Father Ted script series 3 episode 1


	SERIES THREE EPISODE ONE - ARE YOU RIGHT THERE FATHER TED? CAST Father Ted Crilly: Dermot Morgan Father Dougal Maguire: Ardal O' Hanlon Father Jack Hackett: Frank Kelly Mrs. Doyle: Pauline Mc Glynn Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: Patrick Kavanagh Old Nazi: Vernon Dobtcheff Mr. Yin: Ozzie Yue Son Yin: Peter Sakon-Lee Colm: Eamon Rohan Mrs. Carberry: Ann Callanan Older Dublin Priest: Des Keogh Younger Dublin Priest: Simon Nelson Parish Accountant: Denis Guilligan Delivery Man: Frank Keane Man in Audience: Royan Lee EPISODE STARTS WITH AN OUTSIDE SHOT OF A BUILDING AND THE WORDS, "CASTLELAWN PAROCHIAL HOUSE, DUBLIN" DISPLAYED ON SCREEN. CAMERA THEN GOES TO INSIDE THE HOUSE WHERE FATHER TED IS WRITING AT A TABLE. TWO OTHER MEN ARE IN THE ROOM. TED: What about Tuesday? Can you do the eleven o' clock mass? OLDER PRIEST: Ted, I'll do the eleven and the twelve. You should have a rest after that weekend away. TED: Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me. YOUNGER PRIEST ENTERS DRESSED IN TENNIS CLOTHES YOUNGER PRIEST: I'm off for a game. Ted, care to join me? TED: No thanks Darren. What time are we going to Curragh for the races? YOUNGER PRIEST: I suppose after lunch. Oh, Mrs. Dunn hopes you like pheasant! TED: I love pheasant. YOUNGER PRIEST LEAVES ROOM TED: This is what it's all about, a fine port, beautiful surroundings and intelligent company! OLDER PRIEST: Did you not have all that at your last parish? TED: (bitterly) No. OLDER PRIEST: Dublin seems to suit you though, you've got a new-found gleam in your eye. TED: Ah yes! I shall be staying here for a good while. As long as I don't mess it up for myself by doing something stupid. PARISH ACCOUNTANT: Most of these accountants seem in order Father Smith. But I wonder could I ask Father Crilly about one or two of these things that he's put down under expenses. CAMERA GOES TO THE FRONT DOOR OF THE CRAGGY ISLAND PAROCHIAL HOUSE WHICH FATHER DOUGAL MAGUIRE OPENS DOUGAL: TED! CAMERA PULLS BACK TO SHOW FATHER TED CRILLY STANDING IN THE RAIN WITH LUGGAGE. MUSIC PLAYS. TED IS SITTING AT THE TABLE IN THE FRONT ROOM OF THE CRAGGY ISLAND PAROCHIAL HOUSE. HE HAS HIS ARMS FOLDED AND A FRUSTRATED LOOK ON HIS FACE. DOUGAL IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM WITH A HAMSTER CAGE. TED: What is making that incredibly annoying noise? DOUGAL: Oh that's Ronaldo. I was a bit lonely without you Ted so I got a hamster instead. TED: Yes, can I ask though, does he ever stop running in that feckin wheel? DOUGAL: No. He's had to use the wheel ever since he rode this into his feed tray. (Dougal holds up a miniature bicycle)But don't worry Ted, I think there's just something wrong with the brakes. FATHER JACK GETS OUT OF A LARGE WOODEN BOX, TAKES A PACKET OF CIGARETTES FROM THE TABLE AND RETURNS TO THE BOX. TED: How long has Father Jack been living in there? DOUGAL: He started just a few days after you left. TED: Maybe he's agrophobic. DOUGAL: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted. TED GETS UP AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW. MRS. DOYLE FALLS PAST THE WINDOW SCREAMING. TED: Mrs. Doyle just fell off the roof. I think I'll go out Dougal and visit Father Fitzpatrick. I think he has a book belonging to me. THE NEXT SCENE SHOWS FATHER TED AND FATHER FITZPATRICK INFRONT OF A BOOKCASE AT FATHER FITZPATRICK'S PAROCHIAL HOUSE. FATHER FITZPATRICK IS LOOKING THROUGH THE BOOKS. FATHER FITZPATRICK: Let's see now, Humanae Vitae, you know sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come. Celebration of the Christian Mysteries, Daeus Canida, Benthro Mepilo, ah; Stephen King's The Shining. TED: Well, thanks for the tea Father. See you the next time we emm.. we emm.. Sorry about this Father, I hope you don't mind me asking but em, what have you got a padlock on that door for? Is there something top secret in there? FATHER FITZPATRICK: My collection. TED: Oh yes, that's right, what is this you collect, it's war memorabelia. FATHER FITZPATRICK: That's right, would you like to have a look? TED: Oh I'd love to. FATHER FITZPATRICK AND FATHER TED ENTER THE PADLOCKED ROOM AND START LOOKING AT A DISPLAY. FATHER FITZPATRICK: Taken from the German advance on Russia, you can see where the hammer hits the shell casing. TED: Gosh, that's very interesting. FATHER FITZPATRICK: These are helmets, mostly infantry. TED: Yes, these would be German aswell wouldn't they? FATHER FITZPATRICK: That's right. TED: You don't have anything from the allied side? FATHER FITZPATRICK: No, no. That sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all I'm afraid. THE CAMERA SWITCHES POSITIONS AND THE REST OF THE ROOM IS NOW SHOWN. THE ROOM IS DECORATED WITH NAZI BANNERS, PICTURES OF HITLER, AND LIT CANDLES. AN OLD MAN SITS IN THE CORNER. TED: That's my curiosity satisfied. FATHER FITZPATRICK: And this is the last photograph taken of Heir Hitler. He's signing a few death warrants there. TED: Funny, how he got more right wing as he got older! Right well, great. This is all wonderful stuff. FATHER FITZPATRICK: You know some people when they see it, they're not too sure but you seem genuinely interested. TED: OH I AM genuinely interested. THE OLD MAN IN THE CORNER STARTS SHOUTING IN GERMAN. HE HAS A NAZI TAPESTRY ON HIS LAP. FATHER FITZPATRICK: What are you doing here? I told you no sleeping here. This is an old friend of mine Ted. THE OLD NAZI STARTS SINGING, "DEUTCHLAND, DEUTCHLAND". THE SCENE ENDS AND WE ARE BROUGHT BACK TO TED'S PAROCHIAL HOUSE, WHERE TED IS WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE LOOKS AT THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AND THEN AT HIS WATCH. HE FIXES THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK TO THE RIGHT TIME - THREE O' CLOCK. FATHER JACK'S VOICE COMES FROM THE CLOCK INSTEAD OF THE HOURLY CHIMES, "FECK, ARSE, DRINK". TED OPENS THE CLOCK DOOR TO SEE FATHER JACK'S FACE INSIDE. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND PROCEEDS TO THE FRONT ROOM. DOUGAL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA INSIDE. DOUGAL: Ted look at the table. It's so dirty I can write me name in it! TED: There's a G in Dougal. DOUGAL: Where? TED: Right that's it, I'm fed up living in filth. We're just going to have to get this place clean Dougal. And look at you. Look at that hole in your tank top. What if the parishoners saw that? DOUGAL: Where? Ah God, would you look at that! DOUGAL PROBES A SMALL HOLE IN THE TOP OF HIS TANK TOP. HE THEN STANDS UP, TURNS AROUND AND DISPLAYS A LARGE GAPING HOLE IN THE TANK TOP COVERING HIS ENTIRE BACK. TED: And this here, look. A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window. I mean how could you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window? I would have thought that was practically impossible. DOUGAL: It's just Mrs. Doyle can't do any cleaning. Her back is very bad since she fell of the roof. ONCE AGAIN, MRS.DOYLE FALLS PAST THE WINDOW SCREAMING. DOUGAL: See, she can't keep her balance at all. TED: That's it then I'm just going to come out and say it. We're going to have to clean this place ourselves. DOUGAL: What? TED: You heard me Dougal. Are you with me? DOUGAL: Well, yeah. TED: (shouting)Right then let's go, lets clean this mother. DOUGAL: YEEEEAAAAH. TED TAKES AN OLD DRINKS CAN FROM THE TABLE AND SLOWLY DROPS IT INTO THE BIN. DOUGAL: Ted, what about that bit of the lamp that came off? I could pick that up! TED: Good idea. DOUGAL: (picking up the lampshade)WOW! TED: I'm bored now. DOUGAL: Yeah. TED: Dougal look. TED TAKES THE LAMPSHADE OFF DOUGAL, PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD AND STARTS TO IMPERSONATE A CHINESE MAN. TED: I am Chinese if you ple-ease. Come on Dougal, lighten up! TED TURNS AROUND TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW WHERE HE SEES THREE CHINESE PEOPLE STANDING. HE TAKES THE LAMPSHADE OFF HIS HEAD AND TURNS TO DOUGAL. TED: (frantically)Wha.. Who.. Wha.. ?!? Dougal there were Chinese people there. DOUGAL: Oh right yeah. TED: I mean what is.... I mean... DOUGAL: That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that whole Chinatown area. TED: Chinatown area? There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island? Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was going to be a Chinaman there to see me do a Chinaman impression. DOUGAL: Why not Ted? TED: Because. Because it's racist. They'll think I'm a racist. I'm going to have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist. TED RUNS OUTSIDE TO THE CHINESE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THEIR CAR. TED STANDS BESIDE THE CAR TO TRY AND EXPLAIN HIMSELF. THE CHINESE FAMILY BEEP THEIR HORN AND REV THEIR ENGINE. TED: And basically if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time I get this thing the doctor calls "Fat Eyes". THE CAR SPEEDS AWAY SPRAYING FATHER TED WITH MUD. TED: (waving at the car)I hope you wouldn't think it'd be anything of a racial nature. Thanks for being so understanding, see you again, bye. TED IS NOW BACK INSIDE WITH DOUGAL AND HAS JUST COME OFF THE TELEPHONE TED: Right, that's that. DOUGAL: Oh-ho. That's that all right. What's that? TED: I ordered some new stuff for the house. Get rid of this old tat. Dougal you don't think I upset those Chinese people earlier? DOUGAL: I dunno Ted. It was like that time we put on that variety show and you did that impression of Stephen Hawking. TED: He was the last person you'd expect to turn up. That was a million to one shot. God he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry! DOUGAL: But don't worry about it Ted. Anyway who did you phone, Habitat? TED: No. Habithat. Like Habitat it sells soft furnishings but also priests clothes. DOUGAL: Does it not get confused with Habitat though? TED: No that's never happened before except just there, when you did it. DOUGAL: Anyway, what else did you order? TED: Priest socks. Really black ones. DOUGAL: I read somewhere, I think it was in an article about priest socks that priest socks are blacker than any other type of socks. TED: That's right Dougal. Sometimes you see lay people wear what look like black socks but if you look closely you'll see they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue. DOUGAL: Actually that's true. I thought my uncle Tommy was wearing black socks but when I looked at them closely they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY, very, very, very dark blue. TED: Never buy black socks in a normal shop. They'll shaft you every time! TED GOES OUTSIDE FOR A WALK. COLM: Hello there Father. TED: Ah, hello Colm. (laughing)Out and about? COLM: Ah, same as yourself. TED: Good good. COLM: I hear you're a racist now Father. TED: Wha...What? COLM: How did you get interested in that type of thing? TED: Who said I'm a racist? COLM: Everyone's sayin' it Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the church is takin' on this. TED: No, no. COLM: Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote meself to the oul' racism. MRS. CARBERRY COMES IN. SHE IS AN OLD WOMAN WHO HAS JUST BEEN SHOPPING AND HAS HANDFULLS OF BAGS. MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father. TED: What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry! MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father. Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last. Comin' over here, takin' our jobs and our women and actin' like they own the feckin' place. Well done Father. Good for you. Good for you. I'd like to feckin.... MRS. CARBERRY HAS NOW GONE ERATIC AND IS SWING HER SHOPPING BAGS EVERYWHERE. MRS. CARBERRY: Feckin' Greeks. COLM: It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after. TED: (panicing)I'm not after the Chinese. MRS. CARBERRY: I don't care who he gets so long as I can have a go at the Greeks. They invented gayness! TED: Look, we are not having a go at anybody. I am not a racist, alright. God! MRS. CARBERRY: Feckin' Greeks! TED LEAVES AND COLM WALKS OVER TO MRS. CARBERRY COLM: How's Mary? MRS. CARBERRY: She's fine. She got that job after all. COLM: Great! FATHER TED IS NOW OUTSIDE A SMALL TRADITIONAL IRISH PUB. A CHINESE VOICE SHOUTS RACIST AND EGGS ARE THROWN AT TED. TED GOES INTO THE PUB. THE MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS. TED LOOKS AROUND HIM TO SEE THAT EVERYONE IN THE PUB IS CHINESE, INCLUDING THE SMALL IRISH MUSIC BAND IN THE CORNER. THE SCENE ENDS AND THE NEXT SCENE OPENS IN MR. YIN'S HOUSE WHERE THE PHONE IS RINGING. MR. YIN: Hello TED: Hello is that the Yin dynasty-FAMILY, is that the Yin family? MR YIN: Yes this is Sean Yin. TED: Hello it's Father Ted Crilly here. I think I owe you an apology. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A BELL AND BRAKES SCREECHING. DOUGAL COMES OVER AND PICKS UP THE HAMSTER ON HIS BICYCLE. TED: Right then, see you in a while. Ha-ha Dougal that's everything cleared up. They're coming straight around. I'll just be very nice to them and people will stop saying that I'm a racist. It's great. Nothing can go wrong. DOUGAL: Fantastic. So the story is you're not a racist. TED: What? No. It's not a story. I am not a racist. MRS. DOYLE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. HER SHOULDER IS HUNCHED TO ONE SIDE AND SHE IS PUSHING A TRAY OF TEA ALONG THE FLOOR USING THE SIDE OF HER FOOT. MRS. DOYLE: Tea everyone? Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist. DOUGAL: No Mrs. Doyle he's not a racist. DOUGAL WINKS AT MRS. DOYLE. TED: I am not. I am not a racist. Mrs. Doyle we're going to have to do something for your back. You can't go on like this. I'm just going to try something. MRS. DOYLE: (nervously)No! TED: Don't worry Mrs. Doyle. MRS. DOYLE: Oh no, no, no, no-ho. TED: Just relax MRS. DOYLE: No. Argh! FATHER TED GRABBED HOLD OF MRS.DOYLE'S CHIN AND SNAPPED HER HER INTO PLACE. MRS. DOYLE: Oh. Oh yes. That's much better. TED: Are you sure you look... MRS. DOYLE: Oh yes, yes, yes. This is great. I'll be fine now Father. FATHER TED MOVES TO TWIST MRS. DOYLE'S HEAD AGAIN. MRS.DOYLE: NOOOOO! Seriously Father. I feel twenty years younger. MRS. DOYLE HOBBLES OUT OF THE ROOM DOUGAL: Ted, the Chinese are comin'. TED: Oh right. Where are they? Oh feck it, this big mark is still in the window. Ha, never mind! TED STARTS TO WAVE AT THE MR.YIN AND HIS SON THROUGH THE WINDOW WITH THE PERFECTLY SQUARE BIT OF BLACK DIRT. SON YIN: I don't know why we have to talk to this facist. MR. YIN: Come on now, it may have just been... THE YINS LOOK UP TO SEE FATHER TED WAVING AT THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW. THE SQUARE BIT OF DIRT IS POSITIONED UNDER TED'S NOSE. TED RESEMBLES HITLER. MR. YIN'S SON STORMS AWAY. TED: Where are they going? I invite them round and they don't even let me tell them my side of the story. FATHER TED'S ARMS ARE FLAILING OUT OF CONTROL. MR. YIN LOOKS AT TED ONCE AGAIN FROM THE OUTSIDE. TED NOW RESEMBLES AN ANGRY HITLER. IN THE NEXT SCENE, TED IS SITTING UP IN BED TALKING TO DOUGAL. TED: This is terrible. People think I'm, I'm some sort of nazi racist; and I'm not. What can I do? DOUGAL: Ted, here's an idea right off the top of me head. Now I haven't thought it through so it's probably not brilliant but what the hell, sure I'll just talk and see what comes out. Anyway, how about some sort of special event, eh, celebrating all the different cultures on Craggy Island and then people will think you're a fantastic man instead of a big racist. TED: My God! DOUGAL: What? TED: That's a good idea! DOUGAL: No it isn't. TED: It is Dougal, it is! DOUGAL: No Ted there's probably something wrong with it. You just haven't thought it through. TED: No no dougal, you've had a brilliant idea. Hah! But break it down for me a bit more. What would an event celebrating all the different cultures in Craggy Island actually be like? DOUGAL: What? TED: What would it involve? I mean, celebration yes but what form could it take? DOUGAL: Ted I want out. TED: What do you mean? DOUGAL: I went too far too soon. I didn't know what I was gettin' into Ted. I didn't know you had to follow a good idea with loads more little good ideas. I'm sorry Ted. I'm going to sleep in the spare room. TED: Dougal. DOUGAL: I'm sorry. MEANWHILE IN FATHER FITZPATRICK'S MEMOROBELIA ROOM... FATHER FITZPATRICK: You old fool I've sheltered you for fifty years, you've never even made me a cup of tea. OLD NAZI: You make ze tea, I do ze vashing up. FATHER FITZPATRICK: When did you do the washing up? OLD NAZI: I did it for the whole of nineteen hundred and forty seven and again in nineteen hundred and seventy three. FATHER FITZPATRICK: You liar! You broke all the plates and then you went, "Ach, I am so tired. I never had to wash up plates when I was in the Werwacht. OLD NAZI: To never. FATHER FITZPATRICK: You're driving me insane, I'm going to take a valium. OLD NAZI: Oh! I want one too. FATHER FITZPATRICK: Oh why must you ate everything I do. Wait, these aren't valium. These are the cianide we kept for emergencies. You put cianide next to the valium you old fool, that's asking for trouble. OLD NAZI: Oh shut up. FATHER FITZPATRICK: You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live. OLD NAZI: Well, that is just fine by me. FATHER FITZPATRICK: Good, that's fine by me too. OLD NAZI: Good, I'm glad it is. FATHER FITZPATRICK: Well I'm glad you're glad it is OLD NAZI: Good. FATHER FITZPATRICK: Good. BOTH MEN DROP DOWN DEAD SIMULTANEOUSLY. AT THE CRAGGY ISLAND PAROCHIAL HOUSE, MRS. DOYLE STEPS ON RONALDO'S BICYCLE AND FALLS DOWN THE STAIRCASE. MRS. DOYLE: (while falling)Oh holy Mary mother of God oh Jesus and his blessed saints oh holy Mary. (standing up gleefully)I'm cured! TED: What happened Mrs. Doyle? MRS. DOYLE: I stepped on the hamster's bike and fell down the stairs Father. TED: Dougal, I thought I told you to put away that bike safely. DOUGAL: I did Ted. I put it back in the cage. MRS. DOYLE: Oh no no no, don't worry Father. It's great. I feel fan-tastic. I completely forgotten that I can turn my head right around like this. TED: Alright well listen, that stuff from Habithat is arriving today so when it comes give Father Jack e.. where is Father Jack? MRS.DOYLE: I think he's up the chimney. TED: Right wel.. MRS. DOYLE: Will I burn him out Father? TED: Oh good God no! The smoke would back up, It'd be all over the house. Anyway when that stuff comes, put it all up, all the e.. new rugs and the e.. things for the chairs and the e.... that's your thing really. I wouldn't know about that sort of thing because I'm a man. Anyway, we're off to the celebration of Craggy Island's ethnic diversity AT THE CELEBRATION OF CRAGGY ISLAND'S ETHNIC DIVERSITY TED: Welcome, wilkomen, bienvenue. It's a great honour and privilage for me to present this celebration of the wide diversity of cultures that exists today on Craggy Island, namely Chinese people and people from Craggy Island. I have prepared a short slide show presentation which reflects this multicultural mix. So without furtherado lets start the show. SLIDE ONE - TED WITH HIS ARM AROUND A BLACK MAN TED: This man visited the island a few years ago. I forget his name now but I got on very well with him so I just thought I'd throw that in at the start. MAN IN AUDIENCE: Will there be any free drink at this? TED: Yes. There will be a limited supply of free drink afterwards SLIDE TWO TED: The Great wall of China; a miracle of Chinese engineering, so big you can see it from anywhere in the world. SLIDE THREE TED: Chairman Mao. Secretary of the Communist Party of China. One of the biggest communist parties in the world and in my view the best! SLIDE FOUR TED: Mr. Miaggi from the Karate Kid, one of my favourite films. NOT because of the karate kid himself but because of Mr. Miaggi. Not a day goes by when I don't remember one of his many words of wisdom. SLIDE FIVE TED: Kato. Where would he spring from next? SLIDE SIX TED: The Mauri. I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there. Ahem, of course there are no Mauris on Craggy Island. MAN WEARING MAURI FACEPAINTS IN AUDIENCE LOOKS UP SLIDE SEVEN TED: Ming the Merciless. SLIDE EIGHT - FOUR CHINESE PEOPLE TED: But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great. SLIDE NINE - A CROWD OF PEOPLE TED: The Chinese; a great bunch of lads. TED ENDS OFF THE SLIDE SHOW, WHILE THE SLIDE MACHINE PROJECTS A PICTURE OF FATHER TED FOLLOWED BY THE WORDS, "NOT A RACIST", REPEATEDLY. TED: Right I think I've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture and I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight. Of course, if you want to have a word with me afterwards, we can have a bit of an old chat. FATHER TED THEN GOES TO VAUGHAN'S - THE CHINESE/IRISH PUB FROM EARLIER MR. YIN: Well the slide show was big pile of crap but the free drink, very much appreciated. Thank you Father Crilly TED: Yes well I just wanted to clear things up. I'm not a facist, I'm a priest. Facists dress in black and go around telling people what to do whereas priests.... MORE DRINK! CROWD AROUND TED CHEER. A DELIVERY MAN HAS ARRIVED AT THE PAROCHIAL HOUSE. MRS. DOYLE: Anywhere there. Would you like a cup of tea? DELIVERY MAN: Oh no no, thanks, no. I have a kind of alergic reaction to it you know. It's very rare but pretty serious. If I drink tea there's a seventy percent chance I'll die. MRS. DOYLE: Well I'll make you a cup anyway; incase you change your mind. DELIVERY MAN: No. Thanks anyway. THE DELIVERY MAN LEAVES AND MRS. DOYLE STARTS TO UNWRAP THE PARCEL. WE RETURN TO VAUGHAN'S PUB TED: To China CROWD AROUND TED CHEER MR. YIN: To Craggy Island CROWD AROUND TED CHEER TED: More drink CROWD AROUND TED CHEER BARMAN: I'm sorry, the bar's closed. CROWD AROUND TED CHEER TED: Tell you what. How about everyone comes back to my place for a drink. CROWD AROUND TED CHEER DOUGAL: Wait, I need to go to the toilet first. CROWD AROUND TED CHEER. MRS. DOYLE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR OF THE PAROCHIAL HOUSE TO FATHER TED. CROWD AROUND TED CHEER. TED: Mrs. Doyle we have guests. Did that stuff arrive? MRS. DOYLE: Yes and I felt so fantastic I put it all up in less than an hour. And there was this letter. TED: Letter? (reading letter)"Dear Father Crilly, On the instructions of our recently deceased client Father Seamus Fitzpatrick, here are some items which he specified you should have in the event of his death." FATHER TED AND THE CHINESE CROWD ARE NOW STANDING IN THE FRONT ROOM OF THE PAROCHIAL HOUSE. TED LOOKS AROUND HIM ONLY TO FIND THAT THE ROOM IS DECORATED WITH FATHER FITZPATRICK'S NAZI MEMOROBELIA. A BELL RINGS AND TED MOVES MR. YIN OUT OF THE WAY OF RONALDO ON HIS BICYCLE. TED: I can explain everything. Actually no, I can't. MR. YINS TELEPHONE RINGS AND MR. YIN ANSWERS IT. MR. YIN: Hello. TED: Sorry again and most importantly have you opened that present yet? MR. YIN: No. Looking forward to it though. A years supply of whisky, how very generous. TED: Yes. The problem there is basically there's been a bit of a change of plan. THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO SHOW A PILE OF EMPTY WHISKY BOTTLES INFRONT OF TED. BACK AT MR. YIN'S, FATHER JACK POPS OUT OF THE PRESENT FATHER TED SENT. FATHER JACK IS WEARING A FULL NAZI UNIFORM. ATTENTION WEBMASTERS These scripts may be used on other pages however please acknowledge on your site that the scripts were attained and typed up by The Golden Cleric.