What the fuck have you done, you twat!?

//Stuart Alan Jones slumps into the back seat of the taxi, snappily telling the driver his address. For possibly the first night of his life, he can't wait to get home. Away from Canal Street.//

What were you thinking? Why'd you make that call for him? What the hell did you get him that date with that bloody Australian for? Good job, Stuart. Fucking great job! Who are you going to blame for it? Can't blame Vince. He didn't do it; didn't want to. You made him. Bloody idiot!

Why did you do it? You thought you'd do your best friend a favour, arrange a shag for him. He doesn't get enough - god knows why! Anyway, that's what was supposed to happen: Vince goes out with the guy, takes him home, shags him blind. The End.

//The taxi driver feels like a chat. Stuart does not. He tells him so in no uncertain terms. Then he apologizes, confusing himself no end. But the driver looks pacified.//

I damn near fainted when he told me. The twat! 'He didn't even like me,' he says. Yeah right. 'No shag! He's gay. We go out. Where's the shag?'

Geez, Vince - when did you start sounding like me? That's a Stuart if ever I heard one.

Kinda proud of my self-control when he told me about the kiss. End of his first date - nice, chaste kiss. Fuckin' Australian! Who the hell does he think he is? Vince never would have gone out with him in the first place if it wasn't for me. He couldn't have just gone ahead and shagged him like he was supposed to... No, he has to give a fuck about him? He has to have another date? A fucking relationship is what he wants. Shit!

Vince... he's with me. He's mine. He's the best (and to be honest - the only) friend I've got and I need him around. Can't stand clubbing on my own. Yeah, that's why I need him - don't like being alone. Fucking unthinkable - Stuart without Vince. Me without him. Him without me? He needs me, dammit!

Right, Stuart. What for? Like you've ever been half the friend that he is. That's the whole point. You're no fucking good. God knows why he puts up with you - well, you do know... but you're too stupid and scared to do anything about it.

Anyway, he does. And that makes him mine.

And now, Cameron whatshisname comes along and starts bloody woo-ing my Vince. I hate Australians! Okay, so I've shagged a couple, but this one I hate with a vengeance. He's not right for Vince anyway. So what if he's kinda good-looking and kinda smart and all that. Probably funny too when he wants to be - as much as any accountant can be... Damn! He's probably just what Vince needs.

But I need Vince more!

He's got no rights to Vince. Not good enough for him. Who is? Especially not me.

//The cab arrives, Stuart pays and heads upstairs. The driver's eyes follow him longingly - regretful that his ride didn't wind up being... his ride. Never even so much as noticed the stolen glances in the rear-view mirror. Sighing, the driver of cab no. 23 heads to the 'Babylon'.

Stuart slams his apartment door shut behind himself and goes to grab a Pepsi from the fridge. He rolls it over his forehead before snapping it open and taking a few deep gulps.//

What irritates me the most is that I care. Hell, I can go out without him. Don't need him tagging along when I go off to find a shag. Not that I get much since... Phil's funeral. Something happened that day. To me. To Vince too, I think. It was at Phil's place, or after I had Nathan again. Vince knew, of course. He looks at me and I might as well wear a 'Just got shagged' sign round my neck. And with Nathan - it really pisses Vince off. Don't know why, he just hates his guts, I guess.

He has no reason. Nathan means shit to me. Vince means...

Anyway... fucking Cameron!

//Tossing back the rest of the Pepsi, Stuart heads into the bathroom to have a shower, but changes his mind. He brushes his teeth, undresses and dumps his clothes in the laundry basket.//

Round about now, Vince would have left the club with that dork who kept looking at him. Damn, Vince! You don't need to take home a loser like that. If you half tried, you could have anyone. Anyone...

//Crashing into the sheets - real clean sheets these days - Stuart stares up at the ceiling.//

What's this Cameron bloke up to? He'll ask Vince on another date - probably tomorrow. If Vince doesn't call him first, that is. He can be so fucking needy sometimes, the twat!

//Stuart tries to be cruel, but it doesn't come to him so easily anymore. It's beginning to stab at him. He kicks away his sheets, suddenly feeling restricted - as if there was something he should be doing, somewhere he should be going... but he can't.//

So then what? Second date... maybe he'll shag him then and that will be the end of it. Somehow... I don't think so. They'll wind up "going steady" - like in a fucking 1950s teen movie. Fuck!

He's too damn old for you, Vince. He's a full... 7 years older than me. Well, 6 years and 17 weeks. Too fucking old, that's for sure. You just can't settle down with him.

Regardless of what Vince said tonight, I know he wants a bloody relationship. What's wrong with shagging every guy that comes along?

//Stuart turns his head and looks at... no one. There's been no one but him in this bed lately, aside from those two guys the other night.//

What were their names again?

Who needs to wake up next to someone every morning anyway? Especially next to the same guy each and every day? To know he'll be there... smiling at you when you open your eyes...

Right about now, Vince and that guy... He'd probably prefer the Aussie accountant, but he'd have taken the loser in the puke-green shirt home with him for now. He'd been all set to get shagged tonight, so anyone would do. Be a bit more discriminating, Vince!

//A cruel smile on Stuart's face now, but it's not about Vince, it's about himself...//

Yeah, follow your friend's example. Do what Stuart does. Don't take the first guy who looks at you. Take the second one.

//Groaning, Stuart realizes his frantically working mind is getting tired. His body isn't though. He's not used to getting to bed before midnight. And alone, at that.//

When did we switch roles, Vince? That should be me shagging. And you jerking off.

Fuck! It's come to this now, has it? I'm lying here alone, thinking about Vince doing it.

//Stuart tries to ignore the rising heat in his groin. He pulls the sheet over himself to try and still the need before it gets to be too much. He has some thinking to do.//

But the smooth satin makes matters worse, sliding against his hot and already solid flesh. No use now. He groans, his hand is already moving underneath the sheet.

I gotta do something. Get Vince off the Australian before he doesn't want to anymore. Okay... Vince isn't that on him as it is, but the twat will just go for it anyway.

No - wrong approach, Stuart. You gotta get the Australian off Vince as well. The only way to be sure. Yeah, that's it.

//Anger is helping a bit. He's growing softer again now.//

The Australian needs to find someone else. Or someone needs to find him.

Cameron... meet Stuart Alan Jones. He's fucking irresistible. Everyone says so.

//Chuckling humourlessly, Stuart stops his motions. His hand just lays against his thigh. He's not in the mood anymore. He's planning Vince's 'jail break'.//

I'll be doing you a favour, Vince. You'll see - he's no good... shagging your best friend. You don't want him.

So, Cameron... surely you've heard? 15-year old boys obsess over me. I can have anyone I want. I take anyone I want. Almost anyone. It's your lucky day, mate. I've picked you!

Any damn thing will do to keep you away from Vince. He may be a loser, but he doesn't hang about for my cast-offs.

It's a plan - next time I run into you, I'll turn the Stuart charm on you.

And that, for sure, will be the end of it.