL PUPPIES AND BALLET DANCING.
TED: He's great when he's in the mood. If only it lasted a bit longer!
FATHER JACK IS SITTING IN HIS ARMCHAIR. THE CARDIGAN HE WORE IS NOW DIRTY. HE VOMITS OVER THE SIDE OF HIS CHAIR AND WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH ONE OF THE PUPPIES.
MRS. DOYLE: I'd better go and make some tea.
MRS. DOYLE'S FEET MAKE LOUD SQUELCHING NOISES AS SHE LEAVES FOR THE KITCHEN.
TED: Dougal, I told you to turn off that record.
DOUGAL: But, it is off.
TED THEN GOES TO FARGO BOYLES HOUSE.
TED: What do you mean Chris isn't in the competition? He's the champ. You have to enter him.
FARGO: All this talk off the beast has got to him. His nerves are shot. I took a photo of him this morning.
TED: Nerves? I mean Fargo it's a sheep!
FARGO: He always had a very artistic temperment Father.
TED: Yeah but I mean he's not a concert pianist, he's a sheep. You know I don't see how...
FARGO PUTS A PHOTO OF CHRIS ON THE TABLE AND TED LOOKS AT IT.
TED: Oh my God.
FARGO: I mean when you compare it with what he looked like last year.
FARGO PLACES ANOTHER PHOTO ON THE TABLE WHICH IS NEARLY IDENTICAL TO THE FIRST ONE.
TED: It's like two completely different sheep.
FARGO: He's off his food. He's not sleeping. And he's started to burp.(Fargo starts to cry) What am I going to do?
TED: Fargo pull yourself together. Chris needs you now more than he ever needed you. Come on, I want to see him.
FARGO: (in a shrill voice)He doesn't want to see anybody Father.
TED: Fargo that's an order. Take me to see Chris - the unhappy sheep.
NIGHT TIME FALLS AND TED IS TALKING TO DOUGAL IN BED.
TED: God Dougal you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep.
DOUGAL: I'm not surprised Ted. If I was a sheep I'd be watchin' my back right now.
TED: Why?
DOUGAL: Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better and you know what Ted, it lights up at night, and it's got four ears. Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears, and it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps and Mrs. Doyle was tellin' me that it's got magnets on it's tail so as if you're made out of metal it can attatch itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses.
TED: DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist.
DOUGAL: Right Ted. The way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.
TED: The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist! Look I'm not going to get into this what does exist and what doesn't exist debate again okay but I'm going to have to insist you add those last two examples to the chart.
DOUGAL: But Ted!
TED: Dougal!
DOUGAL OPENS A LARGE ROLL-DOWN CHART FROM THE WALL BESIDE HIS BED. THE CHART READS,
"THEY DON'T EXIST
LOCH NESS MONSTER
FRANKENSTEIN
MAGNUM PI
NON-CATHOLIC GODS
DARTH VADER"
DOUGAL STARTS WRITING THE LAST EXAMPLES
TED: No I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris becoming King of the Sheep.
DOUGAL: You don't think he'll win then?
TED: No burping sheep has ever won it.
DOUGAL: What about Big Brendan in 1983
TED: Fluke! Anyway it's just the heating budget. Look what the Weather News says.
TED HOLDS UP A PAPER SAYING "WARM WINTER AHEAD"
DOUGAL: Ted that's last year's Weather News. This is this years.
DOUGAL HOLDS UP A NEAR-IDENTICAL PAPER WITH THE HEADLINE "COLD WINTER AHEAD".
TED: Oh no. Look I'll have to go and see if John and Mary will let me take my money back tomorrow.
DOUGAL: I might go down with you. See if they've got another sound effects album - volume five.
TED: Fair enough. Goodnight then Dougal.
TED TURNS OFF THE LIGHT. A HOWLING NOISE IS HEARD. TED TURNS THE LIGHT BACK ON AND DOUGAL IS IN TED'S BED.
TED AND DOUGAL WALK TO THE SHOP THE NEXT MORNING.
DOUGAL: (while walking)And some of his ears are on the inside of his head and when he yawns it sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens around inside a barrel.
FARGO BOYLE WALKS OUT OF THE SHOP WEARING A LARGE OVERCOAT WITH A YELLOW CORNER STICKING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH.
TED: Hello Fargo.
FARGO GIVES A HALF-WAVE AND WALKS ON.
DOUGAL: And he doesn't have any eyebrows at all, except on Saturdays
INSIDE THE SHOP JOHN AND MARY ARE FIGHTING AS USUAL. JOHN LOCKS MARY INSIDE A LARGE CUPBOARD.
MARY: Aaaahhhhhh. Ooohhh.
JOHN: And you can stay in there until you learn some feckin' manners
MARY: Let me out you bastard!
JOHN: And I've thrown away the key. How do you like that?
DOUGAL AND TED ENTER. BY NOW MARY IS BANGING VERY LOUDLY ON THE CUPBOARD.
TED: Hello John.
JOHN: (very loudly)Hello Father Crilly. Hello Father Maguire.
MARY SUDDENLY STOPS BANGING ON THE CUPBOARD.
TED: Where's e.., where's Mary?
JOHN: Oh oh, she's away at her mother's.
MARY: NO!
TED: Is there em.., is there someone in the cupboard?
MARY: Hello Fathers.
TED: Mary?
JOHN: Ah Mary. I forgot you were there. I thought you were at your mother's.
MARY: No I didn't go to me mother's after all. I'm in the cupboard.
TED: Mary what are you doing in there?
JOHN: Oh I know. It's because of this beast of Craggy Island thing. I thought that Mary would be safer in the cupboard.
MARY: That's right. I'm better off here. What can I do you for Father?
TED: A pack of twenty Carrolls.
MARY: Certainly Father.
JOHN: I'll get them love. You stay in the cupboard.
TED: John can I have a word?
JOHN AND TED EXIT TO THE LEFT.
MARY: Is Father Maguire there?
DOUGAL: I am. Hello Mary.
MARY: Lovely day isn't it Father?
DOUGAL: (while stealing two lollipops)Oh yes.
MARY: You're looking great anyway.
DOUGAL WALKS AWAY FROM THE CUPBOARD WITH HIS PUZZLED 'DOUGAL' FACE OVER TO THE RECORDS.
JOHN: I'm sorry Father, a bet's a bet.
TED: It's just that if the girl doesn't have the operation she won't be able to fetch water for her village.
JOHN: I am sorry Father. It's a pity you didn't wait though the odds have lengthened to twenty to one on account of Chris' nervous troubles. Anyway, your cigarettes.
TED: Thanks
DOUGAL: Ted they don't have the sound effects album. We might as well just go.
MARY: Bye Fathers.
TED: Bye.
DOUGAL: Bye.
TED AND DOUGAL LEAVE.
MARY: Well I hope you're satisfied.
JOHN: Ah shut up.
MARY'S HAND CRASHES THROUGH THE CUPBOARD DOOR AND PUNCHES JOHN. TED AND DOUGAL START TO WALK HOME.
TED: And look. There's Giant Reid
GIANT REID IS ON A BICYCLE AND WEARING A FUR COAT.
TED: Hello Giant.
GIANT REID EXITS COVERING HIS FACE. TED AND DOUGAL ARRIVE BACK AT THE PAROCHIAL HOUSE.
DOUGAL: What are you thinking about there Ted? You should see the big serious look on your face.
TED: I can't see Chris winning this competition Dougal.
DOUGAL: Ted it's pointless even thinkin' about it. You're only wastin' your time. There's nothin' we can do about the situation. We just have to accept the fact and that's that.
TED: How about we bring Chris over here for a while. Maybe the change will do him good.
DOUGAL: Oh wow! Brilliant! I knew there was something we could do. Didn't I say it. Didn't I say it to you there just a second ago?
TED: No you didn't. You said the exact opposite. There was absolutely nothing we could do.
DOUGAL: Actually Ted you've done this to me before so I took the liberty of taping the conversation. Now we'll just have a listen.
DOUGAL'S DICTOPHONE: Ted it's pointless even thinkin' about it. You're only wastin' your time. There's nothin' we can do about the situation. We just have to accept the fact and that's that.
DOUGAL: I stand corrected.
FARGO ARRIVES WITH CHIS LATER.
TED: Ah! Ah there he is now anyway
CHRIS BURPS.
FARGO: I'm still not sure about this now Father.
TED: Don't worry Fargo. By the next time you see him he'll be a new sheep, if not we'll make him into a jumper and a few chops! I'm terribly sorry that was just tasteless, I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
FARGO: I'll be off then.
TED: Okay so. And seriously, if there's one place he can be sure of peace and quiet...
FATHER JACK COMES TUMBLING DOWN THE STAIRCASE SHOUTING LOUDLY AND BREAKING BANISTER RAILS, POTERY AND FURNITURE. HE GETS UP, DUSTS HIMSELF OFF AND WALKS INTO THE FRONT ROOM.
TED: I think it would be an insult to you if I finished that sentance.
THE SCENE CUTS TO THE NEXT MORNING.
MRS. DOYLE: You're up early Father.
TED: Yes. We're off to try and get Chris into shape for the competition.
MRS. DOYLE: Do you think would our new guest like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow.
TED: I don't think they drink tea Mrs. Doyle. Not unless you have some special sheep tea. (laughs)
MRS. DOYLE: Yes.
TED: What?
MRS. DOYLE: I do have some sheep tea in the kitchen.
TED: Right well em.. Give him some of that then.
MRS. DOYLE: Okay so.
MRS. DOYLE WALKS SMUGLY INTO THE KITCHEN AS FATHER DOUGAL WALKS IN FROM THE HALL.
DOUGAL: God Ted it's nearly midday, did we have to get up this early?
TED: Has to be done Dougal. We've got to get Chris from looking like this...
TED PUTS THE FIRST PHOTOGRAPH OF CHRIS FROM BEFORE ON THE TABLE.
TED: ..to looking like this.
TED PUTS THE SECOND PHOTOGRAPH OF CHRIS FROM BEFORE ON THE TABLE WHICH IS VIRTUALLY IDENTICAL TO THE FIRST.
A SHORT CLIP FOLLOWS IN WHICH THE MUSIC, "SEARCH FOR THE HERO INSIDE YOURSELF" PLAYS. THE CLIP SHOWS:
TED AND DOUGAL STANDING ON A RIVER BANK AS CHRIS FLOATS ALONG ON A BOAT.
CHRIS WEARING HEADPHONES LISTENING TO AMBIENT SOUNDS.
CHRIS FLOATING IN "LONESOME FLOAT, CRAGGY ISLAND'S PREMIERE ISOLATION TANK CENTRE".
THE CLIPS ARE INTERLUDED WITH POLAROIDS OF CHRIS LABELED DAY 1, DAY 3, ETC. BEING PUT ONTO THE TABLE.
AT THE END OF THE CLIP FARGO COMES TO SEE HOW CHRIS IS.
FARGO: Ah hello Father did ye... is he...?
TED: I'm sorry. We tried everything.
FARGO: Ah well. I suppose I-I-I-I'd better take him home.
FARGO ENTERS THE FRONT ROOM WHERE DOUGAL HAS CHRIS.
DOUGAL: Aha!
FARGO: HA!
TED: AHA! Gotcha!
FARGO: What did ye' do? What did ye do?
TED: Just did my best.
FARGO: Oh I dunno what to say. Father can I buy you a drink to celebrate?
TED: Oh alright now Dougal you mind Chris till we get back and don't let him wander off, keep an eye on him and keep that front door closed.
DOUGAL: Okay Ted.
TED AND FARGO GO TO THE PUB AND SIT AT THE BAR TALKING.
FARGO: (drunkly) He's the best feckin' sheep ever. His little sheep face! Ye' have to say, grace is the omen. He only cost would ye' three pounds twenty three. There's some clause where I'll have to pay more if his image is ever used on stamps. But still it's a great bargain for such a happy sheep.
FATHER TED LOOKS AWAY BOREDLY AND SEES HUD HASTINGS SITTING IN THE CORNER WITH TWO WOMEN.
TED: Is that Hud Hastings?
FARGO: Ya.
TED: Is he wearing a crown?
FARGO NODS AND THEN TED DECIDES TO GO HOME.
TED: (while Fargo is laughing and staggering in a drunken stumour) Yes, very good yes, yes very good yes goodbye.
TED WALKS INTO THE PAROCHIAL HOUSE AND NOTICES THAT THE FRONT DOOR HAS BEEN LEFT OPEN. HE ENTERS THE FRONT ROOM.
TED: Dougal I notice that the front door is wide open.
DOUGAL: Oh it is yes Ted.
TED: And I see that we are currently sheepless.
DOUGAL: Oh. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
TED: Dougal I told you to keep the front door closed.
DOUGAL: Ah now just hold it there Ted
DOUGAL PLAYS BACK THE CONVERSATION FROM EARLIER BACK ON HIS DICTOPHONE BUT IS INTERRUPTED BY A HOWL.
TED: What's that?
DOUGAL: THE BEAST!
TED: Come on.
THEY RUSH OUTSIDE TO FIND THE SOURCE OF THE NOISE.
DOUGAL: How'll we know which way to go?
TED: Sheep like all wool-bearing animals instinctively travel north where it's colder and it won't be so stuffy. So we have to go north.
DOUGAL: Which way's north?
TED: (after a long pause)I-I don't know.
ANOTHER HOWLING IS HEARD AND TED AND DOUGAL DASH OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
TED: Quick! It seems to be coming from all around us. The Su Indians in the Arizona Desert used to be able to pinpoint the exact location of buffalo by gauging the position of the moon and putting their ears to the ground.
TED PUTS ONE SIDE OF HIS HEAD TO THE GROUND.
DOUGAL: Actually Ted, maybe the sound is comin' from that stereo.
DOUGAL SHINES A TORCH UP TO SHOW A LARGE HI-FI CRUDELY TIED ON TO A TREE. TED LIFTS HIS HEAD AND HALF OF HIS FACE IS COVERED WITH MUD. THEN THE HOWLING ENDS AND THEIR IS A LOUD BURP.
DOUGAL: Ted it's Chris.
TED: Is he alright?
DOUGAL: He's fine. He must have realised it was just a big stereo hangin' from a tree!
TED: Let's bring him home Dougal. I think I'm beginning to figure out what's going on.
AT THE KING OF THE SHEEP AWARDS CEREMONY THE JUDGE STANDS UP AND QUIETENS THE AUDIENCE.
JUDGE: Well, it's been an easy decision. There's one out-and-out winner and rather than waste time with a speech I'll get on with the job of announcing the winner who today has come first in this competition to see who the winner is in the King of the Sheep competition that we have all come to today wondering who indeed will it be who wins the prize of King of the Sheep. The winner of this year's King of the Sheep competition is....
TED RUNS IN TO THE MARQUEE.
TED: (shouting)STOP!
THE CROWD ALL START TALKING.
JUDGE: What is the meaning of this?
TED: This competition is a sham and a fraud and a sh-sham.
THE CROWD ALL TALK AGAIN.
JUDGE: How dare you!
TED: There's been a deliberate and scurrilous attempt to sabotage this high profile sheep competition and those responsible are in this very room.
TED TURNS AROUND AND POINTS.
TED: Giant Reid and Hud Hastings.
THE CROWD ALL START TALKING.
MAN IN CROWD: Fuckin' hell
HUD HASTINGS: You'd better have somethin' to back that up with Father.
TED: Oh I do, I do. You were the ones who constantly chatted of the so-called beast of Craggy Island, always within hearing distance of Chris the sheep.
A FLASHBACK SHOWS HUD AND GIANT HOLDING A PLACARD INFRONT OF CHRIS WHICH READS, "BEAST KILL CHRIS?"
TED: And it was you who used a copy of BBC sound effects volume five to add weight to those fanciful claims. An impressionable sheep could not help but be convinced by the late night howlings of terrible monster type A.
JUDGE: Is this true? Well, well, well. What a pretty picture Father Crilly has painted. How dare you bring shame on this celebration of sheep.
TED: Don't be too hard on them... Sorry I don't know your name.
JUDGE: Alan.
TED: Don't be too hard on them Alan. They were simply pawns. The real villain in this piece has yet to be revealed. FARGO BOYLE.
FARGO: What?
THE CROWD TALKS AGAIN.
MAN IN CROWD: Fuckin' hell.
FARGO: That's nonsense. I'll just go now and take my trophy.
TED: It was you who was disappointed at the poor odds Chris was receiving, YOU who planned to manipulate those odds by sabotaging your own sheep, and then staging a miraculous recovery on the day of the competition. You who paid Giant and Hud to talk about the beast infront of Chris.
A FLASHBACK SHOWS FARGO GIVING A HANDFULL OF CASH TO HUD AND GIANT.
TED: You didn't count on the vanity of your accomplices who used their new-found wealth to buy a fur coat.
A FLASHBACK SHOWS GIANT WEARING A FUR COAT.
TED: And a crown.
A FLASHBACK SHOWS HUD WEARING A CROWN.
TED: And it was you who bought the BBC sound effects record just before Father Dougal had a chance to.
A FLASHBACK SHOWS FARGO WITH A SOUND EFFECTS RECORD.
TED: YOU who gave the sheep to me knowing that as a priest with an intuitive understanding of sheep I could nurse him back to health.
A FLASHBACK SHOWS TED AND DOUGAL WITH CHRIS.
TED: You, you, you, YOU!
FARGO: Chris, Chris. It's not true, it's not true! NO NO NO, don't look at me, don't look at me!(Fargo cries)
JUDGE: Should I call the police Father?
TED: No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily with sheep. If you'll excuse me, there's a bit of a stench in here and I need some fresh air.
TED AND DOUGAL WALK AWAY INTO THE SUNSET.
DOUGAL: One thing Ted, if Chris has been disqualified doesn't that mean that you've lost the heating allowance money on the bet?
TED STOPS WALKING BUT DOUGAL CONTINUES. TED STARTS STOMPING THE GROUND AND COVERING HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS. NEXT WE SEE TED AND DOUGAL IN LARGE CARDBOARD BOXES WEARING WOOLY HATS AND LOTS OF CLOTHING.
TED: I know it's a radical step Dougal but it is very, very cold.
DOUGAL: See you in three months then Ted.
TED AND DOUGAL START TO HIBERNATE IN THE BOXES WHILE MRS. DOYLE PREPARES THEM WITH HOT WATER BOTTLES, ETC. THE MUSIC STARTS.
TED: (after the theme music) Actually, better go to the toilet first!
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