I've been watching you tonight, Saitou Hajime, sitting in that dark corner, taking slow, deep drags on that perpetual cigarette of yours, and drinking, drinking, drinking. I thought you restrained from such things in this new era. If I had as much sake in me as you've been drinking tonight, I'd probably be out cold. But, hey, I'm not the impenetrable, unflappable Saitou Hajime, right? I guess you can do what ever you please. Sitting there stiffly, you're about as easy to read as a brick wall. They say no man is an island, Saitou, but you certainly try, don't you? I have to wonder what the hell you're thinking about to be so gloomy in the midst of such a joyous and long anticipated celebration.
Well, what is it that commands your attention so? You haven't said a single word of congratulation to Kenshin and Jou-chan; you've just barely acknowledged them. If Kenshin's marriage displeases you, why have you come? Are you remembering your own wedding perhaps? Is that what sets you so ill at ease? Yes, I recall when you told us of your wife, and I still can't imagine what kind of woman would marry you. Was it a marriage of love? Did you court her with gifts and smiles? I certainly can't imagine that. Just the thought of the Mister Aloof Saitou Hajime being flirted with coyly is enough to make me laugh. I doubt you won your wife that way. Nope, I'll bet you married her because that stuffy honor of yours obligated you to do so. What a silly reason to marry someone! Do you think you're so inhuman as to feel real love? You really should have learned by now that there is no justice in this world and very little honor, and not even you can change that. Why do you try?
You know, that's what I thought it was at first. Maybe you really were in love with this Tokio woman of yours. It was always a possibility. When you turned a cold shoulder, insulting me every chance you got and treating me like a spoiled child who needed to be taught a lesson long overdue, I assumed you really weren't interested. You saw me as the brash, careless, impetuous fool I am so often. But we can all wear masks, can't we? I'm not exactly a new hand at this game we play, and I wasn't just trying to bother you.
You must remember that I am a child of the streets, Saitou. After the Sekihoutai, what did I have left? Every thing I held dear had been stolen from me. The one man I believed in was betrayed by the very thing he sought to protect. My ideals were tarnished; my faith was gone. I doubt very much you've had to experience anything as dismal, as bleak, as utterly hopeless as that. And do you really think one scrawny little boy received any sympathy among the poor, the starving, and the desperate? I have lived among the worst of criminals and lowlifes, criminal scum you would loathe to even look at, because at least they were willing to share a bowl of rice and a warm fire on a cold day when everyone else just turned their back.
I was fourteen when I met the man who would introduce me to the carnal pleasures. He was just the son of some petty merchant; he hung around the gambling hall I frequented at the time, a decent looking young guy, nothing special; but he seemed like a god or a king or something in my eyes. I don't even remember his name now, but at the time I was too amazed by the delicate, intricate weave of his clothing, the soft gleam of his clean hair, and especially that exotic spicy scent that seemed to be so uniquely his, to resist the invitation to visit his home. I didn't know what he wanted of me at the time, and even if I had, it wouldn't have mattered. He brought me to his house, and did something half way between seducing and raping me. I woke up the next morning on the back step of his house and never fucking laid eyes on the man again.
I don't think I'm ever going to tell you that story, Saitou, even if I eventually tell you everything else there is to know about Sagara Sanosuke. I hate thinking about that man: I loathe him just as much because of what he gave me as because of what he took. I had been violated, but I had also tasted a fair forbidden fruit, and I was hungry for more. Does it really surprise you? What other pleasure, what escape, was to be had in my desperate world? I'm not saying that I slept with anything that came my way; I didn't let myself get used after that first time, and I was choosy, but I certainly had my fair share of lovers. I may have hidden it well, but I didn't exactly enjoy the life of a street fighter, and I relished the soft fiery forgetfulness a night of lust could give me. Maybe I like the warmth of a lover's bed a little too much, But it's silly really to bring up such 'youthful indiscretions'. As far as you're concerned, those were the acts of Zanza, the thug-for-hire lout, not Sagara Sanosuke.
So I'm attracted to you, Saitou, more attracted than I've ever been to anyone. I don't know what it is about you that has me so ensnared. I guess at first I just wanted to prove myself to you, in the same way I craved Kenshin's approval for so long. But I don't really think that's it. Certainly you are stronger in battle with me, but I have grown used to being less than the best. There are many types of strength, and I sometimes think that your whole confusing persona is just an act. I understand what it is to hold a grudge. But you carry it a little too far. And I want to know why.
Maybe you're a puzzle to me, a real challenge. I'm going to break through all those layers of cool, smooth, vicious Saitou, 'cause I think there must be something more to you than that 'Aku Soku Zan'. You know the world well enough to know nothing is as simple as good and evil, black and white. Do you think that if you let go of your motto, let go of your justice, you'll let go of yourself? I know that feeling. But you can't hold on to the past forever, can you Saitou? Just look at how happy Kenshin is now that he's moved on. Don't you think you deserve that kind of happiness too? I've always felt one of my best qualities was that I live in the here and now. I don't dwell on what I can't change. You need to let go of your ghosts, Mibu no Ookami, and I think I'm just the man to help you.
I've felt the way you let those icy golden eyes of yours meander slowly up my body, Saitou, my skin almost tingling where your eyes linger. You must know I've looked at you in the same way. Gods! Even now I can see every muscle of those long lean legs, imagine them entangled with my own. I want you, Saitou Hajime, you and all of your fucking ghosts and enemies. And I'd be willing bet you want me too. So what the hell is holding you back? 'There is a tide in the affairs of men', after all.
You're still sitting there in the shadows, inhaling cigarette smoke like it's your lifeblood. If you didn't look so deliciously sexy smoking, I would tell you to quit. It's a filthy habit. You glance up, your eyes golden diamonds in the dark, and meet my gaze. I smile, and you look away, face creased in a scowl. I drop to the floor next to you, immersing myself in your particular musky odor. I can hear the rumble in your throat as you growl in aggravation.
"Ahou."
"Hello to you too. Having a good time then, Saitou?"
"Just get away from me."
You sound tired Hajime, worn out, like you know you're fighting a battle you simply can't win.
"All right, Saitou, I don't want to cause any trouble tonight, for Kenshin's sake. Maybe I'll see you later, ne?" As I stand up I let the back of my hand just brush your shoulder. You look up, and your eyes smolder with something quite easily mistaken for anger. I can hardly keep from smiling. This round is mine.
I walk casually away from the shadows into the bright of the party. I can feel your eyes on me as I leave you. I've a feeling you know the game we've been playing. You know it very well. I've made my move Saitou Hajime. It's your turn now.
Sano quotes Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. Act IV Scene iii. 'There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune: Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries'
I have no idea where he picked up Shakespeare in Meiji Japan. . . . ^.^;;; But it seemed appropriate.